The Truth to Matchmaking

It seems every time I meet a guy friend of The Comedian's, I get asked, do I have any single girlfriends.  The answer is, yes, I do.  Whether I feel they are an appropriate match for that person is a biased opinion. Hooking people up or matchmaking is a science.  You can't just hook two people up all willy nilly.  The Comedian believes I have a sickness because I'm always trying to hook people up.  Yes, I do think if there's an opportunity, I will jump on it and try to get two people together.  I love LOVE and I want people to be in love like I am.  It's just not that simple.  After I have made the grave error of trying to put two people together, I realize that they are not ready for a relationship or they simply don't want one.

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day.  We were talking about matchmaking.  I had come across a friend who is a great catch.  Granted, he doesn't live in Florida. What I didn't express to her was that he was in no position to be in a relationship.  He simply didn't want one.  Rather than pushing some romanticized idea down a man's throat, I would rather leave him alone until he's ready and willing to make the jump.  A couple of instances I was fortunate in matchmaking, both the guy and girl were looking for relationships.  One example, in particular, I met this guy when I was single who's personality did not mesh with mine romantically.  He explained to me what he was looking for in a relationship.  A light bulb went off because I knew someone who fit his criteria to a "T."  I strategically brought him to a place I knew she would be and five years later, they are still together.

Another caveat is some people want relationships without being ready for one.  There's something to be said about doing the work on yourself before entering into a committed relationship with someone who is mentally stable.  I always tell people,

You can't be happy with someone else if you are not happy with yourself.

I worked a lot on myself before going into a relationship.  There were a lot of frogs I had to kiss before I found my prince charming.  What I find interesting about them is that many of them are still single.  I think what drove me the craziest in my single life was the lack of consideration a man would have for my time.  If you make plans, either stick to them or cancel them.  Sigh... some guys are just cowards.

Anyhow, I see some of my girlfriends struggle with dating.  I get it.  It's tough out there, however, if you're confident, love yourself, and recognize that when someone likes you that you respect their feelings, then you are ready for love.  I also say,

You have to be the person you want to be in a relationship before you are in a relationship.

If you think it's totally acceptable to go out with your girls three times a week, that's fine.  But think of how someone you might be interested in would perceive that imagery.  If you're looking for someone to party with, then you might be doing right by you.  A real man is looking for someone he can enjoy his life with.  He doesn't want to fight over petty things or worries that you might dive into a deep depression because he forgot this was the anniversary of your first kiss.

Matchmaking is not a simple hook up, at least it isn't for me.  Real love deserves thought.

A Commitphobe strikes again!

I am sincerely honored to get asked advice from someone who I normally speak to in my social circle.  Thank you so much for reading my blog! Here goes:

Dear Val,

I have fallen for a commitphobe guy which I dated for 2 months. He has been in relationships up to 5 years but only because of his children. Every time we got close to one another he would pull away. Last week, he introduced me to his friend and cousin. Then next day, I noticed texts were getting colder. That Saturday we met up again, I felt his coldness when we attended his partner's party. That's when we finally had a massive argument. He made excuses that I was disrespecting him at his partner's party, like crossing my arms and not turning my face from me. He took photos of me crossing my arms to prove it to me. He then stormed out of party and asked "Where shall I take you?" He wanted to go home and said I should go home too. I was confused, distraught, and didn't easily leave. I tried to reason with him but it got worse.

Since that day he's been stalking my Facebook and putting sarcastic posts up. I cropped one of photos up from the party and posted it not in a bad way. He then posted he needs a vacation and was writing to his friends to go away next week for his birthday to Istanbul.

1. He knew I wanted to go to Istanbul and worse still is I booked the trip.

2. Also knows paid for a bed , breakfast & dinner date, and a yacht for his birthday.

He has also cropped my pic out and posted as profile pic.

When I post pics from party he likes them of course sarcastically to hurt me or puts quotes he will be in a relationship in 2016.  I sent him a few pics of him from party and he sent me the 2 pics with me looking other way or crossing arms.

This is just an excuse, why doesn't he move on then or delete me instead of checking my posts and being bitter.

I should move on yes but it does hurt me. I am fed up with his mind games but I miss him too in some sense.

Could you give me any advice, please?

Sincerely,

K

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear K,

First and foremost, I would like to thank you seeking advice from me.  I really appreciate it.

Second, here's my advice...

I'm not sure of your friend's previous situation however it seems he is extremely emotionally immature and not ready for a real relationship.  Some commitophobes tend to make excuses to not get into another relationship one way or another.  He has to be hurt from some previous experience to be scared to want to commit again.

From your email, I noticed there is some abusive behavior that is not healthy for you or for him for that matter.  You were probably excited to share the pictures from the party and his response was negative.  This is a classic case of trying to build his ego.  He is only concerned about making himself feel good and not with your own well being.

If there's any way for you to potentially go on the trip with a good friend of yours at another time without a huge penalty, I would recommend that.  The reason why some guys don't let someone go is because they do not like the idea of rejection.  Again, it boosts his ego knowing that he can always go to you when he needs you.  This does nothing for you, only causes you confusion and pain.

Like I told a friend not too long ago, if you love something let it go and if it comes back it's yours.  In this case, your guy here needs to grow up emotionally a little bit before he can have someone significant in his life.

As hard as it is to walk away from someone you fell for, do it for yourself.  You will be much happier in the long run.  Relationships are not supposed to be this hard so early.  It is supposed to be all butterflies in your stomach, happy moments, and longing to be with that person ALL of the time.

You're absolutely right.  It's going to suck for a little while.  Put yourself first.  You should be number one in your life all of the time.  Loving yourself only makes it easier for someone else to love you.  Trust me, I've been there, I remember the happy moments and wonder why I ended things but then I realize I love myself too much to put myself through the pain again.

Let me know how you're doing through the process.  I can suggest some books or even podcasts to listen to that will make you feel better while you are going through the break up.

Sincerely,

Val

Caller Smart - The app that will block catfishing

Have you ever wondered how to prevent potential Catfishing or ending up in a situation like my friend from one of my previous blogs, What's your last name again?   Well, guess what?  There's an app for that! Katie from Caller Smart reached out to me to spread the word on how their app can help eliminate the possibility of having the wool pulled over your eyes.  It can happen to anyone.  Imagine being at a bar and you exchange phone numbers with a guy that has just made you giggle for the last half an hour.  What if you can look up his phone number to solidify that he is actually who he says he is.  Not only that, but there is a forum on Caller Smart  where other gals can put comments about that particular person under their phone number.  Just another saving grace that will keep you from dating someone who potentially just want to get into your pants.

Katie Boudreau from Caller Smart explained during our interview that the app is a community phone book that is free and available on the iTunes store.  There are additional services such as background checks that cost a little extra through a 3rd party site.  What you do is look up a phone number and check out whether there are any comments regarding the person in question.  This also works for telephone scams.  When did it become okay for telemarketers to call our cell phones??  You can leave feedback on the number as well letting the world know how awful of a tipper the guy was or whether he was just scamming to get into your panties.  The comments are monitored so keep the raunchy language at home.

Katie said that privacy is taken very seriously and you can only search by phone number not by name.  What was also really interesting is that there are scammers out there who target those in their silver years.  It reminds me of the days I was a telemarketer myself and sold credit cards to my elders. (sigh... college jobs but the past is the past) There are people out there who claim to fall in love with those who are older and alone.  Then they convince them to send them money.  That's sooo awful!

Keep yourself safe and those you love safer from scams, deuchebags, and just really really bad people.  Download the Caller Smart app from the iTunes store or check out their website at CallerSmart.com.

Wedding Planning is for the Birds

If anyone really, really knows me, I sincerely don’t like being the center of attention.  I like to meander through the crowd getting to know people one on one.  Shoot, I always turn beet red when people start singing “Happy Birthday” to me.  Being put right in the spotlight is not really my thing.  So what does that say for my experience in becoming a bride?  I’ll tell you.  I have this sensation of anxiety anytime anyone asks me, “So how is the wedding planning going?” Again, if you really know me, you know that I’m a hustler and I don’t like to wait to get things done.  With that being said, almost everything is planned except for the wedding cake, bridesmaids dress, and other tiny little details.  I do operations for a living people!  Haha!  I guess my only real anxiety with wedding planning is finding the finances to pay for it.  I have always been good with saving, however, this expense is a little bit out of my reach.  Our parents have been great in helping us out financially but it’s just not enough.  I’m not sure how else other people stress out about the details.  Maybe it’s the fact they want to please everyone on their guest list and they want to everything to be perfect.  However, I’ve learned over time that nothing ever comes out exactly the way you planned.

I’ve expressed my anxiety of wedding planning to some people and they tell me, “Just enjoy the process”.  I do like to put together parties but I also like to know that I can afford things.  Don’t get me wrong, we’re not desperately poor by any means, we’re just middle class Americans trying to plan something close to the wedding of our dreams.  I just didn’t realize flowers cost so much!  It’s crazy that I saved almost $100 by removing 1 rose from each of the centerpieces.  Insane!  If I had all the money in the world, I would cover the whole room in flowers and have flamenco dancers and a photo booth.

We have been blessed by some great people who are doing us favors.  I am truly grateful for that fact.  My next endeavor is to do this timeline.  Seriously, I didn’t know each and every detail needed to be planned out.  I guess the bridezillas of the world have created extra work for us more laid back types.

On a happier note, we got some of our engagement photos in!  Enjoy!

Commitaphobes vs Monogamers

A good friend of mine, "Los" (short for Carlos) and I have talked several times about commitephobes and monogamers.  Both of them exist in the dating world.  I admit, for a long time, I was a commitaphobe.  There was a point I was about to get married to someone and I wanted to run so far, he would never find me.  I also dated several guys to the point where it was easy to run.  This had to do a lot with my abandonment issues.  It was easier to leave than to get too close to be vulnerable.  I then found my match... "The Comedian".  Oddly enough, he was known as a monogamer.   So what is a monogamer?  That is someone who is always in long term relationships.  My younger sister is a monogamer.  It is rare that she is out of a relationship for a long period of time.  She likes being in relationships and so does my fiance. When I met "The Comedian", I wondered what made me different from the other relationships he had in the past.  Would I be another long term relationship that would lead to eventual heartbreak?  I think my honesty upfront cleared up a lot of questions.  I would not be in a relationship unless I knew it was going to be something real.  There was something very different about "The Comedian" and there were other things that kind of put us together like the law of attraction.

There was definitely a change in me when I met him.  I knew it had to be a special guy for me to settle down.  It was kind of like Carrie and Big.  My ex fiance was like Aidan... I knew something was wrong and I ran.  "The Comedian" was always my "Mr. Big".  He has a big personality and a big heart.

I have come across both monogamers and commitaphobes in my quest for love.  I think I also liked the chase of a commitaphobe.  Those who made it too easy and they didn't challenge me caused me to want to run the other way.  I guess I wanted the "bad boy" in a sense.  Someone that was hard to get.  Who doesn't like an unhealthy challenge? (haha jk)  I think my friends who are married thought I was kind of a nut for these challenges but all in all I was on a quest for something great.  My own version of Sex and the City.  Carrie says it best,

“I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.'”

I'm not sure how a monogamer and a commitaphobe got together but it works.  He pulls the best out of me and I do all that I can to learn to be vulnerable.  I know he loves me for my heart and the ability to continue to grow with him.  I made a decision that if I was going to really find love, I would have to let go and that's exactly what I did.

We're Engaged!!!

It finally happened!  The Comedian and I are engaged.  All is good in the world.  I know that I am about two weeks late on sharing this news with the world other than my friends and family and social media followers but I digress… I won’t lie and say I didn’t see it coming, however, I did not know the details of what the Comedian was planning.  The moment I knew something was awry was when he asked me which bowtie he should wear.  Normally, he does put on a bowtie unless we’re headed to a wedding or something similar.

After getting all dolled up, we were on our way.  The Comedian said we would stop to just take a walk for a little bit.  Needless to say, I was starving so deep down inside, I was thinking to myself that I didn’t want to keep my hopes up and imagine that we were sincerely out to dinner after our excursion.  He parked at our favorite park, Cranes Roost, which happened to be under construction.  I was a little saddened by that because it’s such a great park and I was looking forward to stroll.

The Comedian then lead me towards a little area in front of the lake right in front of a wedding party taking pictures at the same time.  (How serendipitous, no?)  He held my two hands, looked into my eyes, and then started his speech.  At that time, I’m screaming in my head, OMG IT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!  He goes on to express that I will never know how much he loves me (my heart beats even faster) then he gets down on one knee and asks, “Will you marry me?”  Naturally, I burst into tears and just kept repeating the word “yes”.  He gets up and we share salty kisses due to my inability to stop crying.

Then the Comedian takes me back to the car, tells me to put my purse in the trunk, I sit in the passenger side and he blindfolds me.  At this moment, I’m thinking to myself, “Oh we’re going to his parent’s house”.  I’m only ticked off because he tells me that traditionally there’s something else we do and that would be the only thing that crossed my mind.  Imagine, a woman in the front seat of a car with a blindfold on?  It was definitely a bit of a spectacle considering the Comedian kept telling me that other drivers were looking suspicious when they took a glance into our car.

We finally arrive at our destination, the Comedian rolls down his window and someone screams, “Is that you, Gio?”  I thought, “Hold on a second, who is that?”  We get out of the car and the Comedian tries to guide me to the door, while blindfolded.  Needless to say, we walked through the grass and I was wearing heels.  It was an accident waiting to happen but I made it without a twisted ankle.  We stopped, he took off my blindfold and everyone one yelled, “Surprise!” Over 60 of our closest friends and family were at the Comedian’s parent’s house for a surprise engagement party.  I was consumed with love and tears.  I couldn’t believe he planned all of this without me knowing.  It was absolutely incredible.  There are no words to describe how I was feeling at that moment.  Just wow…

So you ask, “What is it like now that I’m engaged?”  I will tell you, it is a bit relieving in the sense that we have grown so much as a couple and it has made it to this milestone in our relationship.  I spoke to some friends of mine who have known me for a while and they are just sincerely happy.  After all of the bad date stories, mediocre boyfriends, and so many other hurdles, I have finally found my prince charming.  I am utterly on cloud 9.  The Comedian has been an amazing person to learn and grow with.  I am just honored that we get to continue to grow for many, many years to come.

Here are some more pictures from that day...

5 Steps on Flirting at the Bar

I love these wedding pictures of the Comedian and I from New York.  There were way too many props for the photo booths and goodies given out on the dance floor.  Definitely a time I will remember for the rest of my life, but I digress.  We're here to give you tips, tips for the ladies.  I know it might be intimidating but let me hold your hand through this process.  Don't forget to be yourself and have fun! Yes, normally, a bar is not a great place to meet a significant other, however, you never know.  Why jeopardize an opportunity when it presents itself?  As a woman, the social stigma is to allow the guy pursue you, however, if someone catches your eye why not make yourself available to be pursued.

1.  Take a quick glance

Remember, most men find hitting on a woman intimidating especially when she is out with her girlfriends.  If you catch someone looking at you and he tickles your fancy, give him a quick smile then turn your head back to your friends and casually continue talking.  The test is the second glance.  If you catch him looking at you again, look at him, bat your flirting eyelashes, and smile again.

2.  Divide and Conquer

You must separate yourself from your friends.  Let them know someone caught your eye and you are going to give him the opportunity to speak to you.  Just in case something wrong happens, they know where you went.  If the guy is interested, he will approach you.  By leaving your friends, you made the

situation less intimidating.  It might be hard to fathom but a group of women can be scary.

3.  OMG!  He's coming over?!

When he does approach you, just say “hi, how are you?”  Don’t come on too strong by starting your whole life story.  You don’t want to scare this guy off.  He will continue the conversation and if he is truly interested in getting to know you, he will start asking questions about you.

4.  Let the drinks start rollin' in

If you hit it off in conversation, he will more than likely offer to buy you a drink.  If he does, accept it but do keep on an eye on that drink but keep your drink minimum to 2 or 3 at most depending on your tolerance.  You don’t want to get drunk and do things you might regret.  Drunk flirting can get you in situations you might not be ready for.  You don't want to accidentally tell him about the time you got in trouble for a hit and run right off the bat.  As my friend Los says,

"Only release a little crazy at a time."

5.  To date or not to date? 

There is a possibility this guy might become inappropriate.  If he makes a sexual reference right off the bat, just tell him it was nice to meet him and go back to your friends.  Remember, you are flirting in a bar.  You are the one in power of the conversation.  If he is truly interested in getting to know you, he will not bring up sex the first time you meet.

Finally, if the vibe is great, exchange numbers and go back to your friends.  Don’t forget the real reason you went to the bar, to spend time with the people who will love you no matter what.  So sashay your way back to your cooing friends and fill them in on the juicy information.

Why do women need control?

A few weeks ago, I was on a radio show and one of the hosts made a comment that she always pays for dinner, even on the first date.  I did not agree with her, however, I kept my true opinion to myself because it wasn't my moment.

There is an underlying reason for wanting that control.  Whether a guy took advantage of her in the past or her mother brought up to think that she can only fend for herself might be an explanation.  Part of falling for someone is being vulnerable, to let go, and to be completely and utterly intimate with someone else.  When you're holding onto the control, you never get to really feel the power of what love can do.  I cannot guarantee you won't get hurt but

"Is it better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all?"

Honestly, that is your decision to make.  Personally, I want to love.  Just like Carrie from Sex and the City says,

"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

I am not going to put down women in power but there is something beautiful about femininity. Why do we have to erase it from our very core? All because women need to be powerful in the courtroom does not mean that behind closed doors they cannot be someone else.  This past weekend, I went to a conference and a body language expert said something.

"A woman's biggest strength is her warmth" - Susan Constantine MPsy

Yes, there is a double standard as women as leaders in the business world, but our make up is such that we are able to multitask better than men.  That we do have a power that other men do not have, warmth.  However, there is something to be said about melting to a man’s arms in a passionate embrace in the bedroom. Personally, I feel there’s nothing like it. There is no better high than hot, passionate, sweet, raw sex. If you have never experienced it before, it is because you have never let go of control and let emotions take over. You are severely missing out.

Regardless of everyone’s opinion, after all of the books I’ve read about relationships and advice, there is one prevailing theme. Men are the providers and protectors and women are the nurturers. Why fight Mother Nature? Out of the unhappy relationships I see, there is a balance that is not met. Whether you read the The 5 Love Languages or Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, understanding your role in your relationship and how your significant other loves you is what makes it all work.

If a man offers to pay, open a door, or compliment you, take it. Don’t fight it and want to control the situation. The man is simply doing what he was brought up to do. He is not trying to take your power or make you less of a woman(unless he's a total deuche). What makes you a woman is something else. It’s the fact that you can take on 20 tasks at a time and still have time to get your nails done, or the fact we have a high threshold of pain and the ability to bear children. That’s what makes us beautiful, a woman. We are smart, beautiful, and capable. Yes, we might not all NEED a man but he wants to feel needed. Let him have it. Why take it away?

Is the Perfect Man Out There?

Recently, the Comedian went on a radio show (shout out to Central Florida Live).  Of course, I was intently listening in on the broadcast as any proud girlfriend should.  Towards the end of the program, they brought up something very interesting.  Are women's standards way too high?  Now, I started to think, are women's standards too high, like for real? Naturally, I called in because this was my forte, this was my topic... dating.  It was funny because the conversation between the Comedian and I was natural.  He asked me, "Babe, what is that thing you always say?"

I replied, "He may not be perfect but he's perfect for me."

That's really the point.  Everyone has a different favorite flavor of ice cream.  We all get caught up in what might be "good on paper".  A guy might have all of the qualities you were looking for but if your personalities don't click, then what's the point.  Being picky is okay as long as you are willing to give up a thing or two if you really want to find love.

I think I talk about this woman all of the time, Patti Stanger.  In her book, Become Your Own Matchmaker, she talks about your 5 non-negotiables.  Like 5 things you cannot live without in a significant other.  This might take a little soul searching to figure out which 5 are it.  I would suggest writing out a list of things you want in your significant other then cut the list down until you have your 5 left.  I know this is hard... just take a pen and paper, a deep breath, and do it.

I'll give you my 5 non-negotiables and let me know how the Comedian fits.  (trust me... it's uncanny)

1. MUST BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF FINANCIALLY
2. MUST NOT BE SHY
3. MUST BE FAMILY ORIENTED
4. MUST BE WELL GROOMED
5. MUST WANT TO TRY NEW THINGS

I know... weird right?  It's pretty spot on if you ask me.  Someone once told me while I was searching for a job that you have to know what job you're looking for in order to get the one that fits.  Why should it not be the same to find the "Perfect Man"?

I am a huge advocate for narrowing down your interests so that you're not just dating to date.  Trust me, I've been there, done that.  And also, prayer does go a long way.  As they say, it does happen when you least expect it.  As many times as I didn't want to believe it, that cliche is true.

You are allowed to be picky but be picky in a way that it fits and let some things go. Not every man is going to remember to put the toilet seat down or bring you flowers every day of the week but find what fits what you need.  I needed to laugh for the rest of my life and that's exactly what I got.

Opposites DO attract!

So I was talking to the Comedian last night and, for whatever reason, it finally dawned on me that we had a lot less in common that I thought.  It's not a bad thing at all but I realized that over the last 2 1/2 years, I didn't see what those differences were. It's apparent that I'm a social butterfly.  I love people.  I will talk to a random person if they are sitting next to me because I just don't like the awkwardness of not knowing who's around PLUS you might learn something interesting.  Like this weekend, I met someone who brewed for Cigar City, a brewery in Tampa with some great beers.  Anyhow, the Comedian would prefer to sit at home and watch movies instead of go out on the town.  He does accommodate my craziness but it's all about compromise.  This was a HUGE adjustment for me in the beginning.  Growing up, my mom used to tell me I had ants in my pants.  I have no idea why I want to be out in the world discovering but its what I like to do.  A good friend of mine said it could possibly be FOMO (fear of missing out).  Who knows...

I have to honestly say though, I think the Comedian balances me out a little bit.  I am starting (yes, just starting) to learn to enjoy being at home and relaxing.  I have grown a huge appreciation for nights on the couch watching TV or movies.  Just us two.  No one else.  It's comforting.

Regardless of the fact, we do share things in common like a strange sense of humor, sarcasm, and similar goals in life like when to have kids and what kinds of careers we would like to have in the future.  The Comedian says something all of the time that makes me think.

"We spend our 30s fixing all of the mistakes we made in our 20s."

Crazy to think my 20s were as tumultuous as they were, however, I am grateful that maturity finally caught up to me and I'm able to see our relationship for what it really is.  Just two people who want to live a happy life together.  So simple... but true.

Here are some pictures from this past weekend, we had a blast!  The 80s were the best!

Being in a Healthy Relationship

Recently, I read an article from The Times and shared it with the Comedian called 14 Signs You're in a Healthy Relationship.  I love sharing articles like this with him because we can talk about it and how we can improve our relationship.  The best thing about finding someone with the same goals is that they understand what it is to continue growing TOGETHER.  I can happily say that we were able to check off the majority of the 14 signs.  The Comedian has always said that we need to have a solid foundation before bringing kids in the world.

There a few points that really stuck out in my mind.

First, Have Your Own Space

It is so important to still keep who you are intact.  It kind of ties into another point to love yourself.  Before you got into this relationship, you were you're own person.  You had you're own friends, family, hobbies, and so on.  You might have to give up some of your SSB (Secret Single Behaviors) like eating crackers while standing but that's okay.  You can do those habits when you're loved one is away.  They might be curious as to why the cracker box is empty but hey, old habits die hard.  You should not lose who you were before you were in a relationship.  Yes, you will grow and change as you are with your significant other, however, you should still have you intact.  Never forget to make plans with your girlfriends for a night out, call a old friend from time to time, and let your partner know who they are.

I think the most difficult part of having my own space is battling gender roles and knowing I have really good guy friends.  Yes, I sincerely believe you can have friends who are guys that don't want to sleep with you.  These friendships come few and far between.  They are not common at all but they exist.  If a friend crosses that boundary of friendship with sex and you're in a relationship, its best to cut them off because a true friend would want you to be happy and they wouldn't come between your relationship.  I know, I know, it's easier said than done.  This is where you figure out what is more important, the relationship with your friend or your significant other.

You Like Yourself and Your Partner

"You must love yourself before you can love anyone else"

It is so important to have a good handle on who you are as a person before getting into a relationship.  I had bouts of depression all through my 20's and I don't think I really figured out what it was to be happy with myself until I watched The Secret.  I realized that I am the only one responsible for my happiness.  When I discovered what that felt like, everything changed.  Magically enough, it led me to The Comedian which goes to show you that when the Universe is ready, it will give you what you pray for.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect.  I still battle with insecurities, however, I try not to let it overpower my happiness.  When you are happy with yourself, then it will resonate.  People will be drawn to your happiness simply because they like to be around happy people.  This also applies to your relationship.  You should like or even love your partner as well.  They will get on your nerves and you will get frustrated with each other (it's inevitable) but at the end of the day, they have to be the person you want to lay next to you at night.

Talk to your Partner not Other People

I will honestly say, I struggle with this the most.  With my girlfriends, it seems so easy to just slip into talking about your relationship and what's wrong with it.  They complain about their husbands and arguments and what they do and don't do.  Sometimes I feel compelled to share my frustrations but it's not right.  First, you are not one to judge only God can.  You should not judge your partner.  Yes, you might not agree with how they do things but that is who they are, that is who you fell in love with.  Second, its difficult to be in a group and not want to be a part of the conversation.  I really make an effort to keep my opinions to myself and let my girlfriends just go on and on about whatever ails them.  I have to remember, in my mind, The Comedian is really the best person I could have ever dreamed of and he treats me amazingly well.  After all the frogs I have kissed, I have finally found my prince.  I don't want to go back to kissing frogs any time soon!

Finally, Say I Love You and Thank you

It is so important to thank your significant other for whatever they do.  Especially if their love language is words of affirmation.  I mean, he could take out the garbage for the 50th time but I still say "Thank you".  Something as simple as acknowledging the small things can make a difference by leaps and bounds.  Plus, if you have children, it is important that they see how you and your partner respect each other.   If you make it a habit now, then in the future, you will see all of the small things come to light.  

All in all, relationships are built on just loving each other for the small things.  Over time, the bigger reasons why you began might disappear but the small things you do day to day will always be there.  You have to remember that this list from Time Magazine is just a framework to having a healthy relationship.  I can say, mine is not perfect and we work at it every day but I know it has a really healthy foundation.  

Her story, his story, and the truth about break ups

It has been a very interesting day.  I was asked to give break up advice on two different instances.  What is interesting about break ups is that no one break up is the same.  There is a different reason, different circumstance, and two very different people.  In all honesty, I'm not in the relationship so I cannot give advice as a person who understand both sides.   What I can say for break ups is that the recovery from them is different from person to person.

My personal way of handling hard times such as this is to listen to really bad love songs, lying down on my couch, and drinking a bottle of wine alone.  For whatever reason, that's how I cope.  You need to let out the tears and the emotion to really let go of what had happened.  Its all about going through motions.  The most important thing I find is to get back to yourself.  Before a relationship, you're a different person.  You know who you are and are hopefully enjoying life through your own eyes.  When you're in a relationship, things change.  There's another person that you share things with and you share yourself with.  It's very easy to get lost in who you are and who you think you're supposed to be.  Finding yourself within in a relationship is one thing I felt that has been really important.  If you want to end up with someone in the long run, you have to know and understand who you are in a relationship for the relationship to be successful but that's not what this post is about.

At the end of the day, all break ups are different.  No, you're not supposed to sleep with someone to get over it or drink yourself to oblivion.  You're supposed to feel the pain, understand who you are after the break up, and be the person you want to be after the fact.  Other than that, the rest is fluff.  To try to understand why the other person broke it off might drive you insane.  You have to remember, there are always three sides to a story.  Your side, their side, and the truth.  No story is the same.  Stop listening to all of your friend's advice and listen to you heart.  Isn't your heart the one you have to live with in the first place?

AOL Chat Rooms and My Prom Date

Recently, I read an article about two dating gurus met on twitter and are now engaged. The woman in this situation mentioned that she had been dating online since she was 19. At that point, I felt compelled to tell my story. I started dating online since I was 17. Almost 12 years of dating online until the Comedian and I made it official. In the days of AOL chat rooms and dial up, I was curious on how to meet new people. Right before my prom, I had asked an old coworker that I was interested in to come with me and he agreed. Needless to say, I should had at least reminded him on a monthly or weekly basis that he was taking me. When it was a few weeks before the prom, I called in to check on him. We weren't seriously dating nor did I know what kind of relationship we had so I had a hard time keeping track or getting returned phone calls. Finally, when I did get in touch with him, he informed me he totally forgot and that he was sorry. He had to work that day.

I was devastated. This was my senior prom and my world was over. For a 17 year old, that was serious business. I hit the chat rooms. I think at the time there was an Orlando chat room and I entered, just to get some sort of consolation. I entered my a/s/l and the conversations started flowing. "Hey Valenlatina", "What's going on Valen". Finally, I started a conversation with someone. He lived about an hour away and was willing to hear my sob story. A girl in need of a date for prom.

After talking for a while, he finally said, "I'll take you to your prom." I was overjoyed. I had a date! But first I had to meet this guy in person.

We met a local tourist spot called Old Town. If you're from Kissimmee/Orlando, you know exactly where this place is. He was a very polite guy and this was a good first meeting. Really nothing to write home about. We walked around Old Town and talked. My online experience was officially a success. He wasn't exactly my type and that became more apparent at my prom, however, I NEEDED a date.

The rest was history. I was just not that into him. My mom thought he was cute though. Better her than me, I guess. This is where my dating adventures began and I wouldn't change anything about it. Except my hair. I had really bad hair for my prom but that's another battle.

The Friend Zone

Sometimes, I get phone calls from my guy friends who are still single with the one struggle they can't seem to shake, the Friend Zone. I have mentioned before that a woman knows what she wants within the first 30 seconds of meeting you. There is a possibility that she might change her mind and/or you'll grow on her but for the most part she has made her choice. Don't get me wrong, I know couples where the woman in the relationship wasn't really sold on her suitor at first. But that is always the exception, not the rule.

I think the main problem with being in the friend zone is the guy becomes infatuated with the idea of being with this person. There is some looming idea that there is a slight possibility that you should be together. Normally, I recognize the "Friend Zone" right away. I tell them to cut ties before they get hurt... but no, my friends all masochists. They want to continue the dream that one day, they will be with their "dream girl". I might come off as spiritual, however, I am a firm believer that when the right person comes into your life, you will know. It won't be a struggle, it will be just right. I have no problem with fighting for what's right but you can't change someone's opinion. They will have to WANT to change themselves. Don't force it.

There is a common trend with those who end up in the friend zone. They tend to be insecure and are afraid to make a move. I will be very honest and say that a woman likes a man who is a hunter, someone who isn't afraid to make a move. Also, when you end the "friendship" and they come back, then you're in control and can change the circumstances. Tell them that you want to be exclusive and if they honestly cannot do that, then they can go off onto their own path. You know the adage, if you love something, let it go and if it comes back, it's yours. But on your terms.

I am reminded by one particular person while writing this. I hate to see those close to me suffering through heartache. I know it might be cruel and hard but I suggest that if someone is dragging you along, cut the chord! I've done it. You'll live to be a much happier person. One problem with being in the friend zone and the person who has "friend zoned" you is taking advantage of your hospitality towards them, it's better to take that out of your life. It is negative and it is a poison. There is one commonality in women that seems to trend is that we don't know what we want until its right in front of us. Just because its nice to have someone around to listen to your problems and be your friend, its not fair if there are feelings involved. Someone will always get hurt. Trust me, cut off the relationship. Find some sort of solace within your friends who are just friends and continue to live life.

Again, the right person will come along. I am not saying that because I have found love, I am saying that because I have seen it happen time and time again. Remember, only you are responsible for your own happiness. If you are in a situation where you know you are driving yourself nuts, then get out. No need to continue to put salt on a wound that stays open.

You're in charge of your love life

A comment was made to me recently which stirred up some emotions I hadn't encountered in a while.  I won't mention the comment because I don't want to incriminate anyone.  It made me look back on my adventures of dating.  I had mentioned to several people in my life that I'm happy that I am 30 and found someone who is very special to me.  I think if I were to settle down with the first person I was in love with, I would be unhappy at this point. If you have followed my blogs, you know that I have encountered many different kinds of men who have taught me a thing or two about what I ultimately want in the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.  Call me naiive if you must but I sincerely feel that being single as long as I had been prepared me to truly appreciate the Comedian. Sometimes I feel it was serendipitous how it all happened.  There were a few men who I gave chances more than once because I didn't want to be the superficial person that I had been in my early 20s.  Those experiences flopped.  But when I did give up and decided to focus on something else, he literally came out of nowhere.  I think God was just preparing me for the Comedian.

I don't believe there is a perfect person but there is a perfect person for me.  That's all that matters in the end.  That comment made just made me realize that I do know what I have and I am very lucky.  My point is to know yourself.  Know yourself, your wants, and your needs.  Only you are in charge of your own destiny.  Funny, I saw a movie recently which said,

"Every woman has the exact love life she wants" - The Wedding Date

There is a reason you date a certain guy. My advice is to search deep down within yourself and figure out what that reason is. In the long run, you will be a happier person. Only you are in charge of your destiny.

Is Rejection Worth the Risk

I realized I haven't posted in a while but I promise to add new content to my page on a more regular basis this coming year.  I will be starting my MBA in January but it doesn't matter.  Challenge Accepted! For whatever reason, I find it extremely intriguing when the Comedian gives dating advice to younger cousins.  It's not because his advice isn't valid or makes sense but all of it makes complete sense.  It gives me  insight into the mind of a man.  Because we met online, he never really used pick up lines or had to hit on me at the bar.  I have my own theories over several years of dating and being single.  I know to smile when I want someone to come over.  I know to laugh at his jokes even if they aren't funny.  I have to give it to men sometimes, because of social stigma, we expect them to take charge of the situation and risk getting rejected.  Women, over the years, have taken more of an initiative.  Call me "old fashioned" but I always felt out of place or too masculine if I took control and approached a guy.  In all honesty, I can say about 75% of the time I was rejected but if I was approached, more than 90% of the time there was some success in the conversation.

This, by all means, should not deter anyone from trying to approach someone their interested in.  I think everyone has to find what works for them.  I have learned to make the conversation about the other person not about me.  You learn much more about what might work or not work with that person the more you know about them.  Then again, that's what works for me.  I said something other  day,

"Dating is like math, there are different ways to get to the answer but all that matters is you have the correct answer in the end."

Regardless if you're a guy or a girl, there is a risk of rejection.  Don't lose faith.  There are sincerely "plenty of fish" in the sea.  That person was just not right for you.  My best girlfriend told me once,

"If he doesn't get your jokes, he's not for you."

What she said held a lot of truth.  My jokes can be very dry or very corny.  But that's just who I am.  I have a unique sense of humor and I needed to find someone who just got me.  Thankfully, the Comedian gets my jokes.  Whether they are funny or not.  Usually, they are just really corny so I laugh at myself anyway, ha!

My point is, if you never took the chance, you will never know the outcome.  Take the risk and you can say, at least I tried.  What's the worst that could happen?  She could say, "no".  Then go about your day like any other.  There will be another girl and another chance.

No One Likes the Same Flavor of Ice Cream

In the mornings, I like indulge myself with talk radio.  I know it's not good for me but I enjoy listening to other people ramble about their opinions except when the topic becomes really shallow, then I change to the station with no commercials and no talking.  The other day, a topic came up that I couldn't really listen to, it actually made me kind of sad that people need to justify themselves with the opinion. I might come off judgmental saying this, however, the topic was whether you get upset when you take the time to make yourself look good and no one compliments you.  In all reality, who cares?!?!  Beauty comes from the inside.  I have learned over the years that if I exude confidence and I know that I am beautiful then others will notice.  As a matter of fact, growing up, my younger sister always made it a competition to have all the boys like her.  I was very awkward and insecure from middle to high school.  She was always the pretty, thin one, popular one (in my eyes).  But one day, something happened... someone liked me over her.  Blasphemy!  Honestly, I was kind of shocked and surprised but that doesn't matter.

In time I learned that the same guys who like me aren't going to like her and vice versa.  I only say that because we are two different people.  We have different likes, we look very different, and have very different personalities.  I am okay with that.  I love nerds (which is very apparent if you were ever to meet the Comedian, he does IT for a living).  Some people used to ask me whether it bothered me if I was overlooked and I used to tell them,

"No one likes the same flavor of ice cream.  They just might not like my flavor."

Topics like the one mentioned on the radio the other just shows how insecure people might be.  They justify it with making it a big deal that they might spend 2 hours getting ready for whatever event they might be going to.  That's great!  Spend that time getting ready if it makes YOU feel beautiful.  At the end of the day, you are responsible for you so take care of yourself.  Make yourself look the way you feel.  There's a saying that goes,

"Dress for the job you want."

That also goes for every day life.  You deserve to feel beautiful inside and out regardless of the opinions are others.  Remember, opinions are like ummmm (trying not to curse) mouths, everyone has one.  :-)

The Next Step

It has been 10 blissful months with the love of my life, the Comedian.  I might get a little sappy in this post but I promise I have a point.  We are taking that next big step, moving in together.  On Sunday, we picked up the keys to our apartment where the lease has both of our names.  I believe any step taken with another person does require thought and consideration, however, sometimes you just know it's right. On Saturday night, we were at his cousin's house for a birthday party.  The Comedian mentioned to me that he was talking to his cousin regarding our new move.  He said, "This is a big step, are you ready?"  The Comedian didn't hesitate (in my head this is how the story went), he said,"When you know it's the right person, it isn't so big.  It's just the way its supposed to be."  Granted, I did do cartwheels in the back of my head when I heard this response but it was very true.  Sometimes we put emphasis on things that might seem like they are supposed to be complicated but what I've learned through this relationship that every move we've made, has just been the right one.  We live in a world of reality TV and dramas, so we expect our lives to be one but it doesn't have to be.

I remember having a conversation with a friend before dating The Comedian and he said, "When you know, you know".  It is so true.  Something about feeling at ease when you're with someone is the most peaceful feeling that I have experienced thus far.  In my past relationships, I would worry, do I need to babysit him?  Do I need to hold his hand around my friends?  Do I need to take care of everything?  The Comedian has shown me what its like to be treated the way a woman is supposed to be treated.

Don't ever settle for making excuses for your significant other.  I have been guilty of that as well.  They are supposed to be your partner.  In my case, my partner in peace ;-).

6 Points on Love in the Beginning...

I've been doing some reading today and it sparked some thoughts in regards to my life and relationships.  I have had ups and downs but all that had made me realize is that life is precious.  There are some points I wanted to address when it comes to starting a new relationship.  I found throughout my blogs, there were common themes.  Below, I discuss what I’ve learned prior to my relationship and during.  There is more to come as I learn about myself… 1.  Love will come when you least expect it

I can honestly say that this is very true.  When I look back on my relationships, all of them came in a time where I wasn’t looking for a relationship.  The times I did try to pursue someone, it always ended where I started questioning myself.  More than often enough, those were times where that person wasn’t as in to me as I was into them.  Currently, I couldn’t be happier and trust me, the person I am with is the last person on earth I expected to contact me.  However, I am so grateful that he did.  Sometimes we leave marks on people’s hearts and lives.  Those who realize those marks are the ones who treasure them more than anyone.

2.  Be Patient

One thing I learned prior to my current relationship was to be patient.  I had been struggling with abandonment issues for a fairly long time.  Granted, almost any girl freaks out when the guy she likes doesn’t respond right away, even if he’s just taking a nap.  It’s the unknown that is the scary part.  Some ladies hide it better than others.  I learned to internalize a lot of my neurosis, then analyze them after the fact.  Regardless, men can sense when you are really insecure. Figuring out your reasons for reacting the way you do is very important your own personal growth.

3.  Stay busy

One thing that helps with the impatience I was trying to internalize was staying busy.  I am blessed with amazing friends.  Also, I found a hobby in writing.  There is nothing better to do with your time than build relationships that will last a long time.  I find it true that in the beginning of the relationship, you have to keep your ground and still remain the same or similar to the person you truly are.  Many of us become sucked into the other person and want to spend every waking moment with them.  In time, you will get comfortable with your significant other, then have to find yourself again.  By maintaining your hobbies and relationships, you are more likely to still be you.

There will be a time where you start getting into the groove of your relationship.  When this starts to occur (my current state), you will find that it will be super easy to integrate your loved one into your life as well as you into his.  It is really about communication and wanting to work in a partnership.

4.  Men are simple

I have mentioned this point in blogs before.  Men are simple.  When they like you, they like you.  When they don’t or they want you for another purpose, they start acting strange and do things that freak you out.  Honesty and trust are priority in a relationship.  If you can’t trust the person you’re with, then what’s the point?  One of you ends up going crazy because they are always questioning the other person.  I personally don’t believe in invading someone else’s privacy by going through their phone, tablet, or computer.  If they have something to hide, they’ll hide it.

On that note, I cannot stress the importance of a woman’s intuition.  You know deep down inside when something is wrong.  Don’t deny it, cover it with excuses, or anything.  Confront it.  There is a difference between insecurity and intuition.  One is emotionally driven and the other is instinct.

5.  Do not try to change the man; if you’re making excuses for him then maybe he’s not right for you.

I’ve been in relationships where I am engulfed in the person I think the other should be but at the end of the day, they aren’t.  If you’re looking for a long term relationship, this is someone you intend on being with until your last days.  Change can only come from within.  Only you can control your own actions and who you are as a person.  I have a few guy friends who continue to date the same kinds of girls and yet, they keep getting burned.  This goes both ways.  Excuse my language but you can’t be Captain Save a Hoe.  Someone who doesn’t have their stuff together won’t magically get it together because you’re in their lives.  It is important that you realize you are with someone who makes you a better version of you, not bring you down.

There are obviously exceptions to the rule, you know urban myths where someone’s friend of a friend changed their husband and now they live happily ever after.  Remember, those are exceptions, not the rule.  I would recommend watching the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, it holds a lot of truth.  It’s one of my favorites when it comes to debunking dating myths.

6.  Your partner should be your best friend

Last, but not least, your significant other should be someone you can be yourself with.  They should be the one you trust with your deepest darkest secrets.  They should be someone you grow with.  There are some things you won’t share, like the latest on your favorite reality show or the intimate details of your best friend’s labor story.  It is one thing I have learned in my current relationship.  There are just some things he doesn’t care for, like how I might cut my finger nails from left to right or that I always forget passwords.  I have the tendency to over explain myself.  All in all, The Comedian always makes me laugh in even the most strenuous of circumstances but yet he is there when I need a shoulder to cry on.

I can honestly say, I am truly happy with my current circumstance.  My point here is not to tell you what to do but my advice when it comes to entering a relationship from my own personal experience.  All relationships are different but remember you are the only one in charge of your own happiness.  If you’re not happy with yourself, you can’t be happy with anyone else.

Anxiously Waiting

This past weekend I was presented with a new thought. Growing up, I was told to be on time. Worse, I was told I had to be 5 minutes early because being on time was considered late. You can thank my military upbringing. I have always made an effort to let people know I was on my way, running late or I couldn't make it. Something in my conscience told me that was the right thing to do. After doing some thinking after a conversation, I started to wonder where the anxiety came from. Why did I feel the necessity to tell someone so much information without them asking for it? I felt it was polite or the right thing to do but was it even something they cared to know. I'm not honestly sure, I did it because I felt it was a courtesy. But this goes deeper than all of that. After reading The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, I realize that we do things and hope the same in return.

I've learned over time that you should not expect people to be like you. Trust me, it wasn't easy considering I can be a grammar nazi sometimes and I want to correct anyone any chance I get. But that, in turn, it's unnecessary. People respect you more when they ask you for help and you provide it. I learned to just be patient and be there when someone needs help with something that I know.

Recently, I realized that I struggled with just that, the know it all attitude. I have been so proud of being on time, I didn't realize that I was imposing the behavior on someone who wasn't accustomed to my punctuality. I started to dig deeper into why I got nervous when they didn't arrive in the time expected and an old friend reared their ugly head.

I know I've mentioned in previous blogs before but I have experienced serious bouts with abandonment. It all boils down to being left alone, then, feeling uncomfortable because I was expecting that person to come to my call and take the aloneness away. This realization surprised me. I felt that I have come a long way from where I was last year but for whatever reason, I'm still battling an old demon.

As I continue to discover nuances about myself, I have to remember all of the learning I did late last year and early this year. Stay in the moment, enjoy those you are with and time is of the essence. Be positive. Never let old demons beat you because they are not who you are. You are now, the present not what's on your mind.