A Commitphobe strikes again!

I am sincerely honored to get asked advice from someone who I normally speak to in my social circle.  Thank you so much for reading my blog! Here goes:

Dear Val,

I have fallen for a commitphobe guy which I dated for 2 months. He has been in relationships up to 5 years but only because of his children. Every time we got close to one another he would pull away. Last week, he introduced me to his friend and cousin. Then next day, I noticed texts were getting colder. That Saturday we met up again, I felt his coldness when we attended his partner's party. That's when we finally had a massive argument. He made excuses that I was disrespecting him at his partner's party, like crossing my arms and not turning my face from me. He took photos of me crossing my arms to prove it to me. He then stormed out of party and asked "Where shall I take you?" He wanted to go home and said I should go home too. I was confused, distraught, and didn't easily leave. I tried to reason with him but it got worse.

Since that day he's been stalking my Facebook and putting sarcastic posts up. I cropped one of photos up from the party and posted it not in a bad way. He then posted he needs a vacation and was writing to his friends to go away next week for his birthday to Istanbul.

1. He knew I wanted to go to Istanbul and worse still is I booked the trip.

2. Also knows paid for a bed , breakfast & dinner date, and a yacht for his birthday.

He has also cropped my pic out and posted as profile pic.

When I post pics from party he likes them of course sarcastically to hurt me or puts quotes he will be in a relationship in 2016.  I sent him a few pics of him from party and he sent me the 2 pics with me looking other way or crossing arms.

This is just an excuse, why doesn't he move on then or delete me instead of checking my posts and being bitter.

I should move on yes but it does hurt me. I am fed up with his mind games but I miss him too in some sense.

Could you give me any advice, please?

Sincerely,

K

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Dear K,

First and foremost, I would like to thank you seeking advice from me.  I really appreciate it.

Second, here's my advice...

I'm not sure of your friend's previous situation however it seems he is extremely emotionally immature and not ready for a real relationship.  Some commitophobes tend to make excuses to not get into another relationship one way or another.  He has to be hurt from some previous experience to be scared to want to commit again.

From your email, I noticed there is some abusive behavior that is not healthy for you or for him for that matter.  You were probably excited to share the pictures from the party and his response was negative.  This is a classic case of trying to build his ego.  He is only concerned about making himself feel good and not with your own well being.

If there's any way for you to potentially go on the trip with a good friend of yours at another time without a huge penalty, I would recommend that.  The reason why some guys don't let someone go is because they do not like the idea of rejection.  Again, it boosts his ego knowing that he can always go to you when he needs you.  This does nothing for you, only causes you confusion and pain.

Like I told a friend not too long ago, if you love something let it go and if it comes back it's yours.  In this case, your guy here needs to grow up emotionally a little bit before he can have someone significant in his life.

As hard as it is to walk away from someone you fell for, do it for yourself.  You will be much happier in the long run.  Relationships are not supposed to be this hard so early.  It is supposed to be all butterflies in your stomach, happy moments, and longing to be with that person ALL of the time.

You're absolutely right.  It's going to suck for a little while.  Put yourself first.  You should be number one in your life all of the time.  Loving yourself only makes it easier for someone else to love you.  Trust me, I've been there, I remember the happy moments and wonder why I ended things but then I realize I love myself too much to put myself through the pain again.

Let me know how you're doing through the process.  I can suggest some books or even podcasts to listen to that will make you feel better while you are going through the break up.

Sincerely,

Val

Let the Journey Commence

By Maks Karochkin

I've battled weight issues ever since my family moved to Florida when I was 9 years old. Out of fear that we’d get kidnapped, my parents kept us indoors. “If we’re not home, you can’t play outside,” they’d say. Life looked very different after my dad left the military and my mom started working. When we lived on a military base, she didn’t need to work—or only worked part-time while we were in school. But that all changed.

Fast forward to today, and I see how those early habits shaped my relationship with food and activity. Add in the classic Puerto Rican way of eating (hello, rice with everything!), and my sister and I never really learned what it meant to live a healthy lifestyle. My dad was incredibly fit—ran 10 miles a day—but he left when I was 14. After that, we didn’t really have a fitness role model.

Over the years, I’ve tried every diet under the sun. My biggest struggle has always been maintaining consistency long enough to reach my goal. In college, I tried South Beach and lost about 15 pounds. After my ex-fiancé, I turned to diet pills—they worked briefly until my body started doing scary things. During another relationship, I hit my heaviest weight: a size 16. Later, I dropped back down to a 10/12—again, through pills. A few years ago, I lost 20 pounds with Weight Watchers and felt amazing. But when I could no longer afford the meetings (which I believe are the magic ingredient), and I started a new relationship, the weight crept back on.

Now I’m at a crossroads again, and it’s time for a real change.

Lately, I’ve been following some inspiring fitness accounts online, and I finally asked myself: What am I waiting for? Sure, I love food. And wine. But are they really worth continuing to feel stuck in a body that doesn’t reflect who I want to be?

So last week, I reached out to a coach I found through Pinterest—SwiftFit—and asked about his program. After a few back-and-forth conversations to understand how it works, I took the leap. And today… is Day 1.

I’m using this blog as a public promise—to myself, and to anyone reading—that I’m committing to this for the next 90 days. Yes, I know it’s the holidays. Yes, I know there will be temptation. But if I can make it through this time of year, I know I can do anything.

Wish me luck. Let’s do this.