The Settler vs The Reacher

Coincidently, when it comes to figuring out to post, life usually hands me a lemon.  In this case, I was binging on How I Met Your Mother (for the second time) and I came across this episode where Marshall is told he's the "reacher" and Lily is the "settler" in their relationship.  Of course, there's a funny plot twist where Lily eventually gets jealous of Marshall when he's kissed by a beautiful woman who she ends up knocking out. Around the same time, I was talking to a friend of mine regarding his latest conquest.  He has been adamant about not having a relationship.  He had been married then in a long relationship before moving to his new town and had no interest in getting serious with anyone else.  Let's just say; my friend looks like John Cena.  He is attractive and motivated but has no interest in settling down.  The woman he started dating is very well off but even after his plea to not get attached, she got attached.  She is the reacher because she was trying hard to change his mind or impress him so that he would settle down with her.  This is a classic case of a settler and reacher.

During my time dating, there was a long period where I had no interest in settling down or getting married.  Yes, I might have had a boyfriend in my early 20s but marriage was so far gone out of my mind, I had no plans to do it until I was ready.  Like my 30s.  At that time, I dated a lot of umm "mimbos" (really good looking men with no intellect whatsoever).  I think it was a conquest for myself because I considered myself an ugly duckling (Insert horrible 90s school photo here -Thanks James!).

When I discovered hair gel, mousse, makeup, and tweezer, I found I could use my intelligence for my benefit.   Bring on the handsome men!  I didn't commit to anyone of these people because I didn't want to be the settler.

After a while, and my ex-fiance, I realized that I didn't want to go down that route anymore.  I was 27 and finally ready to realize that maybe I should find someone.  I now became the reacher.  The men I did like, I tried too hard, and the men who were not smart just turned me off.  I remember I dated this guy with a gold grill.  I couldn't bring him around my friends.  When he told me he was falling for me, I freaked out.  How did this happen???

I realized that even at one point I was reaching for someone who wasn't even my type.  I learned that the mental connection was all that I needed.  It was my love language, quality time.  Regardless, he was a commitophobe, and that didn't work out in the long run.

After watching that episode of How I Met Your Mother, I started to wonder if I was the settler or the reacher in the relationship.  I think at this point; I don't think I'm either.  I think both the Comedian and I bring great qualities to the table.  I guess I'll let you be the judge.

Don't Get in that Car

I recently heard something on the radio that was quite disturbing.  A girl was raped after getting into a car with a stranger.  My first question is why would anyone get into a car with a stranger?  It boggles my mind the naivety of some people.  Maybe it's my thick skin or the fact that I've had so many close calls, I'm not really sure.  Don't people remember their parents teaching them about "stranger danger"?  That concept applies all of your life, not just when you're a child. I know that most rapes occur within a person's social circle. According to the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAIIN), 4 out of 5 sexual assaults are done by no one you know.  But I want to be an advocate for those who might not make the best choices when it comes to trusting someone they don't know.  Recently, I found a social experiment where a popular Youtuber lured unsuspecting women into his car.  

[embed]http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xk4VmYrquAs[/embed]

I am speaking from experience.  There was a point in my life where I was just as naive as some women who make dangerous decisions.  

Here is another scenario.  You meet someone at a bar and he invites you over to his place after.  What do you expect is going to happen?  He's going to be a nice guy and you two are going to have a long night of conversation.  Probably not.  I remember a line from "How I Met Your Mother" that said,

"When it's after 2:00 a.m., just go to sleep because the decisions you make after 2:00 a.m. are the wrong decisions."  

Just go home, hold some dignity, and enjoy the fact that if he is a good guy, then he will call you because he respects you.  If he is not, then he wasn't right for you.  I don't know how many times I had to convince myself of the same.  Sometimes our insecurities cause us to make bad decisions.  That's exactly why the movie "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" made so much sense. 

I can't say any more than women need to make better decisions and take pride within ourselves.  We are not perfect and bad things might still happen but we can prevent some of those bad things going left instead of right or vice versa.  I can honestly say that most of my bad dates could have been avoided but my own curiosity was a blessing and a curse.  Most of the bad decisions I've made could have had different outcomes if I put my self worth first.  I do also believe that God does not put you through anything you can't handle and it is all done in His time. 

If you have any questions about sexual assault or need someone to talk to, I am here as a listening ear to both men and women alike.