Secrets to Making a Breakup Be the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

When we talk about breakups, we don’t talk about how positive they can be, we focus on how horrible they are. I was in a relationship for almost nine years, and when that ended, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. So, if you’re reading this and you are pre-breakup, mid-breakup, or even post and trying to move on, start with changing your thoughts about break up. It is positive, it’s change, it’s a new beginning, and most importantly, it’s a new you. Getting your heart broken is the way to start over and make a life you will never need a vacation from and will never need to break up with. It’s so easy to say this, so I have made a list of things that helped me move on and get to that positive place. Here they are…

Cry, scream, and be all the emotions

What I mean by this is feel all the emotions. You can’t move on if you push things down and never address them. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. It’s gonna be a bumpy road, emotions will come and go, but this will be the best thing to ever happen to you and one day you will wake up, and the shadow will be gone, and you will be happy again. I know you’re asking the biggest question just like when Carrie got her heart broken by Mr. Big for the millionth time.

You know, Carrie from Sex in the City, asked “When will I laugh again?” Miranda responded “When something is really funny.”

That’s how being happy will be one day, it will just click. Until then move on to the rest of this post.

Make a list of all the things that annoyed you

Get specific about the guy and the relationship. This is a great list to have on your phone so when you feel like texting him, or you hear a song you both loved you can read the list and remember why you broke up. When the time comes, and you’re with someone new it’s an excellent way to compare the new guy with the old and make sure they are nothing alike. Who wants to make the same mistake twice? Am I right?

Make a list of all the things you love about yourself and your life

Self-worth is the most important thing anyone can change. If you don’t like you, then who will? This list can be hard in the beginning, try to be very specific and keep adding to the list and read over this list every time you’re sad or not feeling like you are enough. Everyone has good qualities and has talents, appreciate yours. One of my favorite quotes by an unknown author is

“You are YOU and that is your power.”

Embrace your power and embrace your uniqueness. Which leads me to the next point.

Change your self-talk

A world of disappoints will turn into a reality of winning. Words are important, they all have meaning and truth. How is it the nicest people often treat themselves the worst? I came to find that I was quite rude to myself. So take the negative challenge, and I replace I can’t, I won’t, I’m sorry and no; I replaced it with yes, thank you, I can and I will.  It makes a world of difference. One of my favorite movies is Alice in Wonderland, and it’s because she tries to do six impossible things before breakfast. And with a mindset like that the world is yours. Be nice to yourself and say nice things. If you need some motivation or an example of affirmations, click here. You will not be disappointed.

Start working out

Even if it’s just a walk with your dog every day or starting a new class at the gym, get out and get your body moving.  There are so many studies that state walking is good for your brain. There is a form of therapy called EMDR, and it focuses on changing your thoughts and memories while using both sides of your brain. It’s an incredible form of therapy because you are not talking your way through your problems and getting obsessed. You never tell your therapist what it’s about and you work through your thoughts and memories replaces them with less dramatic more positive feelings. I recommend it to anyone wanting to heal from any past traumas.

Try new things and meet new people

Have you always wanted to take an art class? Or learn how to dance? When you are at work what do you wish you could be doing? When getting home, DO IT! Scared to do something is the best sign that you need to do that very thing, so DO IT. When I was moving on from my past life, I chose always to say yes. My world had gotten so limited like the relationship I was in.  When you get scared to take that as a personal challenge to do it. Always say yes. You will be surprised at the things you can accomplish and the people you will meet along the way.

Go on vacation

traveling is the best thing for a broken heart. We forget that life is more than the bubble we live in. It’s a huge world and it will bring things into perspective plus you have so many memories to bury the past with which in the end will help you to move on.

Read self-help books and listen to positive podcasts

I know it’s cheesy but there is good stuff in others experience and advice. Heck, you wouldn’t be reading this post if you didn’t want to change yourself so get obsessed with being better, feeling better. Even trying to better yourself can help you feel better. So get to it, I love The Motivational High Five but find what works for you.

Re-establish friendships with friends and family.

Bad relationships lead to breakups which then have unfortunately put our loved ones as collateral damage. Re-establish those friendships and like I said before don’t be scared to make new ones.

Create goals

Are you happy with your job? No? Change it. Do you hate where you live? Yes? Move. You only have one life to live to get living it instead of surviving it. You don’t like something change it. And keep changing it till you love it.

And finally, upgrade on that relationship

This breakup will be the hardest thing ever do but the best choice you’ve ever made. there is someone out there that will make you look back at the relationship you just left and you will think how crazy you were to ever be so upset it ended. Find someone better, that fits you better, communicates better and has a similar love language as you.  We don’t look hard enough to find the people that will suit us best and possibly be our soul mates. So look because I can tell you by experience when you find them you will be happy. Life will be so easy and you will look back at your past relationships and laugh that you ever thought that was love. Don’t settle, your fairy tale does exist.

Thank you for tuning into my post on Val’s Bytes, check out more post’s at ANYTHINGGIRLY.com

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Anxiously Waiting

This past weekend I was presented with a new thought. Growing up, I was told to be on time. Worse, I was told I had to be 5 minutes early because being on time was considered late. You can thank my military upbringing. I have always made an effort to let people know I was on my way, running late or I couldn't make it. Something in my conscience told me that was the right thing to do. After doing some thinking after a conversation, I started to wonder where the anxiety came from. Why did I feel the necessity to tell someone so much information without them asking for it? I felt it was polite or the right thing to do but was it even something they cared to know. I'm not honestly sure, I did it because I felt it was a courtesy. But this goes deeper than all of that. After reading The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, I realize that we do things and hope the same in return.

I've learned over time that you should not expect people to be like you. Trust me, it wasn't easy considering I can be a grammar nazi sometimes and I want to correct anyone any chance I get. But that, in turn, it's unnecessary. People respect you more when they ask you for help and you provide it. I learned to just be patient and be there when someone needs help with something that I know.

Recently, I realized that I struggled with just that, the know it all attitude. I have been so proud of being on time, I didn't realize that I was imposing the behavior on someone who wasn't accustomed to my punctuality. I started to dig deeper into why I got nervous when they didn't arrive in the time expected and an old friend reared their ugly head.

I know I've mentioned in previous blogs before but I have experienced serious bouts with abandonment. It all boils down to being left alone, then, feeling uncomfortable because I was expecting that person to come to my call and take the aloneness away. This realization surprised me. I felt that I have come a long way from where I was last year but for whatever reason, I'm still battling an old demon.

As I continue to discover nuances about myself, I have to remember all of the learning I did late last year and early this year. Stay in the moment, enjoy those you are with and time is of the essence. Be positive. Never let old demons beat you because they are not who you are. You are now, the present not what's on your mind.

Cranky Mornings

This morning, I woke up in a super cranky mood.  I never understood how some days I'm a ball of positivity and others I just want to claw someone's eyes out.  It's like every email or request makes me wish I was still at home cuddled in bed watching useless tv.  I ask myself, why does this happen?  I wonder if being a woman in a hormonal state causes some sort of unwanted emotion?  Does this happen to men?  Is there really a division in the sexes?  I never liked to think so but the older I get and the more aware of my emotions I become, the more I think there is. Normally, in these situations, I pop some "happy pills".  A term coined by my coworkers after taking some St. John's Wort (a natural supplement).  We're not sure if it has a placebo affect, but it does work.  So, in essence, it doesn't matter if its a placebo or not.  :-)

After feeling the way I felt this morning, I turned on Joel Osteen's podcast from yesterday and that didn't work.  I'll keep looking for something a little positive to put some pep in my step.

Who do I want to be?

A couple of nights ago, I was having a conversation with the Comedian about my last post. We talked about the human condition and our parents. I have always compared my parents to my friend's parents and wished I was in a different situation. I spent the majority of my teens and early twenties trying to figure out how to live life. My dad had left and my mom was never very emotionally available. During that time, I didn't have much guidance, all I knew is that I wanted to leave go away to college and that's what I did. I lived the cliche life of a lost college girl figuring it all out or letting my friends figure it out for me. My point after all of this is that I really didn't have much guidance during that time of my life. Finding my identity was not an easy feat but I don't believe it's an easy feat for anyone, I guess I personally found it difficult because I didn't have anyone to look up to.At the end of the day, everyone has a story. Someone's parents used to abuse them or their father was an alcoholic. I believe those traits might either give us character or we fall into the same pattern. (On a side note, I find this topic even more interesting because I started it a few days ago and on my way back from Miami this past weekend, the Comedian and I were listening to Joel Osteen who gave a sermon on a very similar topic... ahh serendipity). You, as a person, chooses whether you want to inherit your parent's habits. Some of make excuses for every day life, it's because its the way my mom did it or its because my dad had a temper. Life is really about choices. We choose our clothes each day, what time we wake up, whether we wear our hair up or down. It's maybe hard to comprehend but you do have a choice to be angry or upset. I believe I read this quote once:

"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours." ~Wayne Dyer

In Joel Osteen's message, he said you are the one who can break the personality trait and you choose whether you pass it down to your children. My point out of all of this is whether you have guidance or not, at the end of the day, you have the final choice on how you want to be as a person. It might be hard to believe, but once you consistently think positively and pay close attention to your actions, things will start to look different. People will start treating you differently. It's absolutely amazing.

You don't have to be your mother's habits or have your father's temper. You can be whomever you want to be. It's the beauty of the mind. It's yours.