Love Bytes

Online Dating does not equal Relationship

This is more of a gripe than advice on how to date online.  I'm not sure if I've ever shared my first online dating experience.  When I was in my senior year of high school, my prom date kind of told me at the last minute that he wasn't able to go.  After many hours of sobbing, I went on AOL and went into a chat room.  I met someone who came to my rescue and less than two weeks later he was my date to the prom.  Needless to say, that relationship never went anywhere but I digress... Since then, I have not be very successful in cultivating a relationship out of meeting someone online.  I believe I have one ex boyfriend I met on MySpace but he was a friend of a friend, so I don't think that really counts.  Almost 2 years after my last significant relationship, I've found this breed of men who go onto paid online dating sites who are not really ready to get into something serious whether it be because they just got out of relationships or they are just way too busy.  They either think they are ready but don't realize the time and effort it takes to be in a relationship or they are just trying to get their feet wet.

I ask, if you're not ready for a relationship, do not advertise yourself falsely on a paid dating website!  Go on one that is not paid, at least I don't have to take you seriously.  I'm not saying one can't find Ms/Mr Right on a non paying dating site and if you do, mazel tov! Those unpaid sites are full of people just looking for something on the side.

I am only talking about this because you will end up hurting someone.  Giving false hope to a girl who is looking for romance is not something that will help your karma.  Be honest with yourself from the beginning.  Every action has a reaction.

Super Stalkers

I don't recall being in a situation where I was stalked so relentlessly.  I really need to start researching that Google number thing. Anyway, a few weeks ago I went to my girl's house for her husband's birthday party.  He happens to be a DJ for a local Latino promotions company so you can only imagine the music was blasting outside of the house.  I was with a coworker of mine who I'm very fond of.  She's much younger than me so I tend to be a little protective of her but I'm very aware that she is a strong person and can probably take care of herself... I digress. Both her and I stand by the wall for a minute, we'll call her Dory, these two guys approach us and ask us to dance.  I absolutely love dancing so I accepted the offer.  Next thing you know, these guys are on us like white on rice.  They are getting us drinks, asking questions, making sure we don't dance with anyone else and taking pictures with us.  The guy with Dory asked if we were going to go to the club after the party.  She wasn't sure how to respond and asked if I was willing to go, I said, if you want, I'll go with you to make sure everything is okay.  When we were about to leave to go to her house to change (I was already prepared for the occasion) she gave her number to her guy.

After Dory changed, we headed to the club and met the guys in the parking lot.  While we were inside, we found out some information about Dory's guy.  He had a girlfriend.  We confronted him about the issue and he denied, denied, denied.  It's just strange how guys don't believe we aren't going to find out.  If you're a promoter for the club and hang out with the same people we do, you don't think the truth will come out sooner or later?  This always had boggled my mind.

My guy kept trying to feed me drinks.  I believe he had an ulterior motive.  It wasn't going to happen.  I will say that after all of my "training" at the University of Florida, I know when a guy has an idea in his mind. I will be the first to pop that bubble.  Anyhow, after dealing with the lies and the craziness of these guys, I was worn out.  I asked Dory if we could leave.  She agreed and took me to my car.  As we pulled away, the guys were outside watching us drive by.  We didn't tell them we were leaving :-)  I know it seems bad but if you're going to dance with other girls and deny that you are doing that, then why should I respect you?

After Dory dropped me off at my car, I started driving to my apartment.  As I was driving, I looked over to my left and the guys were right there next to me.  I ignored them and successfully found an escape route.

On Monday, I spoke briefly to Dory and she informed me that her guy had been texting her all weekend.  One request from him was to give his friend my number.  I refused.  There was no way I would have that crazy stalker in my life.  Unfortunately, I knew I would see him again. But at least this way, I could keep him at arms length.

Weeks later, I went to the same club and the two guys showed up.  Luckily, I was in the company of another person, so I was able to ignore them.  I spoke to the girl at the door, who is also a friend of mine, she told me they had been harassing her my number as well.  Wow... that's all I can say.  Needless to say, I just hope every time I'm around, I have an escape route.

This one time at band camp...

Yes.  I went to band camp, and no nothing perverted happened there.  I happened to be very innocent when I was in High School.  I find it kind of interesting that some stories I repeatedly bring up still get a snicker. After writing the bad date series, I had gone on a few dates.  What I didn't expect were these guys I went on dates with to actually fear me writing about them.  I would not write a blog about someone if it didn't have some comedic relief involved.  There is no comedic relief for a great date. However, there is a bunch of sappy love stuff which I like to enjoy myself. A friend of mine told me that it wasn't fair to the rest of the population that I had these blogs public for everyone to see.  That basically, it was a guide on how not to date me.  Which, in essence, is true.  I believe that it is the opportunity to have the upper hand in a dating situation because I obviously have my thoughts out there in the world to see.  I honestly don't mind considering I feel that I am an open book myself.  If you want to know, then ask.  I have become comfortable enough in my own skin not to fear what someone might think of me.

Just as a disclaimer, if you don't want a blog written about you, don't give the waiter a bad tip, take me somewhere a bit classier than Chick-fil-a (a sit-down restaurant) on our first date, don't show up at my apartment on a bicycle and don't be creepy.  :-)

Really?? Another bad tipper

I know I've told this story to many people but a couple of weeks ago, I had thought I finally made a connection with someone on a personal level.  I met him in person for the first time and I was looking like I made an effort.  He shows up in military green pants and a plaid shirt.  Again, because we clicked over the phone, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  We sat down to dinner and had pretty decent conversation.  I thought to myself, "Maybe this could work." When the bill came, I sensed something different.  Excuse me for being a prude, however, I believe if a man asks you on a date, he pays for the bill.  He chose the place, he invited me, and its the first date.  The bill sat on the table for about 30 minutes.  I had a feeling he was waiting for me to offer to pay.  He went to the bathroom and, I have to admit, I took a look at the bill.  Finally, he came back and put his card with the check.  When he signed, he only added a $5.00 tip.  I can tell you this... that was about 5% of the check.

Not only was I not really attracted to him, I was totally turned off.  Our waiter was not mediocre, he was awesome.  Very knowledgeable of the menu, wine selection and made conversation with us during our meal.  I felt so bad, I sent a compliment card to the restaurant with a generous tip included.

Anyhow, we went for a walk as I tried to convince myself that maybe it wasn't so bad.  But I couldn't get over what just had happened.  After finishing our walk, I told him that I wanted to go home.  It was late and I was tired.  At least, that's what I told him.

The next day, he sent me a routine text both of us had become accustomed to over the previous week.  I broke down and told him, "Listen, I think its best we should just be friends."  Apparently, he didn't take it so well because he called me right after the text was sent.  He asked what happened and I tried to hide the fact that I was turned off by his actions and told him that I didn't feel the chemistry.  Granted, I wasn't completely lying.  He then said he felt weird because I wasn't the girl he thought I was and I had been lying about who I was to him.

After I hung up, he continued to send texts accusing me of letting my friends make my decisions.  I thought this guy was crazy.  I finally told him the truth.  He then admitted that he was caught but I had no right to judge him for that one action.  That he was not cheap.  He actually did expect me to pay for part of the bill!  He told me he was on a budget and didn't expect the bill to come to that much.  Really??  This guy from New York really didn't expect the bill to be that much.  He chose the place!!  Do your research and don't expect me to have any sort of sympathy for your actions?!?!

Sigh... let's just say, that was the end of that!

Closing the Ex Files

I sincerely love to be happy for people.  But when it comes to someone I dated or an ex, I simply just don't want to actually see their happiness unless I'm in my own little bubble of love.  I know it's selfish but in all honesty, its really for my own sanity.  I have never been the best at dealing with my emotions so I just think of it not being there. For example, there are some men who have gotten engaged or taken their girlfriends on a magical trip somewhere and I think to myself, that could have been me.  Well, that's if I could get over myself and actually figure that I did want that person at that time or even get over of my superficiality (especially when I was younger).  Granted, I believe I have every right to be a little picky but what if I wasn't?  Anyhow, I have discovered the internet has gotten the message.  I could hide their posts on Facebook and still remain friends, so I don't look like the crazy one. I have also done a little research and found out that both Google Chrome and Mozilla Firefox have an app which can hide the name of an ex.  I think the internet has moved society  forward in being able to save men and women everywhere from themselves.

I have a rule after a big break up.  I fall off the face of the earth.  What better way to do so then hide all temptation.  Blocking them not only on Facebook but also from internet searches.  I wonder if technology will lower the need for therapy one day?

Bad Date 4 - The Really Blind Date

A lesson which I learned a very long time ago in my 28 years of life is to NOT (I repeat NOT) meet someone from the internet without seeing a picture or several pictures of them first. I believe it was my second or third year of college when I started talking to someone over the phone who lived in Orlando.  I went to UF in Gainesville.  The two weeks we spent speaking over the phone were great.  We had a connection and could talk for hours.  For some reason, in my naivety, he convinced me that I'd seen a picture of him and spoke of his looks very highly.  I just went with it.

We planned a date for one of the weekends I was going to Orlando to visit home.  I pulled up to a very popular location by International Drive, he walked out of his car and handed me a rose as I opened the door of my car.  As I looked into his face, I could remember thinking, I have never seen this man in my entire life!!!  Because of our great connection over the phone, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and disregarded the fact he wasn't physically my type.  I gave him a kiss on the cheek, he opened the car door on the passenger seat of his car and I laid the rose on the back seat, with the intention of taking it home later.

He took me to a local restaurant and we stared at each other.  He had absolutely nothing to say!  I wondered to myself why he was acting so shy.  To occupy the silence, I realized there were two Italian men speaking to each other at at table near us and I was trying to translate what they were saying.  Since I was taking Italian at the time, I took the translate what they were saying.   He asked me if something was wrong and I said " nothing".  I told him I was surprised he wasn't talking much.  He told me he was nervous and I explained there should be no reason to be nervous because he knew me after talking non stop on the phone for 2 weeks.  He asked me what I was thinking and I explained the two Italian men at the table next to us and how I was translating.  Needless to say, our conversation was ummmm empty...

We got back into his car and he asked if we should go downtown.  I thought to myself, why not?  At least we don't have to attempt a conversation with each other.  My date stopped at a gas station, he looked at me and asked, "you're not attracted to me, are you?"

I was dumbfounded.  Who would ask their date that question while they are cornered in a car with the other person?!?  I told him that it wasn't something I wanted to talk about and that we should just enjoy our night (I should have come up with a better answer...I was young).  He looked at me again and just asked me to answer the question.  I told him the truth because I am a big believe in honesty but I tried to hold back the blow as much as possible.  I told him I wasn't attracted to him but I wanted to enjoy this date because of our great conversation.  However, there was no conversation on this date, so it was difficult to overlook the fact that he withheld he never showed me a picture of himself!

Anyhow, we ended up at a club downtown.  We went to the rooftop and on the way up, I dropped my driver's license.  He offered to hold it for me and I accepted the offer.  I thought to myself, I was going to make this the best I could possibly regardless of the circumstances.  We started to dance, and I could feel his manhood protruding into my back.  I was totally turned off!  I told him that I needed to go to the restroom.  He walked me to the door.  I spent the next ten minutes splashing my face with water.  I walked out the door and asked him to take me back to my car.

While walking back to the parking garage, he looked at me and said,"You are the most selfish, self centered, b**ch I've ever met in my life.  I can't believe I let myself care about you."

I was in shock.  How did he have the right to call me self centered when all I tried to do was make this date work regardless of the circumstances.  I responded,"Are you joking?!?  All I've done is tried to talk to you all night but you're too "shy" to talk to someone who you've been been talking to for the last two weeks?!?!"

He just looked at me and continued to call me names.  I just shut my mouth, and prayed the drive back to my car would be silent.  Which it was.

I finally got to my car, slammed his door and never looked back.  Needless to say, I never got my driver's license back from him.

Bad Date 3 - The Bad Tipper

This date wasn't necessarily a bad one, it was what happened at the end which was embarrassing.  I had a crush on this guy in college for whatever reason.  Actually, I'm still not sure what it was but there was something about him.  He was a Mexican Texan who looked slightly like Fred Flinstone... it could had been some weird connection to my childhood... but I digress.  So I asked him if he could take me to this really popular sushi restaurant in Gainesville.  If you went to UF, you know which one I'm talking about.  Anyhow, I ate sushi, he didn't but I guess I can understand some people just don't have the acquired taste for it. The date ended and he paid then told me he needed to head to the bathroom.  I went to the front of the restaurant and waited for him so we could go on with our day.  Our waitress then approached me and I asked what was wrong.  She asked me, "Did I do something bad?"

I said no and asked why.  She then said, "I only got a $1 tip from you guys."  My jaw dropped (not literally but in my mind).  How embarrassing.  I told her I was really sorry and unfortunately I didn't have cash on me.  Then I offered that she take my debit card and charge me for something so I could tip her, she refused.  My date came back from the bathroom and we left.

I didn't say anything to my date but I was totally turned off.  Last time I went out with Fred Flinstone.

Bad Date 2 - The Bicycle

There is a reason why people say do not expect a relationship from someone you've met a club.  A few years ago, I went to a popular latin club with my roommate at the time and met someone who I was automatically physically attracted to.  Obviously after a few drinks and forgotten conversation, we exchanged numbers. Maybe a few days later, I invited him over to hang out with me and my roommate.  I remember I waited a good hour and started to wonder where he was.  He told me he lived in a part of town that was no further than 20 minutes away.  Finally, I heard a knock on the door.  He had finally arrived.  I asked him, "How did you get here?"

He replied, "I rode by bike".

Automatically, I assumed it was a motorcyle.  I asked where he parked it and he said downstairs, I locked it against the stairwell.  I opened the door and looked downstairs.  To my surprise, it was a BICYCLE.  Then I went on to find out that he had actually taken the bus the majority of the way and put the bike on the front caddy.  I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and just brush it off since he had recently divorced his wife and she had gotten the car in the settlement. 

What I didn't notice from meeting him at the club is that he was a non stop talker and spit flew out of his mouth everytime he opened it.  GROSS!  Again, since I'm such a nice person, I let him continue to speak.  He then offered to take me out to eat.  I didn't want to think he would be able to come back, so I asked him about his bike.  He advised that I put it in my trunk and go to the restaurant.  Quickly, I thought to myself, if I don't do this then I will have to see him again.  We went to the local ale house to have a quick bite.

On the way back to his house, a car next to us started signaling us to open the window.  I didn't think anything of it until they started laughing.  They were making fun of me for driving a grown man with a bicycle. 

My faithful roommate called me on the way back to his house and gave me a way out.  I told him that my sister got to my apartment and I had to go back immediately, it was an emergency.  I dropped him off and he asked, "I'm never going to see you again, am I?"  I lied and told him I would give him a call. 

Needless to say, he did not get a goodnight kiss and I never saw him again.

Bad Date 1 - Chik fil A

I've decided to let you into the world of bad dates with some of my favorites.  Luckily, I'm a very laid back person so I was not terribly affected by these stories, however, I did learn my lesson. A few years back, I was in between a break with my ex fiance.  I had broken up with him a month and a half before.  I was at a friend's Superbowl party.  She told me her husband's best friend was a great catch.  Someone she would approve of... basically he looked great on paper.

The following week, we texted over the phone and made plans to hang out.  He told me to meet him at the mall which has several nice dining options since the mall is a little upscale.  He meets me at the mall and asks where I would like to eat.  I'm a little old fashioned when it comes to  that question so I like to have the guy make the decision plus I'm very conscious of their price range.

So he tells me, "Hey, let's eat at Chik-fil-A".  I think to myself.  OMG is this guy serious?????  Don't get me wrong.  I love Chik-fil-A,  But for a first date in the mall???  Which has other great places to eat like Cheesecake Factory, California Pizza Kitchen, PF Changs, Brio... just to name a few and he asks me if I want Chik-fil-A???

Now most would think I was a bit weak but I'm not a cruel person.  I ordered whatever I wanted off the menu and promised myself I would not date this guy again.  Good thing there wasn't a dollar menu.  He probably would had told me to order on that side of the menu.

Serial Dating

After a breakup, have you ever found yourself just dating the next guy after the next and never getting anywhere?  I have.  It’s a routine I have been grown comfortable of since I was in college.  Back in the days of MiGente (a social networking site which was created for Latinos/Hispanics similar to Black Planet), I enjoyed the attention I received and met a lot of people during that point in my life.  I became so good at keeping them away from each other and I could juggle 3 to 5 men at a time, not messing up their names, where they came from or anything of that nature.  Towards the end of my college days, I was in my first significant long term relationship which ended pretty badly.  I never really went into a “mourning” period after; I just started dating all over again.  It was something I did to avoid really being by myself.  There is also a saying in Spanish that says, “quitar una clave con la otra, which means to just take the key out with another.  Get a rebound and get over it. After a time, I realized this is not necessarily a healthy way to heal from a past relationship; however, I just did it so conveniently.  I would talk to someone over the internet for a few weeks; meet them, maybe once or twice and then move on to the next.  I am not saying every meeting was successful or even that I slept with them.  Just the idea of getting the attention and having someone occupy my time is good enough.  Between my girlfriends, it started to become a joke.  The men I would meet would begin to have nicknames because they couldn’t keep track of who I was talking to.  I could list a few… snippy, Chicago, Boston, masochist…

It's mostly a matter of not getting close enough to someone, so they cannot hurt you.  I guess it is a control issue.  You get all the perks but none of the commitment.  As soon as someone might reject you, you can just move onto the next candidate.  My mother always told me its not good to have so many eggs in my basket.  I never listened.

I would not recommend serial dating to anyone who wants a commitment.  It is okay when you are young so you can date and find out what kind of person you want to end up with.  I found that dating does give me great material to write and for conversation but not much else.  I had committed myself from about a week or so ago; I will not make an effort to date in this fashion anymore.  I do want to settle down, and one cannot be taken seriously if you are not 100% committed to getting to know them and vice versa.   It did take me a very long time to get over my last relationship finally.  Now, its time for me, myself and I, the best relationship I could ever ask for.

Ugly Duckling Syndrome

I’m not sure if this term or phrase had been dubbed before but a close friend and I have defined people who suspiciously insecure for no reason because they are attractive, smart and witty might have “Ugly Duckling Syndrome” meaning they grew up shy, unpopular, awkward and/or in the shadow of a sibling who consistently received praise.  Unfortunately, I have discovered this as a hurdle I was never really aware on how to overcome.  Everyone handles their insecurities in different manners.  I, myself, have been told I have this syndrome.  I am just simply unaware of someone being interested in me or do not take note that I might be attractive in some instances.  I, luckily, have good friends that have to slap me from time to time. 

In dating, I find as I date older men, this has been something they notice right off the bat.  I guess with the consistently trail of mimbos which I have dated, I never really had to handle my ability to be totally comfortable with myself.  I’ve also noticed that if you are dating an Ugly Duckling, they will never be able to take a compliment or consistently put themselves down.  My good friend who I consider to be my dating guru says that two Ugly Ducklings should never date.  You should date someone who will pull you out of the hole you have unawaringly put yourself in.  You need someone who is confident in their own skin.  Don’t get me wrong, I am confident in my wit, career and smarts but I’m just ignorant to how I am perceived and whether I am found attractive.    

I dated a local amateur comedian at one time which I constantly had to tell he was attractive and that women were looking at him.  It boggled my mind that this person was able to go on stage and be a funny person with a great personality but did not even have an idea that the women who spoke to him when he got off stage were hitting on him.  Don’t you know the best way to get into a girl’s pants is to make her laugh????  Duh! I actually enjoy watching the person I date get hit on because it secretly boosts my ego.  “He’s going home with me” I would say to myself.  In the long run, because I was so focused on him in the relationship, I allowed a lot of red flags to just be swept under the rug.  I forgot about myself.  In the long run, it just became emotional.  I find myself so worried about the other person but that is for another insecurity reason which I might talk about in another blog.

I also have a close friend of mine who is beautiful but because she was once 230 lbs in high school and now near 130 lbs, she is consistently worried about her weight.  Sometimes I just want to tell her, look in the mirror, look at what you’ve accomplished and you still look this good after having two kids.  You obviously know the secret to keeping yourself the way you are and you should be proud.  Now get dressed and let’s go out!

If you have a friend with this syndrome, don’t fret.  Just be by their side.  They just need someone to hold their hand sometimes. 

Titles

During my three day relaxing weekend, I decided to ensue one of my favorite rituals, my own little Sex and the City marathon.  After watching several episodes, I realize the ladies easily called some guy they were dating for a short period of time their “boyfriend”.  It was hard for me to grasp the concept only because I put titles in such high regard as I thought most women did.  I’m not sure if it was the fact that time did not really exist in each episode and sometimes the timelines did not make sense. As I think about how quickly (or not quickly) I got into relationships, I try to gather what is actual truth.  I’ve seen situations that one person meets another and they cannot live without each other and I’ve also seen those who court before making the commitment to be monogamous.  I have been in both situations, one of which never turned into a relationship per se but a long drawn out courtship which ended in heartbreak.  I do not believe there has ever been a true happy medium.  I believe every situation is to be taken with a grain of salt and treated as individually as the people themselves.  After such heartbreak last year, I have been much more critical as to who I let close to me.  I wonder should I be less hard on those I am dating and just enjoy what is going on, just go with the flow?

In reality, who really knows.  I do believe things happen when you least expect it.  I honestly am hoping that I'm swept off my feet like every romantic fantasy in my head.

Titles can’t be so bad :-/  The “L” word is really what I’m afraid of...lol :-)

When is it too soon?

I constantly seek advice or answers from friends to hear their opinions on how their relationships came to be.  My friends vary from those who are either married, in relationships or are merely relationship spectators who make a lot of sense.  I was inspired today by one of my shows which I believe to hold a lot of truth about dating even if some of the episodes are starting to become dated.  But even more so, recently I have started to ask my friends, "when is it too soon to sleep with someone?"

I have received all kinds of answers.  It seems for women, its a time thing.  How long can you make him sweat before he has earned the right to sleep with you?  The most common answer is a month.  I'm not sure how reasonable that is considering the different kinds of circumstances.  Hundreds of questions come into my head playing devil's advocate such as,"what if I see this guy 10 times a week?  Am I allowed to sleep with him sooner?"  Or "what should I expect during this time in order to decide whether it will turn into anything?"  To justify an exact time has never made sense to me.  Maybe I am like most women to need an exact measurement to make my decision and to know it is the right thing.

From the male perspective, it is someone different.  One told me it has to do with how the guy looks at you in the eyes.  That's how you know its okay to maybe allow yourself to embark in the next level.  Another friend sounded more like my female friends but had definitely shortened the length of time to wait to 3 dates.  But in his defense, they have to be actual dates where two people are seriously trying to get to know eachother.

All in all, with all of my questioning, I still have not come to a calculated conclusion.  I just know if you sleep with someone on the first date, one might as well kiss the thought of a relationship goodbye (in most circumstances) and hello to a new friend with benefits (in some cases).  I could be wrong but it seems that when to have sex is as much as a gray area as the definition of love.

Lies, secrets and the woman

In a twist of life events, I have changed from "one of the guys" to the only single girl among several taken girlfriends. With this change, a whole new sense of observations has occurred. The biggest I've found is the progression of a man's thought process when he's with the woman he loves. I believe that they if they mold themselves to the "married" man the relationship would be more successful. I put "married" in quotation because I think as a man gets in a relationship, he swears he will always be the man he was in the beginning but with a woman's guidance, they learn not to piss their significant other off.

I was on a trip recently, and I heard some comments made by the men that they were not going to tell their significant other what really occurred on their trip except for one. The one guy who said he would tell his wife what happened because he learned in previous experiences not to keep secrets. She would find out. Interestingly enough, when one is with another person for such a long period of time, especially a man, they learn the different facial expressions made when they are lying. I hate to say this because I still have those guy friends. Men are horrible liars. Men are not known for keeping their emotions in check. They wear their feelings all over their face and actions.

I find this situation comical because I am pretty much sitting in the audience of the events that are occurring in these relationships as an observer. I don't understand why these men believe that their secret will not be released. I also think men are worse gossipers than women but that's another blog.

If for some reason the women do find out about their man's actions, they will definitely be sleeping on the couch that night.

The Mimbo

Over the years, I have come across many men who hold the qualities of what one might call a "Bimbo."  I have recently encountered another male "bimbo" or "mimbo.  It is difficult not to be attracted to his beautiful smile or great physique, However, as soon as I have our first non-belligerent conversation, I realize this man is not necessarily the brightest crayon in the box. I tend to be extremely sarcastic and smart witted.  I find it humorous when a man does not really get what you're saying but tries to outwit you.  I believe the turning point to the mimbo and I was either the fact he asked me what I meant when I told him we were not on the same level intellectually or emotionally (I say emotionally because I have recently come out of a hurtful situation) or that he wanted to introduce me to his parents the first week that we met. It was nice to know a man was in touch with his emotions but at the same time.

I wonder if it is difficult to put your superficiality aside and look beyond to find someone who has a personality that fits yours.  But then again, when you're rebounding from a breakup, it might be best to know that you're rebounding with a hottie.  Just ask him not to speak.

Lessons Learned

In the last year, I have experienced an extreme rollercoaster of events that forced me to analyze what I truly want out of life. There were events in the past which had led me to become lost after I was so sure of what my future entailed. Not until now, the smoke is starting to clear away. I had been just living in limbo, experiencing life as it came to me but I was not necessarily pushing my goals forward. In my past "relationship" (left in quotes because it was short lived), I find myself questioning what went wrong. I analyzed every single event, and the only conclusion I came down to was I should have gotten out of it the first time around as opposed to waiting for all hope to expire. Instead, I ended up being betrayed and extremely hurt by someone who I really felt could provide me the future I wanted. We both made mistakes. I overcompensated because my recent ex always made me feel like I had to continue to prove to him how much I cared and he was scared because his recent ex had damaged him, he was afraid to get hurt again. Another lesson in the infamous notion that rebounds do not work. I think I would have left with some dignity. Initially, I had never laughed or enjoyed someone's company so much, but was the emotional strain worth it?

As a Gemini, as said by a good friend of mine, we tend to go in head first. We want to see the good in people and give our hearts to them but forget to step back and look at the bigger picture. I believe the last two experiences have truly allowed me to stop and slow down for a second. I know my self-worth, and I think that is the most precious knowledge to hold when going into a relationship. Understanding how much you are worth and recognizing that someone else appreciates it.

In essence, the pain will completely go away soon. However, the memory of the pain probably will not. Unfortunately, these are the types of relationships which cause us to put our guard up for the next person who comes around. Hopefully, one won't be so stubborn to keep the walls up. Then again, why wouldn't I want a person who thinks it will be worth it to take the walls down?

Unnecessary Advice

Last night, I went out with a couple of friends. One of which I had been friends with for a significant amount of time. My current engagement came up in conversation because he is conservative when it comes to my choices in my friendships as my fiance is. Anyhow, initially he felt uncomfortable the fact that I had brought up several references to the fact that he had been belligerent and is a school teacher and I find it ironic because I would have never imagined my teachers living anywhere near a similar lifestyle. So because these references were brought up, he was upset and asked me to be more discreet around those he did not know too well. After apologizing, I came to realize that he was guilty of the same. Then he offered relationship advice to me because he felt I shouldn't be open to my fiance about my questionable past which has been mentioned throughout my blogs. I told him, I would rather be sincere than having my fiance find out the truth later on. That, in turn, would hurt our relationship more. My friend went on saying that what he doesn't know would not hurt him. This conversation about boundaries and such went on for TWO hours.

I told him I disagreed and he was upset because he believed I was not listening. I was listening, but my personality is much more liberal. Over time, I have matured throughout my relationship because we have hit rock bottom and we have been at our high. Then he continued to talk about how all relationships are similar. Again, I disagreed because all relationships are not the same. But when he referenced similarities, they were the vague ones which implied we had goals and that all discussions about our past relationships were attacked the same way. I disagree. Some conversations come up in different methods. I might ask, he might ask... it might come up in a different form. He could have read my blogs. We could have discussed it.

My point is after all of this discussion, and I didn't understand why we were still talking. I didn't ask for advice or to dissect my relationship. I told him that there are things that are discussed within our relationship are private and he does not know our relationship. He had no right to discuss something he did not know. Especially, when he does not have a successful relationship under his belt because he pushes people away with precisely this, advice because he is older, he feels he has the right to tell me how to live my life.

I am stubborn, but I am also one to listen. It was like he was giving me a sales pitch because he asked me to repeat what he said as I understood. I did understand and excuse me for taking what was said literally. If you are one to explain every facet of your point, why shouldn't I?? Also, don't change your direction of your advice because you are trying to make a point which hadn't been reached yet. Yes... I understand and No... I do not agree.

Please, I will seek advice when necessary. I am not one to do things on my own. I am one to ask questions until I'm blue in the face. But I will not ask an Olympic Swimmer about how to play football.

The Younger Man

When I meet someone, I attempt to give them the benefit of the doubt because I don't know their habits or their history. I do keep my guard up and only allow enough of myself to be seen by the other person. When it comes to younger men, we meet, and they tell me, I'm different. Again, I give them the benefit of the doubt and an opportunity to pursue me. I have never been proven wrong from my original theory. Not to sound like I am on a pedestal, but I have experienced several trials in my life which have left me to be more mature than the average 24-year-old. I take into consideration my surroundings, and I am extremely patient. I despise when a person denies something I can see. Younger men feel if they admit it then they are letting something go. What they do not realize that knowing the truth now will eliminate problems in the future.

A younger man will always be a younger man. And until I am proven differently, I will continue to live on that theory.