Secrets to Making a Breakup Be the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

When we talk about breakups, we don’t talk about how positive they can be, we focus on how horrible they are. I was in a relationship for almost nine years, and when that ended, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. So, if you’re reading this and you are pre-breakup, mid-breakup, or even post and trying to move on, start with changing your thoughts about break up. It is positive, it’s change, it’s a new beginning, and most importantly, it’s a new you. Getting your heart broken is the way to start over and make a life you will never need a vacation from and will never need to break up with. It’s so easy to say this, so I have made a list of things that helped me move on and get to that positive place. Here they are…

Cry, scream, and be all the emotions

What I mean by this is feel all the emotions. You can’t move on if you push things down and never address them. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. It’s gonna be a bumpy road, emotions will come and go, but this will be the best thing to ever happen to you and one day you will wake up, and the shadow will be gone, and you will be happy again. I know you’re asking the biggest question just like when Carrie got her heart broken by Mr. Big for the millionth time.

You know, Carrie from Sex in the City, asked “When will I laugh again?” Miranda responded “When something is really funny.”

That’s how being happy will be one day, it will just click. Until then move on to the rest of this post.

Make a list of all the things that annoyed you

Get specific about the guy and the relationship. This is a great list to have on your phone so when you feel like texting him, or you hear a song you both loved you can read the list and remember why you broke up. When the time comes, and you’re with someone new it’s an excellent way to compare the new guy with the old and make sure they are nothing alike. Who wants to make the same mistake twice? Am I right?

Make a list of all the things you love about yourself and your life

Self-worth is the most important thing anyone can change. If you don’t like you, then who will? This list can be hard in the beginning, try to be very specific and keep adding to the list and read over this list every time you’re sad or not feeling like you are enough. Everyone has good qualities and has talents, appreciate yours. One of my favorite quotes by an unknown author is

“You are YOU and that is your power.”

Embrace your power and embrace your uniqueness. Which leads me to the next point.

Change your self-talk

A world of disappoints will turn into a reality of winning. Words are important, they all have meaning and truth. How is it the nicest people often treat themselves the worst? I came to find that I was quite rude to myself. So take the negative challenge, and I replace I can’t, I won’t, I’m sorry and no; I replaced it with yes, thank you, I can and I will.  It makes a world of difference. One of my favorite movies is Alice in Wonderland, and it’s because she tries to do six impossible things before breakfast. And with a mindset like that the world is yours. Be nice to yourself and say nice things. If you need some motivation or an example of affirmations, click here. You will not be disappointed.

Start working out

Even if it’s just a walk with your dog every day or starting a new class at the gym, get out and get your body moving.  There are so many studies that state walking is good for your brain. There is a form of therapy called EMDR, and it focuses on changing your thoughts and memories while using both sides of your brain. It’s an incredible form of therapy because you are not talking your way through your problems and getting obsessed. You never tell your therapist what it’s about and you work through your thoughts and memories replaces them with less dramatic more positive feelings. I recommend it to anyone wanting to heal from any past traumas.

Try new things and meet new people

Have you always wanted to take an art class? Or learn how to dance? When you are at work what do you wish you could be doing? When getting home, DO IT! Scared to do something is the best sign that you need to do that very thing, so DO IT. When I was moving on from my past life, I chose always to say yes. My world had gotten so limited like the relationship I was in.  When you get scared to take that as a personal challenge to do it. Always say yes. You will be surprised at the things you can accomplish and the people you will meet along the way.

Go on vacation

traveling is the best thing for a broken heart. We forget that life is more than the bubble we live in. It’s a huge world and it will bring things into perspective plus you have so many memories to bury the past with which in the end will help you to move on.

Read self-help books and listen to positive podcasts

I know it’s cheesy but there is good stuff in others experience and advice. Heck, you wouldn’t be reading this post if you didn’t want to change yourself so get obsessed with being better, feeling better. Even trying to better yourself can help you feel better. So get to it, I love The Motivational High Five but find what works for you.

Re-establish friendships with friends and family.

Bad relationships lead to breakups which then have unfortunately put our loved ones as collateral damage. Re-establish those friendships and like I said before don’t be scared to make new ones.

Create goals

Are you happy with your job? No? Change it. Do you hate where you live? Yes? Move. You only have one life to live to get living it instead of surviving it. You don’t like something change it. And keep changing it till you love it.

And finally, upgrade on that relationship

This breakup will be the hardest thing ever do but the best choice you’ve ever made. there is someone out there that will make you look back at the relationship you just left and you will think how crazy you were to ever be so upset it ended. Find someone better, that fits you better, communicates better and has a similar love language as you.  We don’t look hard enough to find the people that will suit us best and possibly be our soul mates. So look because I can tell you by experience when you find them you will be happy. Life will be so easy and you will look back at your past relationships and laugh that you ever thought that was love. Don’t settle, your fairy tale does exist.

Thank you for tuning into my post on Val’s Bytes, check out more post’s at ANYTHINGGIRLY.com

Follow me on Instagram @heidimaesearle

And Facebook at Heidi Mae Searle

The best compliment to any blogger is sharing a post, so I invite you to share and thank you in advance if you do. Comment below and let me know what has helped you get over a breakup!

5 Topics Couples Don’t Discuss Until It’s Too Late

Murphy's law teaches us only one thing. Couples should discuss topics that can go south before they occur. Marriage is a fortress; its stability depends on how much attention you devote while building its base. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, that’s why you should discuss this topic on time; it might spare you of nerve-wracking situations in marriage.

Finances and money investments

Math and love don’t get along. Falling in love is something utterly irrational, and it should stay that way. No one ever said, I might spend my life with this person”, it just happens, like a bolt from the blue, without thinking you are already wearing a ring. But there should be a place for numbers in marriage. Even for little things like groceries, double companions should be equally involved. It allows marriage to be founded on confidence and trust. Long-term financial planning is of particular importance because it ensures the intentions of the spouse and strengthens a marriage. The less concern you get, the more, you will enjoy your marriage, and it will be easier to overcome other problems.

Sex life

Determine your sex life. Be clear how often would you like to have sex. I get it; everything works fine, sex is great, and you are deeply in love, you apparently think, why should I discuss something which is already perfect? In fact, if you want it to stay like that, it is important to start talking about sex life so you can prevent potential problems that might be just around the corner. The downfall of passion is waiting for you, and, sooner or later, it will happen. This is normal, but it won’t seem so if you don’t discuss it before it happens. A possible outcome is that your partner may start to doubt you, it is almost inevitable. This can be a cause for major problems in a marriage. Feel free to talk through every possible situation that crosses your mind.

Spirituality

You might end up in a relationship with a person that doesn't share your beliefs. No one expects big changes or surprises in this area after going to the registrar. Let’s say I’m a deeply religious person, but my wife is an atheist. That’s all right, I respect her views and beliefs, and she respects mine. But when children come along, you might face a situation where neither of you knows how to educate them. How do you make a compromise when things are opposed? A solution to this problem might be expressing both sides’ attitudes to the children as they grow so they can decide what is better for them. You may be lucky with a partner who is not stubborn, but imagine all this with a person who doesn’t want to make concessions. This could put marriage into question.

Career goals and aspirations

People should always think about getting married if they tend to pursue higher education and job success. We are living in modern society, and the “housewife norm” in traditional families is a thing of the past. On the other side, our reproductive organs are still same. There is no such a thing as accelerated pregnancy, and that won’t exist anytime soon, so partners should be aware of each other's plans in their professional lives. Different attitudes about having kids may be a great destruction force that can threaten a marriage, so it’s better to talk about that before it's too late, but not too early and not on a first date.

In-laws issues and influence of other people

This part should be simple, it’s your marriage, your story, and it should be without external influences, but reality is something else, other people will try to shape your marriage. Newlyweds will always have a strong bond with their parents and friends, that's normal, but there should be boundaries when it comes to your partnership. Each decision should be made by the spouses and their agreement. It is critical to envisage this before you drop the anchor. Involvement of other persons increases the chance of an unstable marriage.

Many other things are important to discuss before you lead your darling to the altar but from my experience, this are most important

10 Ways You Know You're in a Good Relationship

As you all know I am a relationship know-it-all, I can look at any couple and tell you how long they will last. If you believe this statement, then you are a fool. I am no expert, but I have had my heart broken and stepped on like the doormat. But I learn from my mistakes I can tell some definite signs that you are in a good relationship and since I'm in one, I can live to tell the tell. Here they are...

1. You are physically and mentally healthier.

   I have always struggled with my weight and my analytical mind. I have come to find that this amazing, handsome specimen calms my fears and pumps me up. I am in the best shape of my life and have a healthier, mind, body and soul.

2. No more "I can't" or "I won't."

   It hit me one day that I have to get to know myself again; I am no longer living in a bubble scared to go outside. I am in a relationship that has expanded my horizons.  In the past, I thought I was too dumb to do some of  the things that I am doing now. It's an amazing feeling to have someone that runs with you instead of holding you back. When you're with someone that speaks positively about you and to you, it helps change yourself talk to be more positive. The world unlocks itself when you take I can't, or I won't get out of your vocabulary.

3. Your goals are getting achieved.

   Firstly my goals are a lot higher or harder to reach, and I achieve them. I am with someone that is a go-getter, and he helps me with my goals, and we even have goals as a couple. We have a life that we are working towards achieving and it’s a great feeling to have someone that is growing with you.

4. Life is easier.

   I use to get so frustrated with things not working out, I've come to find that my man makes me laugh at these moments. He sees me for the imperfect person I am, and I don't feel stupid or ashamed; I feel heard and understood. Life gets a lot easier when you're laughing through the mistakes and failures as well as the good times.

5. The giving and the taking feels natural and equal.

   There might be days where I don't do as much around the house, and my man does the dishes and wipes the counters. We are are not counting who did what, we are picking up where the other left off; we are a team.

6. Less fighting more laughing.

   We hardly fight, I think we can we have fought once. I'm not saying that your relationship isn't good because you fight. We have been through some pretty stressful situations, and somehow we don't fight, it's just us. When one of us is upset or says something or does something snappy we call each other out on it and the person apologizing, and we move forward. It's not about the lack of fighting but about how you move forward when you do.

7. Honesty is the best policy.

   We always tell each other the truth, the brutal truth which sometimes means like I said in number 6 that you get called out. It might sting a little, but I would rather have a partner that helps me grow and be better than someone that keeps me stagnant just to save my feelings.

8. No secrets.

   You keep one secret from your partner and the secrets turn into the book of secrets, and soon it's what's keeping you from being honest with your partner. We made a rule always to tell the truth and say it as nicely as you can. Some things should only be between you and your partner and when you have that be sacred your relationship will follow. I will not let anyone or anything come in the way of my partner and me; he is the most important being. His secrets are my secrets, and that's what has brought us closer together.

9. Hours of talking and the honeymoon stage has ended.

   My man and I miss some important moments in our lives because we are too busy talking. We missed the Eiffel Tower lit up at night because we were chatty Kathy's in the hotel room. We are always late to meet friends because caught up in some conversation. We have been dating two years soon, and we still talk like we have just met. We talk about everything under the sun, and it's weird because we are with each other 24/7 together.  It also makes talking about hard things easier; we talk to understand not to respond.

10. Never stop choosing your partner first.

    I think this is the most important thing; your relationship will never work out if you don't put your partner first. I have had to tell myself "This person is my family and no one else matters." you start choosing your hobby or friends over the person and you might as well just wave your relationship goodbye. I'm not saying you can't see your friends, but everything comes in balance.

I hope your relationship is as good as mine and I'd love to keep adding to this list so comment below on what you think makes a good relationship.

Follow me on Facebook at Heidi Mae Searle

And Instagram @heidimaesearle

XOXO

The Ultimate Dating Basket Giveaway

March madness is among us!  Coming from a University of Florida Gator, this time reminds me of the years I was there when we won 3 championships in 2 years (2 basketball and 1 football).  In commemoration of great times, I felt it was time for a giveaway.

I've talked about them so many times in my blog and in our podcast, Love Bits and Bytes, that it's only right you should have them for yourself.  Included in the basket are two of our favorite books:

• The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
• Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey

Not only that, we want you to put your dating chops to the test.  I have also included a $25 Darden restaurant gift card plus something spicy to end your night (if everything went well).

This is a great basket for both guys and gals.  Make this a great opportunity to get something for yourself, take your significant other on a long-awaited date, and it's free.  Just enter below.

The contest will start on March 15th, 2017 and end on March 30th, 2017.  The winner will be announced on April 4th during the Love Bits and Bytes podcast.

Only one winner will be chosen.  You must be over the age of 18 and located in the continental U.S.

You can find out additional ways to enter this giveaway after submitting your email address.

Enter below for the Ultimate Basket Giveaway!

[promosimple id="b2e3"]

What to Expect When... Getting Married

First and foremost, I have a couple of announcements.  The podcast is coming back!  After a year and a half in hibernation, I knew it was time to bring it back.  But this time, there will be a new format and a cohost.  I am super excited because we recorded some of the shows today and the banter is just fantastic.  Look out for the first episode this week. The other day, the comedian and I were talking about preparation for marriage.  When you buy a car or have a baby, some people take the time to do their research before finalizing on a decision.  Why don't we do that when we decide to get married?  I lucked out in the sense that the Comedian was extremely adamant about building a foundation before making any serious moves, like getting married or having children.  You can't fix a relationship that's already broken.

There are some people out there that believe a child can put a band-aid on a serious problem or that sex is the solution to avoiding a relationship.  It's kind of like alcoholism.  The problems just don't disappear because your mind is somewhere else.  They will be there when you get back.  I had a good friend of mine was going through a divorce and decided to move across the country from Orlando to LA in hopes that a change of scenery would bring him back to his usual self.  Unfortunately, it didn't.  He went into a little bit of a depression and decided to move back.  In reality, his support system was here in Orlando.  The people around him nursed him back to himself, and he was able to date again.

I'm not saying our system is perfect, but we can both say we know the other person well.  The Comedian promises he has more romantic gestures up his sleeves and those are the kinds of surprises I like.  There is a reason the court in Florida gives you a discount on your marriage certificate when you take a course before getting hitched.  Marriage is supposed to be forever.  That's what we all say in our vows.  Take the time to read some books together or try one of those "get to know you" questionnaires they have on Pinterest.  I've done a few of those with the Comedian early in our relationship.  I'll even add a link to a few for good measure.

Many of us women have this dream of finally being loved by our prince charming.  I know it's easier said than done but take the time out to get to know your prince before he becomes your King.  He could very well be a frog.

Here are some books to read together and links to those questionnaires I promised.

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married

100 Random Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend

40 Personal Questions to Ask Your boyfriend

13 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

Why I think Jane the Virgin is amazing!

I have this new obsession.  That show on the CW called Jane the Virgin.  Maybe I felt a little nostalgic because it reminded me of all of the novelas (Spanish soap operas) I used to watch growing up, but it has reeled me in like the hungriest tuna swimming upstream.  With my new obsession, I started googling everything I could about the actors and who they were.  I happened to stumble upon this interview on YouTube that really touched me at the very core.  Gina Rodriguez, who plays Jane, starts talking about how this role came up unexpectedly.  Someone with her look and nationality would not normally go for a lead part in almost anything.  Here was her chance.  She spoke about how her father told her that she was beautiful regardless of what others think. What she said was powerful.  It means that anyone can really live their dream.  Too many times were caught up in the notion that we're not pretty enough or experienced enough or that we don't fit the mold.  But we are all beautiful.  Maybe I connect because I'm also Puerto Rican who grew up around a lot of anglos due to my dad being in the military.  I always had wild and crazy hair and I never fit into one particular crowd.  Gina from Jane the Virgin mentions that once you get past what's in your head, you are capable of so many things.  It's simply that amazing and simple.  The thing holding us all back from what we really want to accomplish is our own minds.  Once we all get past the doubt, the negative words from other people, worrying what others think, the perception of what society believes to be beautiful, and constant thoughts of remedial things, we can succeed.  Gina says, once she got past it, everything was so clear.

I do have to give major props to Gina Rodriguez from Jane the Virgin for getting a Golden Globe for best actress this past year.  I mean, this girl from Chicago who just wanted to be an actress landed a lead role in topsy, turvy show that makes my heart jump each time.  This is just as amazing as the diversity of the cast from Orange is the New Black.

When I delve deeper and deeper into the wonderful cast of Jane the Virgin, I can't help but want to watch more.  I'm just not looking forward to the season finale.  That would mean I would have to wait months to see another episode!

The Road to Self Discovery

I finally did it. I figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up. It has been a struggle in many avenues of my life during the beginning of the year, however, I found that I stepped on this road to finding out what I really wanted and how to really express myself. For those who know me, I'm not necessarily the best at expressing myself verbally but when it comes to pen and paper, I am fluent in emotion. I think the current relationship I'm in has opened my eyes in who I am as a person in a relationship. I look back in all of my experiences and I find that I really needed someone to invest in me, the person I am.I'm stubborn, I really don't know how I feel until 20 minutes later, and I stutter when I'm angry. It's a bit astonishing because I recall some past relationships where I used to fight all of time when I'm not an aggressive person. I think some people just know how to push your buttons. I tend to be a really patient person so a lot of things don't bother me. I really don't like those who are inconsiderate and always try to find the easiest way out. Maybe I can be a little hard, but my business upbringing wasn't exactly a walk in the park. I have a little birdie in my head that always says, "Don't do something if you're going to do it half ass." I tend to want to be as hard on people as I am myself and I have to remember, they are not me. So relax! I know you're sitting there wondering, "Alright already! What do you want to be when you grow up?" Fine, I'll tell you! I want to be a Corporate Trainer and do training development. I really have a passion for teaching people and I would get to integrate writing in the process... boom! Now, I know you're thinking, why don't you just be a teacher? In all honesty, I'm not a kids person. I love the ones in my life, but dealing with other kids and their potentially bad upbringing. I don't have the patience for it. I do, however, want to commend the teachers that do and love their job. Thank you for molding the future. I look forward to this journey. See you at the finish line!

In My Head

I am starting to become accustomed to this non scheduled way of posting. It seems I can only write when there's a spare moment of inspiration in my busy life. Sigh. But I created my life this way, so I keep on truckin'. I have these sudden bouts of crazy emotion the same time every month. I honestly don't know what to do with them. I get upset pretty quickly and I'm just better left alone. I never understood why people have the urge to want to fix what is wrong but in all reality, nothing is really wrong. I just have a heightened sense of self and I didn't realize how I reacted until it was too late. I believe in the "Power of Now", Eckhart Tolle speaks about women not being themselves during this time. I have had such difficulty honing on how to be present and find peace when my reactions tend to be a little erratic. Most of the time, I find myself talking my way out of it in my head. I guess that's what it means when you're "in your head". I get lost in there sometimes. I believe its true with those who have a creative mind. They get lost in their ideas, dreams, and visions, they forget there's a reality to live. I think that's why I've never been good at taking pictures. I'm in my head, in that moment,and I forget that I should remember it by taking a snapshot.  There are so many memories from college I wish I had a picture of but I never stopped to take a picture.  Luckily, the Comedian is a picture person, so problem solved!

My point out of all of this is to remind yourself to stop and see the moment for what it is.  Get out of your head and slow down.  I'm partially saying this to myself as a reminder.  Then again, blogging has always been a good way to remind myself that this is the mindset I have and how I want to grow.

I'm Rubber, You're Glue

It's late tonight and I am just in a moment of randomness. I really should be reading an article for class. Yes, I'm back in school pursuing my MBA. I don't know where it will lead me but the future looks promising. Anyhow, I realize I am more and more a student of human behavior as time goes and the more I learn. I find it interesting how egos can get scarred by someone else so easily. I am a victim of the same. I think it can more damaging when it someone you hold in high regard as the one doing the slashing of the soul. The problem is remembering that "I'm rubber, you're glue". Kids got it down pat with that rhyme. What changed? I think puberty made us emotional fools. We should remember the present is the most important time of your life. Not the past or the future but the now. Every moment now is the best moment.

I have been an advocate for living life happily. Granted, bad things will happen but those things are meant to learn from. I love my friends and family. And I know they love me for my love for life, laughter, corny jokes, and random facts I feel for whatever reason everyone should know. But that's me. I have learned that the less you care about what people think about you, the more you can be yourself, and people will love you for just that. You being you.

Our Ego makes us Judge

"Judge not, that ye be not judged.  For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again." - Matthew 7:1-2 (KJV)

Society and the bible teaches us two different things.  All over social media someone is judging what someone is wearing, what they are doing, how they are doing, what their children look like, how many posts they put up a day and so on.  Reality TV has made a killing because viewers love a drama.  They want to live vicariously through people in situations they probably could not dream of being a part of whether it would be a love story or two girls having it out because their weave was pulled.  I mean there's a show on judging what someone was wearing on the red carpet.

I think sometimes we're so accustomed to judging and talking about other people that we lose sight of how we should really treat others.  I tell myself not to scrutinize someone because it is not right but there might be a little voice in my head that is saying otherwise.  God says not to judge because he created us in his image.  He will make the final decision on judgement day.  Whether you are Christian or not, the same holds true through most religions.  To be an honest person who embraces themselves and loves others.    I am told that I am to love everyone even if I don't agree with their decisions.

I guess this comes as difficult for me because all I've ever wanted to do is help people but in the long run I ended up just trying to make them more like myself.  My happiness is my own.  I have the yearn to teach other people but it has taken me a long time to recognize to give help when someone seeks it.  Someone once asked me,

"Why do you feel the need to teach them how to be grammatically more correct?  Is it for them or is it for you?"

I think in the end we're boosting our ego.  It's never for them.  It's to make us feel like we've done something to help even though they didn't ask for it.  I have sincerely been struggling with not trying to control others in what they do.  All control does is boost the ego.  I know I've spoken about ego in previous posts, its a false sense of making us feel better about ourselves.  Living on my own for such a long time, I realize that I might have become set in my ways and I have to search to find a way to stop the control.  Let life happen.

It's interesting because I've spoken to some of my guy friends who are planning weddings and they feel frazzled.  I think wedding planning has to be one of the most hectic things one might do because you want to control the outcome.  In reality, you can't.  You can do the best you can and know the day will be amazing regardless of the bumps in the road.  Once you let go, I know you will feel peace.  Work hard at it and things will find a way of working out the way God intended.

Positivity is your Destiny

This morning provided a new sense of motivation for myself. During my vacation from work, I decided to take the opportunity to really work on writing but where would this motivation come from? The Comedian sent me a text to listen to yesterday's message from Joel Osteen and everything was ignited. He touched on something I brought up yesterday. You are in charge of your destiny. If you decide to be negative, then negativity will follow you. If you decide to be positive then great things will happen. While watching a video the Comedian sent me, I saw this quote,

"I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it" - Thomas Jefferson

I've heard several stories through the years which drive me to work towards more dreams more diligently. For example, the author of Chicken Soup for the Soul, Jack Canfield, was searching for an idea that would take him out of his financial slum. He wrote himself a check for $100,000 and envisioned actually receiving the check. One day, he came up with the idea to sell articles for $1.00 each. Next thing you know, he sold 100,000 and made his goal. Jim Carrey wrote himself a check for $10 million when he was just starting his career in LA. Only a little time later, we was signed on to do Dumb and Dumber which paid him exactly that.

You're probably sitting there saying, that won't happen to me. What makes me so special. That's exactly it. You are bringing yourself down with your own self doubt. When you envision actually having the things you want, they will start to happen. God works in mysterious ways. When you take the time to listen to the positivity around you and stop clouding yourself with doubt, you will find that things will start happening in your favor.

All of my life people told me there was something special about me. I have yet to really discover what that is but I will not lose hope. I know that I am meant for something amazing. You know what, so are you! There is a quote I came up about a year or two ago,

"I refuse to believe misery is my destiny"

Don't let misery control you. You are the only one in charge of your destiny.

You're in charge of your love life

A comment was made to me recently which stirred up some emotions I hadn't encountered in a while.  I won't mention the comment because I don't want to incriminate anyone.  It made me look back on my adventures of dating.  I had mentioned to several people in my life that I'm happy that I am 30 and found someone who is very special to me.  I think if I were to settle down with the first person I was in love with, I would be unhappy at this point. If you have followed my blogs, you know that I have encountered many different kinds of men who have taught me a thing or two about what I ultimately want in the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.  Call me naiive if you must but I sincerely feel that being single as long as I had been prepared me to truly appreciate the Comedian. Sometimes I feel it was serendipitous how it all happened.  There were a few men who I gave chances more than once because I didn't want to be the superficial person that I had been in my early 20s.  Those experiences flopped.  But when I did give up and decided to focus on something else, he literally came out of nowhere.  I think God was just preparing me for the Comedian.

I don't believe there is a perfect person but there is a perfect person for me.  That's all that matters in the end.  That comment made just made me realize that I do know what I have and I am very lucky.  My point is to know yourself.  Know yourself, your wants, and your needs.  Only you are in charge of your own destiny.  Funny, I saw a movie recently which said,

"Every woman has the exact love life she wants" - The Wedding Date

There is a reason you date a certain guy. My advice is to search deep down within yourself and figure out what that reason is. In the long run, you will be a happier person. Only you are in charge of your destiny.

Is Rejection Worth the Risk

I realized I haven't posted in a while but I promise to add new content to my page on a more regular basis this coming year.  I will be starting my MBA in January but it doesn't matter.  Challenge Accepted! For whatever reason, I find it extremely intriguing when the Comedian gives dating advice to younger cousins.  It's not because his advice isn't valid or makes sense but all of it makes complete sense.  It gives me  insight into the mind of a man.  Because we met online, he never really used pick up lines or had to hit on me at the bar.  I have my own theories over several years of dating and being single.  I know to smile when I want someone to come over.  I know to laugh at his jokes even if they aren't funny.  I have to give it to men sometimes, because of social stigma, we expect them to take charge of the situation and risk getting rejected.  Women, over the years, have taken more of an initiative.  Call me "old fashioned" but I always felt out of place or too masculine if I took control and approached a guy.  In all honesty, I can say about 75% of the time I was rejected but if I was approached, more than 90% of the time there was some success in the conversation.

This, by all means, should not deter anyone from trying to approach someone their interested in.  I think everyone has to find what works for them.  I have learned to make the conversation about the other person not about me.  You learn much more about what might work or not work with that person the more you know about them.  Then again, that's what works for me.  I said something other  day,

"Dating is like math, there are different ways to get to the answer but all that matters is you have the correct answer in the end."

Regardless if you're a guy or a girl, there is a risk of rejection.  Don't lose faith.  There are sincerely "plenty of fish" in the sea.  That person was just not right for you.  My best girlfriend told me once,

"If he doesn't get your jokes, he's not for you."

What she said held a lot of truth.  My jokes can be very dry or very corny.  But that's just who I am.  I have a unique sense of humor and I needed to find someone who just got me.  Thankfully, the Comedian gets my jokes.  Whether they are funny or not.  Usually, they are just really corny so I laugh at myself anyway, ha!

My point is, if you never took the chance, you will never know the outcome.  Take the risk and you can say, at least I tried.  What's the worst that could happen?  She could say, "no".  Then go about your day like any other.  There will be another girl and another chance.

The Fall Air

Something about fall always brings back all kinds of memories. The smell of the air changes, even in Florida. There is something reminiscent of the holidays. I can't necessarily put my finger on it but normally I change, my emotions change. When I went away for college, I struggled with being separated from all that I knew. I put up a big wall saying that I could handle it because I'm a military brat, however, I really didn't understand that I needed the norm of my family life to bring me back to the ground. There were a lot of changes going on during that time of my life. My mom remarried, my sister moved away with her boyfriend at the time, and I didn't have the relationship I wanted with my father. I was struggling to find myself in a new world. For whatever reason I fell into a depression. After becoming suicidal, I went to counseling. He then diagnosed me with seasonal depression meaning that only during a certain time of the year, I became depressed. This was only the first occurrence.

Year after year, I would suffer a darkness during the fall. I wanted to be part of a family, I wanted a sense of normalcy, in my eyes. I tell you, there is nothing like wishing you had somewhere to celebrate where you felt accepted. I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with my family. I was so lost and incomplete. Instead of smelling the fall air, I would want to sleep until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. It was safer in my dark room.

Through the years, I became better at dealing with this darkness during the fall. It even skipped a few years until last year. It came back. The feeling of being alone. I couldn't look at anyone without breaking down and wanting to cry. There was no one there to save me until I saw The Secret. There was so much hope in that message. Hope that I didn't need a family to make me happy, I was already part of one. I was alienating myself because it was all about me. I finally opened my eyes and saw that what you bring to yourself is what you have. I am wealthy through my friends and family. Also, I learned you are NEVER alone. God has always and will always be there. He will be your family, your friend and most of you, your father.

There is no point in living in this world in a negative light. Everyone has their own personal drama to deal with. Everyone has a story. As I always say, what makes you who you are is not what you've been through but how you deal with it.

The Urge to Write

It's been a couple of weeks since I last wrote in my infamous blog.  I've had a bit of writer's block, as they say.  Since moving in with the Comedian, I've been coincidentally crazy at work, then I go home and it seems there is something to do or someone to see.  I tell you, it's been non stop.  I yearn for the days when I turn to the Comedian, he looks at me and asks, "So what do you want to do today?"  Lately, it's been, "Babe, what do we have scheduled for the weekend?" I have calmed down immensely from my crazy college days.  I think it was a progression.  When I found my group of friends from Orlando, they were just as crazy as I was.  It was a match made in party heaven, however, they are settling down a little bit as well.  There are babies and pregnancies popping up all over the place.  My co workers consistently tell me, I'm next.  I look at them and say, "Not yet, I haven't been drinking the water."

Lately, I've immersed myself in listening to podcasts like crazy.  Honestly, the Comedian got me into them.  It started off listening to his favorite comedian, Bill Burr, and it grew to bloggers like Pat Flynn and my new favorite, Entrepreneurs on Fire.  It has my mind going a mile a minute on what plans I might for my future.  Don't get me wrong, I love to write, I just want that to be what propels me to what I am destined to do.

I know deep down inside, this is only the beginning.  I know in a few years, this blog will have a new meaning and great following.

Thank you all for reading!

The Next Step

It has been 10 blissful months with the love of my life, the Comedian.  I might get a little sappy in this post but I promise I have a point.  We are taking that next big step, moving in together.  On Sunday, we picked up the keys to our apartment where the lease has both of our names.  I believe any step taken with another person does require thought and consideration, however, sometimes you just know it's right. On Saturday night, we were at his cousin's house for a birthday party.  The Comedian mentioned to me that he was talking to his cousin regarding our new move.  He said, "This is a big step, are you ready?"  The Comedian didn't hesitate (in my head this is how the story went), he said,"When you know it's the right person, it isn't so big.  It's just the way its supposed to be."  Granted, I did do cartwheels in the back of my head when I heard this response but it was very true.  Sometimes we put emphasis on things that might seem like they are supposed to be complicated but what I've learned through this relationship that every move we've made, has just been the right one.  We live in a world of reality TV and dramas, so we expect our lives to be one but it doesn't have to be.

I remember having a conversation with a friend before dating The Comedian and he said, "When you know, you know".  It is so true.  Something about feeling at ease when you're with someone is the most peaceful feeling that I have experienced thus far.  In my past relationships, I would worry, do I need to babysit him?  Do I need to hold his hand around my friends?  Do I need to take care of everything?  The Comedian has shown me what its like to be treated the way a woman is supposed to be treated.

Don't ever settle for making excuses for your significant other.  I have been guilty of that as well.  They are supposed to be your partner.  In my case, my partner in peace ;-).

Knowing Me First

"To love others you must first love yourself" - Leo Buscaglia

Since the chain of events that changed my life in my early twenties, I found it a mission to really mold myself into the person that I wanted to become.  In order to that, you have to be conscious of your own nuances.  Why do I get angry when this happens?  Why do I cry when that happens?  These questions consistently rattled my mind of years.  Maybe enlightenment was the path I was supposed to take, who knows?  All I know was is that I wanted to understand me.

My biggest struggle was handling emotions.  I absolutely despise confrontation.  I've always been a better communicator through writing.  I don't know if I was conditioned by AOL chat rooms but that's what happened.  In relationships, I found myself going to a third person to vent my frustrations instead of talking to my boyfriend at the time.  All that ended up doing was creating a pathway for my roommate to get close to my boyfriend then start seeing him after we broke up :-/  Then I realized, when you start making excuses for the other person, that is when you should start questioning the happiness in your relationship.  You should never want to change the person you're with but you should be with someone that does make you a better version of yourself, not bring you down.

When I get upset, I tend to start shaking, then I have this uncontrollable urge to cry.  Ha!  I must sound like a mess...lol.  I had to learn to hone in my emotions so that I would understand how to react whenever I do get angry.  I promise, I am much better than I used to be.  It does take a lot to get me to the point where I am angry or upset.  The idea is to handle it when I get there, not bottle it up and put it to the side.

I can't stress enough that I'm not perfect, no one is.  But I do work on myself every single day.  Some days are good, some days are great and others are just plain awful.  We are in charge of everything we put in front of us.  Think about what got you here because if you want to get out, you're the only one who can save YOU.

My Own Happiness

"The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am a quote lover.  It is not uncommon that in conversation I might refer to a quote or two to prove my point when it comes to finding inner peace and happiness. The one I just mentioned by Ralph Waldo Emerson resonates with me because years ago I decided who I wanted to be.  Recently, at a book club meeting, we got into a heated conversation about finding happiness mostly due to our book selection "The Happiness Project" by Gretchin Rubin.  We were talking about how people fall into ruts when they go through traumatic situations.  I've always said,

"It's not what you've been through that makes you who you are it's how you handle it".

I am a firm believer that only you can change yourself.  For things to be different around you, the mindset you think with has to change as well.  I think that's the genius of positive thinking.  Your brain is such a powerful thing.  It change your mood within a second.  As humans, we want to blame other things for our well-being.  At the end of the day, it always comes down to us.  Entrepreneurs are successful because they already believe they are where they want to be.  People who are blessed surround themselves with those who love them which create a positive environment.  They are grateful for what they have, thus making them happier.

It might be strange to think that it is all true but I encourage you to try it.  If a negative thought comes into your head, brush it away and replace it with something positive.  Just try it for a day.  I would love to know how it turns out.

Anxiously Waiting

This past weekend I was presented with a new thought. Growing up, I was told to be on time. Worse, I was told I had to be 5 minutes early because being on time was considered late. You can thank my military upbringing. I have always made an effort to let people know I was on my way, running late or I couldn't make it. Something in my conscience told me that was the right thing to do. After doing some thinking after a conversation, I started to wonder where the anxiety came from. Why did I feel the necessity to tell someone so much information without them asking for it? I felt it was polite or the right thing to do but was it even something they cared to know. I'm not honestly sure, I did it because I felt it was a courtesy. But this goes deeper than all of that. After reading The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, I realize that we do things and hope the same in return.

I've learned over time that you should not expect people to be like you. Trust me, it wasn't easy considering I can be a grammar nazi sometimes and I want to correct anyone any chance I get. But that, in turn, it's unnecessary. People respect you more when they ask you for help and you provide it. I learned to just be patient and be there when someone needs help with something that I know.

Recently, I realized that I struggled with just that, the know it all attitude. I have been so proud of being on time, I didn't realize that I was imposing the behavior on someone who wasn't accustomed to my punctuality. I started to dig deeper into why I got nervous when they didn't arrive in the time expected and an old friend reared their ugly head.

I know I've mentioned in previous blogs before but I have experienced serious bouts with abandonment. It all boils down to being left alone, then, feeling uncomfortable because I was expecting that person to come to my call and take the aloneness away. This realization surprised me. I felt that I have come a long way from where I was last year but for whatever reason, I'm still battling an old demon.

As I continue to discover nuances about myself, I have to remember all of the learning I did late last year and early this year. Stay in the moment, enjoy those you are with and time is of the essence. Be positive. Never let old demons beat you because they are not who you are. You are now, the present not what's on your mind.

Kill 'em with Kindness

What an interesting morning!  On my way to work, I was about to take a right turn on a major street.  While looking left, I guess I let my foot off the brake a little bit and rolled right into the car in front of me.  Insta-accident!  It actually wasn't that bad.  She had a couple of scuffs on her bumper but I got out the car and asked her to pull into the business next to us so we were out of traffic. I think initially she was very upset.  She told me she was going to report the accident so that she doesn't have to pay for the damage.  I did the wrong thing and thought to myself , what a B***CH.  What I didn't realize, the actions I was about to take would change the scenario immensely.

The accident was completely my fault.  I wasn't paying attention.  I offered to give her a copy of my insurance since I can just print out another copy and the information is on my insurance app (yes, there is an app for that).  She explained herself and said, "I'm so sorry, I don't want to be a pain but my car is leased and I just don't want to pay for it in the long run.  If your insurance covers it, that's all I want to be done."  I realized, this lady is just struggling like the rest of us and I had no right to judge the content of her character.

So, I called my insurance company and filed a claim.  After all was said and done, she asked me to talk to her insurance company not realizing that I've already spoken to mine.  I was more than happy to help.  She explained that there was no reason to get the police involved if everything was taken care of without them.  What a relief!  Then she thanked me for being so nice and helpful.

Just to think, being super kind and understanding can help diffuse a situation.  Accident's happen.  Finding the solution to the problem is really what needs to be done.  I believe some dwell on what happened, get angry about it and leave the resolution until the end.  You can't help the past, only the present.