10 Ways You Know You're in a Good Relationship

As you all know I am a relationship know-it-all, I can look at any couple and tell you how long they will last. If you believe this statement, then you are a fool. I am no expert, but I have had my heart broken and stepped on like the doormat. But I learn from my mistakes I can tell some definite signs that you are in a good relationship and since I'm in one, I can live to tell the tell. Here they are...

1. You are physically and mentally healthier.

   I have always struggled with my weight and my analytical mind. I have come to find that this amazing, handsome specimen calms my fears and pumps me up. I am in the best shape of my life and have a healthier, mind, body and soul.

2. No more "I can't" or "I won't."

   It hit me one day that I have to get to know myself again; I am no longer living in a bubble scared to go outside. I am in a relationship that has expanded my horizons.  In the past, I thought I was too dumb to do some of  the things that I am doing now. It's an amazing feeling to have someone that runs with you instead of holding you back. When you're with someone that speaks positively about you and to you, it helps change yourself talk to be more positive. The world unlocks itself when you take I can't, or I won't get out of your vocabulary.

3. Your goals are getting achieved.

   Firstly my goals are a lot higher or harder to reach, and I achieve them. I am with someone that is a go-getter, and he helps me with my goals, and we even have goals as a couple. We have a life that we are working towards achieving and it’s a great feeling to have someone that is growing with you.

4. Life is easier.

   I use to get so frustrated with things not working out, I've come to find that my man makes me laugh at these moments. He sees me for the imperfect person I am, and I don't feel stupid or ashamed; I feel heard and understood. Life gets a lot easier when you're laughing through the mistakes and failures as well as the good times.

5. The giving and the taking feels natural and equal.

   There might be days where I don't do as much around the house, and my man does the dishes and wipes the counters. We are are not counting who did what, we are picking up where the other left off; we are a team.

6. Less fighting more laughing.

   We hardly fight, I think we can we have fought once. I'm not saying that your relationship isn't good because you fight. We have been through some pretty stressful situations, and somehow we don't fight, it's just us. When one of us is upset or says something or does something snappy we call each other out on it and the person apologizing, and we move forward. It's not about the lack of fighting but about how you move forward when you do.

7. Honesty is the best policy.

   We always tell each other the truth, the brutal truth which sometimes means like I said in number 6 that you get called out. It might sting a little, but I would rather have a partner that helps me grow and be better than someone that keeps me stagnant just to save my feelings.

8. No secrets.

   You keep one secret from your partner and the secrets turn into the book of secrets, and soon it's what's keeping you from being honest with your partner. We made a rule always to tell the truth and say it as nicely as you can. Some things should only be between you and your partner and when you have that be sacred your relationship will follow. I will not let anyone or anything come in the way of my partner and me; he is the most important being. His secrets are my secrets, and that's what has brought us closer together.

9. Hours of talking and the honeymoon stage has ended.

   My man and I miss some important moments in our lives because we are too busy talking. We missed the Eiffel Tower lit up at night because we were chatty Kathy's in the hotel room. We are always late to meet friends because caught up in some conversation. We have been dating two years soon, and we still talk like we have just met. We talk about everything under the sun, and it's weird because we are with each other 24/7 together.  It also makes talking about hard things easier; we talk to understand not to respond.

10. Never stop choosing your partner first.

    I think this is the most important thing; your relationship will never work out if you don't put your partner first. I have had to tell myself "This person is my family and no one else matters." you start choosing your hobby or friends over the person and you might as well just wave your relationship goodbye. I'm not saying you can't see your friends, but everything comes in balance.

I hope your relationship is as good as mine and I'd love to keep adding to this list so comment below on what you think makes a good relationship.

Follow me on Facebook at Heidi Mae Searle

And Instagram @heidimaesearle

XOXO

The Ultimate Dating Basket Giveaway

March madness is among us!  Coming from a University of Florida Gator, this time reminds me of the years I was there when we won 3 championships in 2 years (2 basketball and 1 football).  In commemoration of great times, I felt it was time for a giveaway.

I've talked about them so many times in my blog and in our podcast, Love Bits and Bytes, that it's only right you should have them for yourself.  Included in the basket are two of our favorite books:

• The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
• Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey

Not only that, we want you to put your dating chops to the test.  I have also included a $25 Darden restaurant gift card plus something spicy to end your night (if everything went well).

This is a great basket for both guys and gals.  Make this a great opportunity to get something for yourself, take your significant other on a long-awaited date, and it's free.  Just enter below.

The contest will start on March 15th, 2017 and end on March 30th, 2017.  The winner will be announced on April 4th during the Love Bits and Bytes podcast.

Only one winner will be chosen.  You must be over the age of 18 and located in the continental U.S.

You can find out additional ways to enter this giveaway after submitting your email address.

Enter below for the Ultimate Basket Giveaway!

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Online Dating - You're Doing It Wrong

Smartphones and apps have opened the floodgates of free online dating. And why not? You can meet lots of interesting people online - more than you'll meet in a loud, smoky bar. You can filter them to make sure their age, appearance, background, and interests are compatible with yours. And it's fun. Research firm GlobalWebIndex reported in 2015 that 91 million people are using apps like Tinder. Why not? Tinder has millions and millions of users. Surely the person you're looking for has an account.

NEEDLE, MEET HAYSTACK

Maybe so. But Tinder's strength - that it is so widely used - is also its weakness. You're not looking to date millions of people. You're looking to find a particular someone.

General-purpose apps and dating websites try to convince you that having lots of members is a benefit. But in most cases, such sites are a waste of time. (That's one reason their customer ratings are so low.)

Suppose you’re interested solely in guys with beards. Or maybe someone who shares your religious background. A general-purpose dating app may let you set filters so you see only members who match your criteria.

But that doesn’t mean you’ll find lots of them. Like you, people in niche categories find general-interest dating sites and apps frustrating, inefficient, and boring. So you don’t find them there.

A MATTER OF FOCUS

Luckily, savvy website operators have created specialized dating sites for people with particular interests. You can now find a website to help you connect with guys with beards, or fellow Catholics, or big beautiful women, or guys with children, or women with tattoos, or married people interested in discreet relationships, or...well, you name it!

A niche dating site is more efficient because you don't have to wade through the profiles of lots of people who don't match your interests. Better yet, such a site is a community of people who share your attraction. You'll enjoy a real sense of community at a niche site. You can pick up useful online dating tips, chat with like-minded singles, and compare experiences.

A niche site attracts precisely the people you are looking for. And because it rewards their searches with qualified potential partners, they stay active. They tell their friends. The site becomes more and more useful over time.

Best of all, you can be sure that you'll find just the kind of dating partner you're looking for.

Let other singles waste their time swiping left and swiping right on Tinder. You're better off with a niche dating website where you can meet exactly who you're looking for.

Contributed by Dating VIP

What to Expect When... Getting Married

First and foremost, I have a couple of announcements.  The podcast is coming back!  After a year and a half in hibernation, I knew it was time to bring it back.  But this time, there will be a new format and a cohost.  I am super excited because we recorded some of the shows today and the banter is just fantastic.  Look out for the first episode this week. The other day, the comedian and I were talking about preparation for marriage.  When you buy a car or have a baby, some people take the time to do their research before finalizing on a decision.  Why don't we do that when we decide to get married?  I lucked out in the sense that the Comedian was extremely adamant about building a foundation before making any serious moves, like getting married or having children.  You can't fix a relationship that's already broken.

There are some people out there that believe a child can put a band-aid on a serious problem or that sex is the solution to avoiding a relationship.  It's kind of like alcoholism.  The problems just don't disappear because your mind is somewhere else.  They will be there when you get back.  I had a good friend of mine was going through a divorce and decided to move across the country from Orlando to LA in hopes that a change of scenery would bring him back to his usual self.  Unfortunately, it didn't.  He went into a little bit of a depression and decided to move back.  In reality, his support system was here in Orlando.  The people around him nursed him back to himself, and he was able to date again.

I'm not saying our system is perfect, but we can both say we know the other person well.  The Comedian promises he has more romantic gestures up his sleeves and those are the kinds of surprises I like.  There is a reason the court in Florida gives you a discount on your marriage certificate when you take a course before getting hitched.  Marriage is supposed to be forever.  That's what we all say in our vows.  Take the time to read some books together or try one of those "get to know you" questionnaires they have on Pinterest.  I've done a few of those with the Comedian early in our relationship.  I'll even add a link to a few for good measure.

Many of us women have this dream of finally being loved by our prince charming.  I know it's easier said than done but take the time out to get to know your prince before he becomes your King.  He could very well be a frog.

Here are some books to read together and links to those questionnaires I promised.

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married

100 Random Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend

40 Personal Questions to Ask Your boyfriend

13 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

2016 - A Year in Review

I'd like to think this "Year in Review" idea could be an annual thing.  I like to reflect on the past year and its triumphs and challenges.  I really began this year in a good place as I was planning my wedding to The Comedian.  There were hopes and dreams that I wanted to accomplish.

Year in Review

I was working at a job where I loved the people, but as the year wore on, so did the job.  I worked from 8 am to 6 or 7 PM on some days plus going outside in a construction environment did not weigh very well on my energy.  I started losing myself.  I didn't feel that I had the energy to work on the one thing that brought me life, this blog.  Not only that, I struggled to lose weight for the big day.  I remember lying in bed with The Comedian after a long heated discussion about following our dreams.  He felt that I was losing my passion.  I sincerely was just in a rut.  I told him that by the end of the year, I would quit my job and pursue freelance writing full-time.  This would give me the opportunity to focus on what I loved most, writing.

Luckily, after a few craigslist posts, I found some great clients who both gave me the opportunity to quit my job and still make enough money to support myself.  I was on a roll.  My goal came to life.  This past holiday season has been full of meetings and pursuing even more clients.  Val's Bytes will not be left behind either.  Look out for new podcasts in a different format in 2017.

I have been to two weddings this year, including my own.  I don't remember any baby showers.  And I was given the greatest gift of all, a husband who supports my every endeavor.

As I reflect back on this year, I think about all of the negative things that happened.  The shooting at Pulse Shooting Pulse Nightclub in my hometown of Orlando, deaths of so many celebrities including Prince, and the emotional stress of working a job that drained me both mentally and physically.

Create a Your Own Destiny

But I am grateful for changes that occurred that brought me closer to what is on my vision board.  As a challenge to you, I want you to create your own vision board (I will put mine down below).  If you visualize and pray for the things in life you want, they will come.  Keep a positive outlook and don't let negative thoughts enter your mind.  The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle says,

“See if you can catch yourself complaining, in either speech or thought, about a situation you find yourself in, what other people do or say, your surroundings, your life situation, even the weather. To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.”

A goal without a plan is a dream (I saw this in a meme the other day).  With this year in review, I want you to create an opportunity for success.  Visualize the things you want, keep a positive mindset, and those things will come.  I know because it has happened to me.

Happy New Year!

The Settler vs The Reacher

Coincidently, when it comes to figuring out to post, life usually hands me a lemon.  In this case, I was binging on How I Met Your Mother (for the second time) and I came across this episode where Marshall is told he's the "reacher" and Lily is the "settler" in their relationship.  Of course, there's a funny plot twist where Lily eventually gets jealous of Marshall when he's kissed by a beautiful woman who she ends up knocking out. Around the same time, I was talking to a friend of mine regarding his latest conquest.  He has been adamant about not having a relationship.  He had been married then in a long relationship before moving to his new town and had no interest in getting serious with anyone else.  Let's just say; my friend looks like John Cena.  He is attractive and motivated but has no interest in settling down.  The woman he started dating is very well off but even after his plea to not get attached, she got attached.  She is the reacher because she was trying hard to change his mind or impress him so that he would settle down with her.  This is a classic case of a settler and reacher.

During my time dating, there was a long period where I had no interest in settling down or getting married.  Yes, I might have had a boyfriend in my early 20s but marriage was so far gone out of my mind, I had no plans to do it until I was ready.  Like my 30s.  At that time, I dated a lot of umm "mimbos" (really good looking men with no intellect whatsoever).  I think it was a conquest for myself because I considered myself an ugly duckling (Insert horrible 90s school photo here -Thanks James!).

When I discovered hair gel, mousse, makeup, and tweezer, I found I could use my intelligence for my benefit.   Bring on the handsome men!  I didn't commit to anyone of these people because I didn't want to be the settler.

After a while, and my ex-fiance, I realized that I didn't want to go down that route anymore.  I was 27 and finally ready to realize that maybe I should find someone.  I now became the reacher.  The men I did like, I tried too hard, and the men who were not smart just turned me off.  I remember I dated this guy with a gold grill.  I couldn't bring him around my friends.  When he told me he was falling for me, I freaked out.  How did this happen???

I realized that even at one point I was reaching for someone who wasn't even my type.  I learned that the mental connection was all that I needed.  It was my love language, quality time.  Regardless, he was a commitophobe, and that didn't work out in the long run.

After watching that episode of How I Met Your Mother, I started to wonder if I was the settler or the reacher in the relationship.  I think at this point; I don't think I'm either.  I think both the Comedian and I bring great qualities to the table.  I guess I'll let you be the judge.

No One Wants to Hear about a Happy Relationship

“No one wants to hear about a happy relationship.”  That’s the Comedian said after doing a bit on stage.  Before he told a joke, he would run it by me to ask whether it was okay.  I honestly didn’t mind.  I knew it was an exaggerated version of our reality.  Once, a woman pulled me to the side after he performed on stage and said, “You don’t have to let him talk about you like that.”

Sincerely, it was okay.  I had gotten comfortable with being the butt of 90% of his jokes.  In all seriousness, comedians talk about what they know, and if they spend most of their lives with you, then you will be the butt of their jokes.  I usually laugh it off and say “I signed up for this when I decided to date a comedian.”

It’s the same as being a dating blogger.  I spent countless hours talking about my latest conquests and how the majority of them went wrong.  Now, that I’m in a happy marriage with the comedian, I am scrambling for good material.  I have no issues talking about myself but who really wants to read about a happy relationship?

It’s true.  Most of us watch reality TV because we feel that if this rich person’s life is falling apart in front of us, then maybe we aren’t so bad. These past few weeks, a lot of people approach the Comedian and me and ask, “How’s married life?”

I sincerely don’t know how to answer.  It’s great.  Nothing has changed.  We are still two creative peas in a pod just trying to make our way in the world.  He’s the type of person who can make you laugh and the next hour has a serious conversation about the development of society.  It’s crazy to have found this combination in a person, but it works. Someone told me to

enjoy this time because you never know when things will change.

She is right.  I’ve seen my friends go through ups and downs in their marriages.  But the strong always prevail.  I admire the strength in understanding your partner, and when things get tough, they are really there for you.

The comedian even said in his vows that you need someone to grow with you and push you to be the best version of yourself.  I would like to challenge everyone to talk about their happy relationship.  It might make the idea of finding the right partner much less stressful.  He is out there.

On a side note... our wedding video is out!

I hope you enjoy!

https://vimeo.com/191169594

Why Technology is Killing Intimacy

I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts yesterday, Heather Dubrow's World, by one of the housewives of Orange County.  Heather Dubrow had Dr. Drew Pinsky on her show, and he mentioned something that got me thinking.  Technology has gotten in the way of intimacy. What do I mean by this?  Well, apps like Tinder give people the ability to choose by looks alone.  I know some might look a little deeper as they probably want to get to the know the person before they swipe right.  But it also allows a person to have more than one match at a time.  When I was single, I was guilty of the same thing.  I would talk to 5 guys at a time (that was my limit before I started mixing up stories).  Also, because the connection is superficial, it will probably end up in a hook up rather than a relationship.  I'm not saying that someone could not end up finding the love of their life on Tinder, however, that is the "exception, not the rule" (Yep, that's from "He's Just Not That Into You", it's a great movie that debunks a lot of dating faux pas).

Also, there's texting and emails.  I have about ten years of professional experience under my belt.  As younger people come into the workforce, I notice one annoying habit; they don't pick up the damn phone!  Instead of chasing down a customer for an answer before delivery, they send an email.  Then their excuse is, "well, he hasn't answered my email yet."  Really????  Call the guy, leave a voicemail, make some effort.  This is the same idea in a relationship.  How does one add intimacy in a relationship when they are just texting?  I have been guilty of the same thing.  As a matter of fact, the Comedian, who is older and wiser, does point out that the conversation could be resolved faster if I just made a phone call.  It's a generational thing.

Needless to say, we have allowed texting to be a replacement for a normal conversation.  People even break up through text messages.  There is something to be said about those people who put their phone away while spending time with friends, family, or their significant other.  They have the right idea.  We are losing the ability to have intimacy in any relationship because we have a phone up to our face about 75% of the time.

If you're looking for a real, intimate, relationship, try a dating site like Match.com or eHarmony.  Then take the time to qualify the person by talking to them on the phone.  You don't have to meet them in person, but you will have a better chance of real intimacy if you just talk to someone.

I'm Officially Mrs. Comedian!

I’ve officially been married to the Comedian for a month and two days.  I know I’m a bit late on relaying my experience but what better time before a long weekend to indulge in some wedding highs and lows. Overall, it was exactly what I wanted.  A big party.  I couldn’t have asked for a better group of people to celebrate such a special occasion.  Everyone asked what I wanted out of the wedding, and my reply was simple: good food and good music.  We had both!

For those who don’t know, I’m obsessed with sharing how Orlando is not just a town for theme parks.  There is so much else to see and try.  Because of this, I chose a wedding venue that embraced old Orlando

and what it used to be with some Spanish flair.  We had our wedding at tapas restaurant named Ceviche located right in the heart of downtown Orlando.  The brick streets and old buildings give the whole area of Church Street it’s character.  I could go into ghost stories about this particular area, but that would be an entirely different blog.  I have frequented this restaurant with a good friend of mine plenty of times to talk about business and life over champagne and great food.  The details in the woodwork all over the restaurant took me over the edge.  I was sold.  I had gone to other venues, but they didn’t appeal to me nearly as much.  The Comedian and I are a unique, creative couple and the venue needed to embody that.

A few months before the wedding, everything started to hit me hard.  I was struggling with the financials.  How was I going to pay for everything?  Then it hit me.  The florist I initially hired went bankrupt.  Say what?!?!  I went into a panic mode.  Kelly, the event coordinator at Ceviche, came to my rescue.  She gave me a couple of names, and I was put in touch with Jaimz at Florida Flowers and Orchids.  She quoted me less than the original florist, and the flowers turned out amazing.  The biggest debacle with this was, I had already paid in full.  Since the services were not rendered, the bank was able to help me out and I was credited the money for the flowers.

Situation diverted.

Finally, the day had arrived.  We had the rehearsal the night before and then I went out with friends, walked

to the gorgeous Grand Bohemian hotel, and spent my last night as a single person alone.  It was nice to have a big king size bed to myself without a snoring dog an earshot.  (I do love Rosco, but he can be loud).

I woke up the day of the wedding around 8 am like a little girl on Christmas morning, took a shower, and met my sister and some friends for breakfast at this cute little French bistro in downtown Orlando called Le Gourmet Break.  I believe the owner makes the croissants and they are to die for!  We went back to the hotel to start the process of getting ready.  My hairstylist and make-up artist, Karen from the Karmel Design Team, got there around 11 AM.  She started on me to get me prepped, and I sat in a robe the majority of the day pacing around.  I did hire a wedding coordinator from Events Unlimited by M, Maria, who was my saving grace.  I could not imagine worrying about setting up the wedding and all of the chaos that must have ensued without me knowing.   I would have paid so much more for her (thanks for the family discount!).  I am a little OCD when it comes to things getting done so it was hard for me to sit still and I kept thinking of new things that would come up.

After the bridesmaids were done with their makeup and hair.  Karen sat me down to start the process of making me a bride.  At the same time, Stephanie, my photographer from Lily Lu Photography, and Rose from Sophia Rose Photography and Film showed up.  They started asking me a slew of questions, and I was immediately overwhelmed.  I think it’s because, as a bride, we want everything to be perfect.  We want to give the right answer quickly so that nothing is missed.

My makeup was now done, and I was posing.  The flowers arrived, and things were moving.  I think the next 30 minutes to an hour were a complete blur.  My best friend from college, Hanio, and his wife had gifted us with transportation from their company Airport Super Express based out of Miami.  He was a little lost, and I tasked one of my bridesmaids to give him directions.  The blur ensued.

We got downstairs to the van and left to the venue which was a block away.  (Who wants to walk downtown in a wedding dress?)  We all walked into the venue, the bridesmaids, parents and more were all lined up while I hid from the Comedian with both my mom and dad.  Then the moment came, I walked down the aisle to my cousin playing guitar.  I was speechless.  The roses lined down the aisle, and the smile on the Comedian’s face was all I ever dreamed of.  It was sincerely a perfect moment.  Our pastor was funny, and the vows were touching.  This was it… we were married!

We took pictures then headed to the reception.  When we entered, the rest was another blur.  Time flew.  The Comedian and I had our first dance; then I dance with my dad which is another dream of mine.  With all that we have been through as father and daughter, this was the only moment I would had ever asked for.  Thank you, Daddy, for giving that to me… now I’m starting to tear up.  Back to the party.

We ate, said hi to everyone, the photo booth arrived (thanks mom for the gift!); we took some more pictures, and the speeches were given.  Savier, the Beard from The Beard and the Mole, and my sisters spoke with heartfelt verses in front of the crowd.  Then we danced.  DJ Sparks put on such a great party.  I did not expect anything less.  We picked him up from another wedding that had the same result.

After all was said and done, we found a petty cab downstairs, and I drove off into the distance (well the hotel) with my husband.

I honestly could not have asked for a better night.  Thank you, everyone, who helped during this crazy time!

P.S.  I don’t have the professional pics yet, but when I do, I promise to share.  In the meantime, here’s a trailer from Sophia Rose.

https://vimeo.com/190464051

The Truth to Matchmaking

It seems every time I meet a guy friend of The Comedian's, I get asked, do I have any single girlfriends.  The answer is, yes, I do.  Whether I feel they are an appropriate match for that person is a biased opinion. Hooking people up or matchmaking is a science.  You can't just hook two people up all willy nilly.  The Comedian believes I have a sickness because I'm always trying to hook people up.  Yes, I do think if there's an opportunity, I will jump on it and try to get two people together.  I love LOVE and I want people to be in love like I am.  It's just not that simple.  After I have made the grave error of trying to put two people together, I realize that they are not ready for a relationship or they simply don't want one.

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day.  We were talking about matchmaking.  I had come across a friend who is a great catch.  Granted, he doesn't live in Florida. What I didn't express to her was that he was in no position to be in a relationship.  He simply didn't want one.  Rather than pushing some romanticized idea down a man's throat, I would rather leave him alone until he's ready and willing to make the jump.  A couple of instances I was fortunate in matchmaking, both the guy and girl were looking for relationships.  One example, in particular, I met this guy when I was single who's personality did not mesh with mine romantically.  He explained to me what he was looking for in a relationship.  A light bulb went off because I knew someone who fit his criteria to a "T."  I strategically brought him to a place I knew she would be and five years later, they are still together.

Another caveat is some people want relationships without being ready for one.  There's something to be said about doing the work on yourself before entering into a committed relationship with someone who is mentally stable.  I always tell people,

You can't be happy with someone else if you are not happy with yourself.

I worked a lot on myself before going into a relationship.  There were a lot of frogs I had to kiss before I found my prince charming.  What I find interesting about them is that many of them are still single.  I think what drove me the craziest in my single life was the lack of consideration a man would have for my time.  If you make plans, either stick to them or cancel them.  Sigh... some guys are just cowards.

Anyhow, I see some of my girlfriends struggle with dating.  I get it.  It's tough out there, however, if you're confident, love yourself, and recognize that when someone likes you that you respect their feelings, then you are ready for love.  I also say,

You have to be the person you want to be in a relationship before you are in a relationship.

If you think it's totally acceptable to go out with your girls three times a week, that's fine.  But think of how someone you might be interested in would perceive that imagery.  If you're looking for someone to party with, then you might be doing right by you.  A real man is looking for someone he can enjoy his life with.  He doesn't want to fight over petty things or worries that you might dive into a deep depression because he forgot this was the anniversary of your first kiss.

Matchmaking is not a simple hook up, at least it isn't for me.  Real love deserves thought.

Wedding Cake Rant

I have a confession... I don't like cake.  This is my struggle.  The wedding industry is telling me I have to spend $500 on something I don't like to eat.  My fiance, however, does like cake so the battle is not completely lost.  I really do want to get a cake to do the whole "shove the cake in your husband's face" thing BUT I just have a really hard time with all of the insane price tags. You could say I'm unconventional but that's what makes me... well me.  I didn't grow up thinking I would have a huge elaborate wedding, I'm not a princess.  If someone else puts a tiara on my head... I'm going to scream.  I am a people lover.  When I realized marriage was a reality I started planning things I would totally be okay with.  I grew up liking Spanish guitars because my father, uncles, and cousins played guitar.  It was a part of my life so I wanted to integrate that into the ceremony.  The rest... well I want a party.  Where everyone is smiling, laughing, having a great time, and celebrating our marriage.  That's what I want.

My real question is... why is everything so freakin' expensive?  I will be honest.  Maybe I'm super frugal but the idea of spending more than $500 on a wedding dress was so hard for me to digest.  I couldn't swallow the price tag.  I tried watching "Say Yes to the Dress" but I heard the amount these girls were spending for a dress they would wear once and I almost fainted.  I also got a call from a boutique and they told me their starting price was $3000.  Say what?! Why?

I don't want to negate anyone else's dream.  This is just my perspective.  If you have the financial ability to spend anything you want on a wedding, go for it.  I can't.  I am grateful to those who are assisting us.  I definitely could not afford this festival of food and fun without you.

I'm just asking, can I spend less than $500 on a cake or invitations most people will throw away?  Can I not have to DIY everything?  Can I spend as little as possible and still have the night of our lives?  That is my current mission.  I just wish that when someone mentions the word "wedding" the price tag didn't jump three times.

"What if?" is a scary phrase

Recently, a close friend of mine lost his father.  It got me to thinking about my relationship with my father.  Naturally, the first thing I think is that life is fleeting.  People come and go, bad things happen, good things happen, you have great relationships, and wonderful memories.  Some of those moments lead us to hours of therapy that I'm not sure how I paid for. Anyhow, I didn't have a really close relationship with my father growing up.  He just wasn't around.

Growing up in the military has it's unconventional moments.  First, I never had a friend for more than 2 years.  Not that I was a bad friend but they would move away.  I remember my best friend from elementary school moved to Alaska.  I mean... how were we going to stay friends without the internet?  Second, my dad would spend overnights on base or at training.  He wasn't home very often.  He retired for a short period of time, didn't like being a civilian, and got right back in.  Which led him to Panama.  Needless to say, my dad missed the most awkward parts of my life, the teenage years.  There were a lot of factors in him not being around and I'm not 100% sure about a lot of it.

When I was about 27 years old, my dad came out of the woodworks and established an ongoing relationship with me.  I can't say I see him all of the time but we do email each other on a regular basis and I have finally learned where my personality came from.

Back to death, I still wonder what the future holds with my father.  Even in the wedding planning process, getting an answer out of him is a bit nerve wracking.  I would really like him to be a part of my future kid's lives and want him to come up to Orlando more often.  This could be a cry but I don't want to think "what if".  Parts of me don't want to make the effort but if life is so fleeting, maybe I should so that I could have that relationship that I want with my father.

Gosh!  That's all I really want... a better relationship before it's too late.

Wedding Planning is for the Birds

If anyone really, really knows me, I sincerely don’t like being the center of attention.  I like to meander through the crowd getting to know people one on one.  Shoot, I always turn beet red when people start singing “Happy Birthday” to me.  Being put right in the spotlight is not really my thing.  So what does that say for my experience in becoming a bride?  I’ll tell you.  I have this sensation of anxiety anytime anyone asks me, “So how is the wedding planning going?” Again, if you really know me, you know that I’m a hustler and I don’t like to wait to get things done.  With that being said, almost everything is planned except for the wedding cake, bridesmaids dress, and other tiny little details.  I do operations for a living people!  Haha!  I guess my only real anxiety with wedding planning is finding the finances to pay for it.  I have always been good with saving, however, this expense is a little bit out of my reach.  Our parents have been great in helping us out financially but it’s just not enough.  I’m not sure how else other people stress out about the details.  Maybe it’s the fact they want to please everyone on their guest list and they want to everything to be perfect.  However, I’ve learned over time that nothing ever comes out exactly the way you planned.

I’ve expressed my anxiety of wedding planning to some people and they tell me, “Just enjoy the process”.  I do like to put together parties but I also like to know that I can afford things.  Don’t get me wrong, we’re not desperately poor by any means, we’re just middle class Americans trying to plan something close to the wedding of our dreams.  I just didn’t realize flowers cost so much!  It’s crazy that I saved almost $100 by removing 1 rose from each of the centerpieces.  Insane!  If I had all the money in the world, I would cover the whole room in flowers and have flamenco dancers and a photo booth.

We have been blessed by some great people who are doing us favors.  I am truly grateful for that fact.  My next endeavor is to do this timeline.  Seriously, I didn’t know each and every detail needed to be planned out.  I guess the bridezillas of the world have created extra work for us more laid back types.

On a happier note, we got some of our engagement photos in!  Enjoy!

5 Steps on Flirting at the Bar

I love these wedding pictures of the Comedian and I from New York.  There were way too many props for the photo booths and goodies given out on the dance floor.  Definitely a time I will remember for the rest of my life, but I digress.  We're here to give you tips, tips for the ladies.  I know it might be intimidating but let me hold your hand through this process.  Don't forget to be yourself and have fun! Yes, normally, a bar is not a great place to meet a significant other, however, you never know.  Why jeopardize an opportunity when it presents itself?  As a woman, the social stigma is to allow the guy pursue you, however, if someone catches your eye why not make yourself available to be pursued.

1.  Take a quick glance

Remember, most men find hitting on a woman intimidating especially when she is out with her girlfriends.  If you catch someone looking at you and he tickles your fancy, give him a quick smile then turn your head back to your friends and casually continue talking.  The test is the second glance.  If you catch him looking at you again, look at him, bat your flirting eyelashes, and smile again.

2.  Divide and Conquer

You must separate yourself from your friends.  Let them know someone caught your eye and you are going to give him the opportunity to speak to you.  Just in case something wrong happens, they know where you went.  If the guy is interested, he will approach you.  By leaving your friends, you made the

situation less intimidating.  It might be hard to fathom but a group of women can be scary.

3.  OMG!  He's coming over?!

When he does approach you, just say “hi, how are you?”  Don’t come on too strong by starting your whole life story.  You don’t want to scare this guy off.  He will continue the conversation and if he is truly interested in getting to know you, he will start asking questions about you.

4.  Let the drinks start rollin' in

If you hit it off in conversation, he will more than likely offer to buy you a drink.  If he does, accept it but do keep on an eye on that drink but keep your drink minimum to 2 or 3 at most depending on your tolerance.  You don’t want to get drunk and do things you might regret.  Drunk flirting can get you in situations you might not be ready for.  You don't want to accidentally tell him about the time you got in trouble for a hit and run right off the bat.  As my friend Los says,

"Only release a little crazy at a time."

5.  To date or not to date? 

There is a possibility this guy might become inappropriate.  If he makes a sexual reference right off the bat, just tell him it was nice to meet him and go back to your friends.  Remember, you are flirting in a bar.  You are the one in power of the conversation.  If he is truly interested in getting to know you, he will not bring up sex the first time you meet.

Finally, if the vibe is great, exchange numbers and go back to your friends.  Don’t forget the real reason you went to the bar, to spend time with the people who will love you no matter what.  So sashay your way back to your cooing friends and fill them in on the juicy information.

You're going to rue the day... You started my dream

I’ll be completely transparent, I was let go from my 9-5 job on Monday. Most people would think I would be distraught with thoughts going through my head like, “Oh, no! What am I going to do?” or “I can’t believe this horrible b**ch let me go. She’s going to rue the day she made that decision!” But no, that’s not how I feel at all. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

You see, prayer is a very powerful thing, as much as some people might choose to believe or not to believe. I wrote a blog post a few weeks ago and I got a lot of praise from it after I prayed to God about my path the night before. I was a bad Christian and I hadn’t prayed in a while until Monday morning when I simply said, “Let me know where my path to living a dream will take me”. And boom! I was let go. It was apparent that the relationship was not working out the way anyone had anticipated, however, I used the job as an excuse to not fully pursue my passion for writing as much as I should have.

I had been dreaming of just writing since I was a little girl. I wanted to be a journalist, or so I thought, until I realized that would mean I would write someone else’s stories in a specific format for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to write my own stories. I wanted to be an investigative journalist but I wasn’t willing to work from the bottom of the barrel to hopefully make it to the top so I just did what society told me to do and got a job. I really deviated from my dream to write.

It wasn’t until 2011, I had my heart broken, and I went back to my roots. I was told I had talent and I remembered my purpose once again. I guess you have to hit some sort of rock bottom to remember where you came from. It wasn’t a real rock bottom, that came a few years later but it got me back to doing something I really enjoyed. Then the story just unfolded from that point. I started doing freelance work to expand my portfolio and here I am today, jobless and pursuing my real passion.

I have to say, this could not happen without the support of the Comedian who has always instilled in our relationship that to create is what makes us such a unique couple and I am reminded by him regularly to live our passion and our dream. I guess I am still living in a little bit of fear of the unknown. It’s interesting I read an article today in Addicted2Success.com basically solidifying what I have been avoiding for so long, the fear of the unknown. I’m not going to say I love or hated my job, it was just not me. Going in from 9-5, living someone else’s dream and passion, and going home a paycheck in which someone else chose the amount I was paid. Just the thought of all of that irks me a little bit. I’m not knocking it for anyone else, I’m just saying, it is not for me.

All in all, I’m excited for this journey I am just embarking on and every bone in my body is happy. Just utterly happy. I know it’s all in God’s hands now but I have faith that everything will turn out just the way it’s supposed to.

Lovenote images - Artistic images

The Urge to Write

It's been a couple of weeks since I last wrote in my infamous blog.  I've had a bit of writer's block, as they say.  Since moving in with the Comedian, I've been coincidentally crazy at work, then I go home and it seems there is something to do or someone to see.  I tell you, it's been non stop.  I yearn for the days when I turn to the Comedian, he looks at me and asks, "So what do you want to do today?"  Lately, it's been, "Babe, what do we have scheduled for the weekend?" I have calmed down immensely from my crazy college days.  I think it was a progression.  When I found my group of friends from Orlando, they were just as crazy as I was.  It was a match made in party heaven, however, they are settling down a little bit as well.  There are babies and pregnancies popping up all over the place.  My co workers consistently tell me, I'm next.  I look at them and say, "Not yet, I haven't been drinking the water."

Lately, I've immersed myself in listening to podcasts like crazy.  Honestly, the Comedian got me into them.  It started off listening to his favorite comedian, Bill Burr, and it grew to bloggers like Pat Flynn and my new favorite, Entrepreneurs on Fire.  It has my mind going a mile a minute on what plans I might for my future.  Don't get me wrong, I love to write, I just want that to be what propels me to what I am destined to do.

I know deep down inside, this is only the beginning.  I know in a few years, this blog will have a new meaning and great following.

Thank you all for reading!

Don't Take Anyt...

Don't Take Anything Personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.- Miguel Ruiz

Coinciding with yesterday's blog Is this Your reality?, I felt this quote was fitting.  

The Evolution of Val

The other day, I was perusing through my laptop and I came across some really old blogs from my college years.  I started read and reminisce over the drama, boy crazy, party girl phase of my life.  It's crazy to think that I've been writing blogs since 2004, almost 10 years ago.  It was on MySpace but at the time I felt like the next Puerto Rican Carrie Bradshaw. I have written down the way I felt since I was in middle school (I've read through those too).  Once, my sister took my diary in high school to the neighbor's house and read it out loud.  At the time, I was going through puberty and "discovering myself".  I thought the diary was private enough to write about...err... my experiences... but not then...lol.

Anyhow, I am in awe regarding the way I've progressed as a person.  Many of the same themes that have come through my head similar to the way I think now.  I believe a lot of this progression has to do with that one moment in life where you feel you hit rock bottom and commit to yourself that you don't want to be that person.  One of those moments happened to me when I was only 21.  I don't want to get into all of the gory details, that would be another blog.  You have to make a conscious decision that you want to be a certain person and stick with it, stick with it I did.  :-)

Life is a constant evolution.  I am a firm believer you should always be learning and bettering yourself.  The last time I felt like I was falling towards the bottom, I found positive thinking and God.  I doubt with those lessons by my side, I won't be at that place again.

I did go through my 20s dating all kinds of boys, learning new things about living as an adult and so much more.  I think my 30s are going to be fabulous.  Maybe in 10 years, I can reminisce again about the evolution of me.

Love in Fairytale Land

I believe I am a product of my generation.  Currently, I am 27 years old and single.  I was engaged once because my biological clock got the best of me.  I wanted to settle down, but I was settling. I have literally been in almost every dating situation one can think of.  I want to share my story with those who might need a pick me up or one who wants to know they are not alone in the world of dating.  It is definitely very intimidating out there.