6 Points on Love in the Beginning...

I've been doing some reading today and it sparked some thoughts in regards to my life and relationships.  I have had ups and downs but all that had made me realize is that life is precious.  There are some points I wanted to address when it comes to starting a new relationship.  I found throughout my blogs, there were common themes.  Below, I discuss what I’ve learned prior to my relationship and during.  There is more to come as I learn about myself… 1.  Love will come when you least expect it

I can honestly say that this is very true.  When I look back on my relationships, all of them came in a time where I wasn’t looking for a relationship.  The times I did try to pursue someone, it always ended where I started questioning myself.  More than often enough, those were times where that person wasn’t as in to me as I was into them.  Currently, I couldn’t be happier and trust me, the person I am with is the last person on earth I expected to contact me.  However, I am so grateful that he did.  Sometimes we leave marks on people’s hearts and lives.  Those who realize those marks are the ones who treasure them more than anyone.

2.  Be Patient

One thing I learned prior to my current relationship was to be patient.  I had been struggling with abandonment issues for a fairly long time.  Granted, almost any girl freaks out when the guy she likes doesn’t respond right away, even if he’s just taking a nap.  It’s the unknown that is the scary part.  Some ladies hide it better than others.  I learned to internalize a lot of my neurosis, then analyze them after the fact.  Regardless, men can sense when you are really insecure. Figuring out your reasons for reacting the way you do is very important your own personal growth.

3.  Stay busy

One thing that helps with the impatience I was trying to internalize was staying busy.  I am blessed with amazing friends.  Also, I found a hobby in writing.  There is nothing better to do with your time than build relationships that will last a long time.  I find it true that in the beginning of the relationship, you have to keep your ground and still remain the same or similar to the person you truly are.  Many of us become sucked into the other person and want to spend every waking moment with them.  In time, you will get comfortable with your significant other, then have to find yourself again.  By maintaining your hobbies and relationships, you are more likely to still be you.

There will be a time where you start getting into the groove of your relationship.  When this starts to occur (my current state), you will find that it will be super easy to integrate your loved one into your life as well as you into his.  It is really about communication and wanting to work in a partnership.

4.  Men are simple

I have mentioned this point in blogs before.  Men are simple.  When they like you, they like you.  When they don’t or they want you for another purpose, they start acting strange and do things that freak you out.  Honesty and trust are priority in a relationship.  If you can’t trust the person you’re with, then what’s the point?  One of you ends up going crazy because they are always questioning the other person.  I personally don’t believe in invading someone else’s privacy by going through their phone, tablet, or computer.  If they have something to hide, they’ll hide it.

On that note, I cannot stress the importance of a woman’s intuition.  You know deep down inside when something is wrong.  Don’t deny it, cover it with excuses, or anything.  Confront it.  There is a difference between insecurity and intuition.  One is emotionally driven and the other is instinct.

5.  Do not try to change the man; if you’re making excuses for him then maybe he’s not right for you.

I’ve been in relationships where I am engulfed in the person I think the other should be but at the end of the day, they aren’t.  If you’re looking for a long term relationship, this is someone you intend on being with until your last days.  Change can only come from within.  Only you can control your own actions and who you are as a person.  I have a few guy friends who continue to date the same kinds of girls and yet, they keep getting burned.  This goes both ways.  Excuse my language but you can’t be Captain Save a Hoe.  Someone who doesn’t have their stuff together won’t magically get it together because you’re in their lives.  It is important that you realize you are with someone who makes you a better version of you, not bring you down.

There are obviously exceptions to the rule, you know urban myths where someone’s friend of a friend changed their husband and now they live happily ever after.  Remember, those are exceptions, not the rule.  I would recommend watching the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, it holds a lot of truth.  It’s one of my favorites when it comes to debunking dating myths.

6.  Your partner should be your best friend

Last, but not least, your significant other should be someone you can be yourself with.  They should be the one you trust with your deepest darkest secrets.  They should be someone you grow with.  There are some things you won’t share, like the latest on your favorite reality show or the intimate details of your best friend’s labor story.  It is one thing I have learned in my current relationship.  There are just some things he doesn’t care for, like how I might cut my finger nails from left to right or that I always forget passwords.  I have the tendency to over explain myself.  All in all, The Comedian always makes me laugh in even the most strenuous of circumstances but yet he is there when I need a shoulder to cry on.

I can honestly say, I am truly happy with my current circumstance.  My point here is not to tell you what to do but my advice when it comes to entering a relationship from my own personal experience.  All relationships are different but remember you are the only one in charge of your own happiness.  If you’re not happy with yourself, you can’t be happy with anyone else.

Anxiously Waiting

This past weekend I was presented with a new thought. Growing up, I was told to be on time. Worse, I was told I had to be 5 minutes early because being on time was considered late. You can thank my military upbringing. I have always made an effort to let people know I was on my way, running late or I couldn't make it. Something in my conscience told me that was the right thing to do. After doing some thinking after a conversation, I started to wonder where the anxiety came from. Why did I feel the necessity to tell someone so much information without them asking for it? I felt it was polite or the right thing to do but was it even something they cared to know. I'm not honestly sure, I did it because I felt it was a courtesy. But this goes deeper than all of that. After reading The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, I realize that we do things and hope the same in return.

I've learned over time that you should not expect people to be like you. Trust me, it wasn't easy considering I can be a grammar nazi sometimes and I want to correct anyone any chance I get. But that, in turn, it's unnecessary. People respect you more when they ask you for help and you provide it. I learned to just be patient and be there when someone needs help with something that I know.

Recently, I realized that I struggled with just that, the know it all attitude. I have been so proud of being on time, I didn't realize that I was imposing the behavior on someone who wasn't accustomed to my punctuality. I started to dig deeper into why I got nervous when they didn't arrive in the time expected and an old friend reared their ugly head.

I know I've mentioned in previous blogs before but I have experienced serious bouts with abandonment. It all boils down to being left alone, then, feeling uncomfortable because I was expecting that person to come to my call and take the aloneness away. This realization surprised me. I felt that I have come a long way from where I was last year but for whatever reason, I'm still battling an old demon.

As I continue to discover nuances about myself, I have to remember all of the learning I did late last year and early this year. Stay in the moment, enjoy those you are with and time is of the essence. Be positive. Never let old demons beat you because they are not who you are. You are now, the present not what's on your mind.

Daddy's Little Girl, I think...

One of the biggest thing I've struggled with through my 20's were abandonment issues.  I was talking to a friend of mine about my relationship with my father and what had transpired in the last 3 years.  My father and I never really had a close relationship growing up.  As previously discussed in other posts, he was in the Army pretty much all of my life.  From what I remember, he was normally working and traveling.  When I was about 11 years old, he traveled to Panama on business and really never moved back home.  My parents ended up divorcing right before I turned 14.  After that, he came around every so often to check in or send me money for school. At that time, I really became lost.  Even though he wasn't around, I felt the need to impress him.  I did really good in school to get his approval and when he left, it became pointless.  I did well in High School but as soon as I got to college, things just didn't work out the way I was accustomed to.  It might have been other factors, however, not having my Daddy around didn't help either.

When you might think of a girl having daddy issues, one of two things might come to mind.  She might be overly promiscuous and afraid of commitment or she might find relationship after relationship to fill that void of not having a father around.  I won't say where I stand but I can say I was afraid of commitment for a very long time.  It seemed as if I had sabotaged myself on several occasions where I might had been with a really good guy but I was just afraid he was going to leave me like my father did.  There was a point in my late 20's where I felt that I was never going to get married.  It became just a norm for me.  I was by myself, no one was close enough to hurt and leave me and I was content.

I did meet someone in my life who found it a hobby to figure me out.  In the long run, I think she really helped me learn to get close to someone.  I did have great friends in college who helped me through tough times but I think at this point I could really recognize my thoughts and why I felt the way I felt.  She would point out little nuances in things I would say and it kind of made me realize how close of a friend she really became.

About 3 years ago, for whatever reason, my father did come back into the picture full time.  I mean, an email almost every day and a phone call practically once a week.  After all of this time, I had to make some adjustments.  It was crazy because my abandonment issues started to become less and less apparent.  However, there would be moments after that which would make me relapse but the point is my father coming back into the picture did alleviate some of that pressure I was putting on myself.

It wasn't until February of this year, I really started to overcome those issues because I started going to church.  I felt the conviction of God weighing heavy on my heart and I had to forgive him for not being there all that time.  Trust me, I am so grateful he is back in my life.  I never realized until we've gotten close that I get a lot of my personality traits from him like sarcasm and the want to be a social butterfly.  He tells me stories about how I was his little baby and touches my heart.  To know he has always loved me the whole time.  These memories can never be taken away.

At the end of the day, that's all that matters.  Not the past, not the future but what is going on now.  Right now, my Daddy has become a great part of my life.  Forgiving him and all of the others that might have hurt me was the best thing I could have ever done.  For things to change, all you have to do is pray.  God has a plan and I know it's a great one.