Before Finding Love, You Have to do the Work

Okay. I am going to give you a stern talking to. Are you ready? Good. Since I have announced that I am a certified matchmaker, I have been approached several times. It's been great! However, as soon as I ask people to fill out a questionnaire that will take them 15 minutes, they look at me like I have six eyes.

What I come to understand is that people want things handed to them for free or no work at all. It's absolutely insane. Yes, you can find love without filling out a crazy long questionnaire or asking me for help. That's fine. I won't be mad at you.

It's not just the questionnaire

Before getting into a relationship with the Comedian, I had personal hurdles I had to overcome like abandonment issues and sexual assault from my past. Everyone has baggage especially when you start dating in your late 20s, 30s, or even 40s. It's inevitable.

You had previous relationships, kids, issues with family members, and events in your life that have emotionally scarred you. I always say,

"It's not what you have been through, it's how you handle it that makes you who you are."

Those things from my past do not belong in a relationship. What did I do? I went to counseling, I read some self-help books like the Secret, and the Power of Now and I started looking at life differently. I wanted to be more balanced.

The Self-Awareness Era

We have so much information at our fingertips. More than likely, if you continue to have failing relationships, the common denominator is you. Not the other person you dated. I mean maybe there are some inklings that they weren't the right person for you. The definition of insanity is,

"Doing the same things over and over and expecting different results."

Take ownership of your life and look at your past experiences. Do you have a "Captain Save a Hoe" complex (meaning you always want to "save" your significant other)? Do you always choose people who are verbally abusive because your parents were verbally abusive to you?

We don't realize that sometimes we choose our partners unconsciously. I will tell you that I have a HUGE military guy complex. I consistently dated men in the military because my dad was in the Army. It was like they flocked to me like some sort of butterfly. These men were a reflection of my father; it is what I knew.  Even CNN recognized that its common for you to end up with someone like your parents.

What am I saying? Do the work. Find out what makes you tick and take a look at what happened to you in the past. Read some self-help books that teach you who you are, take a personality test like the one found on 16personalities, find out your love language, and learn more about your zodiac sign. These tests are actually really cool because they are uncanny and really spot on.

Understanding and loving yourself first will help you be a better partner to anyone who crosses your path. I can only help you so much to get you to a better you. I like to tell people that I can lead a horse to water but I can't force it to drink. This means that I can give you all of the tools in the world to find love, but if you don't take my advice or guidance, then I can't promise that you will get what you want.

There's a reason eHarmony has a long questionnaire

If you're serious about finding love, you need to do the work. When I embarked on a serious journey, I went to eHarmony and filled out their lengthy personality questionnaire. The purpose was to understand what I wanted in a relationship and those looking for love know who I am. Matching people is one part intuition and one part information.

If a deal breaker is your potential partner is a smoker, then it will probably not work. I need to know that upfront. If don't want kids, that could be a deal breaker for someone else. I might feel that two people belong together but if they don't match on other levels especially when it comes to future kids, religion, and family values, then it won't work.

I really do want to match and see people fall in love. It gives me great pleasure to know that I had part in your happiness. Understand that you have to do the work on yourself for balance and peace before getting involved in a relationship that will last for decades.

Do the work and you will see dividends.

If you're interested in learning more about your perfect partner, download this Dating Terms worksheet.

And We Watched Football

We looked at the stars while he passed me my drink. This is just the way I’ve always wanted to experience life. The beach chairs in his parent’s backyard gave us the perfect view of the sparkling night sky. I met him through a mutual friend at a club and our personalities just clicked. I wondered what attracted me to him in the first place because it wasn’t his sense of style or his good looks. There was just something about him. “Hey, the game will be on in about 30 minutes. You wanna jump in the pool for a quick swim before the game?”, he asked presumptuously.

I nodded with delight. We both got down to our knickers. I jumped in first and realized I didn’t have a drink in my hand, “Hey Pedro!” I called, “Can you grab our drinks?”

He turned around, grabbed both of our red plastic cups, and headed back to the pool. He set the drinks down on the ladder for easy access and started to splash water in my face! “Hey! My hair isn’t naturally curly!” I yelled.

We both laughed. He grabbed my drink and we started to ramble on about how stars were created and whether they will exist at the world’s end. You know, real nerdy stuff.

I couldn’t help but smile and laugh when we chatted. I’m not sure if it was the high or the inebriation. It doesn’t matter I was having a blast. Pedro got out of the water, grabbed our towels, and told me the game was about to start. This was a mutual team of ours that we loved watching together and for whatever reason when we watched them together, they won.

Pedro’s parents were gone for the week visiting family in California so there was no reason I should be in a hurry to leave. That was one thing that bothered me about him. He was in his 30s and still lived with his parents. Also, I didn’t even know when he had his last relationship. It was apparent he had no intention of ever settling down. I enjoyed his company as it was. There were no strings even though over time I started having feelings for him. In time, it would come to fruition that we will always have our memories.

I sat down on the long sectional and he was in the recliner. He looked over to me and said, “Hey, come over here.” I happily obliged. I sat on his lap and the game begun. We clinked our plastic cups, I grabbed some snacks off the table next to the chair, and watched the emotional rollercoaster that we call football. I don’t know what’s worse, Grey’s Anatomy and their constant need to have characters die off or watching a team that is never consistent. So emotional! Needless to say, I love the sport.

It was simply the best. We cheered, cried, he teased me because I gave up too early, and our team won. Then we went up to his childhood bedroom. After that, well, I never kiss and tell.

Wedding Planning is for the Birds

If anyone really, really knows me, I sincerely don’t like being the center of attention.  I like to meander through the crowd getting to know people one on one.  Shoot, I always turn beet red when people start singing “Happy Birthday” to me.  Being put right in the spotlight is not really my thing.  So what does that say for my experience in becoming a bride?  I’ll tell you.  I have this sensation of anxiety anytime anyone asks me, “So how is the wedding planning going?” Again, if you really know me, you know that I’m a hustler and I don’t like to wait to get things done.  With that being said, almost everything is planned except for the wedding cake, bridesmaids dress, and other tiny little details.  I do operations for a living people!  Haha!  I guess my only real anxiety with wedding planning is finding the finances to pay for it.  I have always been good with saving, however, this expense is a little bit out of my reach.  Our parents have been great in helping us out financially but it’s just not enough.  I’m not sure how else other people stress out about the details.  Maybe it’s the fact they want to please everyone on their guest list and they want to everything to be perfect.  However, I’ve learned over time that nothing ever comes out exactly the way you planned.

I’ve expressed my anxiety of wedding planning to some people and they tell me, “Just enjoy the process”.  I do like to put together parties but I also like to know that I can afford things.  Don’t get me wrong, we’re not desperately poor by any means, we’re just middle class Americans trying to plan something close to the wedding of our dreams.  I just didn’t realize flowers cost so much!  It’s crazy that I saved almost $100 by removing 1 rose from each of the centerpieces.  Insane!  If I had all the money in the world, I would cover the whole room in flowers and have flamenco dancers and a photo booth.

We have been blessed by some great people who are doing us favors.  I am truly grateful for that fact.  My next endeavor is to do this timeline.  Seriously, I didn’t know each and every detail needed to be planned out.  I guess the bridezillas of the world have created extra work for us more laid back types.

On a happier note, we got some of our engagement photos in!  Enjoy!

The Old Role Switcheroo

I've noticed from the relationship I have with parents, it seems we took on the parental role way too soon in our lives.  I read recently in the Chicago Tribune, that it's becoming more and more normal for children to take on the parental roles too soon in their lives.  This to me seems a bit unfair.  I remember having a very secluded childhood, especially in my teens.  I had my escape by going to band camp, however, when I got home, I had to take care of my younger sister.  It was like my mom was not aware of her misbehaving or let her do what she wanted and my dad didn't play a role in our lives after I was 14.  He actually just reappeared maybe 3 years ago.  I was 16 years old, keeping out eye out on my sister, making sure the neighbor didn't leave a hickey on her neck large enough for my mom to see. This, in turn, caused me to feel like I have always been responsible for my sister and left me longing for a relationship with my mom.  When I left for college, I was set on the idea that I would finally do something for myself.  But I left with guilt because things just seemed to fall apart for my sister after I went away for college.  She ended up dropping out of high school and moving in with her boyfriend at the time.  I think she was only 16.  I had always wondered what would had happened if I never left.

After many years of therapy and sessions with the Comedian, my very own therapist, I know I'm not responsible for my younger sister.  I was too young to feel that responsible for her.  This feeling of responsibility affected my relationships with others because I felt like I had to save everyone.  Hence why I probably dated a lot of guys who needed saving.  Sigh... if I could count the ways.  I remember picking up an ex boyfriend at a bus stop just to hang out because he couldn't make it all the way.  It wasn't until I met the Comedian that finally I had someone to take care of me and vice versa.

The article in the Chicago Tribune suggests just as I described above, growing up too fast leaves scars on children's lives as they get older.  I laugh a little because I see the descriptions of some of these kids:

"A straight-A student comes home and starts supper, knowing she'll spend the evening listening to her dad talk about his troubled personal life."

"A young beauty-pageant contestant beams at her mom, who is proud to call her daughter her best friend."

I know people who have had these kinds of lives.  It's just interesting how our parents drag us back into our roles of the one that grew up too fast.  I still have the tendency to want to do everything for my family members.  I know it might be selfish but for my own well being and sanity, it is good to step back every now and then to let them figure it out.

How Much Does Social Media Influence Little Girls?

Recently, the Comedian and I broke into a debate about raising girls in the current environment with social media being such an influence.  I really had no idea how to argue his point.  I'm not a parent and I don't have experience with the psychology of a young person.  I'm not really sure how others are developed, I only know my own story.  There is some sort of fear of raising a child.  You don't know how they will grow up or what kind of adult you would be, one would just have faith that you would instill your values into this child and let them out in the world.  Does this ideal make us naive?

This conversation came up because of the recent album cover of Nikki Minaj.  Basically, her bare bottom is shown as she is bent down.  She has made a name for herself as a talented artist and young girls look up to her.  So does this make it okay to show our bodies in that manner?  What kind of message does that deliver to little kids?  Not too long ago, Kim Kardashian posted an Instagram photo with her in a revealing bathing suit that made us question the same.

Granted, when I was growing up, there were influences like Madonna and Cindi Lauper, however, I was very sheltered.  My parents never talked to me about sex and I was always told to dress conservatively.  My mom is an old school Catholic woman.  I remember she made a comment about my rebellious stage in college.  I used to show a lot of cleavage because I felt that if I was blessed to be endowed in that area, I should show it off.  She said that I had one side of my closet I wore around her and the other I didn't.  Ha!  I don't dress like that any more if you're wondering.  Something about not being 21 anymore changed my wardrobe.

After the conversation ended, I posted a question on Facebook asking the opinion of others.  Many felt strongly that is more difficult to raise girls in this generation than before because technology is so accessible.  Others said the jury was still out.  Children have influences from their friends where they might have cell phones at 7 years old and able to watch things that are not being supervised by parents.  There's a comedian, Louis C.K., who was asked by his 9 year old daughter whether she could have a cell phone, he told her, "No".  She questioned and he answered that she wasn't old enough to have a phone.  She rebutted that her friend had one.  He still said, "No".

The question is whether parents have enough influence on their children to become good adults, to not follow in the footsteps of pop stars showing off their sexuality and sending the wrong message to the opposite sex.  How do we really know?  The thing is, we don't.  We don't know how our children are going to turn out, however, we pray that they are healthy and lead good lives.  In the long run, we love them and want them to have the time of their lives like we did.

The Cycle

I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it. - Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City

Growth is inevitable. Well, at least to me. I have never envisioned myself to ever stay stagnant. To not continue learning about the world, life, and myself. I know I'm not perfect. I don't think anyone is. Everyone is their own definition of who they allowed themselves to be. Some are just unaware how they got to where they are. I remember in college, I had a roommate who was my friend, at the time, and she was doing a study on Puerto Ricans and their role in society. Because Puerto Ricans are citizens of the U.S., they are eligible for benefits like welfare which they take advantage of especially in low income neighborhoods. Her study was specifically in Chicago. Anyhow, she talked about the "Cycle of Poverty". I always found this interesting because it solidified the notion that sometimes we just don't know any better because we weren't taught. This idea basically meant that because these Puerto Ricans learned to live in poor conditions, survive in low income areas, and had no aspirations to live any other way, they passed on these traits to their children who continued the trend. Thus, ensuing a cycle that continued. Granted, there was always the exception but that's all it is, the exception, not the rule. I have always been a student of people. Learning their behavior, their reactions, and so on to understand why they would say the things they said or did the things they did. When I dated, it became a little bit of a challenge until I actually really liked the person and got really frustrated when they didn't see what I saw. The potential of a great thing. Luckily, God had a plan and landed me with the Comedian. I am forever grateful for that. I didn't learn very much from my parents. They did teach me to be a good person and to be considerate of people's feelings but I wasn't taught about money or love or how to deal with sketchy people. My mom was never really into makeup or clothes, she's a very plain woman. She's a peaceful, reserved woman. And I came out like a thunderbolt ready to strike the next social gathering. Plus she had straight hair. Not me...lol. Let's say, I've been referred to Shakira on a regular basis because of my wild curls. I learned how to blow dry my hair from my hair stylist, friends, and youtube. I learned how to apply makeup by the back of pallets of eyeshadow and youtube. This is because I wanted to be someone who wanted to be a bit more fashionable and I realized I never learned that from my mom. I LOVE shoes and she wonders why I have so many. My point out of all of this that you have the choice to decide who you want to be. Like Carrie from Sex and the City, I know that I will never be the perfect girl who can keep her clothes clean through a meal. Hell, for whatever reason I always manage to get something on myself. I will always be the person who walks accidentally into a pole or falls in public. But that's who I accept. Whatever I want to change, is my own choice. I know I won't every be a statistic unless it comes to cliche surveys on how many shoes I own. Love yourself and who you are. You are unique in your own right. If you don't like the situation you're in, change it. You are the designer of your life. Don't let excuses on why things aren't the way you planned get in the way. Because you are the only reason you got to where you are.

Who do I want to be?

A couple of nights ago, I was having a conversation with the Comedian about my last post. We talked about the human condition and our parents. I have always compared my parents to my friend's parents and wished I was in a different situation. I spent the majority of my teens and early twenties trying to figure out how to live life. My dad had left and my mom was never very emotionally available. During that time, I didn't have much guidance, all I knew is that I wanted to leave go away to college and that's what I did. I lived the cliche life of a lost college girl figuring it all out or letting my friends figure it out for me. My point after all of this is that I really didn't have much guidance during that time of my life. Finding my identity was not an easy feat but I don't believe it's an easy feat for anyone, I guess I personally found it difficult because I didn't have anyone to look up to.At the end of the day, everyone has a story. Someone's parents used to abuse them or their father was an alcoholic. I believe those traits might either give us character or we fall into the same pattern. (On a side note, I find this topic even more interesting because I started it a few days ago and on my way back from Miami this past weekend, the Comedian and I were listening to Joel Osteen who gave a sermon on a very similar topic... ahh serendipity). You, as a person, chooses whether you want to inherit your parent's habits. Some of make excuses for every day life, it's because its the way my mom did it or its because my dad had a temper. Life is really about choices. We choose our clothes each day, what time we wake up, whether we wear our hair up or down. It's maybe hard to comprehend but you do have a choice to be angry or upset. I believe I read this quote once:

"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours." ~Wayne Dyer

In Joel Osteen's message, he said you are the one who can break the personality trait and you choose whether you pass it down to your children. My point out of all of this is whether you have guidance or not, at the end of the day, you have the final choice on how you want to be as a person. It might be hard to believe, but once you consistently think positively and pay close attention to your actions, things will start to look different. People will start treating you differently. It's absolutely amazing.

You don't have to be your mother's habits or have your father's temper. You can be whomever you want to be. It's the beauty of the mind. It's yours.