6 Points on Love in the Beginning...

I've been doing some reading today and it sparked some thoughts in regards to my life and relationships.  I have had ups and downs but all that had made me realize is that life is precious.  There are some points I wanted to address when it comes to starting a new relationship.  I found throughout my blogs, there were common themes.  Below, I discuss what I’ve learned prior to my relationship and during.  There is more to come as I learn about myself… 1.  Love will come when you least expect it

I can honestly say that this is very true.  When I look back on my relationships, all of them came in a time where I wasn’t looking for a relationship.  The times I did try to pursue someone, it always ended where I started questioning myself.  More than often enough, those were times where that person wasn’t as in to me as I was into them.  Currently, I couldn’t be happier and trust me, the person I am with is the last person on earth I expected to contact me.  However, I am so grateful that he did.  Sometimes we leave marks on people’s hearts and lives.  Those who realize those marks are the ones who treasure them more than anyone.

2.  Be Patient

One thing I learned prior to my current relationship was to be patient.  I had been struggling with abandonment issues for a fairly long time.  Granted, almost any girl freaks out when the guy she likes doesn’t respond right away, even if he’s just taking a nap.  It’s the unknown that is the scary part.  Some ladies hide it better than others.  I learned to internalize a lot of my neurosis, then analyze them after the fact.  Regardless, men can sense when you are really insecure. Figuring out your reasons for reacting the way you do is very important your own personal growth.

3.  Stay busy

One thing that helps with the impatience I was trying to internalize was staying busy.  I am blessed with amazing friends.  Also, I found a hobby in writing.  There is nothing better to do with your time than build relationships that will last a long time.  I find it true that in the beginning of the relationship, you have to keep your ground and still remain the same or similar to the person you truly are.  Many of us become sucked into the other person and want to spend every waking moment with them.  In time, you will get comfortable with your significant other, then have to find yourself again.  By maintaining your hobbies and relationships, you are more likely to still be you.

There will be a time where you start getting into the groove of your relationship.  When this starts to occur (my current state), you will find that it will be super easy to integrate your loved one into your life as well as you into his.  It is really about communication and wanting to work in a partnership.

4.  Men are simple

I have mentioned this point in blogs before.  Men are simple.  When they like you, they like you.  When they don’t or they want you for another purpose, they start acting strange and do things that freak you out.  Honesty and trust are priority in a relationship.  If you can’t trust the person you’re with, then what’s the point?  One of you ends up going crazy because they are always questioning the other person.  I personally don’t believe in invading someone else’s privacy by going through their phone, tablet, or computer.  If they have something to hide, they’ll hide it.

On that note, I cannot stress the importance of a woman’s intuition.  You know deep down inside when something is wrong.  Don’t deny it, cover it with excuses, or anything.  Confront it.  There is a difference between insecurity and intuition.  One is emotionally driven and the other is instinct.

5.  Do not try to change the man; if you’re making excuses for him then maybe he’s not right for you.

I’ve been in relationships where I am engulfed in the person I think the other should be but at the end of the day, they aren’t.  If you’re looking for a long term relationship, this is someone you intend on being with until your last days.  Change can only come from within.  Only you can control your own actions and who you are as a person.  I have a few guy friends who continue to date the same kinds of girls and yet, they keep getting burned.  This goes both ways.  Excuse my language but you can’t be Captain Save a Hoe.  Someone who doesn’t have their stuff together won’t magically get it together because you’re in their lives.  It is important that you realize you are with someone who makes you a better version of you, not bring you down.

There are obviously exceptions to the rule, you know urban myths where someone’s friend of a friend changed their husband and now they live happily ever after.  Remember, those are exceptions, not the rule.  I would recommend watching the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, it holds a lot of truth.  It’s one of my favorites when it comes to debunking dating myths.

6.  Your partner should be your best friend

Last, but not least, your significant other should be someone you can be yourself with.  They should be the one you trust with your deepest darkest secrets.  They should be someone you grow with.  There are some things you won’t share, like the latest on your favorite reality show or the intimate details of your best friend’s labor story.  It is one thing I have learned in my current relationship.  There are just some things he doesn’t care for, like how I might cut my finger nails from left to right or that I always forget passwords.  I have the tendency to over explain myself.  All in all, The Comedian always makes me laugh in even the most strenuous of circumstances but yet he is there when I need a shoulder to cry on.

I can honestly say, I am truly happy with my current circumstance.  My point here is not to tell you what to do but my advice when it comes to entering a relationship from my own personal experience.  All relationships are different but remember you are the only one in charge of your own happiness.  If you’re not happy with yourself, you can’t be happy with anyone else.

Daddy's Little Girl, I think...

One of the biggest thing I've struggled with through my 20's were abandonment issues.  I was talking to a friend of mine about my relationship with my father and what had transpired in the last 3 years.  My father and I never really had a close relationship growing up.  As previously discussed in other posts, he was in the Army pretty much all of my life.  From what I remember, he was normally working and traveling.  When I was about 11 years old, he traveled to Panama on business and really never moved back home.  My parents ended up divorcing right before I turned 14.  After that, he came around every so often to check in or send me money for school. At that time, I really became lost.  Even though he wasn't around, I felt the need to impress him.  I did really good in school to get his approval and when he left, it became pointless.  I did well in High School but as soon as I got to college, things just didn't work out the way I was accustomed to.  It might have been other factors, however, not having my Daddy around didn't help either.

When you might think of a girl having daddy issues, one of two things might come to mind.  She might be overly promiscuous and afraid of commitment or she might find relationship after relationship to fill that void of not having a father around.  I won't say where I stand but I can say I was afraid of commitment for a very long time.  It seemed as if I had sabotaged myself on several occasions where I might had been with a really good guy but I was just afraid he was going to leave me like my father did.  There was a point in my late 20's where I felt that I was never going to get married.  It became just a norm for me.  I was by myself, no one was close enough to hurt and leave me and I was content.

I did meet someone in my life who found it a hobby to figure me out.  In the long run, I think she really helped me learn to get close to someone.  I did have great friends in college who helped me through tough times but I think at this point I could really recognize my thoughts and why I felt the way I felt.  She would point out little nuances in things I would say and it kind of made me realize how close of a friend she really became.

About 3 years ago, for whatever reason, my father did come back into the picture full time.  I mean, an email almost every day and a phone call practically once a week.  After all of this time, I had to make some adjustments.  It was crazy because my abandonment issues started to become less and less apparent.  However, there would be moments after that which would make me relapse but the point is my father coming back into the picture did alleviate some of that pressure I was putting on myself.

It wasn't until February of this year, I really started to overcome those issues because I started going to church.  I felt the conviction of God weighing heavy on my heart and I had to forgive him for not being there all that time.  Trust me, I am so grateful he is back in my life.  I never realized until we've gotten close that I get a lot of my personality traits from him like sarcasm and the want to be a social butterfly.  He tells me stories about how I was his little baby and touches my heart.  To know he has always loved me the whole time.  These memories can never be taken away.

At the end of the day, that's all that matters.  Not the past, not the future but what is going on now.  Right now, my Daddy has become a great part of my life.  Forgiving him and all of the others that might have hurt me was the best thing I could have ever done.  For things to change, all you have to do is pray.  God has a plan and I know it's a great one. 

Is this your Reality?

Yet another conversation with the Comedian has inspired me today.  You know its a beautiful thing in a relationship when conversations spark a stream of creativity.  We have discussed in the past, other people's realities.  It's not easy to explain but when you become conscious by living in the present, the remedial things like gossip and drama that other people might emphasize don't matter to you.  In all honesty, I had some situations where I became bothered by someone else's reality.  You really just want to enjoy each moment as beautiful as it is.  When poison starts interrupting those moments, you become distracted and the goal is to get back to where you were.

I remembered, in watching The Secret, they mentioned that sometimes when you wake on the wrong side of the bed in the morning, it might create a whole day of negative energy but in reality as soon as you feel like you're going in that direction, you have every right to change your mood around.  Only you are in charge of your emotions and your surroundings.  That includes those who surround yourself with.  Another interesting book I've been reading, The 4-Hour Work Week by Timothy Ferriss, touches on the idea that the 5 closest people closest to you are a reflection of who you are.  It's been a long road, but I can honestly say that true with those very close to me.

I am reminded that everyone has their own reality and we are not one to change those realities.  We are to just accept them and only control our own destiny.  This past Sunday's sermon, Joel Osteen said, "Nothing you have done has canceled your destiny." God still has a plan for you.  It is your choice to listen.  If we want to live in a reality that fogs our vision to who we really want to become then we might not get there.  The way my life has changed in the last 9 months, I want to continue to choose a path of positive enlightenment.  What about you?

Contrasting Mistakes

This past Sunday, the Comedian and I attended our church's service as we try to do as often as possible. Our normal pastor was on vacation so another filled in for him. This particular pastor I've grown a liking to because he makes his sermons relatable. He started talking about TVs with the dials, if you don't remember, you had to stand up to change the channel or in my case, my parents made me do it.

He started talking about the dials on the bottom of the TV and one happened to be contrast. How would we be different than everyone else? How would we be a better Christian? As the sermon went on, I listened intently as I was looking for what this message could bring to me that day. Finally, he brought up moral responsibility. As I had discussed in Is Divorce an Option? that society accepts failure like everything is okay. It is okay to make a mistake, we're just human. We have all decided that we can get away with whatever we want. People cheat all the time, so its accepted. Some of us steal but its okay, we make mistakes. It is so interesting when I find someone who speaks on a topic which made my wheels turn as well.

I personally believe that we do make mistakes but what separates us from being a better person is owning up to those mistakes. I have so much respect for those who don't hide behind excuses and say, yes, I messed up and I'm sorry. Integrity is such an honorable trait, in my person opinion. Over the years, I decided to be transparent. Trying to lie to get out of something never panned out well in the end, so why even try it? The pastor went on to say that those who are "pure" are looked as fake. It's interesting that we all strive to be better people and when we find someone who really sticks by their values, they are scrutinized. What a twisted world we live in.

To be better people, we really do have to look deep down inside and decide. Do you want to be transparent and pure? Or do you want to keep hiding behind your mistakes?

Happy Birthday America!

During occasions which involves the military, I get pretty emotional.  I'm the type of person who cries during the national anthem.  My dad retired as a Lt. Colonel in the army not too long ago and continues to work for the military as a civilian.  I have three cousins in the military.  Two in the navy and one in the army.  I was also engaged to someone in the army who served in Afghanistan. So as you can see, I have a lot of ties and respect for what men and women in the military do for us to keep our country safe. 

I get especially emotional when I see a soldier speak to his/her family while deployed or when they come home.  I tend to be a very strong person when it comes to crying, however, that always touches a part of my heart.  At the moment, I'm extremely torn because my cousin, who is like a brother to me, is going back to Afghanistan this month.  I can't imagine what goes on over there but by what I've been told, its not exactly a pleasant nor safe situation.  I know you risk your life by simply getting into a car but something is to be said about being in a very hostile area where your life is in danger by walking in the wrong area.  

Growing up, I told myself that I never wanted to date someone in the military.  Not that I don't have respect for what they do but I knew that, deep down inside, I couldn't handle the lifestyle.  I knew that I wanted someone to be there with me to raise the family, to be there with me through thick and thin.  My love language is Quality Time (I totally recommend that you read the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman), which means, in order for me to feel loved or have my love tank full, I need to spend time with that person and have good quality time with them.  I give major props to military wives and girlfriends who hold down the fort while their men are overseas.  I know its not easy.  It was very hard for me while my ex fiance was overseas.  I remember, I cried literally every day for the first month he was away on his deployment.  I just don't like the idea of losing someone you care about, I mean, who does?  

This blog goes out to all of those who have served for our country, those families who have lost loved ones and those who are overseas right now.  I am immensely grateful for all that you've done.  I also want to pray that my cousins all come home safely as one is about to leave and the other two are away from home already.  I love you all.

Where did all of this positive thinking come from...

I believe, one has to realize they need to make a change. I have always been a positive thinker but maybe up until 8 or 9 months ago, I wasn't content. I made myself think that my life was great and some aspects of it was. I had great friends and a great support system. I also had a social calendar that kept me busy for the most part but something had been missing. I had dealt with bouts of depression since I was in college. I always refused to take medication because I knew I could get through it. I did, however, whenever there was a trigger, I hit rock bottom. I remember days where I couldn't get out of bed and wanting to remain in the dark as well as all of the other things that came with it.

I really don't remember the exact order of events that changed me in the first month of the transition but I had been dating someone then I was rejected. We weren't in a relationship since it was fairly new but it was the rejection part that tore me into pieces. My depression was encircled by abandonment. When I felt abandoned, I just broke down. It was such a small trigger but I think it had been building up to that point.

After not being able to breathe and crying every moment I thought about the rejection, I told myself, I never want to feel this way again. I went to a meeting and I saw the movie, "The Secret". That then changed my life forever. I was on a new path. I realized that any negative thoughts would get me to that point again and I would live striving to be a positive thinker. One thing the movie based on the book with the same name showed me was to make a visual board. The things I would like to have in my life. I wrote on some index cards and put them next to my bed of things that I want out of life. One happened to be one that came to fruition shortly after. I asked to be a long term prosperous relationship. Not only 1 or 2 days later, I heard from someone that had made a huge impact on me when we were dating 2 years before. The interesting thing about him coming back into my life is that he also read The Secret and some other positive thinking books such as the Power of Now. Our conversations consisted of this positive thinking journey which I cherish to this day because those conversations continue. He is my boyfriend of 6 months and I am hopelessly in love.

A few months later, I started going to church with him. I realized the bible taught the same ideals. Negative thoughts are the devil messing with your head. He wants to bring you down. The bible teaches us to be positive, thankful and wishful thinkers. I continue to embrace these ideals and really be a positive and true friend to those around me whether we're close or not. You never know the impact you will leave on their lives by not being negative. In the words of Janet Perez Eckles, I would love to my purpose in life to be an inspiration to others to be positive as well. I know for a fact that on this path, I will not have to deal with depression again.

Remember When...

Don't you remember when bills did not have to paid and you could run in the backyard without a care in the world. When your friends weren't going through divorces or horrible losses. When no one has ever harmed you and the butterfly which landed on your shoulder was left with a place to rest. Remember when you were awoken and carried in your father's arms because you fell asleep on the couch watching "My Little Pony" or when your dad gave you a high five after hitting the ball off of the tee? Those were the times when there was no reality just play time. Your Barbie and Ken were off getting married or in their Corvette riding off into your living room. When you told your sister it was your turn on the Nintendo.

Grown up reality is so dark. It can leave you in a depression because you know this is it. This is what truly life. It is full of heartbreaks, lost ones, bills to pay, negative words, bad people. Why can't we be who we were when we remembered when.

The truth is, you can be. Life does come with struggles, like a scabbed knee or broken bone. We have the strength to make it all better. Keep on praying, keep on moving forward and live your life so you don't have to remember when because "when" is right now.

Serendipity

Recently, life has been very interesting to me specifically in some coincidental occurrences. As you all might know, I have recently started a relationship with God. With that, a lot of prayer has come into my life. It's strange because I can honestly say, I'm not the same person I was 6 months ago. I'm completely content. There have been a series of events that I have come in contact with that have made me realize that there's a reason we might be put in places for a reason. I believe it to be God's work, I'm being told something. A couple of weeks ago, I was invited to a Women's of ALPFA event which is a National Professional organization geared towards Hispanics. I gladly accepted the invitation but I had no idea what I was in for. I was thinking it was another networking event, not that those kinds of events are bad. I believe putting yourself out in the public is a great way to make contacts. You never know when you can make a connection that might be beneficial to you or someone you know.

Anyhow, after the dinner and some preliminary speeches, the keynote speaker was helped up the stage. Her name is Janet Perez Eckles. She is a inspirational woman who lost her sight at the age of 31. Even when all odds were against her, she still succeeded in becoming an interpreter and a New York Times best selling author. Her energy was just simply amazing. There was a reason I was asked to be at that place at that time. I'm more than sure several people were touched in that room but hearing her speech made me realize that writing was truly my calling. I knew the idea has been ringing in my ears for several years but this was a push to go after something I love.

I realize sometimes it might seem uncanny that we're at a certain place at a time but I believe that there's a reason for everything. I was at another event for another professional organization called NSHMBA which is geared towards promoting those in the community to get their MBA and I am on the executive board as the Director of Marketing. Anyhow, after we had our networking icebreaker, I was stopped by a gentleman who was in my boyfriend's icebreaker's group. He went on to compliment my boyfriend as being the good man that I know he is but I digress. We continued talking. I discovered that he was recently divorced and ready to get back into the dating game. He had started to question whether online dating was worth it. I kind of laughed to myself as I had dated online for quite a few years. I went on to tell him that there was nothing to fear when using a different medium to meet people. This city has become so involved with their own personal matters, its hard to come out of one's shell to make the first move. Being online just makes it easier to meet people who are serious about finding a relationship and being able to weed out those you might be interested in.

I have found that as long as you meet people in a safe environment, there is nothing to fear except they might not be who you expected. But those kinds of occurrences can happen anywhere. If you meet someone at a club, they might not have the personality you can really connect to or if you met them through a friend, they might take to you to Chik Fil A on the first date. When you date, you're taking a chance in hopes that maybe this opportunity might lead to a relationship. After speaking to him, he thanked me. It was odd. If we had never met, he would probably never have the confidence in dating online.

I'm not sure if being in the right place at the right time is really what this is all about. I think it's about the fact that you do seriously pray for guidance, God will direct you in the path you are destined to go but you have to slow down and listen.