5 Signs You're in a Bad Relationship

Are you dating a narcissist? Master Manipulator? Emotional Terrorist? Here are some signs that you are in a bad relationship. I was told these signs a million times by people over the past years, and I pushed them back saying “he isn’t abusive things aren’t that bad, he doesn’t hit me.” If you find that you are doing this and minimizing the abuse maybe you need to take a step back and honestly evaluate your relationship. So here is a list of 4 things to watch out for and can show you that maybe it’s time to move on from this relationship.

1.  He Controls everything.

And it starts with your activities together it’s with his friends, his hobbies, and it’s all in his time; the activities you want to do never seem to work out. He isolates you from your family; you don’t see them as often as you did. Soon you start making up excuses to the people you love on why you never see them and why he never comes to you. He sabotages your friendships making you think that you choose to get rid of your friends.  Then control goes on steroids, and you start working from home, you no longer have a car, and when you leave the house, he is texting and calling wondering who you are with and how long you will be.  Soon he controls the money, and you no longer have your own, even though you work for it. Now don’t get me started with the sex because that’s going to be controlled too. It will be his choice on his time and his way. You will be left unsatisfied and unfulfilled with life and the relationship and when you complain he will make you feel like everything wrong in the relationship is your fault. Like I said before he is in control of everything, so he is going to control the blame.  This is manipulation at its finest, and it will make you think you are crazy. Take a second and stay grounded; it takes two to tango so don’t think the bad relationship is all your fault.

2.  History of past Abuse.

How does your partner talk about his ex’s? Does he refer to them as crazy? When he talks about who he dated, did it end badly with each one?  You better think twice about being with someone that talks that way. There is a common denominator, and I don’t think it’s that he only finds crazy women to date. A strong, grounded, mature person doesn’t have to label someone as something to protect their ego. A man that has integrity can date remain friendly after it’s over. Listen to the ghosts of his past, they are telling you exactly who he is, and someone like this doesn’t find crazies he creates crazies.

3.  The giving and taking are not the same.

In a bad relationship, there will always be one person that is the taker and the other the giver. That’s how you have been able to stay with him so long but also the reason that you’re feeling drained. You’re giving everything and doing everything, and he will give you enough to keep you around.

4.  The game of emotional abuse: belittling and stonewalling.

Does he tell you things that are physically wrong with your body? Does he always fail to celebrate your successes? Does he stand up for you with friends or family? Does he call you his doormat? Then when you get upset (because these are all hurtful things), he then ignores you till you apologize for getting angry? This is all in the plan because if you think you aren’t enough for him, you get so low that you get to thinking you can’t live without him. You will bend over backward doing anything he wants to keep him around. No one deserves to be a doormat, close that door immediately and open another that will lift up the doormat, dust it off and treat you like the amazing woman you are.

5.  Cycle of abuse

Another reason you stay because when it is good, it’s SO GOOD. I remember crying after my ex, and I bought a house together, and we saged it and talked about all the positive things that were going to happen in the house. Well for once we did an activity I wanted to do.  And it was fun, happy, and he was all in and paying 100% attention to me. The high of things going well never lasts. Eventually, the honeymoon stage is over, and the cycle begins again. He will belittle, Stonewall or flat out choose anything or anyone over you; you then get upset and then you’re called crazy. Meanwhile, you think it’s your fault and stay because you  THINK you can learn not to be crazy. But in reality, you aren’t crazy, and anyone that gets belittled, stonewalled and flat out chosen last would be upset. You are Normal; You will find a reasonable person to love, and you will be fulfilled and completely healthy.

So if you can relate to this list and you think your relationship is very similar, Please Go! You’re beautiful, smart, strong, and even though you have been conditioned to think otherwise and even though it will be the hardest thing you have ever done; do it. He will never change, and you will stay unfulfilled and drained. You can have a best friend as a partner, someone that’s excited to see you. I remained in an abusive relationship for almost ten years, in the end after I changed my bad habits and worked on myself and came to find it still was not working because he didn’t want it too. I tried to leave three times before I did. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Now that it’s all over and I’ve been with an amazing man I have the relationship that mirrors my parents. I am so glad I did it. It took a long time to get here, and I’m so proud to be where I am and be who I am. We are both in love with each other and will do anything to make sure each other are happy. I didn’t think this existed, and I didn’t think a relationship could be natural, and it is.

Thanks for coming to the party today, I’m sorry it feels like such a downer, but it does end well. This story has ended happily ever after for me, and I hope this post helps change someone’s nightmare into a fairytale. Life is too short, and we only regret the things we never did. You won’t regret living a more fulfilled life and leaving the draining relationship. Let me know if you liked the post or it helped you in some way by commenting and sharing.

XOXO

5 Topics Couples Don’t Discuss Until It’s Too Late

Murphy's law teaches us only one thing. Couples should discuss topics that can go south before they occur. Marriage is a fortress; its stability depends on how much attention you devote while building its base. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, that’s why you should discuss this topic on time; it might spare you of nerve-wracking situations in marriage.

Finances and money investments

Math and love don’t get along. Falling in love is something utterly irrational, and it should stay that way. No one ever said, I might spend my life with this person”, it just happens, like a bolt from the blue, without thinking you are already wearing a ring. But there should be a place for numbers in marriage. Even for little things like groceries, double companions should be equally involved. It allows marriage to be founded on confidence and trust. Long-term financial planning is of particular importance because it ensures the intentions of the spouse and strengthens a marriage. The less concern you get, the more, you will enjoy your marriage, and it will be easier to overcome other problems.

Sex life

Determine your sex life. Be clear how often would you like to have sex. I get it; everything works fine, sex is great, and you are deeply in love, you apparently think, why should I discuss something which is already perfect? In fact, if you want it to stay like that, it is important to start talking about sex life so you can prevent potential problems that might be just around the corner. The downfall of passion is waiting for you, and, sooner or later, it will happen. This is normal, but it won’t seem so if you don’t discuss it before it happens. A possible outcome is that your partner may start to doubt you, it is almost inevitable. This can be a cause for major problems in a marriage. Feel free to talk through every possible situation that crosses your mind.

Spirituality

You might end up in a relationship with a person that doesn't share your beliefs. No one expects big changes or surprises in this area after going to the registrar. Let’s say I’m a deeply religious person, but my wife is an atheist. That’s all right, I respect her views and beliefs, and she respects mine. But when children come along, you might face a situation where neither of you knows how to educate them. How do you make a compromise when things are opposed? A solution to this problem might be expressing both sides’ attitudes to the children as they grow so they can decide what is better for them. You may be lucky with a partner who is not stubborn, but imagine all this with a person who doesn’t want to make concessions. This could put marriage into question.

Career goals and aspirations

People should always think about getting married if they tend to pursue higher education and job success. We are living in modern society, and the “housewife norm” in traditional families is a thing of the past. On the other side, our reproductive organs are still same. There is no such a thing as accelerated pregnancy, and that won’t exist anytime soon, so partners should be aware of each other's plans in their professional lives. Different attitudes about having kids may be a great destruction force that can threaten a marriage, so it’s better to talk about that before it's too late, but not too early and not on a first date.

In-laws issues and influence of other people

This part should be simple, it’s your marriage, your story, and it should be without external influences, but reality is something else, other people will try to shape your marriage. Newlyweds will always have a strong bond with their parents and friends, that's normal, but there should be boundaries when it comes to your partnership. Each decision should be made by the spouses and their agreement. It is critical to envisage this before you drop the anchor. Involvement of other persons increases the chance of an unstable marriage.

Many other things are important to discuss before you lead your darling to the altar but from my experience, this are most important

10 Ways You Know You're in a Good Relationship

As you all know I am a relationship know-it-all, I can look at any couple and tell you how long they will last. If you believe this statement, then you are a fool. I am no expert, but I have had my heart broken and stepped on like the doormat. But I learn from my mistakes I can tell some definite signs that you are in a good relationship and since I'm in one, I can live to tell the tell. Here they are...

1. You are physically and mentally healthier.

   I have always struggled with my weight and my analytical mind. I have come to find that this amazing, handsome specimen calms my fears and pumps me up. I am in the best shape of my life and have a healthier, mind, body and soul.

2. No more "I can't" or "I won't."

   It hit me one day that I have to get to know myself again; I am no longer living in a bubble scared to go outside. I am in a relationship that has expanded my horizons.  In the past, I thought I was too dumb to do some of  the things that I am doing now. It's an amazing feeling to have someone that runs with you instead of holding you back. When you're with someone that speaks positively about you and to you, it helps change yourself talk to be more positive. The world unlocks itself when you take I can't, or I won't get out of your vocabulary.

3. Your goals are getting achieved.

   Firstly my goals are a lot higher or harder to reach, and I achieve them. I am with someone that is a go-getter, and he helps me with my goals, and we even have goals as a couple. We have a life that we are working towards achieving and it’s a great feeling to have someone that is growing with you.

4. Life is easier.

   I use to get so frustrated with things not working out, I've come to find that my man makes me laugh at these moments. He sees me for the imperfect person I am, and I don't feel stupid or ashamed; I feel heard and understood. Life gets a lot easier when you're laughing through the mistakes and failures as well as the good times.

5. The giving and the taking feels natural and equal.

   There might be days where I don't do as much around the house, and my man does the dishes and wipes the counters. We are are not counting who did what, we are picking up where the other left off; we are a team.

6. Less fighting more laughing.

   We hardly fight, I think we can we have fought once. I'm not saying that your relationship isn't good because you fight. We have been through some pretty stressful situations, and somehow we don't fight, it's just us. When one of us is upset or says something or does something snappy we call each other out on it and the person apologizing, and we move forward. It's not about the lack of fighting but about how you move forward when you do.

7. Honesty is the best policy.

   We always tell each other the truth, the brutal truth which sometimes means like I said in number 6 that you get called out. It might sting a little, but I would rather have a partner that helps me grow and be better than someone that keeps me stagnant just to save my feelings.

8. No secrets.

   You keep one secret from your partner and the secrets turn into the book of secrets, and soon it's what's keeping you from being honest with your partner. We made a rule always to tell the truth and say it as nicely as you can. Some things should only be between you and your partner and when you have that be sacred your relationship will follow. I will not let anyone or anything come in the way of my partner and me; he is the most important being. His secrets are my secrets, and that's what has brought us closer together.

9. Hours of talking and the honeymoon stage has ended.

   My man and I miss some important moments in our lives because we are too busy talking. We missed the Eiffel Tower lit up at night because we were chatty Kathy's in the hotel room. We are always late to meet friends because caught up in some conversation. We have been dating two years soon, and we still talk like we have just met. We talk about everything under the sun, and it's weird because we are with each other 24/7 together.  It also makes talking about hard things easier; we talk to understand not to respond.

10. Never stop choosing your partner first.

    I think this is the most important thing; your relationship will never work out if you don't put your partner first. I have had to tell myself "This person is my family and no one else matters." you start choosing your hobby or friends over the person and you might as well just wave your relationship goodbye. I'm not saying you can't see your friends, but everything comes in balance.

I hope your relationship is as good as mine and I'd love to keep adding to this list so comment below on what you think makes a good relationship.

Follow me on Facebook at Heidi Mae Searle

And Instagram @heidimaesearle

XOXO

Online Dating - You're Doing It Wrong

Smartphones and apps have opened the floodgates of free online dating. And why not? You can meet lots of interesting people online - more than you'll meet in a loud, smoky bar. You can filter them to make sure their age, appearance, background, and interests are compatible with yours. And it's fun. Research firm GlobalWebIndex reported in 2015 that 91 million people are using apps like Tinder. Why not? Tinder has millions and millions of users. Surely the person you're looking for has an account.

NEEDLE, MEET HAYSTACK

Maybe so. But Tinder's strength - that it is so widely used - is also its weakness. You're not looking to date millions of people. You're looking to find a particular someone.

General-purpose apps and dating websites try to convince you that having lots of members is a benefit. But in most cases, such sites are a waste of time. (That's one reason their customer ratings are so low.)

Suppose you’re interested solely in guys with beards. Or maybe someone who shares your religious background. A general-purpose dating app may let you set filters so you see only members who match your criteria.

But that doesn’t mean you’ll find lots of them. Like you, people in niche categories find general-interest dating sites and apps frustrating, inefficient, and boring. So you don’t find them there.

A MATTER OF FOCUS

Luckily, savvy website operators have created specialized dating sites for people with particular interests. You can now find a website to help you connect with guys with beards, or fellow Catholics, or big beautiful women, or guys with children, or women with tattoos, or married people interested in discreet relationships, or...well, you name it!

A niche dating site is more efficient because you don't have to wade through the profiles of lots of people who don't match your interests. Better yet, such a site is a community of people who share your attraction. You'll enjoy a real sense of community at a niche site. You can pick up useful online dating tips, chat with like-minded singles, and compare experiences.

A niche site attracts precisely the people you are looking for. And because it rewards their searches with qualified potential partners, they stay active. They tell their friends. The site becomes more and more useful over time.

Best of all, you can be sure that you'll find just the kind of dating partner you're looking for.

Let other singles waste their time swiping left and swiping right on Tinder. You're better off with a niche dating website where you can meet exactly who you're looking for.

Contributed by Dating VIP

No One Wants to Hear about a Happy Relationship

“No one wants to hear about a happy relationship.”  That’s the Comedian said after doing a bit on stage.  Before he told a joke, he would run it by me to ask whether it was okay.  I honestly didn’t mind.  I knew it was an exaggerated version of our reality.  Once, a woman pulled me to the side after he performed on stage and said, “You don’t have to let him talk about you like that.”

Sincerely, it was okay.  I had gotten comfortable with being the butt of 90% of his jokes.  In all seriousness, comedians talk about what they know, and if they spend most of their lives with you, then you will be the butt of their jokes.  I usually laugh it off and say “I signed up for this when I decided to date a comedian.”

It’s the same as being a dating blogger.  I spent countless hours talking about my latest conquests and how the majority of them went wrong.  Now, that I’m in a happy marriage with the comedian, I am scrambling for good material.  I have no issues talking about myself but who really wants to read about a happy relationship?

It’s true.  Most of us watch reality TV because we feel that if this rich person’s life is falling apart in front of us, then maybe we aren’t so bad. These past few weeks, a lot of people approach the Comedian and me and ask, “How’s married life?”

I sincerely don’t know how to answer.  It’s great.  Nothing has changed.  We are still two creative peas in a pod just trying to make our way in the world.  He’s the type of person who can make you laugh and the next hour has a serious conversation about the development of society.  It’s crazy to have found this combination in a person, but it works. Someone told me to

enjoy this time because you never know when things will change.

She is right.  I’ve seen my friends go through ups and downs in their marriages.  But the strong always prevail.  I admire the strength in understanding your partner, and when things get tough, they are really there for you.

The comedian even said in his vows that you need someone to grow with you and push you to be the best version of yourself.  I would like to challenge everyone to talk about their happy relationship.  It might make the idea of finding the right partner much less stressful.  He is out there.

On a side note... our wedding video is out!

I hope you enjoy!

https://vimeo.com/191169594

The Truth to Matchmaking

It seems every time I meet a guy friend of The Comedian's, I get asked, do I have any single girlfriends.  The answer is, yes, I do.  Whether I feel they are an appropriate match for that person is a biased opinion. Hooking people up or matchmaking is a science.  You can't just hook two people up all willy nilly.  The Comedian believes I have a sickness because I'm always trying to hook people up.  Yes, I do think if there's an opportunity, I will jump on it and try to get two people together.  I love LOVE and I want people to be in love like I am.  It's just not that simple.  After I have made the grave error of trying to put two people together, I realize that they are not ready for a relationship or they simply don't want one.

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day.  We were talking about matchmaking.  I had come across a friend who is a great catch.  Granted, he doesn't live in Florida. What I didn't express to her was that he was in no position to be in a relationship.  He simply didn't want one.  Rather than pushing some romanticized idea down a man's throat, I would rather leave him alone until he's ready and willing to make the jump.  A couple of instances I was fortunate in matchmaking, both the guy and girl were looking for relationships.  One example, in particular, I met this guy when I was single who's personality did not mesh with mine romantically.  He explained to me what he was looking for in a relationship.  A light bulb went off because I knew someone who fit his criteria to a "T."  I strategically brought him to a place I knew she would be and five years later, they are still together.

Another caveat is some people want relationships without being ready for one.  There's something to be said about doing the work on yourself before entering into a committed relationship with someone who is mentally stable.  I always tell people,

You can't be happy with someone else if you are not happy with yourself.

I worked a lot on myself before going into a relationship.  There were a lot of frogs I had to kiss before I found my prince charming.  What I find interesting about them is that many of them are still single.  I think what drove me the craziest in my single life was the lack of consideration a man would have for my time.  If you make plans, either stick to them or cancel them.  Sigh... some guys are just cowards.

Anyhow, I see some of my girlfriends struggle with dating.  I get it.  It's tough out there, however, if you're confident, love yourself, and recognize that when someone likes you that you respect their feelings, then you are ready for love.  I also say,

You have to be the person you want to be in a relationship before you are in a relationship.

If you think it's totally acceptable to go out with your girls three times a week, that's fine.  But think of how someone you might be interested in would perceive that imagery.  If you're looking for someone to party with, then you might be doing right by you.  A real man is looking for someone he can enjoy his life with.  He doesn't want to fight over petty things or worries that you might dive into a deep depression because he forgot this was the anniversary of your first kiss.

Matchmaking is not a simple hook up, at least it isn't for me.  Real love deserves thought.

My Rattled Psyche

My psyche has been rattled quite a bit over the past few months. Wedding planning is more like a psychological roller coaster that takes you from super excited to damn right devastated. I spoke to one of The Comedian’s coworkers yesterday whose daughter is planning a wedding and she mentioned her daughter is at the stage where she does not care anymore. Well, that’s where I’m at right now. Through this whole process, I have met incredible people, and I’ve realized who was willing to go the extra mile. I do cherish my friends and family to my core. However, one has to realize you can’t save them all.

Recently, I had a conversation with someone who made me realize why I love my friends so dearly and that I have the natural feeling to want to help them regardless if they might have done something negative. It’s the reason why I blog. I like to hope that somewhere in the world, I’m able to help someone with my words or stories. That some woman out there might be on the verge of making a wrong decision, she reads the blog and a light appears in front of her.  I love to provide a service to help those in need of clarity in their personal lives.

I hope with all of my experiences that I will be able to provide the glimmer of hope someone was seeking.  I sincerely believe I was put on this earth to endure some hardships, interpret it as an opportunity to find strength, and share it with the world.  Wisdom does not come with experience; it comes with the ability to make your experiences learning opportunities.

It happens to be the same reason I have the tendency to want to help people in their relationships. Not too long ago, I spent an additional 30 minutes in a car with an Uber driver giving him advice in his relationship. Regardless of whether the Comedian felt that this was appropriate, my drunken persona felt that this was the right thing to do at the time.

The theme of my bachelorette party cruise was one of finding ourselves again.  Through all of the babies and significant others, we lose sight of how amazing we are as women.  We're strong and resilient.  Whether we make plans in the future to go to Ireland or Argentina is all up to us.  There is a magnetic pull for us to move forward in a productive and happy direction.  I will never forget what the trip has taught me about myself, and I will never forget the conversations.  I think that's why I'm so rattled.  I needed to be reminded that we all are amazing, and we deserve the best.  I remembered that I love my friends and family , I love meeting new people, and I love to dance like no one is looking.

My psyche will be normal again

Wedding planning, working full time, and finding a path in freelancing can take a toll on someone.  I sincerely cannot wait to get the wedding behind me.  There are so many things that are changing right now that I can't speak about because it is a bit premature.  However, I am very excited.   Let's just say; I will have more time to write and travel as I've always dreamed.  Who knows, I might go back to school.  I think my calling is to help people in their relationships.  It's not easy to see what is going on in your relationship from the inside, but an outside wise perspective might give you that light you've been seeking.

Coincidently enough, this was Joel Osteen's prayer for the day:

“Father, today I raise my level of expectancy. I choose to take the limits off of my thinking. I know that You are able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all I could ever ask, think or imagine. Thank You for the blessing You have in store for me in Jesus’ name! Amen.”

5 Ways to Boost your Confidence

Being a strong woman in a world full of people ready and willing to push you down can really take a toll on your confidence.  I literally just finished reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert after much procrastination and watching the movie 500 times.  I was inspired by her story, especially her trip to India that led her to regain her confidence.  It is important to remember that we are beautiful, sassy, smart, innovative, movers and shakers of our environment.  But there is that one day that you are feeling just a bit down.  Here are some ideas to pick you up when you're not feeling top-notch.

Dress the way you want to feel

It is amazing what clothes can do to our self-esteem.  Have you ever looked in the mirror and said to yourself, "Damn, I look good"?  Ladies, you can sincerely feel like this all the time.  You know how the saying goes;

"Dress for the job you want"

The same goes for your mood.  Dress for the mood you want to have.  If you want to feel sexy, slip on that thong you know makes you feel like you are being a little naughty and it will exude on the outside and if you want to feel like you can take over the world, put on a power suit.

Drop the negativity

It's sometimes hard to see when people are bringing you down, especially when you're a women.  We all get caught up in the drama and gossip in the world around us.  It's so easy to just get sucked in.  I mean that's why reality TV is so addicting.  We love to revel in someone else's life when its worse than ours.  Well, snap out of it!

I know it can be difficult to get rid of friends who might be bringing us down as well but you have to remember that friends sometimes come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  If the reason is up and they are bringing you down, it's time to move on.  Exuding confidence is all about YOU, not the other person.  Trust me, I am guilty of being a people pleaser but I know when to drop my losses.  Walk away from the negative talk and get yourself back in stride.

Talk to yourself

That's right, I said it.  Look in the mirror and talk to yourself.  Find a mantra that works for you like, "I am beautiful, no one today is going to bring me down" or "I am going to take over the world".  Whatever it may be, make sure its a positive, reassuring mantra that you are going to say to yourself.  The most important thing about this routine is that you have to do it daily and you have to believe it.  If you don't believe it, repeat it again until you do. Positive self-talk is so powerful

Hit the gym

You don't necessarily have to go to the gym but work out.  Do something.  Get off the couch and get moving.  WebMD says that working out releases endorphins which basically means it releases a chemical that makes us happy.  The same chemical that makes us smile when we hear a baby laugh.  Not only that, but after working out for a little while, you'll feel better about your body, you'll have more energy, and most importantly, you'll be more confident.

Surround yourself with positive people

I recently heard from someone you should surround yourself with people who are smarter than you.  I have always been a strong believer in having friends and significant others who bring you up and not bring you down.  I have been blessed with a great set of friends and every time we're together, it just reassures me and reminds me of how awesome they are smart, beautiful, positive women with the most amazing hearts.  It did take a while to get the negative people out of my life and it was worth it.  Find a mentor, surround yourself with amazing people, and your confidence will be the last thing you worry about.

Keep in mind these are just tips.  If you going through depression, please seek professional help.  From someone who has experienced depression before, it might be hard to get out of your own way when you're feeling down in the dumps.

Stay sassy, confident, and remember you are the most beautiful woman in the world!

You're going to rue the day... You started my dream

I’ll be completely transparent, I was let go from my 9-5 job on Monday. Most people would think I would be distraught with thoughts going through my head like, “Oh, no! What am I going to do?” or “I can’t believe this horrible b**ch let me go. She’s going to rue the day she made that decision!” But no, that’s not how I feel at all. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

You see, prayer is a very powerful thing, as much as some people might choose to believe or not to believe. I wrote a blog post a few weeks ago and I got a lot of praise from it after I prayed to God about my path the night before. I was a bad Christian and I hadn’t prayed in a while until Monday morning when I simply said, “Let me know where my path to living a dream will take me”. And boom! I was let go. It was apparent that the relationship was not working out the way anyone had anticipated, however, I used the job as an excuse to not fully pursue my passion for writing as much as I should have.

I had been dreaming of just writing since I was a little girl. I wanted to be a journalist, or so I thought, until I realized that would mean I would write someone else’s stories in a specific format for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to write my own stories. I wanted to be an investigative journalist but I wasn’t willing to work from the bottom of the barrel to hopefully make it to the top so I just did what society told me to do and got a job. I really deviated from my dream to write.

It wasn’t until 2011, I had my heart broken, and I went back to my roots. I was told I had talent and I remembered my purpose once again. I guess you have to hit some sort of rock bottom to remember where you came from. It wasn’t a real rock bottom, that came a few years later but it got me back to doing something I really enjoyed. Then the story just unfolded from that point. I started doing freelance work to expand my portfolio and here I am today, jobless and pursuing my real passion.

I have to say, this could not happen without the support of the Comedian who has always instilled in our relationship that to create is what makes us such a unique couple and I am reminded by him regularly to live our passion and our dream. I guess I am still living in a little bit of fear of the unknown. It’s interesting I read an article today in Addicted2Success.com basically solidifying what I have been avoiding for so long, the fear of the unknown. I’m not going to say I love or hated my job, it was just not me. Going in from 9-5, living someone else’s dream and passion, and going home a paycheck in which someone else chose the amount I was paid. Just the thought of all of that irks me a little bit. I’m not knocking it for anyone else, I’m just saying, it is not for me.

All in all, I’m excited for this journey I am just embarking on and every bone in my body is happy. Just utterly happy. I know it’s all in God’s hands now but I have faith that everything will turn out just the way it’s supposed to.

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6 Points on Love in the Beginning...

I've been doing some reading today and it sparked some thoughts in regards to my life and relationships.  I have had ups and downs but all that had made me realize is that life is precious.  There are some points I wanted to address when it comes to starting a new relationship.  I found throughout my blogs, there were common themes.  Below, I discuss what I’ve learned prior to my relationship and during.  There is more to come as I learn about myself… 1.  Love will come when you least expect it

I can honestly say that this is very true.  When I look back on my relationships, all of them came in a time where I wasn’t looking for a relationship.  The times I did try to pursue someone, it always ended where I started questioning myself.  More than often enough, those were times where that person wasn’t as in to me as I was into them.  Currently, I couldn’t be happier and trust me, the person I am with is the last person on earth I expected to contact me.  However, I am so grateful that he did.  Sometimes we leave marks on people’s hearts and lives.  Those who realize those marks are the ones who treasure them more than anyone.

2.  Be Patient

One thing I learned prior to my current relationship was to be patient.  I had been struggling with abandonment issues for a fairly long time.  Granted, almost any girl freaks out when the guy she likes doesn’t respond right away, even if he’s just taking a nap.  It’s the unknown that is the scary part.  Some ladies hide it better than others.  I learned to internalize a lot of my neurosis, then analyze them after the fact.  Regardless, men can sense when you are really insecure. Figuring out your reasons for reacting the way you do is very important your own personal growth.

3.  Stay busy

One thing that helps with the impatience I was trying to internalize was staying busy.  I am blessed with amazing friends.  Also, I found a hobby in writing.  There is nothing better to do with your time than build relationships that will last a long time.  I find it true that in the beginning of the relationship, you have to keep your ground and still remain the same or similar to the person you truly are.  Many of us become sucked into the other person and want to spend every waking moment with them.  In time, you will get comfortable with your significant other, then have to find yourself again.  By maintaining your hobbies and relationships, you are more likely to still be you.

There will be a time where you start getting into the groove of your relationship.  When this starts to occur (my current state), you will find that it will be super easy to integrate your loved one into your life as well as you into his.  It is really about communication and wanting to work in a partnership.

4.  Men are simple

I have mentioned this point in blogs before.  Men are simple.  When they like you, they like you.  When they don’t or they want you for another purpose, they start acting strange and do things that freak you out.  Honesty and trust are priority in a relationship.  If you can’t trust the person you’re with, then what’s the point?  One of you ends up going crazy because they are always questioning the other person.  I personally don’t believe in invading someone else’s privacy by going through their phone, tablet, or computer.  If they have something to hide, they’ll hide it.

On that note, I cannot stress the importance of a woman’s intuition.  You know deep down inside when something is wrong.  Don’t deny it, cover it with excuses, or anything.  Confront it.  There is a difference between insecurity and intuition.  One is emotionally driven and the other is instinct.

5.  Do not try to change the man; if you’re making excuses for him then maybe he’s not right for you.

I’ve been in relationships where I am engulfed in the person I think the other should be but at the end of the day, they aren’t.  If you’re looking for a long term relationship, this is someone you intend on being with until your last days.  Change can only come from within.  Only you can control your own actions and who you are as a person.  I have a few guy friends who continue to date the same kinds of girls and yet, they keep getting burned.  This goes both ways.  Excuse my language but you can’t be Captain Save a Hoe.  Someone who doesn’t have their stuff together won’t magically get it together because you’re in their lives.  It is important that you realize you are with someone who makes you a better version of you, not bring you down.

There are obviously exceptions to the rule, you know urban myths where someone’s friend of a friend changed their husband and now they live happily ever after.  Remember, those are exceptions, not the rule.  I would recommend watching the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, it holds a lot of truth.  It’s one of my favorites when it comes to debunking dating myths.

6.  Your partner should be your best friend

Last, but not least, your significant other should be someone you can be yourself with.  They should be the one you trust with your deepest darkest secrets.  They should be someone you grow with.  There are some things you won’t share, like the latest on your favorite reality show or the intimate details of your best friend’s labor story.  It is one thing I have learned in my current relationship.  There are just some things he doesn’t care for, like how I might cut my finger nails from left to right or that I always forget passwords.  I have the tendency to over explain myself.  All in all, The Comedian always makes me laugh in even the most strenuous of circumstances but yet he is there when I need a shoulder to cry on.

I can honestly say, I am truly happy with my current circumstance.  My point here is not to tell you what to do but my advice when it comes to entering a relationship from my own personal experience.  All relationships are different but remember you are the only one in charge of your own happiness.  If you’re not happy with yourself, you can’t be happy with anyone else.

The Best Advice...

Ironically enough, the best advice I ever received was not about relationships or my career or even my choice in school but it happened to be about my finances. Unfortunately, I didn't receive much guidance from my parents when it came to money. I was suckered into credit card when I was in college and I lived the cliche poor student lifestyle. I don't feen for ramen, actually I was never very fond of it, but I do have memories of my best friend and I gathering up all the money we had to hit up the dollar menu.After college, I struggled. I worked for a publishing company where I was sexually harassed by the owner then when I told a coworker that I was going to file a complaint, I was coincidentally fired. After that, I worked for a company owned by Lou Pearlman. If anyone knows, he went bankrupt and I was caught up within that time, hence, another job lost. Finally, I made it to my current company, a breath of fresh air. During the midst of all of this, a good friend of mine told me,

My father was a wise man, he said to never depend on money you don't have.

A light bulb turned on for me. This one conversation set in motion a whole new way at looking at my finances. I started paying my bills first and eventually saving for a rainy day. I know it sounds so simple, however, I was a young girl in my early 20s at the time. I truly dedicate my independence to this advice. I've learned much more since then but freeing myself from a burden of wondering how the next bill would be paid. I'm also not where I want to be. In writing this blog, a year from now, I will be in a better place financially. (Positive thinking, positive results :-)) On a side note, I would love to thank The WordPress Chick for influencing this blog. You're awesome!

Ryan Reynolds

Last night, I went on a date with someone I met off of Match.com.  Initially, I didn't have high expectations because he didn't really seem to be my type physically on his profile and after talking to him on the phone, it was hard to get a story from him.  Anyhow, I was being overly critical just to protect my possibly high hopes of finally finding someone. He convinced me to reschedule a date with an older man which I was having second thoughts about.  So I met him at a pool hall and as I approached the door, I was in shock.  This guy looked like Ryan Reynolds.  He didn't look like his profile pictures as at all, in a good way.  In my honest nature, as we sat at the bar, he asked why I was being so shy and I responded that he didn't look like his pictures and I was kind of in awe and a little nervous.  He then asked what I thought about his profile.  I told him my opinion considering I had been honest with him and told him of my experiences in dating and what women are looking for.

The date went on kind of awkwardly as we competed with each others sarcasm.  I felt a weird tension and lack of connectivity, I think it was because we were competing instead of getting to know each other.

During out date, I did tell him not to change his profile unless things didn't go well.  So because I'm so nosey, I did check him out since he hadn't attempted to contact me the following day.  He changed it.

I think the point is, I didn't realize I was an online dating profile consultant.  I was asked whether I've been on a blind date before and I laughed only because I've had so many dating experiences including Bad Date 4 - The Really Blind Date.  I was really thrown by him really updating his profile per our conversations.  Wow.  That teaches me to give dating advice to potential suitors.

Lessons Learned

In the last year, I have experienced an extreme rollercoaster of events that forced me to analyze what I truly want out of life. There were events in the past which had led me to become lost after I was so sure of what my future entailed. Not until now, the smoke is starting to clear away. I had been just living in limbo, experiencing life as it came to me but I was not necessarily pushing my goals forward. In my past "relationship" (left in quotes because it was short lived), I find myself questioning what went wrong. I analyzed every single event, and the only conclusion I came down to was I should have gotten out of it the first time around as opposed to waiting for all hope to expire. Instead, I ended up being betrayed and extremely hurt by someone who I really felt could provide me the future I wanted. We both made mistakes. I overcompensated because my recent ex always made me feel like I had to continue to prove to him how much I cared and he was scared because his recent ex had damaged him, he was afraid to get hurt again. Another lesson in the infamous notion that rebounds do not work. I think I would have left with some dignity. Initially, I had never laughed or enjoyed someone's company so much, but was the emotional strain worth it?

As a Gemini, as said by a good friend of mine, we tend to go in head first. We want to see the good in people and give our hearts to them but forget to step back and look at the bigger picture. I believe the last two experiences have truly allowed me to stop and slow down for a second. I know my self-worth, and I think that is the most precious knowledge to hold when going into a relationship. Understanding how much you are worth and recognizing that someone else appreciates it.

In essence, the pain will completely go away soon. However, the memory of the pain probably will not. Unfortunately, these are the types of relationships which cause us to put our guard up for the next person who comes around. Hopefully, one won't be so stubborn to keep the walls up. Then again, why wouldn't I want a person who thinks it will be worth it to take the walls down?

Unnecessary Advice

Last night, I went out with a couple of friends. One of which I had been friends with for a significant amount of time. My current engagement came up in conversation because he is conservative when it comes to my choices in my friendships as my fiance is. Anyhow, initially he felt uncomfortable the fact that I had brought up several references to the fact that he had been belligerent and is a school teacher and I find it ironic because I would have never imagined my teachers living anywhere near a similar lifestyle. So because these references were brought up, he was upset and asked me to be more discreet around those he did not know too well. After apologizing, I came to realize that he was guilty of the same. Then he offered relationship advice to me because he felt I shouldn't be open to my fiance about my questionable past which has been mentioned throughout my blogs. I told him, I would rather be sincere than having my fiance find out the truth later on. That, in turn, would hurt our relationship more. My friend went on saying that what he doesn't know would not hurt him. This conversation about boundaries and such went on for TWO hours.

I told him I disagreed and he was upset because he believed I was not listening. I was listening, but my personality is much more liberal. Over time, I have matured throughout my relationship because we have hit rock bottom and we have been at our high. Then he continued to talk about how all relationships are similar. Again, I disagreed because all relationships are not the same. But when he referenced similarities, they were the vague ones which implied we had goals and that all discussions about our past relationships were attacked the same way. I disagree. Some conversations come up in different methods. I might ask, he might ask... it might come up in a different form. He could have read my blogs. We could have discussed it.

My point is after all of this discussion, and I didn't understand why we were still talking. I didn't ask for advice or to dissect my relationship. I told him that there are things that are discussed within our relationship are private and he does not know our relationship. He had no right to discuss something he did not know. Especially, when he does not have a successful relationship under his belt because he pushes people away with precisely this, advice because he is older, he feels he has the right to tell me how to live my life.

I am stubborn, but I am also one to listen. It was like he was giving me a sales pitch because he asked me to repeat what he said as I understood. I did understand and excuse me for taking what was said literally. If you are one to explain every facet of your point, why shouldn't I?? Also, don't change your direction of your advice because you are trying to make a point which hadn't been reached yet. Yes... I understand and No... I do not agree.

Please, I will seek advice when necessary. I am not one to do things on my own. I am one to ask questions until I'm blue in the face. But I will not ask an Olympic Swimmer about how to play football.

The Younger Man

When I meet someone, I attempt to give them the benefit of the doubt because I don't know their habits or their history. I do keep my guard up and only allow enough of myself to be seen by the other person. When it comes to younger men, we meet, and they tell me, I'm different. Again, I give them the benefit of the doubt and an opportunity to pursue me. I have never been proven wrong from my original theory. Not to sound like I am on a pedestal, but I have experienced several trials in my life which have left me to be more mature than the average 24-year-old. I take into consideration my surroundings, and I am extremely patient. I despise when a person denies something I can see. Younger men feel if they admit it then they are letting something go. What they do not realize that knowing the truth now will eliminate problems in the future.

A younger man will always be a younger man. And until I am proven differently, I will continue to live on that theory.