Our Ego makes us Judge

"Judge not, that ye be not judged.  For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again." - Matthew 7:1-2 (KJV)

Society and the bible teaches us two different things.  All over social media someone is judging what someone is wearing, what they are doing, how they are doing, what their children look like, how many posts they put up a day and so on.  Reality TV has made a killing because viewers love a drama.  They want to live vicariously through people in situations they probably could not dream of being a part of whether it would be a love story or two girls having it out because their weave was pulled.  I mean there's a show on judging what someone was wearing on the red carpet.

I think sometimes we're so accustomed to judging and talking about other people that we lose sight of how we should really treat others.  I tell myself not to scrutinize someone because it is not right but there might be a little voice in my head that is saying otherwise.  God says not to judge because he created us in his image.  He will make the final decision on judgement day.  Whether you are Christian or not, the same holds true through most religions.  To be an honest person who embraces themselves and loves others.    I am told that I am to love everyone even if I don't agree with their decisions.

I guess this comes as difficult for me because all I've ever wanted to do is help people but in the long run I ended up just trying to make them more like myself.  My happiness is my own.  I have the yearn to teach other people but it has taken me a long time to recognize to give help when someone seeks it.  Someone once asked me,

"Why do you feel the need to teach them how to be grammatically more correct?  Is it for them or is it for you?"

I think in the end we're boosting our ego.  It's never for them.  It's to make us feel like we've done something to help even though they didn't ask for it.  I have sincerely been struggling with not trying to control others in what they do.  All control does is boost the ego.  I know I've spoken about ego in previous posts, its a false sense of making us feel better about ourselves.  Living on my own for such a long time, I realize that I might have become set in my ways and I have to search to find a way to stop the control.  Let life happen.

It's interesting because I've spoken to some of my guy friends who are planning weddings and they feel frazzled.  I think wedding planning has to be one of the most hectic things one might do because you want to control the outcome.  In reality, you can't.  You can do the best you can and know the day will be amazing regardless of the bumps in the road.  Once you let go, I know you will feel peace.  Work hard at it and things will find a way of working out the way God intended.

Under Construction

No worries, content for this page is coming soon. I'm perfecting some recipes in my repertoire. Hold on tight! You're in for a tasty ride.

Positivity is your Destiny

This morning provided a new sense of motivation for myself. During my vacation from work, I decided to take the opportunity to really work on writing but where would this motivation come from? The Comedian sent me a text to listen to yesterday's message from Joel Osteen and everything was ignited. He touched on something I brought up yesterday. You are in charge of your destiny. If you decide to be negative, then negativity will follow you. If you decide to be positive then great things will happen. While watching a video the Comedian sent me, I saw this quote,

"I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it" - Thomas Jefferson

I've heard several stories through the years which drive me to work towards more dreams more diligently. For example, the author of Chicken Soup for the Soul, Jack Canfield, was searching for an idea that would take him out of his financial slum. He wrote himself a check for $100,000 and envisioned actually receiving the check. One day, he came up with the idea to sell articles for $1.00 each. Next thing you know, he sold 100,000 and made his goal. Jim Carrey wrote himself a check for $10 million when he was just starting his career in LA. Only a little time later, we was signed on to do Dumb and Dumber which paid him exactly that.

You're probably sitting there saying, that won't happen to me. What makes me so special. That's exactly it. You are bringing yourself down with your own self doubt. When you envision actually having the things you want, they will start to happen. God works in mysterious ways. When you take the time to listen to the positivity around you and stop clouding yourself with doubt, you will find that things will start happening in your favor.

All of my life people told me there was something special about me. I have yet to really discover what that is but I will not lose hope. I know that I am meant for something amazing. You know what, so are you! There is a quote I came up about a year or two ago,

"I refuse to believe misery is my destiny"

Don't let misery control you. You are the only one in charge of your destiny.

You're in charge of your love life

A comment was made to me recently which stirred up some emotions I hadn't encountered in a while.  I won't mention the comment because I don't want to incriminate anyone.  It made me look back on my adventures of dating.  I had mentioned to several people in my life that I'm happy that I am 30 and found someone who is very special to me.  I think if I were to settle down with the first person I was in love with, I would be unhappy at this point. If you have followed my blogs, you know that I have encountered many different kinds of men who have taught me a thing or two about what I ultimately want in the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.  Call me naiive if you must but I sincerely feel that being single as long as I had been prepared me to truly appreciate the Comedian. Sometimes I feel it was serendipitous how it all happened.  There were a few men who I gave chances more than once because I didn't want to be the superficial person that I had been in my early 20s.  Those experiences flopped.  But when I did give up and decided to focus on something else, he literally came out of nowhere.  I think God was just preparing me for the Comedian.

I don't believe there is a perfect person but there is a perfect person for me.  That's all that matters in the end.  That comment made just made me realize that I do know what I have and I am very lucky.  My point is to know yourself.  Know yourself, your wants, and your needs.  Only you are in charge of your own destiny.  Funny, I saw a movie recently which said,

"Every woman has the exact love life she wants" - The Wedding Date

There is a reason you date a certain guy. My advice is to search deep down within yourself and figure out what that reason is. In the long run, you will be a happier person. Only you are in charge of your destiny.

Is Rejection Worth the Risk

I realized I haven't posted in a while but I promise to add new content to my page on a more regular basis this coming year.  I will be starting my MBA in January but it doesn't matter.  Challenge Accepted! For whatever reason, I find it extremely intriguing when the Comedian gives dating advice to younger cousins.  It's not because his advice isn't valid or makes sense but all of it makes complete sense.  It gives me  insight into the mind of a man.  Because we met online, he never really used pick up lines or had to hit on me at the bar.  I have my own theories over several years of dating and being single.  I know to smile when I want someone to come over.  I know to laugh at his jokes even if they aren't funny.  I have to give it to men sometimes, because of social stigma, we expect them to take charge of the situation and risk getting rejected.  Women, over the years, have taken more of an initiative.  Call me "old fashioned" but I always felt out of place or too masculine if I took control and approached a guy.  In all honesty, I can say about 75% of the time I was rejected but if I was approached, more than 90% of the time there was some success in the conversation.

This, by all means, should not deter anyone from trying to approach someone their interested in.  I think everyone has to find what works for them.  I have learned to make the conversation about the other person not about me.  You learn much more about what might work or not work with that person the more you know about them.  Then again, that's what works for me.  I said something other  day,

"Dating is like math, there are different ways to get to the answer but all that matters is you have the correct answer in the end."

Regardless if you're a guy or a girl, there is a risk of rejection.  Don't lose faith.  There are sincerely "plenty of fish" in the sea.  That person was just not right for you.  My best girlfriend told me once,

"If he doesn't get your jokes, he's not for you."

What she said held a lot of truth.  My jokes can be very dry or very corny.  But that's just who I am.  I have a unique sense of humor and I needed to find someone who just got me.  Thankfully, the Comedian gets my jokes.  Whether they are funny or not.  Usually, they are just really corny so I laugh at myself anyway, ha!

My point is, if you never took the chance, you will never know the outcome.  Take the risk and you can say, at least I tried.  What's the worst that could happen?  She could say, "no".  Then go about your day like any other.  There will be another girl and another chance.

About Val

Welcome to Val's Bytes! I live life on a positive journey however I had a few bumps in the road.  Take a look at my positive outlook, dating journey, and passion for food.

Enjoy!

No One Likes the Same Flavor of Ice Cream

In the mornings, I like indulge myself with talk radio.  I know it's not good for me but I enjoy listening to other people ramble about their opinions except when the topic becomes really shallow, then I change to the station with no commercials and no talking.  The other day, a topic came up that I couldn't really listen to, it actually made me kind of sad that people need to justify themselves with the opinion. I might come off judgmental saying this, however, the topic was whether you get upset when you take the time to make yourself look good and no one compliments you.  In all reality, who cares?!?!  Beauty comes from the inside.  I have learned over the years that if I exude confidence and I know that I am beautiful then others will notice.  As a matter of fact, growing up, my younger sister always made it a competition to have all the boys like her.  I was very awkward and insecure from middle to high school.  She was always the pretty, thin one, popular one (in my eyes).  But one day, something happened... someone liked me over her.  Blasphemy!  Honestly, I was kind of shocked and surprised but that doesn't matter.

In time I learned that the same guys who like me aren't going to like her and vice versa.  I only say that because we are two different people.  We have different likes, we look very different, and have very different personalities.  I am okay with that.  I love nerds (which is very apparent if you were ever to meet the Comedian, he does IT for a living).  Some people used to ask me whether it bothered me if I was overlooked and I used to tell them,

"No one likes the same flavor of ice cream.  They just might not like my flavor."

Topics like the one mentioned on the radio the other just shows how insecure people might be.  They justify it with making it a big deal that they might spend 2 hours getting ready for whatever event they might be going to.  That's great!  Spend that time getting ready if it makes YOU feel beautiful.  At the end of the day, you are responsible for you so take care of yourself.  Make yourself look the way you feel.  There's a saying that goes,

"Dress for the job you want."

That also goes for every day life.  You deserve to feel beautiful inside and out regardless of the opinions are others.  Remember, opinions are like ummmm (trying not to curse) mouths, everyone has one.  :-)

The Fall Air

Something about fall always brings back all kinds of memories. The smell of the air changes, even in Florida. There is something reminiscent of the holidays. I can't necessarily put my finger on it but normally I change, my emotions change. When I went away for college, I struggled with being separated from all that I knew. I put up a big wall saying that I could handle it because I'm a military brat, however, I really didn't understand that I needed the norm of my family life to bring me back to the ground. There were a lot of changes going on during that time of my life. My mom remarried, my sister moved away with her boyfriend at the time, and I didn't have the relationship I wanted with my father. I was struggling to find myself in a new world. For whatever reason I fell into a depression. After becoming suicidal, I went to counseling. He then diagnosed me with seasonal depression meaning that only during a certain time of the year, I became depressed. This was only the first occurrence.

Year after year, I would suffer a darkness during the fall. I wanted to be part of a family, I wanted a sense of normalcy, in my eyes. I tell you, there is nothing like wishing you had somewhere to celebrate where you felt accepted. I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with my family. I was so lost and incomplete. Instead of smelling the fall air, I would want to sleep until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. It was safer in my dark room.

Through the years, I became better at dealing with this darkness during the fall. It even skipped a few years until last year. It came back. The feeling of being alone. I couldn't look at anyone without breaking down and wanting to cry. There was no one there to save me until I saw The Secret. There was so much hope in that message. Hope that I didn't need a family to make me happy, I was already part of one. I was alienating myself because it was all about me. I finally opened my eyes and saw that what you bring to yourself is what you have. I am wealthy through my friends and family. Also, I learned you are NEVER alone. God has always and will always be there. He will be your family, your friend and most of you, your father.

There is no point in living in this world in a negative light. Everyone has their own personal drama to deal with. Everyone has a story. As I always say, what makes you who you are is not what you've been through but how you deal with it.

The Urge to Write

It's been a couple of weeks since I last wrote in my infamous blog.  I've had a bit of writer's block, as they say.  Since moving in with the Comedian, I've been coincidentally crazy at work, then I go home and it seems there is something to do or someone to see.  I tell you, it's been non stop.  I yearn for the days when I turn to the Comedian, he looks at me and asks, "So what do you want to do today?"  Lately, it's been, "Babe, what do we have scheduled for the weekend?" I have calmed down immensely from my crazy college days.  I think it was a progression.  When I found my group of friends from Orlando, they were just as crazy as I was.  It was a match made in party heaven, however, they are settling down a little bit as well.  There are babies and pregnancies popping up all over the place.  My co workers consistently tell me, I'm next.  I look at them and say, "Not yet, I haven't been drinking the water."

Lately, I've immersed myself in listening to podcasts like crazy.  Honestly, the Comedian got me into them.  It started off listening to his favorite comedian, Bill Burr, and it grew to bloggers like Pat Flynn and my new favorite, Entrepreneurs on Fire.  It has my mind going a mile a minute on what plans I might for my future.  Don't get me wrong, I love to write, I just want that to be what propels me to what I am destined to do.

I know deep down inside, this is only the beginning.  I know in a few years, this blog will have a new meaning and great following.

Thank you all for reading!

Yes, Some Girls Love Football

I laughed to myself as I read this meme. I find it comical that for the longest time, I continually dated guys who didn't watch sports.  It was a bit of a conundrum to me.  The biggest complaint I've heard or read from other article was that men would watch sports and ignore their significant other.  But yet, I wasn't dating those guys.  I actually find it attractive that I can bond with a guy through sports.  What if the girl you were with were cheering along with you?  That was me.

As a matter of fact, the group of girls I hang with now all watch football.  When I first started dating the Comedian, several years ago, he looked at me and said, "You're amazing."  I smiled and asked, "Why?"He looked at me and replied, "Because you watch football and drink beer and eat wings."  I snickered, "Most of my girlfriends do."

I guess its a rare breed.  As a matter of fact, I am a Florida Gator and  New York Giants fan.  Even though either team is not performing at their absolute best this season, I still will watch with passion, as well as entertain any arguments about their performance.   I do get upset when they lose and hear all of the people who root for opposing teams jam up my news feed with teasing remarks.  But its all part of the game.  Once, the Comedian's father asked me why I love it and I replied that it was because of the camaraderie, the passion for the sport, and the challenge of the game.  He agreed.

At the end of the day, I am looking forward to the next game.  When it's Spring, I miss football season and I am excited for the next tailgating event.  It doesn't matter what you're passionate about but don't change yourself to fit your guy's needs.  He will love you regardless :-)

I leave with you with a photo of all of us on the way to a NY Giants game in Atlanta.

The Next Step

It has been 10 blissful months with the love of my life, the Comedian.  I might get a little sappy in this post but I promise I have a point.  We are taking that next big step, moving in together.  On Sunday, we picked up the keys to our apartment where the lease has both of our names.  I believe any step taken with another person does require thought and consideration, however, sometimes you just know it's right. On Saturday night, we were at his cousin's house for a birthday party.  The Comedian mentioned to me that he was talking to his cousin regarding our new move.  He said, "This is a big step, are you ready?"  The Comedian didn't hesitate (in my head this is how the story went), he said,"When you know it's the right person, it isn't so big.  It's just the way its supposed to be."  Granted, I did do cartwheels in the back of my head when I heard this response but it was very true.  Sometimes we put emphasis on things that might seem like they are supposed to be complicated but what I've learned through this relationship that every move we've made, has just been the right one.  We live in a world of reality TV and dramas, so we expect our lives to be one but it doesn't have to be.

I remember having a conversation with a friend before dating The Comedian and he said, "When you know, you know".  It is so true.  Something about feeling at ease when you're with someone is the most peaceful feeling that I have experienced thus far.  In my past relationships, I would worry, do I need to babysit him?  Do I need to hold his hand around my friends?  Do I need to take care of everything?  The Comedian has shown me what its like to be treated the way a woman is supposed to be treated.

Don't ever settle for making excuses for your significant other.  I have been guilty of that as well.  They are supposed to be your partner.  In my case, my partner in peace ;-).

To Be Puerto Rican...

Growing up, I struggled with self image.  I was born to a father in the military who was stationed in Germany and both of my parents were Puerto Rican.  On the military bases, there was a community of Puerto Ricans who got together to do parrandas, a caroling tradition in Puerto Rico, during Christmas time and spoke Spanish.  My dad sang and played guitar while others played the güiro and slapped the tambour.  That's what I knew in my younger years.  I mean, there were other cultures in the community but I didn't feel any prejudice.  There were Asians, Blacks, Whites and Hispanics all throughout the community and I didn't recall being told I was different because of the color of my skin.  I guess that's what it is to be a military brat.  Just knowing there is going to be all kinds of culture around you. When I moved to Florida,  things were very different.  Orlando is permeated with Puerto Ricans either the island of Puerto Rico, Chicago, or New York.  I was not from any of those places.  It was strange because I was either not Puerto Rican enough or I didn't come from New York so I didn't fit in.  Throughout middle and high school, I struggled with who I really was.  I spoke English really well so to the Puerto Ricans I was too "White" and to the everyone else I was too brown.  None of it made any sense.

Finally, when I got to college.  I threw aside what I was defined to be during my high school years.  I decided to be myself and learn what I could about my culture.  I did enjoy reggaeton but I wanted to know the history of Puerto Rico.  I wanted to speak better Spanish to understand my relatives.  I wanted to learn how to dance salsa, merengue, and cha cha.  And that's what I did.

I became President of the Puerto Rican organization on campus and through planning events, I learned about things I didn't even know.  I learned about bomba and plena, African dances from Puerto Rico's history.  I understood the battle for independence from the Grito de Lares and how Lares has amazing flavors in ice cream like corn and rice and beans...ha!  I also decided to make a conscious effort to visit my family in Puerto Rico at least every two years.

The most important lesson out of all of this is that no one can define who you are.  I embrace my culture through it's history, the beautiful land and beaches, and through my family.  I believe all cultures have their beauty.  However, I am Puerto Rican and no one can take that away from me.

6 Points on Love in the Beginning...

I've been doing some reading today and it sparked some thoughts in regards to my life and relationships.  I have had ups and downs but all that had made me realize is that life is precious.  There are some points I wanted to address when it comes to starting a new relationship.  I found throughout my blogs, there were common themes.  Below, I discuss what I’ve learned prior to my relationship and during.  There is more to come as I learn about myself… 1.  Love will come when you least expect it

I can honestly say that this is very true.  When I look back on my relationships, all of them came in a time where I wasn’t looking for a relationship.  The times I did try to pursue someone, it always ended where I started questioning myself.  More than often enough, those were times where that person wasn’t as in to me as I was into them.  Currently, I couldn’t be happier and trust me, the person I am with is the last person on earth I expected to contact me.  However, I am so grateful that he did.  Sometimes we leave marks on people’s hearts and lives.  Those who realize those marks are the ones who treasure them more than anyone.

2.  Be Patient

One thing I learned prior to my current relationship was to be patient.  I had been struggling with abandonment issues for a fairly long time.  Granted, almost any girl freaks out when the guy she likes doesn’t respond right away, even if he’s just taking a nap.  It’s the unknown that is the scary part.  Some ladies hide it better than others.  I learned to internalize a lot of my neurosis, then analyze them after the fact.  Regardless, men can sense when you are really insecure. Figuring out your reasons for reacting the way you do is very important your own personal growth.

3.  Stay busy

One thing that helps with the impatience I was trying to internalize was staying busy.  I am blessed with amazing friends.  Also, I found a hobby in writing.  There is nothing better to do with your time than build relationships that will last a long time.  I find it true that in the beginning of the relationship, you have to keep your ground and still remain the same or similar to the person you truly are.  Many of us become sucked into the other person and want to spend every waking moment with them.  In time, you will get comfortable with your significant other, then have to find yourself again.  By maintaining your hobbies and relationships, you are more likely to still be you.

There will be a time where you start getting into the groove of your relationship.  When this starts to occur (my current state), you will find that it will be super easy to integrate your loved one into your life as well as you into his.  It is really about communication and wanting to work in a partnership.

4.  Men are simple

I have mentioned this point in blogs before.  Men are simple.  When they like you, they like you.  When they don’t or they want you for another purpose, they start acting strange and do things that freak you out.  Honesty and trust are priority in a relationship.  If you can’t trust the person you’re with, then what’s the point?  One of you ends up going crazy because they are always questioning the other person.  I personally don’t believe in invading someone else’s privacy by going through their phone, tablet, or computer.  If they have something to hide, they’ll hide it.

On that note, I cannot stress the importance of a woman’s intuition.  You know deep down inside when something is wrong.  Don’t deny it, cover it with excuses, or anything.  Confront it.  There is a difference between insecurity and intuition.  One is emotionally driven and the other is instinct.

5.  Do not try to change the man; if you’re making excuses for him then maybe he’s not right for you.

I’ve been in relationships where I am engulfed in the person I think the other should be but at the end of the day, they aren’t.  If you’re looking for a long term relationship, this is someone you intend on being with until your last days.  Change can only come from within.  Only you can control your own actions and who you are as a person.  I have a few guy friends who continue to date the same kinds of girls and yet, they keep getting burned.  This goes both ways.  Excuse my language but you can’t be Captain Save a Hoe.  Someone who doesn’t have their stuff together won’t magically get it together because you’re in their lives.  It is important that you realize you are with someone who makes you a better version of you, not bring you down.

There are obviously exceptions to the rule, you know urban myths where someone’s friend of a friend changed their husband and now they live happily ever after.  Remember, those are exceptions, not the rule.  I would recommend watching the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, it holds a lot of truth.  It’s one of my favorites when it comes to debunking dating myths.

6.  Your partner should be your best friend

Last, but not least, your significant other should be someone you can be yourself with.  They should be the one you trust with your deepest darkest secrets.  They should be someone you grow with.  There are some things you won’t share, like the latest on your favorite reality show or the intimate details of your best friend’s labor story.  It is one thing I have learned in my current relationship.  There are just some things he doesn’t care for, like how I might cut my finger nails from left to right or that I always forget passwords.  I have the tendency to over explain myself.  All in all, The Comedian always makes me laugh in even the most strenuous of circumstances but yet he is there when I need a shoulder to cry on.

I can honestly say, I am truly happy with my current circumstance.  My point here is not to tell you what to do but my advice when it comes to entering a relationship from my own personal experience.  All relationships are different but remember you are the only one in charge of your own happiness.  If you’re not happy with yourself, you can’t be happy with anyone else.

Knowing Me First

"To love others you must first love yourself" - Leo Buscaglia

Since the chain of events that changed my life in my early twenties, I found it a mission to really mold myself into the person that I wanted to become.  In order to that, you have to be conscious of your own nuances.  Why do I get angry when this happens?  Why do I cry when that happens?  These questions consistently rattled my mind of years.  Maybe enlightenment was the path I was supposed to take, who knows?  All I know was is that I wanted to understand me.

My biggest struggle was handling emotions.  I absolutely despise confrontation.  I've always been a better communicator through writing.  I don't know if I was conditioned by AOL chat rooms but that's what happened.  In relationships, I found myself going to a third person to vent my frustrations instead of talking to my boyfriend at the time.  All that ended up doing was creating a pathway for my roommate to get close to my boyfriend then start seeing him after we broke up :-/  Then I realized, when you start making excuses for the other person, that is when you should start questioning the happiness in your relationship.  You should never want to change the person you're with but you should be with someone that does make you a better version of yourself, not bring you down.

When I get upset, I tend to start shaking, then I have this uncontrollable urge to cry.  Ha!  I must sound like a mess...lol.  I had to learn to hone in my emotions so that I would understand how to react whenever I do get angry.  I promise, I am much better than I used to be.  It does take a lot to get me to the point where I am angry or upset.  The idea is to handle it when I get there, not bottle it up and put it to the side.

I can't stress enough that I'm not perfect, no one is.  But I do work on myself every single day.  Some days are good, some days are great and others are just plain awful.  We are in charge of everything we put in front of us.  Think about what got you here because if you want to get out, you're the only one who can save YOU.

My Own Happiness

"The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am a quote lover.  It is not uncommon that in conversation I might refer to a quote or two to prove my point when it comes to finding inner peace and happiness. The one I just mentioned by Ralph Waldo Emerson resonates with me because years ago I decided who I wanted to be.  Recently, at a book club meeting, we got into a heated conversation about finding happiness mostly due to our book selection "The Happiness Project" by Gretchin Rubin.  We were talking about how people fall into ruts when they go through traumatic situations.  I've always said,

"It's not what you've been through that makes you who you are it's how you handle it".

I am a firm believer that only you can change yourself.  For things to be different around you, the mindset you think with has to change as well.  I think that's the genius of positive thinking.  Your brain is such a powerful thing.  It change your mood within a second.  As humans, we want to blame other things for our well-being.  At the end of the day, it always comes down to us.  Entrepreneurs are successful because they already believe they are where they want to be.  People who are blessed surround themselves with those who love them which create a positive environment.  They are grateful for what they have, thus making them happier.

It might be strange to think that it is all true but I encourage you to try it.  If a negative thought comes into your head, brush it away and replace it with something positive.  Just try it for a day.  I would love to know how it turns out.

Anxiously Waiting

This past weekend I was presented with a new thought. Growing up, I was told to be on time. Worse, I was told I had to be 5 minutes early because being on time was considered late. You can thank my military upbringing. I have always made an effort to let people know I was on my way, running late or I couldn't make it. Something in my conscience told me that was the right thing to do. After doing some thinking after a conversation, I started to wonder where the anxiety came from. Why did I feel the necessity to tell someone so much information without them asking for it? I felt it was polite or the right thing to do but was it even something they cared to know. I'm not honestly sure, I did it because I felt it was a courtesy. But this goes deeper than all of that. After reading The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, I realize that we do things and hope the same in return.

I've learned over time that you should not expect people to be like you. Trust me, it wasn't easy considering I can be a grammar nazi sometimes and I want to correct anyone any chance I get. But that, in turn, it's unnecessary. People respect you more when they ask you for help and you provide it. I learned to just be patient and be there when someone needs help with something that I know.

Recently, I realized that I struggled with just that, the know it all attitude. I have been so proud of being on time, I didn't realize that I was imposing the behavior on someone who wasn't accustomed to my punctuality. I started to dig deeper into why I got nervous when they didn't arrive in the time expected and an old friend reared their ugly head.

I know I've mentioned in previous blogs before but I have experienced serious bouts with abandonment. It all boils down to being left alone, then, feeling uncomfortable because I was expecting that person to come to my call and take the aloneness away. This realization surprised me. I felt that I have come a long way from where I was last year but for whatever reason, I'm still battling an old demon.

As I continue to discover nuances about myself, I have to remember all of the learning I did late last year and early this year. Stay in the moment, enjoy those you are with and time is of the essence. Be positive. Never let old demons beat you because they are not who you are. You are now, the present not what's on your mind.

The Waiting Room

 

As my life continues, I find that I am in the most interesting predicaments.  The reason I was in the waiting room for an injury I got at work doesn't really matter.  What matters is all of the people watching I was about to endure during the 3 hour wait to see the doctor.  As I sat down, I realized I was sitting near a few UPS delivery drivers and employees.  What I found interesting was who came to sit down next to one of those UPS employees, a Fed Ex employee.

Both were attractive people in their own right.  I tend to be one of those who love to see when there might be a spark.  What a great story!   The UPS guy and the Fed Ex gal fell in love.

Anyhow, I eavesdropped to on their conversation because I was intrigued.  Apparently UPS workers do not pay for their uniforms.  That is really all I got out of it but I could tell the UPS guy was definitely attracted to the Fed Ex gal.  All of the other people in the room did distract me from time to time and their conversation seemed to die down.  I think they were there for only an hour out of the 3 I was there.

All in all, I could had been present for another great love story.  Just knowing that makes the visit to the doctor much better.

Kill 'em with Kindness

What an interesting morning!  On my way to work, I was about to take a right turn on a major street.  While looking left, I guess I let my foot off the brake a little bit and rolled right into the car in front of me.  Insta-accident!  It actually wasn't that bad.  She had a couple of scuffs on her bumper but I got out the car and asked her to pull into the business next to us so we were out of traffic. I think initially she was very upset.  She told me she was going to report the accident so that she doesn't have to pay for the damage.  I did the wrong thing and thought to myself , what a B***CH.  What I didn't realize, the actions I was about to take would change the scenario immensely.

The accident was completely my fault.  I wasn't paying attention.  I offered to give her a copy of my insurance since I can just print out another copy and the information is on my insurance app (yes, there is an app for that).  She explained herself and said, "I'm so sorry, I don't want to be a pain but my car is leased and I just don't want to pay for it in the long run.  If your insurance covers it, that's all I want to be done."  I realized, this lady is just struggling like the rest of us and I had no right to judge the content of her character.

So, I called my insurance company and filed a claim.  After all was said and done, she asked me to talk to her insurance company not realizing that I've already spoken to mine.  I was more than happy to help.  She explained that there was no reason to get the police involved if everything was taken care of without them.  What a relief!  Then she thanked me for being so nice and helpful.

Just to think, being super kind and understanding can help diffuse a situation.  Accident's happen.  Finding the solution to the problem is really what needs to be done.  I believe some dwell on what happened, get angry about it and leave the resolution until the end.  You can't help the past, only the present.

Daddy's Little Girl, I think...

One of the biggest thing I've struggled with through my 20's were abandonment issues.  I was talking to a friend of mine about my relationship with my father and what had transpired in the last 3 years.  My father and I never really had a close relationship growing up.  As previously discussed in other posts, he was in the Army pretty much all of my life.  From what I remember, he was normally working and traveling.  When I was about 11 years old, he traveled to Panama on business and really never moved back home.  My parents ended up divorcing right before I turned 14.  After that, he came around every so often to check in or send me money for school. At that time, I really became lost.  Even though he wasn't around, I felt the need to impress him.  I did really good in school to get his approval and when he left, it became pointless.  I did well in High School but as soon as I got to college, things just didn't work out the way I was accustomed to.  It might have been other factors, however, not having my Daddy around didn't help either.

When you might think of a girl having daddy issues, one of two things might come to mind.  She might be overly promiscuous and afraid of commitment or she might find relationship after relationship to fill that void of not having a father around.  I won't say where I stand but I can say I was afraid of commitment for a very long time.  It seemed as if I had sabotaged myself on several occasions where I might had been with a really good guy but I was just afraid he was going to leave me like my father did.  There was a point in my late 20's where I felt that I was never going to get married.  It became just a norm for me.  I was by myself, no one was close enough to hurt and leave me and I was content.

I did meet someone in my life who found it a hobby to figure me out.  In the long run, I think she really helped me learn to get close to someone.  I did have great friends in college who helped me through tough times but I think at this point I could really recognize my thoughts and why I felt the way I felt.  She would point out little nuances in things I would say and it kind of made me realize how close of a friend she really became.

About 3 years ago, for whatever reason, my father did come back into the picture full time.  I mean, an email almost every day and a phone call practically once a week.  After all of this time, I had to make some adjustments.  It was crazy because my abandonment issues started to become less and less apparent.  However, there would be moments after that which would make me relapse but the point is my father coming back into the picture did alleviate some of that pressure I was putting on myself.

It wasn't until February of this year, I really started to overcome those issues because I started going to church.  I felt the conviction of God weighing heavy on my heart and I had to forgive him for not being there all that time.  Trust me, I am so grateful he is back in my life.  I never realized until we've gotten close that I get a lot of my personality traits from him like sarcasm and the want to be a social butterfly.  He tells me stories about how I was his little baby and touches my heart.  To know he has always loved me the whole time.  These memories can never be taken away.

At the end of the day, that's all that matters.  Not the past, not the future but what is going on now.  Right now, my Daddy has become a great part of my life.  Forgiving him and all of the others that might have hurt me was the best thing I could have ever done.  For things to change, all you have to do is pray.  God has a plan and I know it's a great one. 

Don't Take Anyt...

Don't Take Anything Personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.- Miguel Ruiz

Coinciding with yesterday's blog Is this Your reality?, I felt this quote was fitting.