Val talks about what micro cheating is and how to overcome this close sister of emotional cheating.
Before Finding Love, You Have to do the Work
Okay. I am going to give you a stern talking to. Are you ready? Good. Since I have announced that I am a certified matchmaker, I have been approached several times. It's been great! However, as soon as I ask people to fill out a questionnaire that will take them 15 minutes, they look at me like I have six eyes.
What I come to understand is that people want things handed to them for free or no work at all. It's absolutely insane. Yes, you can find love without filling out a crazy long questionnaire or asking me for help. That's fine. I won't be mad at you.
It's not just the questionnaire
Before getting into a relationship with the Comedian, I had personal hurdles I had to overcome like abandonment issues and sexual assault from my past. Everyone has baggage especially when you start dating in your late 20s, 30s, or even 40s. It's inevitable.
You had previous relationships, kids, issues with family members, and events in your life that have emotionally scarred you. I always say,
"It's not what you have been through, it's how you handle it that makes you who you are."
Those things from my past do not belong in a relationship. What did I do? I went to counseling, I read some self-help books like the Secret, and the Power of Now and I started looking at life differently. I wanted to be more balanced.
The Self-Awareness Era
We have so much information at our fingertips. More than likely, if you continue to have failing relationships, the common denominator is you. Not the other person you dated. I mean maybe there are some inklings that they weren't the right person for you. The definition of insanity is,
"Doing the same things over and over and expecting different results."
Take ownership of your life and look at your past experiences. Do you have a "Captain Save a Hoe" complex (meaning you always want to "save" your significant other)? Do you always choose people who are verbally abusive because your parents were verbally abusive to you?
We don't realize that sometimes we choose our partners unconsciously. I will tell you that I have a HUGE military guy complex. I consistently dated men in the military because my dad was in the Army. It was like they flocked to me like some sort of butterfly. These men were a reflection of my father; it is what I knew. Even CNN recognized that its common for you to end up with someone like your parents.
What am I saying? Do the work. Find out what makes you tick and take a look at what happened to you in the past. Read some self-help books that teach you who you are, take a personality test like the one found on 16personalities, find out your love language, and learn more about your zodiac sign. These tests are actually really cool because they are uncanny and really spot on.
Understanding and loving yourself first will help you be a better partner to anyone who crosses your path. I can only help you so much to get you to a better you. I like to tell people that I can lead a horse to water but I can't force it to drink. This means that I can give you all of the tools in the world to find love, but if you don't take my advice or guidance, then I can't promise that you will get what you want.
There's a reason eHarmony has a long questionnaire
If you're serious about finding love, you need to do the work. When I embarked on a serious journey, I went to eHarmony and filled out their lengthy personality questionnaire. The purpose was to understand what I wanted in a relationship and those looking for love know who I am. Matching people is one part intuition and one part information.
If a deal breaker is your potential partner is a smoker, then it will probably not work. I need to know that upfront. If don't want kids, that could be a deal breaker for someone else. I might feel that two people belong together but if they don't match on other levels especially when it comes to future kids, religion, and family values, then it won't work.
I really do want to match and see people fall in love. It gives me great pleasure to know that I had part in your happiness. Understand that you have to do the work on yourself for balance and peace before getting involved in a relationship that will last for decades.
Do the work and you will see dividends.
If you're interested in learning more about your perfect partner, download this Dating Terms worksheet.
Secrets to Making a Breakup Be the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You
Cry, scream, and be all the emotions
What I mean by this is feel all the emotions. You can’t move on if you push things down and never address them. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. It’s gonna be a bumpy road, emotions will come and go, but this will be the best thing to ever happen to you and one day you will wake up, and the shadow will be gone, and you will be happy again. I know you’re asking the biggest question just like when Carrie got her heart broken by Mr. Big for the millionth time.
You know, Carrie from Sex in the City, asked “When will I laugh again?” Miranda responded “When something is really funny.”
That’s how being happy will be one day, it will just click. Until then move on to the rest of this post.
Make a list of all the things that annoyed you
Get specific about the guy and the relationship. This is a great list to have on your phone so when you feel like texting him, or you hear a song you both loved you can read the list and remember why you broke up. When the time comes, and you’re with someone new it’s an excellent way to compare the new guy with the old and make sure they are nothing alike. Who wants to make the same mistake twice? Am I right?
Make a list of all the things you love about yourself and your life
Self-worth is the most important thing anyone can change. If you don’t like you, then who will? This list can be hard in the beginning, try to be very specific and keep adding to the list and read over this list every time you’re sad or not feeling like you are enough. Everyone has good qualities and has talents, appreciate yours. One of my favorite quotes by an unknown author is
“You are YOU and that is your power.”
Embrace your power and embrace your uniqueness. Which leads me to the next point.
Change your self-talk
A world of disappoints will turn into a reality of winning. Words are important, they all have meaning and truth. How is it the nicest people often treat themselves the worst? I came to find that I was quite rude to myself. So take the negative challenge, and I replace I can’t, I won’t, I’m sorry and no; I replaced it with yes, thank you, I can and I will. It makes a world of difference. One of my favorite movies is Alice in Wonderland, and it’s because she tries to do six impossible things before breakfast. And with a mindset like that the world is yours. Be nice to yourself and say nice things. If you need some motivation or an example of affirmations, click here. You will not be disappointed.
Start working out
Even if it’s just a walk with your dog every day or starting a new class at the gym, get out and get your body moving. There are so many studies that state walking is good for your brain. There is a form of therapy called EMDR, and it focuses on changing your thoughts and memories while using both sides of your brain. It’s an incredible form of therapy because you are not talking your way through your problems and getting obsessed. You never tell your therapist what it’s about and you work through your thoughts and memories replaces them with less dramatic more positive feelings. I recommend it to anyone wanting to heal from any past traumas.
Try new things and meet new people
Have you always wanted to take an art class? Or learn how to dance? When you are at work what do you wish you could be doing? When getting home, DO IT! Scared to do something is the best sign that you need to do that very thing, so DO IT. When I was moving on from my past life, I chose always to say yes. My world had gotten so limited like the relationship I was in. When you get scared to take that as a personal challenge to do it. Always say yes. You will be surprised at the things you can accomplish and the people you will meet along the way.
Go on vacation
traveling is the best thing for a broken heart. We forget that life is more than the bubble we live in. It’s a huge world and it will bring things into perspective plus you have so many memories to bury the past with which in the end will help you to move on.
Read self-help books and listen to positive podcasts
I know it’s cheesy but there is good stuff in others experience and advice. Heck, you wouldn’t be reading this post if you didn’t want to change yourself so get obsessed with being better, feeling better. Even trying to better yourself can help you feel better. So get to it, I love The Motivational High Five but find what works for you.
Re-establish friendships with friends and family.
Bad relationships lead to breakups which then have unfortunately put our loved ones as collateral damage. Re-establish those friendships and like I said before don’t be scared to make new ones.
Create goals
Are you happy with your job? No? Change it. Do you hate where you live? Yes? Move. You only have one life to live to get living it instead of surviving it. You don’t like something change it. And keep changing it till you love it.
And finally, upgrade on that relationship
This breakup will be the hardest thing ever do but the best choice you’ve ever made. there is someone out there that will make you look back at the relationship you just left and you will think how crazy you were to ever be so upset it ended. Find someone better, that fits you better, communicates better and has a similar love language as you. We don’t look hard enough to find the people that will suit us best and possibly be our soul mates. So look because I can tell you by experience when you find them you will be happy. Life will be so easy and you will look back at your past relationships and laugh that you ever thought that was love. Don’t settle, your fairy tale does exist.
Thank you for tuning into my post on Val’s Bytes, check out more post’s at ANYTHINGGIRLY.com
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5 Signs You're in a Bad Relationship
Are you dating a narcissist? Master Manipulator? Emotional Terrorist? Here are some signs that you are in a bad relationship. I was told these signs a million times by people over the past years, and I pushed them back saying “he isn’t abusive things aren’t that bad, he doesn’t hit me.” If you find that you are doing this and minimizing the abuse maybe you need to take a step back and honestly evaluate your relationship. So here is a list of 4 things to watch out for and can show you that maybe it’s time to move on from this relationship.
1. He Controls everything.
And it starts with your activities together it’s with his friends, his hobbies, and it’s all in his time; the activities you want to do never seem to work out. He isolates you from your family; you don’t see them as often as you did. Soon you start making up excuses to the people you love on why you never see them and why he never comes to you. He sabotages your friendships making you think that you choose to get rid of your friends. Then control goes on steroids, and you start working from home, you no longer have a car, and when you leave the house, he is texting and calling wondering who you are with and how long you will be. Soon he controls the money, and you no longer have your own, even though you work for it. Now don’t get me started with the sex because that’s going to be controlled too. It will be his choice on his time and his way. You will be left unsatisfied and unfulfilled with life and the relationship and when you complain he will make you feel like everything wrong in the relationship is your fault. Like I said before he is in control of everything, so he is going to control the blame. This is manipulation at its finest, and it will make you think you are crazy. Take a second and stay grounded; it takes two to tango so don’t think the bad relationship is all your fault.
2. History of past Abuse.
How does your partner talk about his ex’s? Does he refer to them as crazy? When he talks about who he dated, did it end badly with each one? You better think twice about being with someone that talks that way. There is a common denominator, and I don’t think it’s that he only finds crazy women to date. A strong, grounded, mature person doesn’t have to label someone as something to protect their ego. A man that has integrity can date remain friendly after it’s over. Listen to the ghosts of his past, they are telling you exactly who he is, and someone like this doesn’t find crazies he creates crazies.
3. The giving and taking are not the same.
In a bad relationship, there will always be one person that is the taker and the other the giver. That’s how you have been able to stay with him so long but also the reason that you’re feeling drained. You’re giving everything and doing everything, and he will give you enough to keep you around.
4. The game of emotional abuse: belittling and stonewalling.
Does he tell you things that are physically wrong with your body? Does he always fail to celebrate your successes? Does he stand up for you with friends or family? Does he call you his doormat? Then when you get upset (because these are all hurtful things), he then ignores you till you apologize for getting angry? This is all in the plan because if you think you aren’t enough for him, you get so low that you get to thinking you can’t live without him. You will bend over backward doing anything he wants to keep him around. No one deserves to be a doormat, close that door immediately and open another that will lift up the doormat, dust it off and treat you like the amazing woman you are.
5. Cycle of abuse
Another reason you stay because when it is good, it’s SO GOOD. I remember crying after my ex, and I bought a house together, and we saged it and talked about all the positive things that were going to happen in the house. Well for once we did an activity I wanted to do. And it was fun, happy, and he was all in and paying 100% attention to me. The high of things going well never lasts. Eventually, the honeymoon stage is over, and the cycle begins again. He will belittle, Stonewall or flat out choose anything or anyone over you; you then get upset and then you’re called crazy. Meanwhile, you think it’s your fault and stay because you THINK you can learn not to be crazy. But in reality, you aren’t crazy, and anyone that gets belittled, stonewalled and flat out chosen last would be upset. You are Normal; You will find a reasonable person to love, and you will be fulfilled and completely healthy.
So if you can relate to this list and you think your relationship is very similar, Please Go! You’re beautiful, smart, strong, and even though you have been conditioned to think otherwise and even though it will be the hardest thing you have ever done; do it. He will never change, and you will stay unfulfilled and drained. You can have a best friend as a partner, someone that’s excited to see you. I remained in an abusive relationship for almost ten years, in the end after I changed my bad habits and worked on myself and came to find it still was not working because he didn’t want it too. I tried to leave three times before I did. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Now that it’s all over and I’ve been with an amazing man I have the relationship that mirrors my parents. I am so glad I did it. It took a long time to get here, and I’m so proud to be where I am and be who I am. We are both in love with each other and will do anything to make sure each other are happy. I didn’t think this existed, and I didn’t think a relationship could be natural, and it is.
Thanks for coming to the party today, I’m sorry it feels like such a downer, but it does end well. This story has ended happily ever after for me, and I hope this post helps change someone’s nightmare into a fairytale. Life is too short, and we only regret the things we never did. You won’t regret living a more fulfilled life and leaving the draining relationship. Let me know if you liked the post or it helped you in some way by commenting and sharing.
XOXO
5 Topics Couples Don’t Discuss Until It’s Too Late
Murphy's law teaches us only one thing. Couples should discuss topics that can go south before they occur. Marriage is a fortress; its stability depends on how much attention you devote while building its base. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, that’s why you should discuss this topic on time; it might spare you of nerve-wracking situations in marriage.
Finances and money investments
Math and love don’t get along. Falling in love is something utterly irrational, and it should stay that way. No one ever said, I might spend my life with this person”, it just happens, like a bolt from the blue, without thinking you are already wearing a ring. But there should be a place for numbers in marriage. Even for little things like groceries, double companions should be equally involved. It allows marriage to be founded on confidence and trust. Long-term financial planning is of particular importance because it ensures the intentions of the spouse and strengthens a marriage. The less concern you get, the more, you will enjoy your marriage, and it will be easier to overcome other problems.
Sex life
Determine your sex life. Be clear how often would you like to have sex. I get it; everything works fine, sex is great, and you are deeply in love, you apparently think, why should I discuss something which is already perfect? In fact, if you want it to stay like that, it is important to start talking about sex life so you can prevent potential problems that might be just around the corner. The downfall of passion is waiting for you, and, sooner or later, it will happen. This is normal, but it won’t seem so if you don’t discuss it before it happens. A possible outcome is that your partner may start to doubt you, it is almost inevitable. This can be a cause for major problems in a marriage. Feel free to talk through every possible situation that crosses your mind.
Spirituality
You might end up in a relationship with a person that doesn't share your beliefs. No one expects big changes or surprises in this area after going to the registrar. Let’s say I’m a deeply religious person, but my wife is an atheist. That’s all right, I respect her views and beliefs, and she respects mine. But when children come along, you might face a situation where neither of you knows how to educate them. How do you make a compromise when things are opposed? A solution to this problem might be expressing both sides’ attitudes to the children as they grow so they can decide what is better for them. You may be lucky with a partner who is not stubborn, but imagine all this with a person who doesn’t want to make concessions. This could put marriage into question.
Career goals and aspirations
People should always think about getting married if they tend to pursue higher education and job success. We are living in modern society, and the “housewife norm” in traditional families is a thing of the past. On the other side, our reproductive organs are still same. There is no such a thing as accelerated pregnancy, and that won’t exist anytime soon, so partners should be aware of each other's plans in their professional lives. Different attitudes about having kids may be a great destruction force that can threaten a marriage, so it’s better to talk about that before it's too late, but not too early and not on a first date.
In-laws issues and influence of other people
This part should be simple, it’s your marriage, your story, and it should be without external influences, but reality is something else, other people will try to shape your marriage. Newlyweds will always have a strong bond with their parents and friends, that's normal, but there should be boundaries when it comes to your partnership. Each decision should be made by the spouses and their agreement. It is critical to envisage this before you drop the anchor. Involvement of other persons increases the chance of an unstable marriage.
Many other things are important to discuss before you lead your darling to the altar but from my experience, this are most important
The Ultimate Dating Basket Giveaway
March madness is among us! Coming from a University of Florida Gator, this time reminds me of the years I was there when we won 3 championships in 2 years (2 basketball and 1 football). In commemoration of great times, I felt it was time for a giveaway.
I've talked about them so many times in my blog and in our podcast, Love Bits and Bytes, that it's only right you should have them for yourself. Included in the basket are two of our favorite books:
Not only that, we want you to put your dating chops to the test. I have also included a $25 Darden restaurant gift card plus something spicy to end your night (if everything went well).
This is a great basket for both guys and gals. Make this a great opportunity to get something for yourself, take your significant other on a long-awaited date, and it's free. Just enter below.
The contest will start on March 15th, 2017 and end on March 30th, 2017. The winner will be announced on April 4th during the Love Bits and Bytes podcast.
Only one winner will be chosen. You must be over the age of 18 and located in the continental U.S.
You can find out additional ways to enter this giveaway after submitting your email address.
Enter below for the Ultimate Basket Giveaway!
[promosimple id="b2e3"]
Online Dating - You're Doing It Wrong
Smartphones and apps have opened the floodgates of free online dating. And why not? You can meet lots of interesting people online - more than you'll meet in a loud, smoky bar. You can filter them to make sure their age, appearance, background, and interests are compatible with yours. And it's fun. Research firm GlobalWebIndex reported in 2015 that 91 million people are using apps like Tinder. Why not? Tinder has millions and millions of users. Surely the person you're looking for has an account.
NEEDLE, MEET HAYSTACK
Maybe so. But Tinder's strength - that it is so widely used - is also its weakness. You're not looking to date millions of people. You're looking to find a particular someone.
General-purpose apps and dating websites try to convince you that having lots of members is a benefit. But in most cases, such sites are a waste of time. (That's one reason their customer ratings are so low.)
Suppose you’re interested solely in guys with beards. Or maybe someone who shares your religious background. A general-purpose dating app may let you set filters so you see only members who match your criteria.
But that doesn’t mean you’ll find lots of them. Like you, people in niche categories find general-interest dating sites and apps frustrating, inefficient, and boring. So you don’t find them there.
A MATTER OF FOCUS
Luckily, savvy website operators have created specialized dating sites for people with particular interests. You can now find a website to help you connect with guys with beards, or fellow Catholics, or big beautiful women, or guys with children, or women with tattoos, or married people interested in discreet relationships, or...well, you name it!
A niche dating site is more efficient because you don't have to wade through the profiles of lots of people who don't match your interests. Better yet, such a site is a community of people who share your attraction. You'll enjoy a real sense of community at a niche site. You can pick up useful online dating tips, chat with like-minded singles, and compare experiences.
A niche site attracts precisely the people you are looking for. And because it rewards their searches with qualified potential partners, they stay active. They tell their friends. The site becomes more and more useful over time.
Best of all, you can be sure that you'll find just the kind of dating partner you're looking for.
Let other singles waste their time swiping left and swiping right on Tinder. You're better off with a niche dating website where you can meet exactly who you're looking for.
Contributed by Dating VIP
What to Expect When... Getting Married
First and foremost, I have a couple of announcements. The podcast is coming back! After a year and a half in hibernation, I knew it was time to bring it back. But this time, there will be a new format and a cohost. I am super excited because we recorded some of the shows today and the banter is just fantastic. Look out for the first episode this week.
The other day, the comedian and I were talking about preparation for marriage. When you buy a car or have a baby, some people take the time to do their research before finalizing on a decision. Why don't we do that when we decide to get married? I lucked out in the sense that the Comedian was extremely adamant about building a foundation before making any serious moves, like getting married or having children. You can't fix a relationship that's already broken.
There are some people out there that believe a child can put a band-aid on a serious problem or that sex is the solution to avoiding a relationship. It's kind of like alcoholism. The problems just don't disappear because your mind is somewhere else. They will be there when you get back. I had a good friend of mine was going through a divorce and decided to move across the country from Orlando to LA in hopes that a change of scenery would bring him back to his usual self. Unfortunately, it didn't. He went into a little bit of a depression and decided to move back. In reality, his support system was here in Orlando. The people around him nursed him back to himself, and he was able to date again.
I'm not saying our system is perfect, but we can both say we know the other person well. The Comedian promises he has more romantic gestures up his sleeves and those are the kinds of surprises I like. There is a reason the court in Florida gives you a discount on your marriage certificate when you take a course before getting hitched. Marriage is supposed to be forever. That's what we all say in our vows. Take the time to read some books together or try one of those "get to know you" questionnaires they have on Pinterest. I've done a few of those with the Comedian early in our relationship. I'll even add a link to a few for good measure.
Many of us women have this dream of finally being loved by our prince charming. I know it's easier said than done but take the time out to get to know your prince before he becomes your King. He could very well be a frog.
Here are some books to read together and links to those questionnaires I promised.
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married
100 Random Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend
40 Personal Questions to Ask Your boyfriend
13 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married
Why Technology is Killing Intimacy
I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts yesterday, Heather Dubrow's World, by one of the housewives of Orange County. Heather Dubrow had Dr. Drew Pinsky on her show, and he mentioned something that got me thinking. Technology has gotten in the way of intimacy.
What do I mean by this? Well, apps like Tinder give people the ability to choose by looks alone. I know some might look a little deeper as they probably want to get to the know the person before they swipe right. But it also allows a person to have more than one match at a time. When I was single, I was guilty of the same thing. I would talk to 5 guys at a time (that was my limit before I started mixing up stories). Also, because the connection is superficial, it will probably end up in a hook up rather than a relationship. I'm not saying that someone could not end up finding the love of their life on Tinder, however, that is the "exception, not the rule" (Yep, that's from "He's Just Not That Into You
Also, there's texting and emails. I have about ten years of professional experience under my belt. As younger people come into the workforce, I notice one annoying habit; they don't pick up the damn phone! Instead of chasing down a customer for an answer before delivery, they send an email. Then their excuse is, "well, he hasn't answered my email yet." Really???? Call the guy, leave a voicemail, make some effort. This is the same idea in a relationship. How does one add intimacy in a relationship when they are just texting? I have been guilty of the same thing. As a matter of fact, the Comedian, who is older and wiser, does point out that the conversation could be resolved faster if I just made a phone call. It's a generational thing.
Needless to say, we have allowed texting to be a replacement for a normal conversation. People even break up through text messages. There is something to be said about those people who put their phone away while spending time with friends, family, or their significant other. They have the right idea. We are losing the ability to have intimacy in any relationship because we have a phone up to our face about 75% of the time.
If you're looking for a real, intimate, relationship, try a dating site like Match.com or eHarmony. Then take the time to qualify the person by talking to them on the phone. You don't have to meet them in person, but you will have a better chance of real intimacy if you just talk to someone.
I'm Officially Mrs. Comedian!
I’ve officially been married to the Comedian for a month and two days. I know I’m a bit late on relaying my experience but what better time before a long weekend to indulge in some wedding highs and lows. Overall, it was exactly what I wanted. A big party. I couldn’t have asked for a better group of people to celebrate such a special occasion. Everyone asked what I wanted out of the wedding, and my reply was simple: good food and good music. We had both!
For those who don’t know, I’m obsessed with sharing how Orlando is not just a town for theme parks. There is so much else to see and try. Because of this, I chose a wedding venue that embraced old Orlando
and what it used to be with some Spanish flair. We had our wedding at tapas restaurant named Ceviche located right in the heart of downtown Orlando. The brick streets and old buildings give the whole area of Church Street it’s character. I could go into ghost stories about this particular area, but that would be an entirely different blog. I have frequented this restaurant with a good friend of mine plenty of times to talk about business and life over champagne and great food. The details in the woodwork all over the restaurant took me over the edge. I was sold. I had gone to other venues, but they didn’t appeal to me nearly as much. The Comedian and I are a unique, creative couple and the venue needed to embody that.
A few months before the wedding, everything started to hit me hard. I was struggling with the financials. How was I going to pay for everything? Then it hit me. The florist I initially hired went bankrupt. Say what?!?! I went into a panic mode. Kelly, the event coordinator at Ceviche, came to my rescue. She gave me a couple of names, and I was put in touch with Jaimz at Florida Flowers and Orchids. She quoted me less than the original florist, and the flowers turned out amazing. The biggest debacle with this was, I had already paid in full. Since the services were not rendered, the bank was able to help me out and I was credited the money for the flowers.
Situation diverted.
Finally, the day had arrived. We had the rehearsal the night before and then I went out with friends, walked
to the gorgeous Grand Bohemian hotel, and spent my last night as a single person alone. It was nice to have a big king size bed to myself without a snoring dog an earshot. (I do love Rosco, but he can be loud).
I woke up the day of the wedding around 8 am like a little girl on Christmas morning, took a shower, and met my sister and some friends for breakfast at this cute little French bistro in downtown Orlando called Le Gourmet Break. I believe the owner makes the croissants and they are to die for! We went back to the hotel to start the process of getting ready. My hairstylist and make-up artist, Karen from the Karmel Design Team, got there around 11 AM. She started on me to get me prepped, and I sat in a robe the majority of the day pacing around. I did hire a wedding coordinator from Events Unlimited by M, Maria, who was my saving grace. I could not imagine worrying about setting up the wedding and all of the chaos that must have ensued without me knowing. I would have paid so much more for her (thanks for the family discount!). I am a little OCD when it comes to things getting done so it was hard for me to sit still and I kept thinking of new things that would come up.
After the bridesmaids were done with their makeup and hair. Karen sat me down to start the process of making me a bride. At the same time, Stephanie, my photographer from Lily Lu Photography, and Rose from Sophia Rose Photography and Film showed up. They started asking me a slew of questions, and I was immediately overwhelmed. I think it’s because, as a bride, we want everything to be perfect. We want to give the right answer quickly so that nothing is missed.
My makeup was now done, and I was posing. The flowers arrived, and things were moving. I think the next 30 minutes to an hour were a complete blur. My best friend from college, Hanio, and his wife had gifted us with transportation from their company Airport Super Express based out of Miami. He was a little lost, and I tasked one of my bridesmaids to give him directions. The blur ensued.
We got downstairs to the van and left to the venue which was a block away. (Who wants to walk downtown in a wedding dress?) We all walked into the venue, the bridesmaids, parents and more were all lined up while I hid from the Comedian with both my mom and dad. Then the moment came, I walked down the aisle to my cousin playing guitar. I was speechless. The roses lined down the aisle, and the smile on the Comedian’s face was all I ever dreamed of. It was sincerely a perfect moment. Our pastor was funny, and the vows were touching. This was it… we were married!
We took pictures then headed to the reception. When we entered, the rest was another blur. Time flew. The Comedian and I had our first dance; then I dance with my dad which is another dream of mine. With all that we have been through as father and daughter, this was the only moment I would had ever asked for. Thank you, Daddy, for giving that to me… now I’m starting to tear up. Back to the party.
We ate, said hi to everyone, the photo booth arrived (thanks mom for the gift!); we took some more pictures, and the speeches were given. Savier, the Beard from The Beard and the Mole, and my sisters spoke with heartfelt verses in front of the crowd. Then we danced. DJ Sparks put on such a great party. I did not expect anything less. We picked him up from another wedding that had the same result.
After all was said and done, we found a petty cab downstairs, and I drove off into the distance (well the hotel) with my husband.
I honestly could not have asked for a better night. Thank you, everyone, who helped during this crazy time!
P.S. I don’t have the professional pics yet, but when I do, I promise to share. In the meantime, here’s a trailer from Sophia Rose.
https://vimeo.com/190464051
The Truth to Matchmaking
It seems every time I meet a guy friend of The Comedian's, I get asked, do I have any single girlfriends. The answer is, yes, I do. Whether I feel they are an appropriate match for that person is a biased opinion. Hooking people up or matchmaking is a science. You can't just hook two people up all willy nilly. The Comedian believes I have a sickness because I'm always trying to hook people up. Yes, I do think if there's an opportunity, I will jump on it and try to get two people together. I love LOVE and I want people to be in love like I am. It's just not that simple. After I have made the grave error of trying to put two people together, I realize that they are not ready for a relationship or they simply don't want one.
I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day. We were talking about matchmaking. I had come across a friend who is a great catch. Granted, he doesn't live in Florida. What I didn't express to her was that he was in no position to be in a relationship. He simply didn't want one. Rather than pushing some romanticized idea down a man's throat, I would rather leave him alone until he's ready and willing to make the jump. A couple of instances I was fortunate in matchmaking, both the guy and girl were looking for relationships. One example, in particular, I met this guy when I was single who's personality did not mesh with mine romantically. He explained to me what he was looking for in a relationship. A light bulb went off because I knew someone who fit his criteria to a "T." I strategically brought him to a place I knew she would be and five years later, they are still together.
Another caveat is some people want relationships without being ready for one. There's something to be said about doing the work on yourself before entering into a committed relationship with someone who is mentally stable. I always tell people,
You can't be happy with someone else if you are not happy with yourself.
I worked a lot on myself before going into a relationship. There were a lot of frogs I had to kiss before I found my prince charming. What I find interesting about them is that many of them are still single. I think what drove me the craziest in my single life was the lack of consideration a man would have for my time. If you make plans, either stick to them or cancel them. Sigh... some guys are just cowards.
Anyhow, I see some of my girlfriends struggle with dating. I get it. It's tough out there, however, if you're confident, love yourself, and recognize that when someone likes you that you respect their feelings, then you are ready for love. I also say,
You have to be the person you want to be in a relationship before you are in a relationship.
If you think it's totally acceptable to go out with your girls three times a week, that's fine. But think of how someone you might be interested in would perceive that imagery. If you're looking for someone to party with, then you might be doing right by you. A real man is looking for someone he can enjoy his life with. He doesn't want to fight over petty things or worries that you might dive into a deep depression because he forgot this was the anniversary of your first kiss.
Matchmaking is not a simple hook up, at least it isn't for me. Real love deserves thought.
My Rattled Psyche
My psyche has been rattled quite a bit over the past few months. Wedding planning is more like a psychological roller coaster that takes you from super excited to damn right devastated. I spoke to one of The Comedian’s coworkers yesterday whose daughter is planning a wedding and she mentioned her daughter is at the stage where she does not care anymore. Well, that’s where I’m at right now. Through this whole process, I have met incredible people, and I’ve realized who was willing to go the extra mile. I do cherish my friends and family to my core. However, one has to realize you can’t save them all.
Recently, I had a conversation with someone who made me realize why I love my friends so dearly and that I have the natural feeling to want to help them regardless if they might have done something negative. It’s the reason why I blog. I like to hope that somewhere in the world, I’m able to help someone with my words or stories. That some woman out there might be on the verge of making a wrong decision, she reads the blog and a light appears in front of her. I love to provide a service to help those in need of clarity in their personal lives.
I hope with all of my experiences that I will be able to provide the glimmer of hope someone was seeking. I sincerely believe I was put on this earth to endure some hardships, interpret it as an opportunity to find strength, and share it with the world. Wisdom does not come with experience; it comes with the ability to make your experiences learning opportunities.
It happens to be the same reason I have the tendency to want to help people in their relationships. Not too long ago, I spent an additional 30 minutes in a car with an Uber driver giving him advice in his relationship. Regardless of whether the Comedian felt that this was appropriate, my drunken persona felt that this was the right thing to do at the time.
The theme of my bachelorette party cruise was one of finding ourselves again. Through all of the babies and significant others, we lose sight of how amazing we are as women. We're strong and resilient. Whether we make plans in the future to go to Ireland or Argentina is all up to us. There is a magnetic pull for us to move forward in a productive and happy direction. I will never forget what the trip has taught me about myself, and I will never forget the conversations. I think that's why I'm so rattled. I needed to be reminded that we all are amazing, and we deserve the best. I remembered that I love my friends and family , I love meeting new people, and I love to dance like no one is looking.
My psyche will be normal again
Wedding planning, working full time, and finding a path in freelancing can take a toll on someone. I sincerely cannot wait to get the wedding behind me. There are so many things that are changing right now that I can't speak about because it is a bit premature. However, I am very excited. Let's just say; I will have more time to write and travel as I've always dreamed. Who knows, I might go back to school. I think my calling is to help people in their relationships. It's not easy to see what is going on in your relationship from the inside, but an outside wise perspective might give you that light you've been seeking.
Coincidently enough, this was Joel Osteen's prayer for the day:
“Father, today I raise my level of expectancy. I choose to take the limits off of my thinking. I know that You are able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all I could ever ask, think or imagine. Thank You for the blessing You have in store for me in Jesus’ name! Amen.”
Caller Smart - The app that will block catfishing
Have you ever wondered how to prevent potential Catfishing or ending up in a situation like my friend from one of my previous blogs, What's your last name again? Well, guess what? There's an app for that! Katie from Caller Smart reached out to me to spread the word on how their app can help eliminate the possibility of having the wool pulled over your eyes. It can happen to anyone. Imagine being at a bar and you exchange phone numbers with a guy that has just made you giggle for the last half an hour. What if you can look up his phone number to solidify that he is actually who he says he is. Not only that, but there is a forum on Caller Smart where other gals can put comments about that particular person under their phone number. Just another saving grace that will keep you from dating someone who potentially just want to get into your pants.
Katie Boudreau from Caller Smart explained during our interview that the app is a community phone book that is free and available on the iTunes store. There are additional services such as background checks that cost a little extra through a 3rd party site. What you do is look up a phone number and check out whether there are any comments regarding the person in question. This also works for telephone scams. When did it become okay for telemarketers to call our cell phones?? You can leave feedback on the number as well letting the world know how awful of a tipper the guy was or whether he was just scamming to get into your panties. The comments are monitored so keep the raunchy language at home.
Katie said that privacy is taken very seriously and you can only search by phone number not by name. What was also really interesting is that there are scammers out there who target those in their silver years. It reminds me of the days I was a telemarketer myself and sold credit cards to my elders. (sigh... college jobs but the past is the past) There are people out there who claim to fall in love with those who are older and alone. Then they convince them to send them money. That's sooo awful!
Keep yourself safe and those you love safer from scams, deuchebags, and just really really bad people. Download the Caller Smart app from the iTunes store or check out their website at CallerSmart.com.
And We Watched Football
We looked at the stars while he passed me my drink. This is just the way I’ve always wanted to experience life. The beach chairs in his parent’s backyard gave us the perfect view of the sparkling night sky. I met him through a mutual friend at a club and our personalities just clicked. I wondered what attracted me to him in the first place because it wasn’t his sense of style or his good looks. There was just something about him. “Hey, the game will be on in about 30 minutes. You wanna jump in the pool for a quick swim before the game?”, he asked presumptuously.
I nodded with delight. We both got down to our knickers. I jumped in first and realized I didn’t have a drink in my hand, “Hey Pedro!” I called, “Can you grab our drinks?”
He turned around, grabbed both of our red plastic cups, and headed back to the pool. He set the drinks down on the ladder for easy access and started to splash water in my face! “Hey! My hair isn’t naturally curly!” I yelled.
We both laughed. He grabbed my drink and we started to ramble on about how stars were created and whether they will exist at the world’s end. You know, real nerdy stuff.
I couldn’t help but smile and laugh when we chatted. I’m not sure if it was the high or the inebriation. It doesn’t matter I was having a blast. Pedro got out of the water, grabbed our towels, and told me the game was about to start. This was a mutual team of ours that we loved watching together and for whatever reason when we watched them together, they won.
Pedro’s parents were gone for the week visiting family in California so there was no reason I should be in a hurry to leave. That was one thing that bothered me about him. He was in his 30s and still lived with his parents. Also, I didn’t even know when he had his last relationship. It was apparent he had no intention of ever settling down. I enjoyed his company as it was. There were no strings even though over time I started having feelings for him. In time, it would come to fruition that we will always have our memories.
I sat down on the long sectional and he was in the recliner. He looked over to me and said, “Hey, come over here.” I happily obliged. I sat on his lap and the game begun. We clinked our plastic cups, I grabbed some snacks off the table next to the chair, and watched the emotional rollercoaster that we call football. I don’t know what’s worse, Grey’s Anatomy and their constant need to have characters die off or watching a team that is never consistent. So emotional! Needless to say, I love the sport.
It was simply the best. We cheered, cried, he teased me because I gave up too early, and our team won. Then we went up to his childhood bedroom. After that, well, I never kiss and tell.
"What if?" is a scary phrase
Recently, a close friend of mine lost his father. It got me to thinking about my relationship with my father. Naturally, the first thing I think is that life is fleeting. People come and go, bad things happen, good things happen, you have great relationships, and wonderful memories. Some of those moments lead us to hours of therapy that I'm not sure how I paid for. Anyhow, I didn't have a really close relationship with my father growing up. He just wasn't around.
Growing up in the military has it's unconventional moments. First, I never had a friend for more than 2 years. Not that I was a bad friend but they would move away. I remember my best friend from elementary school moved to Alaska. I mean... how were we going to stay friends without the internet? Second, my dad would spend overnights on base or at training. He wasn't home very often. He retired for a short period of time, didn't like being a civilian, and got right back in. Which led him to Panama. Needless to say, my dad missed the most awkward parts of my life, the teenage years. There were a lot of factors in him not being around and I'm not 100% sure about a lot of it.
When I was about 27 years old, my dad came out of the woodworks and established an ongoing relationship with me. I can't say I see him all of the time but we do email each other on a regular basis and I have finally learned where my personality came from.
Back to death, I still wonder what the future holds with my father. Even in the wedding planning process, getting an answer out of him is a bit nerve wracking. I would really like him to be a part of my future kid's lives and want him to come up to Orlando more often. This could be a cry but I don't want to think "what if". Parts of me don't want to make the effort but if life is so fleeting, maybe I should so that I could have that relationship that I want with my father.
Gosh! That's all I really want... a better relationship before it's too late.
Wedding Planning is for the Birds
If anyone really, really knows me, I sincerely don’t like being the center of attention. I like to meander through the crowd getting to know people one on one. Shoot, I always turn beet red when people start singing “Happy Birthday” to me. Being put right in the spotlight is not really my thing. So what does that say for my experience in becoming a bride? I’ll tell you. I have this sensation of anxiety anytime anyone asks me, “So how is the wedding planning going?”
Again, if you really know me, you know that I’m a hustler and I don’t like to wait to get things done. With that being said, almost everything is planned except for the wedding cake, bridesmaids dress, and other tiny little details. I do operations for a living people! Haha! I guess my only real anxiety with wedding planning is finding the finances to pay for it. I have always been good with saving, however, this expense is a little bit out of my reach. Our parents have been great in helping us out financially but it’s just not enough. I’m not sure how else other people stress out about the details. Maybe it’s the fact they want to please everyone on their guest list and they want to everything to be perfect. However, I’ve learned over time that nothing ever comes out exactly the way you planned.
I’ve expressed my anxiety of wedding planning to some people and they tell me, “Just enjoy the process”. I do like to put together parties but I also like to know that I can afford things. Don’t get me wrong, we’re not desperately poor by any means, we’re just middle class Americans trying to plan something clo
se to the wedding of our dreams. I just didn’t realize flowers cost so much! It’s crazy that I saved almost $100 by removing 1 rose from each of the centerpieces. Insane! If I had all the money in the world, I would cover the whole room in flowers and have flamenco dancers and a photo booth.
We have been blessed by some great people who are doing us favors. I am truly grateful for that fact. My next endeavor is to do this timeline. Seriously, I didn’t know each and every detail needed to be planned out. I guess the bridezillas of the world have created extra work for us more laid back types.
On a happier note, we got some of our engagement photos in! Enjoy!
Don't Get in that Car
I recently heard something on the radio that was quite disturbing. A girl was raped after getting into a car with a stranger. My first question is why would anyone get into a car with a stranger? It boggles my mind the naivety of some people. Maybe it's my thick skin or the fact that I've had so many close calls, I'm not really sure. Don't people remember their parents teaching them about "stranger danger"? That concept applies all of your life, not just when you're a child. I know that most rapes occur within a person's social circle. According to the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAIIN), 4 out of 5 sexual assaults are done by no one you know. But I want to be an advocate for those who might not make the best choices when it comes to trusting someone they don't know. Recently, I found a social experiment where a popular Youtuber lured unsuspecting women into his car.
[embed]http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xk4VmYrquAs[/embed]
I am speaking from experience. There was a point in my life where I was just as naive as some women who make dangerous decisions.
Here is another scenario. You meet someone at a bar and he invites you over to his place after. What do you expect is going to happen? He's going to be a nice guy and you two are going to have a long night of conversation. Probably not. I remember a line from "How I Met Your Mother" that said,
"When it's after 2:00 a.m., just go to sleep because the decisions you make after 2:00 a.m. are the wrong decisions."
Just go home, hold some dignity, and enjoy the fact that if he is a good guy, then he will call you because he respects you. If he is not, then he wasn't right for you. I don't know how many times I had to convince myself of the same. Sometimes our insecurities cause us to make bad decisions. That's exactly why the movie "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" made so much sense.
I can't say any more than women need to make better decisions and take pride within ourselves. We are not perfect and bad things might still happen but we can prevent some of those bad things going left instead of right or vice versa. I can honestly say that most of my bad dates could have been avoided but my own curiosity was a blessing and a curse. Most of the bad decisions I've made could have had different outcomes if I put my self worth first. I do also believe that God does not put you through anything you can't handle and it is all done in His time.
If you have any questions about sexual assault or need someone to talk to, I am here as a listening ear to both men and women alike.
Commitaphobes vs Monogamers
A good friend of mine, "Los" (short for Carlos) and I have talked several times about commitephobes and monogamers. Both of them exist in the dating world. I admit, for a long time, I was a commitaphobe. There was a point I was about to get married to someone and I wanted to run so far, he would never find me. I also dated several guys to the point where it was easy to run. This had to do a lot with my abandonment issues. It was easier to leave than to get too close to be vulnerable. I then found my match... "The Comedian". Oddly enough, he was known as a monogamer. 
So what is a monogamer? That is someone who is always in long term relationships. My younger sister is a monogamer. It is rare that she is out of a relationship for a long period of time. She likes being in relationships and so does my fiance. When I met "The Comedian", I wondered what made me different from the other relationships he had in the past. Would I be another long term relationship that would lead to eventual heartbreak? I think my honesty upfront cleared up a lot of questions. I would not be in a relationship unless I knew it was going to be something real. There was something very different about "The Comedian" and there were other things that kind of put us together like the law of attraction.
There was definitely a change in me when I met him. I knew it had to be a special guy for me to settle down. It was kind of like Carrie and Big. My ex fiance was like Aidan... I knew something was wrong and I ran. "The Comedian" was always my "Mr. Big". He has a big personality and a big heart.
I have come across both monogamers and commitaphobes in my quest for love. I think I also liked the chase of a commitaphobe. Those who made it too easy and they didn't challenge me caused me to want to run the other way. I guess I wanted the "bad boy" in a sense. Someone that was hard to get. Who doesn't like an unhealthy challenge? (haha jk) I think my friends who are married thought I was kind of a nut for these challenges but all in all I was on a quest for something great. My own version of Sex and the City. Carrie says it best,
“I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.'”
I'm not sure how a monogamer and a commitaphobe got together but it works. He pulls the best out of me and I do all that I can to learn to be vulnerable. I know he loves me for my heart and the ability to continue to grow with him. I made a decision that if I was going to really find love, I would have to let go and that's exactly what I did.
We're Engaged!!!
It finally happened! The Comedian and I are engaged. All is good in the world. I know that I am about two weeks late on sharing this news with the world other than my friends and family and social media followers but I digress… I won’t lie and say I didn’t see it coming, however, I did not know the details of what the Comedian was planning. The moment I knew something was awry was when he asked me which bowtie he should wear. Normally, he does put on a bowtie unless we’re headed to a wedding or something similar.
After getting all dolled up, we were on our way. The Comedian said we would stop to just take a walk for a little bit. Needless to say, I was starving so deep down inside, I was thinking to myself that I didn’t want to keep my hopes up and imagine that we were sincerely out to dinner after our excursion. He parked at our favorite park, Cranes Roost, which happened to be under construction. I was a little saddened by that because it’s such a great park and I was looking forward to stroll.
The Comedian then lead me towards a little area in front of the lake right in front of a wedding party taking pictures at the same time. (How serendipitous, no?) He held my two hands, looked into my eyes, and then started his speech. At that time, I’m screaming in my head, OMG IT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!! He goes on to express that I will never know how much he loves me (my heart beats even faster) then he gets down on one knee and asks, “Will you marry me?” Naturally, I burst into tears and just kept repeating the word “yes”. He gets up and we share salty kisses due to my inability to stop crying.
Then the Comedian takes me back to the car, tells me to put my purse in the trunk, I sit in the passenger side and he blindfolds me. At this moment, I’m thinking to myself, “Oh we’re going to his parent’s house”. I’m only ticked off because he tells me that traditionally there’s something else we do and that would be the only thing that crossed my mind. Imagine, a woman in the front seat of a car with a blindfold on? It was definitely a bit of a spectacle considering the Comedian kept telling me that other drivers were looking suspicious when they took a glance into our car.
We finally arrive at our destination, the Comedian rolls down his window and someone screams, “Is that you, Gio?” I thought, “Hold on a second, who is that?” We get out of the car and the Comedian tries to guide me to the door, while blindfolded. Needless to say, we walked through the grass and I was wearing heels. It was an accident waiting to happen but I made it without a twisted ankle. We stopped, he took off my blindfold and everyone one yelled, “Surprise!” Over 60 of our closest friends and family were at the Comedian’s parent’s house for a surprise engagement party. I was consumed with love and tears. I couldn’t believe he planned all of this without me knowing. It was absolutely incredible. There are no words to describe how I was feeling at that moment. Just wow…
So you ask, “What is it like now that I’m engaged?” I will tell you, it is a bit relieving in the sense that we have grown so much as a couple and it has made it to this milestone in our relationship. I spoke to some friends of mine who have known me for a while and they are just sincerely happy. After all of the bad date stories, mediocre boyfriends, and so many other hurdles, I have finally found my prince charming. I am utterly on cloud 9. The Comedian has been an amazing person to learn and grow with. I am just honored that we get to continue to grow for many, many years to come.
Here are some more pictures from that day...
5 Steps on Flirting at the Bar
I love these wedding pictures of the Comedian and I from New York. There were way too many props for the photo booths and goodies given out on the dance floor. Definitely a time I will remember for the rest of my life, but I digress. We're here to give you tips, tips for the ladies. I know it might be intimidating but let me hold your hand through this process. Don't forget to be yourself and have fun! Yes, normally, a bar is not a great place to meet a significant other, however, you never know. Why jeopardize an opportunity when it presents itself? As a woman, the social stigma is to allow the guy pursue you, however, if someone catches your eye why not make yourself available to be pursued.
1. Take a quick glance
Remember, most men find hitting on a woman intimidating especially when she is out with her girlfriends. If you catch someone looking at you and he tickles your fancy, give him a quick smile then turn your head back to your friends and casually continue talking. The test is the second glance. If you catch him looking at you again, look at him, bat your flirting eyelashes, and smile again.
2. Divide and Conquer
You must separate yourself from your friends. Let them know someone caught your eye and you are going to give him the opportunity to speak to you. Just in case something wrong happens, they know where you went. If the guy is interested, he will approach you. By leaving your friends, you made the
situation less intimidating. It might be hard to fathom but a group of women can be scary.
3. OMG! He's coming over?!
When he does approach you, just say “hi, how are you?” Don’t come on too strong by starting your whole life story. You don’t want to scare this guy off. He will continue the conversation and if he is truly interested in getting to know you, he will start asking questions about you.
4. Let the drinks start rollin' in
If you hit it off in conversation, he will more than likely offer to buy you a drink. If he does, accept it but do keep on an eye on that drink but keep your drink minimum to 2 or 3 at most depending on your tolerance. You don’t want to get drunk and do things you might regret. Drunk flirting can get you in situations you might not be ready for. You don't want to accidentally tell him about the time you got in trouble for a hit and run right off the bat. As my friend Los says,
"Only release a little crazy at a time."
5. To date or not to date?
There is a possibility this guy might become inappropriate. If he makes a sexual reference right off the bat, just tell him it was nice to meet him and go back to your friends. Remember, you are flirting in a bar. You are the one in power of the conversation. If he is truly interested in getting to know you, he will not bring up sex the first time you meet.
Finally, if the vibe is great, exchange numbers and go back to your friends. Don’t forget the real reason you went to the bar, to spend time with the people who will love you no matter what. So sashay your way back to your cooing friends and fill them in on the juicy information.