Bad Date 1 - Chik fil A

I've decided to let you into the world of bad dates with some of my favorites.  Luckily, I'm a very laid back person so I was not terribly affected by these stories, however, I did learn my lesson. A few years back, I was in between a break with my ex fiance.  I had broken up with him a month and a half before.  I was at a friend's Superbowl party.  She told me her husband's best friend was a great catch.  Someone she would approve of... basically he looked great on paper.

The following week, we texted over the phone and made plans to hang out.  He told me to meet him at the mall which has several nice dining options since the mall is a little upscale.  He meets me at the mall and asks where I would like to eat.  I'm a little old fashioned when it comes to  that question so I like to have the guy make the decision plus I'm very conscious of their price range.

So he tells me, "Hey, let's eat at Chik-fil-A".  I think to myself.  OMG is this guy serious?????  Don't get me wrong.  I love Chik-fil-A,  But for a first date in the mall???  Which has other great places to eat like Cheesecake Factory, California Pizza Kitchen, PF Changs, Brio... just to name a few and he asks me if I want Chik-fil-A???

Now most would think I was a bit weak but I'm not a cruel person.  I ordered whatever I wanted off the menu and promised myself I would not date this guy again.  Good thing there wasn't a dollar menu.  He probably would had told me to order on that side of the menu.

Serial Dating

After a breakup, have you ever found yourself just dating the next guy after the next and never getting anywhere?  I have.  It’s a routine I have been grown comfortable of since I was in college.  Back in the days of MiGente (a social networking site which was created for Latinos/Hispanics similar to Black Planet), I enjoyed the attention I received and met a lot of people during that point in my life.  I became so good at keeping them away from each other and I could juggle 3 to 5 men at a time, not messing up their names, where they came from or anything of that nature.  Towards the end of my college days, I was in my first significant long term relationship which ended pretty badly.  I never really went into a “mourning” period after; I just started dating all over again.  It was something I did to avoid really being by myself.  There is also a saying in Spanish that says, “quitar una clave con la otra, which means to just take the key out with another.  Get a rebound and get over it. After a time, I realized this is not necessarily a healthy way to heal from a past relationship; however, I just did it so conveniently.  I would talk to someone over the internet for a few weeks; meet them, maybe once or twice and then move on to the next.  I am not saying every meeting was successful or even that I slept with them.  Just the idea of getting the attention and having someone occupy my time is good enough.  Between my girlfriends, it started to become a joke.  The men I would meet would begin to have nicknames because they couldn’t keep track of who I was talking to.  I could list a few… snippy, Chicago, Boston, masochist…

It's mostly a matter of not getting close enough to someone, so they cannot hurt you.  I guess it is a control issue.  You get all the perks but none of the commitment.  As soon as someone might reject you, you can just move onto the next candidate.  My mother always told me its not good to have so many eggs in my basket.  I never listened.

I would not recommend serial dating to anyone who wants a commitment.  It is okay when you are young so you can date and find out what kind of person you want to end up with.  I found that dating does give me great material to write and for conversation but not much else.  I had committed myself from about a week or so ago; I will not make an effort to date in this fashion anymore.  I do want to settle down, and one cannot be taken seriously if you are not 100% committed to getting to know them and vice versa.   It did take me a very long time to get over my last relationship finally.  Now, its time for me, myself and I, the best relationship I could ever ask for.

Ugly Duckling Syndrome

I’m not sure if this term or phrase had been dubbed before but a close friend and I have defined people who suspiciously insecure for no reason because they are attractive, smart and witty might have “Ugly Duckling Syndrome” meaning they grew up shy, unpopular, awkward and/or in the shadow of a sibling who consistently received praise.  Unfortunately, I have discovered this as a hurdle I was never really aware on how to overcome.  Everyone handles their insecurities in different manners.  I, myself, have been told I have this syndrome.  I am just simply unaware of someone being interested in me or do not take note that I might be attractive in some instances.  I, luckily, have good friends that have to slap me from time to time. 

In dating, I find as I date older men, this has been something they notice right off the bat.  I guess with the consistently trail of mimbos which I have dated, I never really had to handle my ability to be totally comfortable with myself.  I’ve also noticed that if you are dating an Ugly Duckling, they will never be able to take a compliment or consistently put themselves down.  My good friend who I consider to be my dating guru says that two Ugly Ducklings should never date.  You should date someone who will pull you out of the hole you have unawaringly put yourself in.  You need someone who is confident in their own skin.  Don’t get me wrong, I am confident in my wit, career and smarts but I’m just ignorant to how I am perceived and whether I am found attractive.    

I dated a local amateur comedian at one time which I constantly had to tell he was attractive and that women were looking at him.  It boggled my mind that this person was able to go on stage and be a funny person with a great personality but did not even have an idea that the women who spoke to him when he got off stage were hitting on him.  Don’t you know the best way to get into a girl’s pants is to make her laugh????  Duh! I actually enjoy watching the person I date get hit on because it secretly boosts my ego.  “He’s going home with me” I would say to myself.  In the long run, because I was so focused on him in the relationship, I allowed a lot of red flags to just be swept under the rug.  I forgot about myself.  In the long run, it just became emotional.  I find myself so worried about the other person but that is for another insecurity reason which I might talk about in another blog.

I also have a close friend of mine who is beautiful but because she was once 230 lbs in high school and now near 130 lbs, she is consistently worried about her weight.  Sometimes I just want to tell her, look in the mirror, look at what you’ve accomplished and you still look this good after having two kids.  You obviously know the secret to keeping yourself the way you are and you should be proud.  Now get dressed and let’s go out!

If you have a friend with this syndrome, don’t fret.  Just be by their side.  They just need someone to hold their hand sometimes. 

Titles

During my three day relaxing weekend, I decided to ensue one of my favorite rituals, my own little Sex and the City marathon.  After watching several episodes, I realize the ladies easily called some guy they were dating for a short period of time their “boyfriend”.  It was hard for me to grasp the concept only because I put titles in such high regard as I thought most women did.  I’m not sure if it was the fact that time did not really exist in each episode and sometimes the timelines did not make sense. As I think about how quickly (or not quickly) I got into relationships, I try to gather what is actual truth.  I’ve seen situations that one person meets another and they cannot live without each other and I’ve also seen those who court before making the commitment to be monogamous.  I have been in both situations, one of which never turned into a relationship per se but a long drawn out courtship which ended in heartbreak.  I do not believe there has ever been a true happy medium.  I believe every situation is to be taken with a grain of salt and treated as individually as the people themselves.  After such heartbreak last year, I have been much more critical as to who I let close to me.  I wonder should I be less hard on those I am dating and just enjoy what is going on, just go with the flow?

In reality, who really knows.  I do believe things happen when you least expect it.  I honestly am hoping that I'm swept off my feet like every romantic fantasy in my head.

Titles can’t be so bad :-/  The “L” word is really what I’m afraid of...lol :-)

When is it too soon?

I constantly seek advice or answers from friends to hear their opinions on how their relationships came to be.  My friends vary from those who are either married, in relationships or are merely relationship spectators who make a lot of sense.  I was inspired today by one of my shows which I believe to hold a lot of truth about dating even if some of the episodes are starting to become dated.  But even more so, recently I have started to ask my friends, "when is it too soon to sleep with someone?"

I have received all kinds of answers.  It seems for women, its a time thing.  How long can you make him sweat before he has earned the right to sleep with you?  The most common answer is a month.  I'm not sure how reasonable that is considering the different kinds of circumstances.  Hundreds of questions come into my head playing devil's advocate such as,"what if I see this guy 10 times a week?  Am I allowed to sleep with him sooner?"  Or "what should I expect during this time in order to decide whether it will turn into anything?"  To justify an exact time has never made sense to me.  Maybe I am like most women to need an exact measurement to make my decision and to know it is the right thing.

From the male perspective, it is someone different.  One told me it has to do with how the guy looks at you in the eyes.  That's how you know its okay to maybe allow yourself to embark in the next level.  Another friend sounded more like my female friends but had definitely shortened the length of time to wait to 3 dates.  But in his defense, they have to be actual dates where two people are seriously trying to get to know eachother.

All in all, with all of my questioning, I still have not come to a calculated conclusion.  I just know if you sleep with someone on the first date, one might as well kiss the thought of a relationship goodbye (in most circumstances) and hello to a new friend with benefits (in some cases).  I could be wrong but it seems that when to have sex is as much as a gray area as the definition of love.

Lies, secrets and the woman

In a twist of life events, I have changed from "one of the guys" to the only single girl among several taken girlfriends. With this change, a whole new sense of observations has occurred. The biggest I've found is the progression of a man's thought process when he's with the woman he loves. I believe that they if they mold themselves to the "married" man the relationship would be more successful. I put "married" in quotation because I think as a man gets in a relationship, he swears he will always be the man he was in the beginning but with a woman's guidance, they learn not to piss their significant other off.

I was on a trip recently, and I heard some comments made by the men that they were not going to tell their significant other what really occurred on their trip except for one. The one guy who said he would tell his wife what happened because he learned in previous experiences not to keep secrets. She would find out. Interestingly enough, when one is with another person for such a long period of time, especially a man, they learn the different facial expressions made when they are lying. I hate to say this because I still have those guy friends. Men are horrible liars. Men are not known for keeping their emotions in check. They wear their feelings all over their face and actions.

I find this situation comical because I am pretty much sitting in the audience of the events that are occurring in these relationships as an observer. I don't understand why these men believe that their secret will not be released. I also think men are worse gossipers than women but that's another blog.

If for some reason the women do find out about their man's actions, they will definitely be sleeping on the couch that night.

The Mimbo

Over the years, I have come across many men who hold the qualities of what one might call a "Bimbo."  I have recently encountered another male "bimbo" or "mimbo.  It is difficult not to be attracted to his beautiful smile or great physique, However, as soon as I have our first non-belligerent conversation, I realize this man is not necessarily the brightest crayon in the box. I tend to be extremely sarcastic and smart witted.  I find it humorous when a man does not really get what you're saying but tries to outwit you.  I believe the turning point to the mimbo and I was either the fact he asked me what I meant when I told him we were not on the same level intellectually or emotionally (I say emotionally because I have recently come out of a hurtful situation) or that he wanted to introduce me to his parents the first week that we met. It was nice to know a man was in touch with his emotions but at the same time.

I wonder if it is difficult to put your superficiality aside and look beyond to find someone who has a personality that fits yours.  But then again, when you're rebounding from a breakup, it might be best to know that you're rebounding with a hottie.  Just ask him not to speak.

Lessons Learned

In the last year, I have experienced an extreme rollercoaster of events that forced me to analyze what I truly want out of life. There were events in the past which had led me to become lost after I was so sure of what my future entailed. Not until now, the smoke is starting to clear away. I had been just living in limbo, experiencing life as it came to me but I was not necessarily pushing my goals forward. In my past "relationship" (left in quotes because it was short lived), I find myself questioning what went wrong. I analyzed every single event, and the only conclusion I came down to was I should have gotten out of it the first time around as opposed to waiting for all hope to expire. Instead, I ended up being betrayed and extremely hurt by someone who I really felt could provide me the future I wanted. We both made mistakes. I overcompensated because my recent ex always made me feel like I had to continue to prove to him how much I cared and he was scared because his recent ex had damaged him, he was afraid to get hurt again. Another lesson in the infamous notion that rebounds do not work. I think I would have left with some dignity. Initially, I had never laughed or enjoyed someone's company so much, but was the emotional strain worth it?

As a Gemini, as said by a good friend of mine, we tend to go in head first. We want to see the good in people and give our hearts to them but forget to step back and look at the bigger picture. I believe the last two experiences have truly allowed me to stop and slow down for a second. I know my self-worth, and I think that is the most precious knowledge to hold when going into a relationship. Understanding how much you are worth and recognizing that someone else appreciates it.

In essence, the pain will completely go away soon. However, the memory of the pain probably will not. Unfortunately, these are the types of relationships which cause us to put our guard up for the next person who comes around. Hopefully, one won't be so stubborn to keep the walls up. Then again, why wouldn't I want a person who thinks it will be worth it to take the walls down?

Unnecessary Advice

Last night, I went out with a couple of friends. One of which I had been friends with for a significant amount of time. My current engagement came up in conversation because he is conservative when it comes to my choices in my friendships as my fiance is. Anyhow, initially he felt uncomfortable the fact that I had brought up several references to the fact that he had been belligerent and is a school teacher and I find it ironic because I would have never imagined my teachers living anywhere near a similar lifestyle. So because these references were brought up, he was upset and asked me to be more discreet around those he did not know too well. After apologizing, I came to realize that he was guilty of the same. Then he offered relationship advice to me because he felt I shouldn't be open to my fiance about my questionable past which has been mentioned throughout my blogs. I told him, I would rather be sincere than having my fiance find out the truth later on. That, in turn, would hurt our relationship more. My friend went on saying that what he doesn't know would not hurt him. This conversation about boundaries and such went on for TWO hours.

I told him I disagreed and he was upset because he believed I was not listening. I was listening, but my personality is much more liberal. Over time, I have matured throughout my relationship because we have hit rock bottom and we have been at our high. Then he continued to talk about how all relationships are similar. Again, I disagreed because all relationships are not the same. But when he referenced similarities, they were the vague ones which implied we had goals and that all discussions about our past relationships were attacked the same way. I disagree. Some conversations come up in different methods. I might ask, he might ask... it might come up in a different form. He could have read my blogs. We could have discussed it.

My point is after all of this discussion, and I didn't understand why we were still talking. I didn't ask for advice or to dissect my relationship. I told him that there are things that are discussed within our relationship are private and he does not know our relationship. He had no right to discuss something he did not know. Especially, when he does not have a successful relationship under his belt because he pushes people away with precisely this, advice because he is older, he feels he has the right to tell me how to live my life.

I am stubborn, but I am also one to listen. It was like he was giving me a sales pitch because he asked me to repeat what he said as I understood. I did understand and excuse me for taking what was said literally. If you are one to explain every facet of your point, why shouldn't I?? Also, don't change your direction of your advice because you are trying to make a point which hadn't been reached yet. Yes... I understand and No... I do not agree.

Please, I will seek advice when necessary. I am not one to do things on my own. I am one to ask questions until I'm blue in the face. But I will not ask an Olympic Swimmer about how to play football.

The Younger Man

When I meet someone, I attempt to give them the benefit of the doubt because I don't know their habits or their history. I do keep my guard up and only allow enough of myself to be seen by the other person. When it comes to younger men, we meet, and they tell me, I'm different. Again, I give them the benefit of the doubt and an opportunity to pursue me. I have never been proven wrong from my original theory. Not to sound like I am on a pedestal, but I have experienced several trials in my life which have left me to be more mature than the average 24-year-old. I take into consideration my surroundings, and I am extremely patient. I despise when a person denies something I can see. Younger men feel if they admit it then they are letting something go. What they do not realize that knowing the truth now will eliminate problems in the future.

A younger man will always be a younger man. And until I am proven differently, I will continue to live on that theory.

My Worth

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking "Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said, "Yes." She began to expound... As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man...or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?" The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more." I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life." He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain. She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man." I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect.In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy.God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself. When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "You're asking a lot." She replied,"I'm worth a lot."..> Thank you Helena!

Mr. Right vs Mr. Right Now

What is the real difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now? I have come across many Mr. Right Nows. They are absolutely great for the time being but are they great for much longer? They are supposed to be some sort of life experience which would lead you to Mr. Right, but if you're like me, life is full of tons of Mr. Right Nows. Mr. Right Nows say the right thing, most of the time they seem like they are the man of your dreams, but you are making a sacrifice in what you really want in a Mr. Right just not to be alone. Also, there are different levels of Mr. Right Now, there are the ones you just hang on to so you won't go to a movie alone, and there are those which you attempt a short-term relationship with, but it never seems to work out because they aren't Mr. Right.

I like to think the romantic part of me is looking for Mr. Right. But in the meantime, Mr. Right Now is kind of fun.

The Dating Routine

I haven't written in a while because nothing in this "real world" life has intrigued me enough to analyze. But one thing which I have been thinking about is dating. My best friend was telling me the other day that one of my responses to a potential suitor sounded like it was rehearsed. In a sense, it was. After dating the last seven years and not getting into any serious relationships, except one, which lasted eight months, there has been much routine. We meet someone and get the cliched questions out of the way, such as age, occupation, passions, a short autobiography. There might be different scenarios in which these all take place, but it's always the same information. The first conversation has been rehearsed. My goals have changed, I've had different past experiences but it always the same content. The routine can get incredibly boring. Granted, I'll be honest, I like the attention I get, but I do get bored and possibly avoid the conversation unless the person intrigues me enough to continue to the cliched questioning.

I have been thinking, that I might continue this routine because I do get pressure from my family to find the right one. But what is the rush? I might be bored with the routine, but it doesn't mean I don't have a couple more initial conversations with me.

Also, I wanted to clarify, meeting people in life and routine dating conversations are different. I am always up to meeting new people, but they all serve different purposes. Some are for business, and some are for pleasure. The dating routine is only meant for those interested in getting to know in a romantic sense.

Actions Speak Louder than Words

This past weekend I have stepped into the reality of actions speaking louder than words. Honestly, how stupid do you think I am? It's like men feed you all of these words and lines to make you feel like you are on top of the world but in reality its just that, words. I remember the time that I fell for these "words," it honestly does not take a lot for me to feel like I could trust you but come on!!! Do you think I'm going to have a one night stand with someone when they tell me...no ma' I promise that we'll be friends. What kinds of relationships last after a one night stand? Purely sexual ones, I can tell you that much. I just keep bumping into these guys who think that if they say the right thing, they can get into my pants. What you don't realize, I've experienced the "words" to their fullest potential. Promises broken, hearts broken, hopes lost.On the real though, I like to live life positively, but if one is surrounded by all of this negativity, wondering if one is going to be judged by a choice she made, then they have another thing coming. I have been told on many occasions that I'm "one of the guys" so wouldn't you think I would know a thing or two about "words." I'm guilty of the same crime. I think if you know the craft or the game just as well as the next guy, then there is no reason for them to believe they got one on me. When will people start getting real?

Love in Fairytale Land

I believe I am a product of my generation.  Currently, I am 27 years old and single.  I was engaged once because my biological clock got the best of me.  I wanted to settle down, but I was settling. I have literally been in almost every dating situation one can think of.  I want to share my story with those who might need a pick me up or one who wants to know they are not alone in the world of dating.  It is definitely very intimidating out there.