The Fall Air

Something about fall always brings back all kinds of memories. The smell of the air changes, even in Florida. There is something reminiscent of the holidays. I can't necessarily put my finger on it but normally I change, my emotions change. When I went away for college, I struggled with being separated from all that I knew. I put up a big wall saying that I could handle it because I'm a military brat, however, I really didn't understand that I needed the norm of my family life to bring me back to the ground. There were a lot of changes going on during that time of my life. My mom remarried, my sister moved away with her boyfriend at the time, and I didn't have the relationship I wanted with my father. I was struggling to find myself in a new world. For whatever reason I fell into a depression. After becoming suicidal, I went to counseling. He then diagnosed me with seasonal depression meaning that only during a certain time of the year, I became depressed. This was only the first occurrence.

Year after year, I would suffer a darkness during the fall. I wanted to be part of a family, I wanted a sense of normalcy, in my eyes. I tell you, there is nothing like wishing you had somewhere to celebrate where you felt accepted. I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with my family. I was so lost and incomplete. Instead of smelling the fall air, I would want to sleep until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. It was safer in my dark room.

Through the years, I became better at dealing with this darkness during the fall. It even skipped a few years until last year. It came back. The feeling of being alone. I couldn't look at anyone without breaking down and wanting to cry. There was no one there to save me until I saw The Secret. There was so much hope in that message. Hope that I didn't need a family to make me happy, I was already part of one. I was alienating myself because it was all about me. I finally opened my eyes and saw that what you bring to yourself is what you have. I am wealthy through my friends and family. Also, I learned you are NEVER alone. God has always and will always be there. He will be your family, your friend and most of you, your father.

There is no point in living in this world in a negative light. Everyone has their own personal drama to deal with. Everyone has a story. As I always say, what makes you who you are is not what you've been through but how you deal with it.

Daddy's Little Girl, I think...

One of the biggest thing I've struggled with through my 20's were abandonment issues.  I was talking to a friend of mine about my relationship with my father and what had transpired in the last 3 years.  My father and I never really had a close relationship growing up.  As previously discussed in other posts, he was in the Army pretty much all of my life.  From what I remember, he was normally working and traveling.  When I was about 11 years old, he traveled to Panama on business and really never moved back home.  My parents ended up divorcing right before I turned 14.  After that, he came around every so often to check in or send me money for school. At that time, I really became lost.  Even though he wasn't around, I felt the need to impress him.  I did really good in school to get his approval and when he left, it became pointless.  I did well in High School but as soon as I got to college, things just didn't work out the way I was accustomed to.  It might have been other factors, however, not having my Daddy around didn't help either.

When you might think of a girl having daddy issues, one of two things might come to mind.  She might be overly promiscuous and afraid of commitment or she might find relationship after relationship to fill that void of not having a father around.  I won't say where I stand but I can say I was afraid of commitment for a very long time.  It seemed as if I had sabotaged myself on several occasions where I might had been with a really good guy but I was just afraid he was going to leave me like my father did.  There was a point in my late 20's where I felt that I was never going to get married.  It became just a norm for me.  I was by myself, no one was close enough to hurt and leave me and I was content.

I did meet someone in my life who found it a hobby to figure me out.  In the long run, I think she really helped me learn to get close to someone.  I did have great friends in college who helped me through tough times but I think at this point I could really recognize my thoughts and why I felt the way I felt.  She would point out little nuances in things I would say and it kind of made me realize how close of a friend she really became.

About 3 years ago, for whatever reason, my father did come back into the picture full time.  I mean, an email almost every day and a phone call practically once a week.  After all of this time, I had to make some adjustments.  It was crazy because my abandonment issues started to become less and less apparent.  However, there would be moments after that which would make me relapse but the point is my father coming back into the picture did alleviate some of that pressure I was putting on myself.

It wasn't until February of this year, I really started to overcome those issues because I started going to church.  I felt the conviction of God weighing heavy on my heart and I had to forgive him for not being there all that time.  Trust me, I am so grateful he is back in my life.  I never realized until we've gotten close that I get a lot of my personality traits from him like sarcasm and the want to be a social butterfly.  He tells me stories about how I was his little baby and touches my heart.  To know he has always loved me the whole time.  These memories can never be taken away.

At the end of the day, that's all that matters.  Not the past, not the future but what is going on now.  Right now, my Daddy has become a great part of my life.  Forgiving him and all of the others that might have hurt me was the best thing I could have ever done.  For things to change, all you have to do is pray.  God has a plan and I know it's a great one. 

Where did all of this positive thinking come from...

I believe, one has to realize they need to make a change. I have always been a positive thinker but maybe up until 8 or 9 months ago, I wasn't content. I made myself think that my life was great and some aspects of it was. I had great friends and a great support system. I also had a social calendar that kept me busy for the most part but something had been missing. I had dealt with bouts of depression since I was in college. I always refused to take medication because I knew I could get through it. I did, however, whenever there was a trigger, I hit rock bottom. I remember days where I couldn't get out of bed and wanting to remain in the dark as well as all of the other things that came with it.

I really don't remember the exact order of events that changed me in the first month of the transition but I had been dating someone then I was rejected. We weren't in a relationship since it was fairly new but it was the rejection part that tore me into pieces. My depression was encircled by abandonment. When I felt abandoned, I just broke down. It was such a small trigger but I think it had been building up to that point.

After not being able to breathe and crying every moment I thought about the rejection, I told myself, I never want to feel this way again. I went to a meeting and I saw the movie, "The Secret". That then changed my life forever. I was on a new path. I realized that any negative thoughts would get me to that point again and I would live striving to be a positive thinker. One thing the movie based on the book with the same name showed me was to make a visual board. The things I would like to have in my life. I wrote on some index cards and put them next to my bed of things that I want out of life. One happened to be one that came to fruition shortly after. I asked to be a long term prosperous relationship. Not only 1 or 2 days later, I heard from someone that had made a huge impact on me when we were dating 2 years before. The interesting thing about him coming back into my life is that he also read The Secret and some other positive thinking books such as the Power of Now. Our conversations consisted of this positive thinking journey which I cherish to this day because those conversations continue. He is my boyfriend of 6 months and I am hopelessly in love.

A few months later, I started going to church with him. I realized the bible taught the same ideals. Negative thoughts are the devil messing with your head. He wants to bring you down. The bible teaches us to be positive, thankful and wishful thinkers. I continue to embrace these ideals and really be a positive and true friend to those around me whether we're close or not. You never know the impact you will leave on their lives by not being negative. In the words of Janet Perez Eckles, I would love to my purpose in life to be an inspiration to others to be positive as well. I know for a fact that on this path, I will not have to deal with depression again.