The Cycle

I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it. - Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City

Growth is inevitable. Well, at least to me. I have never envisioned myself to ever stay stagnant. To not continue learning about the world, life, and myself. I know I'm not perfect. I don't think anyone is. Everyone is their own definition of who they allowed themselves to be. Some are just unaware how they got to where they are. I remember in college, I had a roommate who was my friend, at the time, and she was doing a study on Puerto Ricans and their role in society. Because Puerto Ricans are citizens of the U.S., they are eligible for benefits like welfare which they take advantage of especially in low income neighborhoods. Her study was specifically in Chicago. Anyhow, she talked about the "Cycle of Poverty". I always found this interesting because it solidified the notion that sometimes we just don't know any better because we weren't taught. This idea basically meant that because these Puerto Ricans learned to live in poor conditions, survive in low income areas, and had no aspirations to live any other way, they passed on these traits to their children who continued the trend. Thus, ensuing a cycle that continued. Granted, there was always the exception but that's all it is, the exception, not the rule. I have always been a student of people. Learning their behavior, their reactions, and so on to understand why they would say the things they said or did the things they did. When I dated, it became a little bit of a challenge until I actually really liked the person and got really frustrated when they didn't see what I saw. The potential of a great thing. Luckily, God had a plan and landed me with the Comedian. I am forever grateful for that. I didn't learn very much from my parents. They did teach me to be a good person and to be considerate of people's feelings but I wasn't taught about money or love or how to deal with sketchy people. My mom was never really into makeup or clothes, she's a very plain woman. She's a peaceful, reserved woman. And I came out like a thunderbolt ready to strike the next social gathering. Plus she had straight hair. Not me...lol. Let's say, I've been referred to Shakira on a regular basis because of my wild curls. I learned how to blow dry my hair from my hair stylist, friends, and youtube. I learned how to apply makeup by the back of pallets of eyeshadow and youtube. This is because I wanted to be someone who wanted to be a bit more fashionable and I realized I never learned that from my mom. I LOVE shoes and she wonders why I have so many. My point out of all of this that you have the choice to decide who you want to be. Like Carrie from Sex and the City, I know that I will never be the perfect girl who can keep her clothes clean through a meal. Hell, for whatever reason I always manage to get something on myself. I will always be the person who walks accidentally into a pole or falls in public. But that's who I accept. Whatever I want to change, is my own choice. I know I won't every be a statistic unless it comes to cliche surveys on how many shoes I own. Love yourself and who you are. You are unique in your own right. If you don't like the situation you're in, change it. You are the designer of your life. Don't let excuses on why things aren't the way you planned get in the way. Because you are the only reason you got to where you are.

Our Ego makes us Judge

"Judge not, that ye be not judged.  For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again." - Matthew 7:1-2 (KJV)

Society and the bible teaches us two different things.  All over social media someone is judging what someone is wearing, what they are doing, how they are doing, what their children look like, how many posts they put up a day and so on.  Reality TV has made a killing because viewers love a drama.  They want to live vicariously through people in situations they probably could not dream of being a part of whether it would be a love story or two girls having it out because their weave was pulled.  I mean there's a show on judging what someone was wearing on the red carpet.

I think sometimes we're so accustomed to judging and talking about other people that we lose sight of how we should really treat others.  I tell myself not to scrutinize someone because it is not right but there might be a little voice in my head that is saying otherwise.  God says not to judge because he created us in his image.  He will make the final decision on judgement day.  Whether you are Christian or not, the same holds true through most religions.  To be an honest person who embraces themselves and loves others.    I am told that I am to love everyone even if I don't agree with their decisions.

I guess this comes as difficult for me because all I've ever wanted to do is help people but in the long run I ended up just trying to make them more like myself.  My happiness is my own.  I have the yearn to teach other people but it has taken me a long time to recognize to give help when someone seeks it.  Someone once asked me,

"Why do you feel the need to teach them how to be grammatically more correct?  Is it for them or is it for you?"

I think in the end we're boosting our ego.  It's never for them.  It's to make us feel like we've done something to help even though they didn't ask for it.  I have sincerely been struggling with not trying to control others in what they do.  All control does is boost the ego.  I know I've spoken about ego in previous posts, its a false sense of making us feel better about ourselves.  Living on my own for such a long time, I realize that I might have become set in my ways and I have to search to find a way to stop the control.  Let life happen.

It's interesting because I've spoken to some of my guy friends who are planning weddings and they feel frazzled.  I think wedding planning has to be one of the most hectic things one might do because you want to control the outcome.  In reality, you can't.  You can do the best you can and know the day will be amazing regardless of the bumps in the road.  Once you let go, I know you will feel peace.  Work hard at it and things will find a way of working out the way God intended.

Positivity is your Destiny

This morning provided a new sense of motivation for myself. During my vacation from work, I decided to take the opportunity to really work on writing but where would this motivation come from? The Comedian sent me a text to listen to yesterday's message from Joel Osteen and everything was ignited. He touched on something I brought up yesterday. You are in charge of your destiny. If you decide to be negative, then negativity will follow you. If you decide to be positive then great things will happen. While watching a video the Comedian sent me, I saw this quote,

"I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it" - Thomas Jefferson

I've heard several stories through the years which drive me to work towards more dreams more diligently. For example, the author of Chicken Soup for the Soul, Jack Canfield, was searching for an idea that would take him out of his financial slum. He wrote himself a check for $100,000 and envisioned actually receiving the check. One day, he came up with the idea to sell articles for $1.00 each. Next thing you know, he sold 100,000 and made his goal. Jim Carrey wrote himself a check for $10 million when he was just starting his career in LA. Only a little time later, we was signed on to do Dumb and Dumber which paid him exactly that.

You're probably sitting there saying, that won't happen to me. What makes me so special. That's exactly it. You are bringing yourself down with your own self doubt. When you envision actually having the things you want, they will start to happen. God works in mysterious ways. When you take the time to listen to the positivity around you and stop clouding yourself with doubt, you will find that things will start happening in your favor.

All of my life people told me there was something special about me. I have yet to really discover what that is but I will not lose hope. I know that I am meant for something amazing. You know what, so are you! There is a quote I came up about a year or two ago,

"I refuse to believe misery is my destiny"

Don't let misery control you. You are the only one in charge of your destiny.

The Fall Air

Something about fall always brings back all kinds of memories. The smell of the air changes, even in Florida. There is something reminiscent of the holidays. I can't necessarily put my finger on it but normally I change, my emotions change. When I went away for college, I struggled with being separated from all that I knew. I put up a big wall saying that I could handle it because I'm a military brat, however, I really didn't understand that I needed the norm of my family life to bring me back to the ground. There were a lot of changes going on during that time of my life. My mom remarried, my sister moved away with her boyfriend at the time, and I didn't have the relationship I wanted with my father. I was struggling to find myself in a new world. For whatever reason I fell into a depression. After becoming suicidal, I went to counseling. He then diagnosed me with seasonal depression meaning that only during a certain time of the year, I became depressed. This was only the first occurrence.

Year after year, I would suffer a darkness during the fall. I wanted to be part of a family, I wanted a sense of normalcy, in my eyes. I tell you, there is nothing like wishing you had somewhere to celebrate where you felt accepted. I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with my family. I was so lost and incomplete. Instead of smelling the fall air, I would want to sleep until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. It was safer in my dark room.

Through the years, I became better at dealing with this darkness during the fall. It even skipped a few years until last year. It came back. The feeling of being alone. I couldn't look at anyone without breaking down and wanting to cry. There was no one there to save me until I saw The Secret. There was so much hope in that message. Hope that I didn't need a family to make me happy, I was already part of one. I was alienating myself because it was all about me. I finally opened my eyes and saw that what you bring to yourself is what you have. I am wealthy through my friends and family. Also, I learned you are NEVER alone. God has always and will always be there. He will be your family, your friend and most of you, your father.

There is no point in living in this world in a negative light. Everyone has their own personal drama to deal with. Everyone has a story. As I always say, what makes you who you are is not what you've been through but how you deal with it.

Daddy's Little Girl, I think...

One of the biggest thing I've struggled with through my 20's were abandonment issues.  I was talking to a friend of mine about my relationship with my father and what had transpired in the last 3 years.  My father and I never really had a close relationship growing up.  As previously discussed in other posts, he was in the Army pretty much all of my life.  From what I remember, he was normally working and traveling.  When I was about 11 years old, he traveled to Panama on business and really never moved back home.  My parents ended up divorcing right before I turned 14.  After that, he came around every so often to check in or send me money for school. At that time, I really became lost.  Even though he wasn't around, I felt the need to impress him.  I did really good in school to get his approval and when he left, it became pointless.  I did well in High School but as soon as I got to college, things just didn't work out the way I was accustomed to.  It might have been other factors, however, not having my Daddy around didn't help either.

When you might think of a girl having daddy issues, one of two things might come to mind.  She might be overly promiscuous and afraid of commitment or she might find relationship after relationship to fill that void of not having a father around.  I won't say where I stand but I can say I was afraid of commitment for a very long time.  It seemed as if I had sabotaged myself on several occasions where I might had been with a really good guy but I was just afraid he was going to leave me like my father did.  There was a point in my late 20's where I felt that I was never going to get married.  It became just a norm for me.  I was by myself, no one was close enough to hurt and leave me and I was content.

I did meet someone in my life who found it a hobby to figure me out.  In the long run, I think she really helped me learn to get close to someone.  I did have great friends in college who helped me through tough times but I think at this point I could really recognize my thoughts and why I felt the way I felt.  She would point out little nuances in things I would say and it kind of made me realize how close of a friend she really became.

About 3 years ago, for whatever reason, my father did come back into the picture full time.  I mean, an email almost every day and a phone call practically once a week.  After all of this time, I had to make some adjustments.  It was crazy because my abandonment issues started to become less and less apparent.  However, there would be moments after that which would make me relapse but the point is my father coming back into the picture did alleviate some of that pressure I was putting on myself.

It wasn't until February of this year, I really started to overcome those issues because I started going to church.  I felt the conviction of God weighing heavy on my heart and I had to forgive him for not being there all that time.  Trust me, I am so grateful he is back in my life.  I never realized until we've gotten close that I get a lot of my personality traits from him like sarcasm and the want to be a social butterfly.  He tells me stories about how I was his little baby and touches my heart.  To know he has always loved me the whole time.  These memories can never be taken away.

At the end of the day, that's all that matters.  Not the past, not the future but what is going on now.  Right now, my Daddy has become a great part of my life.  Forgiving him and all of the others that might have hurt me was the best thing I could have ever done.  For things to change, all you have to do is pray.  God has a plan and I know it's a great one. 

Is this your Reality?

Yet another conversation with the Comedian has inspired me today.  You know its a beautiful thing in a relationship when conversations spark a stream of creativity.  We have discussed in the past, other people's realities.  It's not easy to explain but when you become conscious by living in the present, the remedial things like gossip and drama that other people might emphasize don't matter to you.  In all honesty, I had some situations where I became bothered by someone else's reality.  You really just want to enjoy each moment as beautiful as it is.  When poison starts interrupting those moments, you become distracted and the goal is to get back to where you were.

I remembered, in watching The Secret, they mentioned that sometimes when you wake on the wrong side of the bed in the morning, it might create a whole day of negative energy but in reality as soon as you feel like you're going in that direction, you have every right to change your mood around.  Only you are in charge of your emotions and your surroundings.  That includes those who surround yourself with.  Another interesting book I've been reading, The 4-Hour Work Week by Timothy Ferriss, touches on the idea that the 5 closest people closest to you are a reflection of who you are.  It's been a long road, but I can honestly say that true with those very close to me.

I am reminded that everyone has their own reality and we are not one to change those realities.  We are to just accept them and only control our own destiny.  This past Sunday's sermon, Joel Osteen said, "Nothing you have done has canceled your destiny." God still has a plan for you.  It is your choice to listen.  If we want to live in a reality that fogs our vision to who we really want to become then we might not get there.  The way my life has changed in the last 9 months, I want to continue to choose a path of positive enlightenment.  What about you?

The Evolution of Val

The other day, I was perusing through my laptop and I came across some really old blogs from my college years.  I started read and reminisce over the drama, boy crazy, party girl phase of my life.  It's crazy to think that I've been writing blogs since 2004, almost 10 years ago.  It was on MySpace but at the time I felt like the next Puerto Rican Carrie Bradshaw. I have written down the way I felt since I was in middle school (I've read through those too).  Once, my sister took my diary in high school to the neighbor's house and read it out loud.  At the time, I was going through puberty and "discovering myself".  I thought the diary was private enough to write about...err... my experiences... but not then...lol.

Anyhow, I am in awe regarding the way I've progressed as a person.  Many of the same themes that have come through my head similar to the way I think now.  I believe a lot of this progression has to do with that one moment in life where you feel you hit rock bottom and commit to yourself that you don't want to be that person.  One of those moments happened to me when I was only 21.  I don't want to get into all of the gory details, that would be another blog.  You have to make a conscious decision that you want to be a certain person and stick with it, stick with it I did.  :-)

Life is a constant evolution.  I am a firm believer you should always be learning and bettering yourself.  The last time I felt like I was falling towards the bottom, I found positive thinking and God.  I doubt with those lessons by my side, I won't be at that place again.

I did go through my 20s dating all kinds of boys, learning new things about living as an adult and so much more.  I think my 30s are going to be fabulous.  Maybe in 10 years, I can reminisce again about the evolution of me.

Who do I want to be?

A couple of nights ago, I was having a conversation with the Comedian about my last post. We talked about the human condition and our parents. I have always compared my parents to my friend's parents and wished I was in a different situation. I spent the majority of my teens and early twenties trying to figure out how to live life. My dad had left and my mom was never very emotionally available. During that time, I didn't have much guidance, all I knew is that I wanted to leave go away to college and that's what I did. I lived the cliche life of a lost college girl figuring it all out or letting my friends figure it out for me. My point after all of this is that I really didn't have much guidance during that time of my life. Finding my identity was not an easy feat but I don't believe it's an easy feat for anyone, I guess I personally found it difficult because I didn't have anyone to look up to.At the end of the day, everyone has a story. Someone's parents used to abuse them or their father was an alcoholic. I believe those traits might either give us character or we fall into the same pattern. (On a side note, I find this topic even more interesting because I started it a few days ago and on my way back from Miami this past weekend, the Comedian and I were listening to Joel Osteen who gave a sermon on a very similar topic... ahh serendipity). You, as a person, chooses whether you want to inherit your parent's habits. Some of make excuses for every day life, it's because its the way my mom did it or its because my dad had a temper. Life is really about choices. We choose our clothes each day, what time we wake up, whether we wear our hair up or down. It's maybe hard to comprehend but you do have a choice to be angry or upset. I believe I read this quote once:

"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours." ~Wayne Dyer

In Joel Osteen's message, he said you are the one who can break the personality trait and you choose whether you pass it down to your children. My point out of all of this is whether you have guidance or not, at the end of the day, you have the final choice on how you want to be as a person. It might be hard to believe, but once you consistently think positively and pay close attention to your actions, things will start to look different. People will start treating you differently. It's absolutely amazing.

You don't have to be your mother's habits or have your father's temper. You can be whomever you want to be. It's the beauty of the mind. It's yours.

Where did all of this positive thinking come from...

I believe, one has to realize they need to make a change. I have always been a positive thinker but maybe up until 8 or 9 months ago, I wasn't content. I made myself think that my life was great and some aspects of it was. I had great friends and a great support system. I also had a social calendar that kept me busy for the most part but something had been missing. I had dealt with bouts of depression since I was in college. I always refused to take medication because I knew I could get through it. I did, however, whenever there was a trigger, I hit rock bottom. I remember days where I couldn't get out of bed and wanting to remain in the dark as well as all of the other things that came with it.

I really don't remember the exact order of events that changed me in the first month of the transition but I had been dating someone then I was rejected. We weren't in a relationship since it was fairly new but it was the rejection part that tore me into pieces. My depression was encircled by abandonment. When I felt abandoned, I just broke down. It was such a small trigger but I think it had been building up to that point.

After not being able to breathe and crying every moment I thought about the rejection, I told myself, I never want to feel this way again. I went to a meeting and I saw the movie, "The Secret". That then changed my life forever. I was on a new path. I realized that any negative thoughts would get me to that point again and I would live striving to be a positive thinker. One thing the movie based on the book with the same name showed me was to make a visual board. The things I would like to have in my life. I wrote on some index cards and put them next to my bed of things that I want out of life. One happened to be one that came to fruition shortly after. I asked to be a long term prosperous relationship. Not only 1 or 2 days later, I heard from someone that had made a huge impact on me when we were dating 2 years before. The interesting thing about him coming back into my life is that he also read The Secret and some other positive thinking books such as the Power of Now. Our conversations consisted of this positive thinking journey which I cherish to this day because those conversations continue. He is my boyfriend of 6 months and I am hopelessly in love.

A few months later, I started going to church with him. I realized the bible taught the same ideals. Negative thoughts are the devil messing with your head. He wants to bring you down. The bible teaches us to be positive, thankful and wishful thinkers. I continue to embrace these ideals and really be a positive and true friend to those around me whether we're close or not. You never know the impact you will leave on their lives by not being negative. In the words of Janet Perez Eckles, I would love to my purpose in life to be an inspiration to others to be positive as well. I know for a fact that on this path, I will not have to deal with depression again.

Why does it matter?

Being in a relationship like the one I'm in has opened my mind up to all kinds of things I would not have embarked on while being single. It's really the strangest feeling. When I was single, if I was dismissed by someone, my ego would take over and I would say to myself, this guy doesn't know what he's missing out on. I knew I had a lot to offer as a woman. Smart, funny, independent, confident, why wouldn't someone want that? Now, I'm in this amazing relationship and my insecurities are starting to surface more prevalently than before. I think its easy to dismiss when you're single because there's always another adventure, another guy, another friend but here you are in a committed relationship and everything is amazing, now I start to think, is it enough? Of course it is, this person isn't with you because you aren't worthy. You are so worthy.

It's crazy because I do have conversations with friends about their insecurities. Here I am on the outside looking and saying to myself, why does it matter? It shouldn't matter that he hasn't answered your text or liked your post on facebook within seconds of you texting or posting. He might be busy. If at the end of the day, he shows you how much he's into you then it doesn't matter. I think what women fail to realize that committed relationships is a change in lifestyle. I can vouch for someone that has always been independent in her life. I've taken care of myself to this point and its hard to let and accept that now you have to share your time, your resources with someone else. When you do have only yourself to depend on, vulnerability might be something difficult to handle.

I had a recent episode in the last week where my vulnerability was tested. I'll admit, I think that I am a perfectionist and when I realize that maybe I'm not so perfect, it beats on my ego a bit. Looking at yourself is so much more difficult than being on the outside because they are your emotions and your feelings, not someone else's you can give advice to and not have to deal with the consequences.

Luckily for myself, my boyfriend and I had decided to have God at the center of the relationship. Not that I want to preach to anyone but when you realize that you are truly perfect as God intended you to be, it is so much easier to enjoy your love. When I had my episode I realized, it was the devil trying to dilute our relationship with my ego. Such a revelation, so simple. Love is meant to be joyful. Don't let negativity, insecurity and ego cloud your vision.

It's interesting because I've heard a comedian once say "If anyone ruins the relationship its the woman". I hate to be an advocate for that thought but I can see where there comes from. Women get so insecure with a man's simplicity it makes us see things that don't exist. I've said this in a previous blog, real men are simple. If they want something, they get it. If they want you, they will tell you. When we do all this second guessing, it makes women go crazy. Trust his judgement, be on his side. When you start becoming and instigator, watch yourself and what your actions. Stop and think, "why does it matter?"