Being in a relationship like the one I'm in has opened my mind up to all kinds of things I would not have embarked on while being single. It's really the strangest feeling. When I was single, if I was dismissed by someone, my ego would take over and I would say to myself, this guy doesn't know what he's missing out on. I knew I had a lot to offer as a woman. Smart, funny, independent, confident, why wouldn't someone want that? Now, I'm in this amazing relationship and my insecurities are starting to surface more prevalently than before. I think its easy to dismiss when you're single because there's always another adventure, another guy, another friend but here you are in a committed relationship and everything is amazing, now I start to think, is it enough? Of course it is, this person isn't with you because you aren't worthy. You are so worthy.

It's crazy because I do have conversations with friends about their insecurities. Here I am on the outside looking and saying to myself, why does it matter? It shouldn't matter that he hasn't answered your text or liked your post on facebook within seconds of you texting or posting. He might be busy. If at the end of the day, he shows you how much he's into you then it doesn't matter. I think what women fail to realize that committed relationships is a change in lifestyle. I can vouch for someone that has always been independent in her life. I've taken care of myself to this point and its hard to let and accept that now you have to share your time, your resources with someone else. When you do have only yourself to depend on, vulnerability might be something difficult to handle.

I had a recent episode in the last week where my vulnerability was tested. I'll admit, I think that I am a perfectionist and when I realize that maybe I'm not so perfect, it beats on my ego a bit. Looking at yourself is so much more difficult than being on the outside because they are your emotions and your feelings, not someone else's you can give advice to and not have to deal with the consequences.

Luckily for myself, my boyfriend and I had decided to have God at the center of the relationship. Not that I want to preach to anyone but when you realize that you are truly perfect as God intended you to be, it is so much easier to enjoy your love. When I had my episode I realized, it was the devil trying to dilute our relationship with my ego. Such a revelation, so simple. Love is meant to be joyful. Don't let negativity, insecurity and ego cloud your vision.

It's interesting because I've heard a comedian once say "If anyone ruins the relationship its the woman". I hate to be an advocate for that thought but I can see where there comes from. Women get so insecure with a man's simplicity it makes us see things that don't exist. I've said this in a previous blog, real men are simple. If they want something, they get it. If they want you, they will tell you. When we do all this second guessing, it makes women go crazy. Trust his judgement, be on his side. When you start becoming and instigator, watch yourself and what your actions. Stop and think, "why does it matter?"

I’m not sure if this term or phrase had been dubbed before but a close friend and I have defined people who suspiciously insecure for no reason because they are attractive, smart and witty might have “Ugly Duckling Syndrome” meaning they grew up shy, unpopular, awkward and/or in the shadow of a sibling who consistently received praise. Unfortunately, I have discovered this as a hurdle I was never really aware on how to overcome. Everyone handles their insecurities in different manners. I, myself, have been told I have this syndrome. I am just simply unaware of someone being interested in me or do not take note that I might be attractive in some instances. I, luckily, have good friends that have to slap me from time to time.

In dating, I find as I date older men, this has been something they notice right off the bat. I guess with the consistently trail of mimbos which I have dated, I never really had to handle my ability to be totally comfortable with myself. I’ve also noticed that if you are dating an Ugly Duckling, they will never be able to take a compliment or consistently put themselves down. My good friend who I consider to be my dating guru says that two Ugly Ducklings should never date. You should date someone who will pull you out of the hole you have unawaringly put yourself in. You need someone who is confident in their own skin. Don’t get me wrong, I am confident in my wit, career and smarts but I’m just ignorant to how I am perceived and whether I am found attractive.

I dated a local amateur comedian at one time which I constantly had to tell he was attractive and that women were looking at him. It boggled my mind that this person was able to go on stage and be a funny person with a great personality but did not even have an idea that the women who spoke to him when he got off stage were hitting on him. Don’t you know the best way to get into a girl’s pants is to make her laugh???? Duh! I actually enjoy watching the person I date get hit on because it secretly boosts my ego. “He’s going home with me” I would say to myself. In the long run, because I was so focused on him in the relationship, I allowed a lot of red flags to just be swept under the rug. I forgot about myself. In the long run, it just became emotional. I find myself so worried about the other person but that is for another insecurity reason which I might talk about in another blog.

I also have a close friend of mine who is beautiful but because she was once 230 lbs in high school and now near 130 lbs, she is consistently worried about her weight. Sometimes I just want to tell her, look in the mirror, look at what you’ve accomplished and you still look this good after having two kids. You obviously know the secret to keeping yourself the way you are and you should be proud. Now get dressed and let’s go out!

If you have a friend with this syndrome, don’t fret. Just be by their side. They just need someone to hold their hand sometimes.