2017 - The Building Year

I was looking at through my Instagram feed yesterday, and I came across one of my favorite end of the year posts called #2017thebestnine. Naturally, I had to get in on the action and see my best nine posts for myself. The final result led me to reminisce about this past year and how much has happened.

Why the "Building Year"?

Like I mentioned in my IG post, I left my full-time, comfy, corporate job to pursue freelance

writing full-time. Let me say this... it's freaking scary. I have no idea when I am going to receive my next check. There's no HR office I can go to where I can speak to someone about receiving payment. I do have some clients who are really consistent, but I have other ones who pay when the project is finished. And I have others... well... let's say they are challenging. It's freaking crazy. Luckily, I've been able to hold my head over water for the past year.

I have learned that pitching for new work is just as important as the work. The realization that we only have so many hours in a day has brought me to the conclusion that I need to put more energy into Val's Bytes. I do love writing as a whole, but this blog is my baby.

My itch for wanderlust is never satiated

I love to travel. I mean, I LOVE to travel. The world has so many beautiful places, great food, and friendly people and I can't wait to see more of it. The Comedian and I went to Italy and Greece this past year. Europe exceeded my expectations in more ways than one. Never in my life did I imagine water so blue in Santorini or tomatoes so sweet in Sicily. I told the Comedian, we just barely scratched the surface. However, I did promise to give him a six-month break from my constant need to be out of the house.

Growth for Val's Bytes

It's amazing how much can happen when you pray a little and

make some real effort. I have made strides with Val's Bytes in the past year including starting the Love Bits and Bytes podcast, getting my matchmaker certification, and hosting at an online radio station with Throwback Vibez.

I am working behind the scenes to put together a brand new website, writing my first ebook (a collection of my best blogs), and working on myself. I think there is so much good information out there including several books that will get your mind right to find a quality relationship. If you need recommendations, hit me up.

What's to come

Like I mentioned before, I have some things in the works that you'll start to see in early 2018. I really want to help anyone I can find love or at the very least, a date. I sincerely believe God gives us gifts to share with the world. I know mine is guiding someone to learn to love themselves so they can find love.

I am also working on expanding my marketing services. I have some terrific friends of mine who are incredibly talented joining my team. Look out for Fox Hunt Digital pretty soon. Personally, I think the website is pretty awesome.

Though 2017 was a tough year for me, I don't regret very much. Well, except all of the BBQ that went to my waistline...ha! I know if I could make a living this year, next year will only be more fruitful. This year was my building year.

I have always kept moving forward because I believe in growth. If you are not growing, then you're stagnant. If you hate your situation, make plans to save yourself. No one else is going to do it for you.

If you are interested in making the leap to working for yourself or if you need coaching, feel free to reach out to me at val@valsbytes.com.

See you next year!!

Secrets to Making a Breakup Be the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

When we talk about breakups, we don’t talk about how positive they can be, we focus on how horrible they are. I was in a relationship for almost nine years, and when that ended, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. So, if you’re reading this and you are pre-breakup, mid-breakup, or even post and trying to move on, start with changing your thoughts about break up. It is positive, it’s change, it’s a new beginning, and most importantly, it’s a new you. Getting your heart broken is the way to start over and make a life you will never need a vacation from and will never need to break up with. It’s so easy to say this, so I have made a list of things that helped me move on and get to that positive place. Here they are…

Cry, scream, and be all the emotions

What I mean by this is feel all the emotions. You can’t move on if you push things down and never address them. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. It’s gonna be a bumpy road, emotions will come and go, but this will be the best thing to ever happen to you and one day you will wake up, and the shadow will be gone, and you will be happy again. I know you’re asking the biggest question just like when Carrie got her heart broken by Mr. Big for the millionth time.

You know, Carrie from Sex in the City, asked “When will I laugh again?” Miranda responded “When something is really funny.”

That’s how being happy will be one day, it will just click. Until then move on to the rest of this post.

Make a list of all the things that annoyed you

Get specific about the guy and the relationship. This is a great list to have on your phone so when you feel like texting him, or you hear a song you both loved you can read the list and remember why you broke up. When the time comes, and you’re with someone new it’s an excellent way to compare the new guy with the old and make sure they are nothing alike. Who wants to make the same mistake twice? Am I right?

Make a list of all the things you love about yourself and your life

Self-worth is the most important thing anyone can change. If you don’t like you, then who will? This list can be hard in the beginning, try to be very specific and keep adding to the list and read over this list every time you’re sad or not feeling like you are enough. Everyone has good qualities and has talents, appreciate yours. One of my favorite quotes by an unknown author is

“You are YOU and that is your power.”

Embrace your power and embrace your uniqueness. Which leads me to the next point.

Change your self-talk

A world of disappoints will turn into a reality of winning. Words are important, they all have meaning and truth. How is it the nicest people often treat themselves the worst? I came to find that I was quite rude to myself. So take the negative challenge, and I replace I can’t, I won’t, I’m sorry and no; I replaced it with yes, thank you, I can and I will.  It makes a world of difference. One of my favorite movies is Alice in Wonderland, and it’s because she tries to do six impossible things before breakfast. And with a mindset like that the world is yours. Be nice to yourself and say nice things. If you need some motivation or an example of affirmations, click here. You will not be disappointed.

Start working out

Even if it’s just a walk with your dog every day or starting a new class at the gym, get out and get your body moving.  There are so many studies that state walking is good for your brain. There is a form of therapy called EMDR, and it focuses on changing your thoughts and memories while using both sides of your brain. It’s an incredible form of therapy because you are not talking your way through your problems and getting obsessed. You never tell your therapist what it’s about and you work through your thoughts and memories replaces them with less dramatic more positive feelings. I recommend it to anyone wanting to heal from any past traumas.

Try new things and meet new people

Have you always wanted to take an art class? Or learn how to dance? When you are at work what do you wish you could be doing? When getting home, DO IT! Scared to do something is the best sign that you need to do that very thing, so DO IT. When I was moving on from my past life, I chose always to say yes. My world had gotten so limited like the relationship I was in.  When you get scared to take that as a personal challenge to do it. Always say yes. You will be surprised at the things you can accomplish and the people you will meet along the way.

Go on vacation

traveling is the best thing for a broken heart. We forget that life is more than the bubble we live in. It’s a huge world and it will bring things into perspective plus you have so many memories to bury the past with which in the end will help you to move on.

Read self-help books and listen to positive podcasts

I know it’s cheesy but there is good stuff in others experience and advice. Heck, you wouldn’t be reading this post if you didn’t want to change yourself so get obsessed with being better, feeling better. Even trying to better yourself can help you feel better. So get to it, I love The Motivational High Five but find what works for you.

Re-establish friendships with friends and family.

Bad relationships lead to breakups which then have unfortunately put our loved ones as collateral damage. Re-establish those friendships and like I said before don’t be scared to make new ones.

Create goals

Are you happy with your job? No? Change it. Do you hate where you live? Yes? Move. You only have one life to live to get living it instead of surviving it. You don’t like something change it. And keep changing it till you love it.

And finally, upgrade on that relationship

This breakup will be the hardest thing ever do but the best choice you’ve ever made. there is someone out there that will make you look back at the relationship you just left and you will think how crazy you were to ever be so upset it ended. Find someone better, that fits you better, communicates better and has a similar love language as you.  We don’t look hard enough to find the people that will suit us best and possibly be our soul mates. So look because I can tell you by experience when you find them you will be happy. Life will be so easy and you will look back at your past relationships and laugh that you ever thought that was love. Don’t settle, your fairy tale does exist.

Thank you for tuning into my post on Val’s Bytes, check out more post’s at ANYTHINGGIRLY.com

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And Facebook at Heidi Mae Searle

The best compliment to any blogger is sharing a post, so I invite you to share and thank you in advance if you do. Comment below and let me know what has helped you get over a breakup!

5 Signs You're in a Bad Relationship

Are you dating a narcissist? Master Manipulator? Emotional Terrorist? Here are some signs that you are in a bad relationship. I was told these signs a million times by people over the past years, and I pushed them back saying “he isn’t abusive things aren’t that bad, he doesn’t hit me.” If you find that you are doing this and minimizing the abuse maybe you need to take a step back and honestly evaluate your relationship. So here is a list of 4 things to watch out for and can show you that maybe it’s time to move on from this relationship.

1.  He Controls everything.

And it starts with your activities together it’s with his friends, his hobbies, and it’s all in his time; the activities you want to do never seem to work out. He isolates you from your family; you don’t see them as often as you did. Soon you start making up excuses to the people you love on why you never see them and why he never comes to you. He sabotages your friendships making you think that you choose to get rid of your friends.  Then control goes on steroids, and you start working from home, you no longer have a car, and when you leave the house, he is texting and calling wondering who you are with and how long you will be.  Soon he controls the money, and you no longer have your own, even though you work for it. Now don’t get me started with the sex because that’s going to be controlled too. It will be his choice on his time and his way. You will be left unsatisfied and unfulfilled with life and the relationship and when you complain he will make you feel like everything wrong in the relationship is your fault. Like I said before he is in control of everything, so he is going to control the blame.  This is manipulation at its finest, and it will make you think you are crazy. Take a second and stay grounded; it takes two to tango so don’t think the bad relationship is all your fault.

2.  History of past Abuse.

How does your partner talk about his ex’s? Does he refer to them as crazy? When he talks about who he dated, did it end badly with each one?  You better think twice about being with someone that talks that way. There is a common denominator, and I don’t think it’s that he only finds crazy women to date. A strong, grounded, mature person doesn’t have to label someone as something to protect their ego. A man that has integrity can date remain friendly after it’s over. Listen to the ghosts of his past, they are telling you exactly who he is, and someone like this doesn’t find crazies he creates crazies.

3.  The giving and taking are not the same.

In a bad relationship, there will always be one person that is the taker and the other the giver. That’s how you have been able to stay with him so long but also the reason that you’re feeling drained. You’re giving everything and doing everything, and he will give you enough to keep you around.

4.  The game of emotional abuse: belittling and stonewalling.

Does he tell you things that are physically wrong with your body? Does he always fail to celebrate your successes? Does he stand up for you with friends or family? Does he call you his doormat? Then when you get upset (because these are all hurtful things), he then ignores you till you apologize for getting angry? This is all in the plan because if you think you aren’t enough for him, you get so low that you get to thinking you can’t live without him. You will bend over backward doing anything he wants to keep him around. No one deserves to be a doormat, close that door immediately and open another that will lift up the doormat, dust it off and treat you like the amazing woman you are.

5.  Cycle of abuse

Another reason you stay because when it is good, it’s SO GOOD. I remember crying after my ex, and I bought a house together, and we saged it and talked about all the positive things that were going to happen in the house. Well for once we did an activity I wanted to do.  And it was fun, happy, and he was all in and paying 100% attention to me. The high of things going well never lasts. Eventually, the honeymoon stage is over, and the cycle begins again. He will belittle, Stonewall or flat out choose anything or anyone over you; you then get upset and then you’re called crazy. Meanwhile, you think it’s your fault and stay because you  THINK you can learn not to be crazy. But in reality, you aren’t crazy, and anyone that gets belittled, stonewalled and flat out chosen last would be upset. You are Normal; You will find a reasonable person to love, and you will be fulfilled and completely healthy.

So if you can relate to this list and you think your relationship is very similar, Please Go! You’re beautiful, smart, strong, and even though you have been conditioned to think otherwise and even though it will be the hardest thing you have ever done; do it. He will never change, and you will stay unfulfilled and drained. You can have a best friend as a partner, someone that’s excited to see you. I remained in an abusive relationship for almost ten years, in the end after I changed my bad habits and worked on myself and came to find it still was not working because he didn’t want it too. I tried to leave three times before I did. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Now that it’s all over and I’ve been with an amazing man I have the relationship that mirrors my parents. I am so glad I did it. It took a long time to get here, and I’m so proud to be where I am and be who I am. We are both in love with each other and will do anything to make sure each other are happy. I didn’t think this existed, and I didn’t think a relationship could be natural, and it is.

Thanks for coming to the party today, I’m sorry it feels like such a downer, but it does end well. This story has ended happily ever after for me, and I hope this post helps change someone’s nightmare into a fairytale. Life is too short, and we only regret the things we never did. You won’t regret living a more fulfilled life and leaving the draining relationship. Let me know if you liked the post or it helped you in some way by commenting and sharing.

XOXO

What to Expect When... Getting Married

First and foremost, I have a couple of announcements.  The podcast is coming back!  After a year and a half in hibernation, I knew it was time to bring it back.  But this time, there will be a new format and a cohost.  I am super excited because we recorded some of the shows today and the banter is just fantastic.  Look out for the first episode this week. The other day, the comedian and I were talking about preparation for marriage.  When you buy a car or have a baby, some people take the time to do their research before finalizing on a decision.  Why don't we do that when we decide to get married?  I lucked out in the sense that the Comedian was extremely adamant about building a foundation before making any serious moves, like getting married or having children.  You can't fix a relationship that's already broken.

There are some people out there that believe a child can put a band-aid on a serious problem or that sex is the solution to avoiding a relationship.  It's kind of like alcoholism.  The problems just don't disappear because your mind is somewhere else.  They will be there when you get back.  I had a good friend of mine was going through a divorce and decided to move across the country from Orlando to LA in hopes that a change of scenery would bring him back to his usual self.  Unfortunately, it didn't.  He went into a little bit of a depression and decided to move back.  In reality, his support system was here in Orlando.  The people around him nursed him back to himself, and he was able to date again.

I'm not saying our system is perfect, but we can both say we know the other person well.  The Comedian promises he has more romantic gestures up his sleeves and those are the kinds of surprises I like.  There is a reason the court in Florida gives you a discount on your marriage certificate when you take a course before getting hitched.  Marriage is supposed to be forever.  That's what we all say in our vows.  Take the time to read some books together or try one of those "get to know you" questionnaires they have on Pinterest.  I've done a few of those with the Comedian early in our relationship.  I'll even add a link to a few for good measure.

Many of us women have this dream of finally being loved by our prince charming.  I know it's easier said than done but take the time out to get to know your prince before he becomes your King.  He could very well be a frog.

Here are some books to read together and links to those questionnaires I promised.

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married

100 Random Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend

40 Personal Questions to Ask Your boyfriend

13 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

The Friend Zone

Sometimes, I get phone calls from my guy friends who are still single with the one struggle they can't seem to shake, the Friend Zone. I have mentioned before that a woman knows what she wants within the first 30 seconds of meeting you. There is a possibility that she might change her mind and/or you'll grow on her but for the most part she has made her choice. Don't get me wrong, I know couples where the woman in the relationship wasn't really sold on her suitor at first. But that is always the exception, not the rule.

I think the main problem with being in the friend zone is the guy becomes infatuated with the idea of being with this person. There is some looming idea that there is a slight possibility that you should be together. Normally, I recognize the "Friend Zone" right away. I tell them to cut ties before they get hurt... but no, my friends all masochists. They want to continue the dream that one day, they will be with their "dream girl". I might come off as spiritual, however, I am a firm believer that when the right person comes into your life, you will know. It won't be a struggle, it will be just right. I have no problem with fighting for what's right but you can't change someone's opinion. They will have to WANT to change themselves. Don't force it.

There is a common trend with those who end up in the friend zone. They tend to be insecure and are afraid to make a move. I will be very honest and say that a woman likes a man who is a hunter, someone who isn't afraid to make a move. Also, when you end the "friendship" and they come back, then you're in control and can change the circumstances. Tell them that you want to be exclusive and if they honestly cannot do that, then they can go off onto their own path. You know the adage, if you love something, let it go and if it comes back, it's yours. But on your terms.

I am reminded by one particular person while writing this. I hate to see those close to me suffering through heartache. I know it might be cruel and hard but I suggest that if someone is dragging you along, cut the chord! I've done it. You'll live to be a much happier person. One problem with being in the friend zone and the person who has "friend zoned" you is taking advantage of your hospitality towards them, it's better to take that out of your life. It is negative and it is a poison. There is one commonality in women that seems to trend is that we don't know what we want until its right in front of us. Just because its nice to have someone around to listen to your problems and be your friend, its not fair if there are feelings involved. Someone will always get hurt. Trust me, cut off the relationship. Find some sort of solace within your friends who are just friends and continue to live life.

Again, the right person will come along. I am not saying that because I have found love, I am saying that because I have seen it happen time and time again. Remember, only you are responsible for your own happiness. If you are in a situation where you know you are driving yourself nuts, then get out. No need to continue to put salt on a wound that stays open.

The Cycle

I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it. - Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City

Growth is inevitable. Well, at least to me. I have never envisioned myself to ever stay stagnant. To not continue learning about the world, life, and myself. I know I'm not perfect. I don't think anyone is. Everyone is their own definition of who they allowed themselves to be. Some are just unaware how they got to where they are. I remember in college, I had a roommate who was my friend, at the time, and she was doing a study on Puerto Ricans and their role in society. Because Puerto Ricans are citizens of the U.S., they are eligible for benefits like welfare which they take advantage of especially in low income neighborhoods. Her study was specifically in Chicago. Anyhow, she talked about the "Cycle of Poverty". I always found this interesting because it solidified the notion that sometimes we just don't know any better because we weren't taught. This idea basically meant that because these Puerto Ricans learned to live in poor conditions, survive in low income areas, and had no aspirations to live any other way, they passed on these traits to their children who continued the trend. Thus, ensuing a cycle that continued. Granted, there was always the exception but that's all it is, the exception, not the rule. I have always been a student of people. Learning their behavior, their reactions, and so on to understand why they would say the things they said or did the things they did. When I dated, it became a little bit of a challenge until I actually really liked the person and got really frustrated when they didn't see what I saw. The potential of a great thing. Luckily, God had a plan and landed me with the Comedian. I am forever grateful for that. I didn't learn very much from my parents. They did teach me to be a good person and to be considerate of people's feelings but I wasn't taught about money or love or how to deal with sketchy people. My mom was never really into makeup or clothes, she's a very plain woman. She's a peaceful, reserved woman. And I came out like a thunderbolt ready to strike the next social gathering. Plus she had straight hair. Not me...lol. Let's say, I've been referred to Shakira on a regular basis because of my wild curls. I learned how to blow dry my hair from my hair stylist, friends, and youtube. I learned how to apply makeup by the back of pallets of eyeshadow and youtube. This is because I wanted to be someone who wanted to be a bit more fashionable and I realized I never learned that from my mom. I LOVE shoes and she wonders why I have so many. My point out of all of this that you have the choice to decide who you want to be. Like Carrie from Sex and the City, I know that I will never be the perfect girl who can keep her clothes clean through a meal. Hell, for whatever reason I always manage to get something on myself. I will always be the person who walks accidentally into a pole or falls in public. But that's who I accept. Whatever I want to change, is my own choice. I know I won't every be a statistic unless it comes to cliche surveys on how many shoes I own. Love yourself and who you are. You are unique in your own right. If you don't like the situation you're in, change it. You are the designer of your life. Don't let excuses on why things aren't the way you planned get in the way. Because you are the only reason you got to where you are.

The Road to Self Discovery

I finally did it. I figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up. It has been a struggle in many avenues of my life during the beginning of the year, however, I found that I stepped on this road to finding out what I really wanted and how to really express myself. For those who know me, I'm not necessarily the best at expressing myself verbally but when it comes to pen and paper, I am fluent in emotion. I think the current relationship I'm in has opened my eyes in who I am as a person in a relationship. I look back in all of my experiences and I find that I really needed someone to invest in me, the person I am.I'm stubborn, I really don't know how I feel until 20 minutes later, and I stutter when I'm angry. It's a bit astonishing because I recall some past relationships where I used to fight all of time when I'm not an aggressive person. I think some people just know how to push your buttons. I tend to be a really patient person so a lot of things don't bother me. I really don't like those who are inconsiderate and always try to find the easiest way out. Maybe I can be a little hard, but my business upbringing wasn't exactly a walk in the park. I have a little birdie in my head that always says, "Don't do something if you're going to do it half ass." I tend to want to be as hard on people as I am myself and I have to remember, they are not me. So relax! I know you're sitting there wondering, "Alright already! What do you want to be when you grow up?" Fine, I'll tell you! I want to be a Corporate Trainer and do training development. I really have a passion for teaching people and I would get to integrate writing in the process... boom! Now, I know you're thinking, why don't you just be a teacher? In all honesty, I'm not a kids person. I love the ones in my life, but dealing with other kids and their potentially bad upbringing. I don't have the patience for it. I do, however, want to commend the teachers that do and love their job. Thank you for molding the future. I look forward to this journey. See you at the finish line!

I'm Rubber, You're Glue

It's late tonight and I am just in a moment of randomness. I really should be reading an article for class. Yes, I'm back in school pursuing my MBA. I don't know where it will lead me but the future looks promising. Anyhow, I realize I am more and more a student of human behavior as time goes and the more I learn. I find it interesting how egos can get scarred by someone else so easily. I am a victim of the same. I think it can more damaging when it someone you hold in high regard as the one doing the slashing of the soul. The problem is remembering that "I'm rubber, you're glue". Kids got it down pat with that rhyme. What changed? I think puberty made us emotional fools. We should remember the present is the most important time of your life. Not the past or the future but the now. Every moment now is the best moment.

I have been an advocate for living life happily. Granted, bad things will happen but those things are meant to learn from. I love my friends and family. And I know they love me for my love for life, laughter, corny jokes, and random facts I feel for whatever reason everyone should know. But that's me. I have learned that the less you care about what people think about you, the more you can be yourself, and people will love you for just that. You being you.

Our Ego makes us Judge

"Judge not, that ye be not judged.  For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again." - Matthew 7:1-2 (KJV)

Society and the bible teaches us two different things.  All over social media someone is judging what someone is wearing, what they are doing, how they are doing, what their children look like, how many posts they put up a day and so on.  Reality TV has made a killing because viewers love a drama.  They want to live vicariously through people in situations they probably could not dream of being a part of whether it would be a love story or two girls having it out because their weave was pulled.  I mean there's a show on judging what someone was wearing on the red carpet.

I think sometimes we're so accustomed to judging and talking about other people that we lose sight of how we should really treat others.  I tell myself not to scrutinize someone because it is not right but there might be a little voice in my head that is saying otherwise.  God says not to judge because he created us in his image.  He will make the final decision on judgement day.  Whether you are Christian or not, the same holds true through most religions.  To be an honest person who embraces themselves and loves others.    I am told that I am to love everyone even if I don't agree with their decisions.

I guess this comes as difficult for me because all I've ever wanted to do is help people but in the long run I ended up just trying to make them more like myself.  My happiness is my own.  I have the yearn to teach other people but it has taken me a long time to recognize to give help when someone seeks it.  Someone once asked me,

"Why do you feel the need to teach them how to be grammatically more correct?  Is it for them or is it for you?"

I think in the end we're boosting our ego.  It's never for them.  It's to make us feel like we've done something to help even though they didn't ask for it.  I have sincerely been struggling with not trying to control others in what they do.  All control does is boost the ego.  I know I've spoken about ego in previous posts, its a false sense of making us feel better about ourselves.  Living on my own for such a long time, I realize that I might have become set in my ways and I have to search to find a way to stop the control.  Let life happen.

It's interesting because I've spoken to some of my guy friends who are planning weddings and they feel frazzled.  I think wedding planning has to be one of the most hectic things one might do because you want to control the outcome.  In reality, you can't.  You can do the best you can and know the day will be amazing regardless of the bumps in the road.  Once you let go, I know you will feel peace.  Work hard at it and things will find a way of working out the way God intended.

The Fall Air

Something about fall always brings back all kinds of memories. The smell of the air changes, even in Florida. There is something reminiscent of the holidays. I can't necessarily put my finger on it but normally I change, my emotions change. When I went away for college, I struggled with being separated from all that I knew. I put up a big wall saying that I could handle it because I'm a military brat, however, I really didn't understand that I needed the norm of my family life to bring me back to the ground. There were a lot of changes going on during that time of my life. My mom remarried, my sister moved away with her boyfriend at the time, and I didn't have the relationship I wanted with my father. I was struggling to find myself in a new world. For whatever reason I fell into a depression. After becoming suicidal, I went to counseling. He then diagnosed me with seasonal depression meaning that only during a certain time of the year, I became depressed. This was only the first occurrence.

Year after year, I would suffer a darkness during the fall. I wanted to be part of a family, I wanted a sense of normalcy, in my eyes. I tell you, there is nothing like wishing you had somewhere to celebrate where you felt accepted. I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with my family. I was so lost and incomplete. Instead of smelling the fall air, I would want to sleep until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. It was safer in my dark room.

Through the years, I became better at dealing with this darkness during the fall. It even skipped a few years until last year. It came back. The feeling of being alone. I couldn't look at anyone without breaking down and wanting to cry. There was no one there to save me until I saw The Secret. There was so much hope in that message. Hope that I didn't need a family to make me happy, I was already part of one. I was alienating myself because it was all about me. I finally opened my eyes and saw that what you bring to yourself is what you have. I am wealthy through my friends and family. Also, I learned you are NEVER alone. God has always and will always be there. He will be your family, your friend and most of you, your father.

There is no point in living in this world in a negative light. Everyone has their own personal drama to deal with. Everyone has a story. As I always say, what makes you who you are is not what you've been through but how you deal with it.

6 Points on Love in the Beginning...

I've been doing some reading today and it sparked some thoughts in regards to my life and relationships.  I have had ups and downs but all that had made me realize is that life is precious.  There are some points I wanted to address when it comes to starting a new relationship.  I found throughout my blogs, there were common themes.  Below, I discuss what I’ve learned prior to my relationship and during.  There is more to come as I learn about myself… 1.  Love will come when you least expect it

I can honestly say that this is very true.  When I look back on my relationships, all of them came in a time where I wasn’t looking for a relationship.  The times I did try to pursue someone, it always ended where I started questioning myself.  More than often enough, those were times where that person wasn’t as in to me as I was into them.  Currently, I couldn’t be happier and trust me, the person I am with is the last person on earth I expected to contact me.  However, I am so grateful that he did.  Sometimes we leave marks on people’s hearts and lives.  Those who realize those marks are the ones who treasure them more than anyone.

2.  Be Patient

One thing I learned prior to my current relationship was to be patient.  I had been struggling with abandonment issues for a fairly long time.  Granted, almost any girl freaks out when the guy she likes doesn’t respond right away, even if he’s just taking a nap.  It’s the unknown that is the scary part.  Some ladies hide it better than others.  I learned to internalize a lot of my neurosis, then analyze them after the fact.  Regardless, men can sense when you are really insecure. Figuring out your reasons for reacting the way you do is very important your own personal growth.

3.  Stay busy

One thing that helps with the impatience I was trying to internalize was staying busy.  I am blessed with amazing friends.  Also, I found a hobby in writing.  There is nothing better to do with your time than build relationships that will last a long time.  I find it true that in the beginning of the relationship, you have to keep your ground and still remain the same or similar to the person you truly are.  Many of us become sucked into the other person and want to spend every waking moment with them.  In time, you will get comfortable with your significant other, then have to find yourself again.  By maintaining your hobbies and relationships, you are more likely to still be you.

There will be a time where you start getting into the groove of your relationship.  When this starts to occur (my current state), you will find that it will be super easy to integrate your loved one into your life as well as you into his.  It is really about communication and wanting to work in a partnership.

4.  Men are simple

I have mentioned this point in blogs before.  Men are simple.  When they like you, they like you.  When they don’t or they want you for another purpose, they start acting strange and do things that freak you out.  Honesty and trust are priority in a relationship.  If you can’t trust the person you’re with, then what’s the point?  One of you ends up going crazy because they are always questioning the other person.  I personally don’t believe in invading someone else’s privacy by going through their phone, tablet, or computer.  If they have something to hide, they’ll hide it.

On that note, I cannot stress the importance of a woman’s intuition.  You know deep down inside when something is wrong.  Don’t deny it, cover it with excuses, or anything.  Confront it.  There is a difference between insecurity and intuition.  One is emotionally driven and the other is instinct.

5.  Do not try to change the man; if you’re making excuses for him then maybe he’s not right for you.

I’ve been in relationships where I am engulfed in the person I think the other should be but at the end of the day, they aren’t.  If you’re looking for a long term relationship, this is someone you intend on being with until your last days.  Change can only come from within.  Only you can control your own actions and who you are as a person.  I have a few guy friends who continue to date the same kinds of girls and yet, they keep getting burned.  This goes both ways.  Excuse my language but you can’t be Captain Save a Hoe.  Someone who doesn’t have their stuff together won’t magically get it together because you’re in their lives.  It is important that you realize you are with someone who makes you a better version of you, not bring you down.

There are obviously exceptions to the rule, you know urban myths where someone’s friend of a friend changed their husband and now they live happily ever after.  Remember, those are exceptions, not the rule.  I would recommend watching the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, it holds a lot of truth.  It’s one of my favorites when it comes to debunking dating myths.

6.  Your partner should be your best friend

Last, but not least, your significant other should be someone you can be yourself with.  They should be the one you trust with your deepest darkest secrets.  They should be someone you grow with.  There are some things you won’t share, like the latest on your favorite reality show or the intimate details of your best friend’s labor story.  It is one thing I have learned in my current relationship.  There are just some things he doesn’t care for, like how I might cut my finger nails from left to right or that I always forget passwords.  I have the tendency to over explain myself.  All in all, The Comedian always makes me laugh in even the most strenuous of circumstances but yet he is there when I need a shoulder to cry on.

I can honestly say, I am truly happy with my current circumstance.  My point here is not to tell you what to do but my advice when it comes to entering a relationship from my own personal experience.  All relationships are different but remember you are the only one in charge of your own happiness.  If you’re not happy with yourself, you can’t be happy with anyone else.

Knowing Me First

"To love others you must first love yourself" - Leo Buscaglia

Since the chain of events that changed my life in my early twenties, I found it a mission to really mold myself into the person that I wanted to become.  In order to that, you have to be conscious of your own nuances.  Why do I get angry when this happens?  Why do I cry when that happens?  These questions consistently rattled my mind of years.  Maybe enlightenment was the path I was supposed to take, who knows?  All I know was is that I wanted to understand me.

My biggest struggle was handling emotions.  I absolutely despise confrontation.  I've always been a better communicator through writing.  I don't know if I was conditioned by AOL chat rooms but that's what happened.  In relationships, I found myself going to a third person to vent my frustrations instead of talking to my boyfriend at the time.  All that ended up doing was creating a pathway for my roommate to get close to my boyfriend then start seeing him after we broke up :-/  Then I realized, when you start making excuses for the other person, that is when you should start questioning the happiness in your relationship.  You should never want to change the person you're with but you should be with someone that does make you a better version of yourself, not bring you down.

When I get upset, I tend to start shaking, then I have this uncontrollable urge to cry.  Ha!  I must sound like a mess...lol.  I had to learn to hone in my emotions so that I would understand how to react whenever I do get angry.  I promise, I am much better than I used to be.  It does take a lot to get me to the point where I am angry or upset.  The idea is to handle it when I get there, not bottle it up and put it to the side.

I can't stress enough that I'm not perfect, no one is.  But I do work on myself every single day.  Some days are good, some days are great and others are just plain awful.  We are in charge of everything we put in front of us.  Think about what got you here because if you want to get out, you're the only one who can save YOU.

My Own Happiness

"The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am a quote lover.  It is not uncommon that in conversation I might refer to a quote or two to prove my point when it comes to finding inner peace and happiness. The one I just mentioned by Ralph Waldo Emerson resonates with me because years ago I decided who I wanted to be.  Recently, at a book club meeting, we got into a heated conversation about finding happiness mostly due to our book selection "The Happiness Project" by Gretchin Rubin.  We were talking about how people fall into ruts when they go through traumatic situations.  I've always said,

"It's not what you've been through that makes you who you are it's how you handle it".

I am a firm believer that only you can change yourself.  For things to be different around you, the mindset you think with has to change as well.  I think that's the genius of positive thinking.  Your brain is such a powerful thing.  It change your mood within a second.  As humans, we want to blame other things for our well-being.  At the end of the day, it always comes down to us.  Entrepreneurs are successful because they already believe they are where they want to be.  People who are blessed surround themselves with those who love them which create a positive environment.  They are grateful for what they have, thus making them happier.

It might be strange to think that it is all true but I encourage you to try it.  If a negative thought comes into your head, brush it away and replace it with something positive.  Just try it for a day.  I would love to know how it turns out.

Anxiously Waiting

This past weekend I was presented with a new thought. Growing up, I was told to be on time. Worse, I was told I had to be 5 minutes early because being on time was considered late. You can thank my military upbringing. I have always made an effort to let people know I was on my way, running late or I couldn't make it. Something in my conscience told me that was the right thing to do. After doing some thinking after a conversation, I started to wonder where the anxiety came from. Why did I feel the necessity to tell someone so much information without them asking for it? I felt it was polite or the right thing to do but was it even something they cared to know. I'm not honestly sure, I did it because I felt it was a courtesy. But this goes deeper than all of that. After reading The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, I realize that we do things and hope the same in return.

I've learned over time that you should not expect people to be like you. Trust me, it wasn't easy considering I can be a grammar nazi sometimes and I want to correct anyone any chance I get. But that, in turn, it's unnecessary. People respect you more when they ask you for help and you provide it. I learned to just be patient and be there when someone needs help with something that I know.

Recently, I realized that I struggled with just that, the know it all attitude. I have been so proud of being on time, I didn't realize that I was imposing the behavior on someone who wasn't accustomed to my punctuality. I started to dig deeper into why I got nervous when they didn't arrive in the time expected and an old friend reared their ugly head.

I know I've mentioned in previous blogs before but I have experienced serious bouts with abandonment. It all boils down to being left alone, then, feeling uncomfortable because I was expecting that person to come to my call and take the aloneness away. This realization surprised me. I felt that I have come a long way from where I was last year but for whatever reason, I'm still battling an old demon.

As I continue to discover nuances about myself, I have to remember all of the learning I did late last year and early this year. Stay in the moment, enjoy those you are with and time is of the essence. Be positive. Never let old demons beat you because they are not who you are. You are now, the present not what's on your mind.

Is this your Reality?

Yet another conversation with the Comedian has inspired me today.  You know its a beautiful thing in a relationship when conversations spark a stream of creativity.  We have discussed in the past, other people's realities.  It's not easy to explain but when you become conscious by living in the present, the remedial things like gossip and drama that other people might emphasize don't matter to you.  In all honesty, I had some situations where I became bothered by someone else's reality.  You really just want to enjoy each moment as beautiful as it is.  When poison starts interrupting those moments, you become distracted and the goal is to get back to where you were.

I remembered, in watching The Secret, they mentioned that sometimes when you wake on the wrong side of the bed in the morning, it might create a whole day of negative energy but in reality as soon as you feel like you're going in that direction, you have every right to change your mood around.  Only you are in charge of your emotions and your surroundings.  That includes those who surround yourself with.  Another interesting book I've been reading, The 4-Hour Work Week by Timothy Ferriss, touches on the idea that the 5 closest people closest to you are a reflection of who you are.  It's been a long road, but I can honestly say that true with those very close to me.

I am reminded that everyone has their own reality and we are not one to change those realities.  We are to just accept them and only control our own destiny.  This past Sunday's sermon, Joel Osteen said, "Nothing you have done has canceled your destiny." God still has a plan for you.  It is your choice to listen.  If we want to live in a reality that fogs our vision to who we really want to become then we might not get there.  The way my life has changed in the last 9 months, I want to continue to choose a path of positive enlightenment.  What about you?

"I am what I choose to become!"

"I am what I choose to become!".

The Best Advice...

Ironically enough, the best advice I ever received was not about relationships or my career or even my choice in school but it happened to be about my finances. Unfortunately, I didn't receive much guidance from my parents when it came to money. I was suckered into credit card when I was in college and I lived the cliche poor student lifestyle. I don't feen for ramen, actually I was never very fond of it, but I do have memories of my best friend and I gathering up all the money we had to hit up the dollar menu.After college, I struggled. I worked for a publishing company where I was sexually harassed by the owner then when I told a coworker that I was going to file a complaint, I was coincidentally fired. After that, I worked for a company owned by Lou Pearlman. If anyone knows, he went bankrupt and I was caught up within that time, hence, another job lost. Finally, I made it to my current company, a breath of fresh air. During the midst of all of this, a good friend of mine told me,

My father was a wise man, he said to never depend on money you don't have.

A light bulb turned on for me. This one conversation set in motion a whole new way at looking at my finances. I started paying my bills first and eventually saving for a rainy day. I know it sounds so simple, however, I was a young girl in my early 20s at the time. I truly dedicate my independence to this advice. I've learned much more since then but freeing myself from a burden of wondering how the next bill would be paid. I'm also not where I want to be. In writing this blog, a year from now, I will be in a better place financially. (Positive thinking, positive results :-)) On a side note, I would love to thank The WordPress Chick for influencing this blog. You're awesome!

Who do I want to be?

A couple of nights ago, I was having a conversation with the Comedian about my last post. We talked about the human condition and our parents. I have always compared my parents to my friend's parents and wished I was in a different situation. I spent the majority of my teens and early twenties trying to figure out how to live life. My dad had left and my mom was never very emotionally available. During that time, I didn't have much guidance, all I knew is that I wanted to leave go away to college and that's what I did. I lived the cliche life of a lost college girl figuring it all out or letting my friends figure it out for me. My point after all of this is that I really didn't have much guidance during that time of my life. Finding my identity was not an easy feat but I don't believe it's an easy feat for anyone, I guess I personally found it difficult because I didn't have anyone to look up to.At the end of the day, everyone has a story. Someone's parents used to abuse them or their father was an alcoholic. I believe those traits might either give us character or we fall into the same pattern. (On a side note, I find this topic even more interesting because I started it a few days ago and on my way back from Miami this past weekend, the Comedian and I were listening to Joel Osteen who gave a sermon on a very similar topic... ahh serendipity). You, as a person, chooses whether you want to inherit your parent's habits. Some of make excuses for every day life, it's because its the way my mom did it or its because my dad had a temper. Life is really about choices. We choose our clothes each day, what time we wake up, whether we wear our hair up or down. It's maybe hard to comprehend but you do have a choice to be angry or upset. I believe I read this quote once:

"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours." ~Wayne Dyer

In Joel Osteen's message, he said you are the one who can break the personality trait and you choose whether you pass it down to your children. My point out of all of this is whether you have guidance or not, at the end of the day, you have the final choice on how you want to be as a person. It might be hard to believe, but once you consistently think positively and pay close attention to your actions, things will start to look different. People will start treating you differently. It's absolutely amazing.

You don't have to be your mother's habits or have your father's temper. You can be whomever you want to be. It's the beauty of the mind. It's yours.

Marilyn

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

Last night, in between watching the NBA Finals, I watched this documentary about Marilyn Monroe. Call me a history geek but I love to watch stories of famous figures and where they came from. Something about their road to fame has always intrigued me. I didn't know much about Marilyn Monroe minus the fact that she committed suicide, sang to the president and the numerous quotes I see on Facebook and Instagram.

I found that she was an extremely insecure person who hid her reality behind this persona she created. I mean, it seemed it was genius that she was this sexual temptress and knew exactly what she was was doing. But at the end of the day, it was all a rouse. Just something that she was expected to be and she put herself there. I watched her struggle through her life fighting the stigma she was thought to be from the beginning of her career. I mean she consistently read books to fight the fact that she didn't finish high school.

After watching the documentary, I came to think to myself how much I related to her at one point in my life. It was so easy to push people out instead of letting them see the demons I hid in my closet. Granted, I wasn't an orphan and went from foster home to foster home, but I was very alone for a long time. Alone in the sense that I felt like no one really knew who I was and I chose not to share my deepest thoughts. It was easier to put a wall up and not deal with being vulnerable.

What I realized over time is that I would drive myself crazy by being that alone. I can understand that Marilyn probably didn't want to be in her head. Women, in general, do have their thoughts go a mile a minute. I remember there were times where I would get so frustrated with myself that I would just want to scream. It's crazy what a little self reflection would do to you.

I do want to reiterate that knowing who you truly are inside and out is so important to your own sanity as well as those around you. Over time, I have been able to hone in on my idiosyncrasies. I am no where near perfect but I do recognize my faults and work on them. Also, I have realized that I've never truly been alone. I've always had God right beside me through my journey of life. It's crazy to think that was the one thing I couldn't grasp for the longest time and now that I do, I am so much happier. I do wonder, what could had been done to save Marilyn.

Death to my 20s

It happened... my 30th birthday. My coworkers have a tradition that on someone's birthday, their desk should be trashed. For mine, they created a funeral for my 20s. My VP was laughing so hard, she was crying. Some people look at is as a milestone in their lives where they go through all of the dreams they had throughout their 20s and wonder why they hadn't gotten there yet. I, on the other hand, did not feel any different. I did reminisce a little bit about where I thought I would had been. I did think in my early 20s that I would be married by now and have some sort of career that I love. Neither has happened, needless to say. Then I started to think, I am truly happy so why does what hasn't happened matter?

It doesn't matter. Living your life to the fullest with whatever comes to you is the best way to live. You can't control everything but you can control your thoughts and surroundings. I had a conversation a few months ago with a friend's brother. He looked at me and said, "You created your life, didn't you?" I had never really thought about it before but I did create everything around me. It's all about the decisions you make and the person you decide to be. There was a moment in my early 20s where I was at the bottom and I told myself, I will not be this repressed person. I will be the best version of me that I can be. It's been a great road.

I know great things are coming in my 30s. I look forward to every minute of it.