"What if?" is a scary phrase

Recently, a close friend of mine lost his father.  It got me to thinking about my relationship with my father.  Naturally, the first thing I think is that life is fleeting.  People come and go, bad things happen, good things happen, you have great relationships, and wonderful memories.  Some of those moments lead us to hours of therapy that I'm not sure how I paid for. Anyhow, I didn't have a really close relationship with my father growing up.  He just wasn't around.

Growing up in the military has it's unconventional moments.  First, I never had a friend for more than 2 years.  Not that I was a bad friend but they would move away.  I remember my best friend from elementary school moved to Alaska.  I mean... how were we going to stay friends without the internet?  Second, my dad would spend overnights on base or at training.  He wasn't home very often.  He retired for a short period of time, didn't like being a civilian, and got right back in.  Which led him to Panama.  Needless to say, my dad missed the most awkward parts of my life, the teenage years.  There were a lot of factors in him not being around and I'm not 100% sure about a lot of it.

When I was about 27 years old, my dad came out of the woodworks and established an ongoing relationship with me.  I can't say I see him all of the time but we do email each other on a regular basis and I have finally learned where my personality came from.

Back to death, I still wonder what the future holds with my father.  Even in the wedding planning process, getting an answer out of him is a bit nerve wracking.  I would really like him to be a part of my future kid's lives and want him to come up to Orlando more often.  This could be a cry but I don't want to think "what if".  Parts of me don't want to make the effort but if life is so fleeting, maybe I should so that I could have that relationship that I want with my father.

Gosh!  That's all I really want... a better relationship before it's too late.

Finding Myself

The last couple of weeks, I have been going through a sort of soul search or rather trying to balance myself emotionally.  I still haven't figured much out yet, however, there has been a little bit of clarity.  I remember, when I was in High School, I was so sure of what I was supposed to become and where I was going.  However, there were some significant events in my life which made me lose my path.  I haven't really found my path since then.  I've been kind of coasting. 

Now that I've been single for a year and a half, it has been more clear that I've allowed things to cloud where I was supposed to be headed.  I used have so much drive and ideas, now I'm struggling to figure out where it all went.  All I know, I am working towards a goal and I'm almost halfway there.

What I need to do is find a balance between who I used to be and who I am now.  Also, what I need to do to be truly happy.  That is my ultimate goal.  I know the things I want.  I just need to get out of this rut.